For Meat Lovers Only

I can't remember what made me seek out the Netflix Very Long Wait disc of Frightmare, other than, perhaps, the fact that this somewhat hard to find film WAS a Very Long Wait on Netflix. 

We covet what is just out of reach.

Quick Plot: A black-and-white prologue introduces us to Dorothy and Edmund, a married couple so in love that he fakes insanity to share her asylum sentence after she's caught killing and eating people. 

And you thought your parents were crazy.

Some years later, Edmund's eldest daughter Jackie is a grown woman attempting to care for her half-sister Debbie, a wild 15-year-old who might have inherited her mother (and Jackie's stepmother)'s taste for human flesh. Across the countryside, Edmund and Dorothy have been released to spend their golden years in complete sanity and peace.

Righhhhhhhhhhhht.

Poor put upon Jackie learns the hard way that blended families can be cruel. As her psychologist boyfriend investigates her past, Jackie begins to suspect--pretty rightly--that Dorothy might not have been quite as cured as the hospital administration seemed to think. Using her skills as a tarot card reader, Dorothy begins luring new meals into her secluded home. 

You have to give it to the old broad: you can never be wrong telling someone's fortune if you're pretty certain the reading will end with you eating them.

Directed by Peter Walker, Frightmare is a fun if minor little horror film. As the wickedly murderous clairvoyant carnivore, Sheila Keats makes quite a special villain. Her buggy eyes,  cackling voice, and extreme enthusiasm for, you know, eating people is the kind of thing that makes any movie a little more fun. 

Other than that, Frightmare is fairly uneventful. There’s a nicely timed ambiguous ending, a few good axings, and most notably, an old lady eating people. 

It is quite simple to please me.

High Points

I'm a sucker for any film with an aggressively discordant score, and for that, Frightmare suits me just fine

Low Points

Perhaps I've been watching too much Season 5 of Buffy as of late, but MAN does this 15-year-old brat get under my skin

Lessons Learned

Being in an asylum for 15 years MUST cure you

It takes two to tarot 

Orphanage, convent, it's really all the same

Rent/Bury/Buy

Frightmare isn't necessarily worth its 'Long Wait' status on Netflix, but it was a fun enough little watch that will easily entertain those who enjoy British horror with a sense of humor. If it's in the cards, check it out. Otherwise, Killer's Moon is still streaming...

When You Wish Upon a Killer's Moon

Let’s just get this out of the way:

This film is poorly punctuated. 

Killer’s Moon implies the moon belongs to one killer. 

This film has four.

Perhaps I’m just quick to the angry apostrophe following a recent typo in the special edition of The Dark Knight Returns. 

Anyway, let’s try to put this terrible experience behind us and get on with the show.

Quick Plot: An all-girls choir bus experiences some mechanical trouble in the middle of the British countryside, where a pair of handsome (I assume, by 1970s British/expat American standards) twentysomethings are camping, a pleasant woman is prepping her out-of-the-way hotel, and a grumpy gamekeeper is gamekeeping.

Also, there are four violent lunatics on the loose who escaped the clutches of their psychiatrist and his experimental treatment that involved encouraging them to act out their basest instincts by convincing them they were living in a dream world with no consequences.

Naturally, the combination of insane men without societal constraints and the nubile flesh of teenage girls does not a merry evening make.

Let me just say it: I absolutely adored this movie.

Mind you, I don't normally like to jump into my judgment so soon in a review, especially for a film as messy (maybe intentionally?) as Killers' Moon (yeah, I'm repunctuating the title like the maverick I am). 

But see, I simply did not want to stop watching the kind of movie that includes such gems of dialogue as such:

 "Look, you were only raped, as long as you don't tell anyone about it you'll be alright. You pretend it never happened, I pretend I never saw it and if we ever get out of this alive, well, maybe we'll both live to be wives and mothers."

The biggest question I had with Killers' Moon regards said script, credited to director Alan Birkinshaw but rumored to come from the pen of his sister, famed feminist novelist Fay Weldon. Had I not known anything about Ms. Weldon, I probably would have assumed lines like the above to be tongue-in-cheek. This is the same film, mind you, that sees our pair of heroes discuss how they are outnumbered and outarmed only to conclude that the best solution to fight their enemies would be to split up.

Always a wise plan, gents. Always wise.

However, some brief Wikipedia'ing seems to point that Fay Weldon considers rape, how do you say, overrated as a crime. Knowing that makes Killers' Moon an even odder watch, as the film is filled with young women being violently attacked in a way that might be tasteless, might be offensive, or just might be what you would expect (and maybe want?) from a '70s pre-slasher exploitation genre film.

While Killers' Moon is rife with messiness as a low budget movie, it also has some pretty neat subtext in its villains. From their bowler hats and white-on-white attire to the way they respectfully speak to each other as Mr., our killers are clearly inspired by A Clockwork Orange. That they're acting out their impulses simply because they believe they're living in a fantasy world is rather fascinating. They're confused when their actions don't cause the desired effects they'd have in REM, but you almost can't blame them for committing these crimes because why should they not believe it's all part of their therapy? As the mayhem intensifies, some start to realize what's really going on, and their reactions are not at all what you'd expect.

If that weren't enough, we also have a heroic three-legged dog played by a local canine hero, barbershop quartet levels of harmony coming from the mouths of mass murderers, and a rather brilliant case of drag being applied where you least expect it.

Yes, I did indeed love this movie.

High Points

Though it sometimes calls a little too much attention to itself, John Shakespeare and Derek Warne's score is generally pretty darn awesome, filled with Repulsion-like jazz riffs and playful little nods to Three Blind Mice and Twinkle Twinkle Little Star

Low Points

It's a shame that none of the girls really register as fully fledged characters. Other than 'somewhat helpful girl,' 'somewhat whiny girl,' 'somewhat raped girl,' and 'somewhat flirty girl who thinks it's silly to be sad about being somewhat raped girl,' none really stick out in a way worth remembering

I suppose it bears mentioning that in the real world, nighttime and daytime don't necessarily change back and forth over the course of an evening

Lessons Learned

The white slavery industry has been ruined by too many enthusiastic amateurs

Never call a British headmistress a nature lover

If it’s not ramblers, it’s bramblers

The Winning Line

Killers' Moon is bursting with them, but I think my heart belongs to this one:

"I understand you have a problem."

This is the final line of Killers' Moon, and is spoken by a police officer in the calmest manner possible. Substitute "I understand you have a question about parking regulations" and you might have a better idea of how this is delivered. 

The problem, you see, is that these characters have been terrorized all night by raping murderers. Nothing to raise anyone's voice about, of course. 

Rent/Bury/Buy

I’m not sure how I had never heard of Killer(s)’ Moon before stumbling upon it on Netflix Instant Watch. This is the kind of low budget, completely insane little gem that brings true joy into the lives of genre film fans. Hop to it with your very own three-legged Doberman. 

Wicker It, Just a Little Bit

Writing about the psuedo sequel to my third favorite film of all time is no easy feat, and hence, the weakling inside me is taking the easy way out: I’m excusing The Wicker Tree as a warm-up for whatever Robin Hardy does next.

See, give the 82 year old filmmaker a break. It’s been quite some time since his he last got behind a camera and everybody needs a good warmup.

The Wicker Tree is just a 90 minute yoga stretch.

Quick Plot: Beth Boothsby (fresh-faced Brittania Nicol) is a successful country singing star who just can’t stop warbling about Jesus. She pauses long enough for a goodbye party at her Baptist church, wherein the good cowboys of Texas send her and her fiancée Steve out to Scotland for a two-year missionary journey to bring Christ to pagans.

I don’t know about you, but I had no idea modern missionaries took European tours. Consider me schooled.

Shockingly enough, those funny voiced redheads don’t really want to hear about dying on the cross. Disheartened by the sound of doors slamming in their pretty faces, Beth and Steve reluctantly accept an invitation to the more rural town of Tresseck, where wealthy power couple Lord Lachlan and Lady Delia Morrison oversee a gaggle of plain folk who worship goddesses and nature.

Tresseck isn’t an easy home for two crazy Texans whose biggest source of pride shines from their promise rings. Beth is able to charm some of the townspeople with her voice, but her preaching never seems to land on open ears. This is especially hard on our country star since she is (gag) a born again virgin, having remade herself into a crucifix wearing angel after hitting it big with her original single, Trailer Trash Love (yes, there’s a music video set in a redneck bar and yes, it’s amazing).

On the other hand, Steve is far more willing to suspend his Christian beliefs for fleshier pleasures. After failing to seduce Beth, he takes a quick liking to local Lolly…mostly because she’s a pretty blond with a cute accent who likes to bathe in the nude and essentially say “Hey, I’d really like it if you came in here and had sex with me.”

And so he does.

See, Cowboy Steve ain’t no Sergeant Howie. Then again, Hardy has also argued that The Wicker Tree is NOT a sequel to his 1974 masterpiece. It’s more a companion piece, a film set in the same TYPE of world that also explores the contrasts and similarities of paganism and Christianity. Or something.

Sigh. It’s never easy to approach a follow-up to one of your all-time favorite films. Sometimes the results are pleasantly odd enough to make it work (Return to Oz) while others just feel like wasteful one-offs unworthy of their names (Starship Troopers 2—though in fairness, Part 3 is surprisingly sly).  Robin Hardy can SAY that The Wicker Tree isn’t a sequel, but why name it “The Wicker Tree” if that’s the case? Perhaps my immediate low point is that the title is positively distracting. Like other Hardy fans who have been following the film’s 4+ year journey through budget cuts and actor injuries, I would have rather sat down to watch a film called Cowboys For Christ and gone from there.

That being said, The Wicker Tree DOES still share some of its predecessor’s charms. The original music isn’t as insanely humful as Paul Giovanni’s catchy Landlord’s Daughter, but some of the songs are quite pretty in a haunting way. Aside from Beth’s Jesus jingles, there’s a striking number sang by a middle aged tavern wench about, as far as I could tell, doing the nasty in the forest.

But the REST of the film…well, it’s there with some great ideas, some truly creepy ones, and ultimately, no solid payoff for its religious buildup. Let’s get spoilery:

Whereas the townspeople of The Wicker Man were making human sacrifices to restore their harvest, the villagers of The Wicker Tree are suffering from a different, equally stirring plague: infertility. As Tresseck is too close to a nuclear power plant, the female population has been unable to conceive for some time. Naturally for a bunch of nature worshipping Europeans, the logical way to fight this is to sacrifice two innocent(ishes) in some extremely brutal fashions, i.e., skin the female and call her The May Queen and tear the cowboy apart to eat with your bare hands. I imagine Hardy is trying to show an extreme case of religious fanaticism to compare to Steve and Beth’s overly fanatical (yet more conventionally accepted) Christianity. But the problem is, what is he actually accomplishing by having the pagans prove to be so brutal?

It’s a tough question and perhaps a second viewing might make more themes clear. The IDEAS are certainly there, but considering how much time is spent on Beth’s conversion from a slutty Britney Spears knockoff to a fully clothed church girl, it’s odd that her character ultimately gets no real choice in or lesson from her awful fate. Perhaps some of you smarter readers who have watched The Wicker Tree can help.

SPOILERS HATH END'TH

High Notes

Not spoiling, but just sayin’: like in The Wicker Man, people die in some fairly horrific manners, all of which are suggested without being deliberately shown. I found it chilling

Yes, Graham McTavish's role was supposed to be played by the god that is Christopher Lee, but I still found his self-proclaimed Monty Burnsish millionaire to be an effective villain. Similarly, Nicol captures the perfect essence of an overly devout without much brains Christian princess

Low Notes

Hey, I’m not going to argue with the hypocrisy of Bible interpretation, but it just feels like the script could have pointed this out in a more organic show-don’t-tell way. Instead, we have out pagan characters describing Christian beliefs about the rapture. The execution felt lazy

Lessons Learned

Contrary to common Englishman belief, The Clitoris is NOT an island off Greece famous for its ouzo

Never ask a Christian cowboy to play poker. He’ll probably just spend hours going through each card and explaining what it has to do with Jesus and really, you’ve got money to win already. Eff that dude

Cowboys keep their hats on

The Winning Line

“Where is my bowl of eyes?”

Because, come on: it’s one thing to HAVE a bowl of eyes. It’s a far greater thing to misplace it

Rent/Bury/Buy

It’s hard to know how to recommend The Wicker Tree. If you’re a diehard fan of The Wicker Man (like me), then you kind of HAVE to see where Hardy went next, even if the results are just nowhere nearly as satisfying as you might hope. That being said, there is some beautiful landscaping, weirdly paced horrors, and haunting original songs that make even an ultimately lackluster film still something more special than your average straight-to-DVD genre picture. So put it on your queue for an eventual watch. It won’t change your belief in cinema or fertility goddesses, but it will be something unique.

Tuppence An Innocent

On the list of dangerous professions to have when starring in a horror movie, I think ‘governess’ must rank fairly high. Add in the dread of children speaking with British accents inside a large and ghost-ridden mansion and you can bet your spoonful of sugar that the overtime pay just isn’t worth it.

Quick Plot: Deborah Kerr plays Miss Giddens, a prim blond with the luck of the easiest job interview since Being John Malcovich. Although she has never actually worked with children, she adores them and instantly lands the position of being governess to the niece and nephew of a wealthy--but not lonely, hm hm hm--bachelor who inherited the rugrats without the slightest desire to even look at them. Miss Giddens immediately packs up her velvet bustles and heads to a secluded country home to meet, teach, and get really freaked out by Flora and Miles.

All seems well and Mary Poppinsonian at first, as Flora (played by a ten year old And Soon the Darkness’ Pamela Franklin) is an absolute dear, while Miles proves to be incredibly charming...perhaps too charming. It isn’t long before Miss Giddens starts to pick up on strange cues between the children, an odd closeness that ends in ominous giggles. Coupled with that, she keeps hearing voices and occasionally catching glimpses of figures no one acknowledges until the housekeeper reveals the fate of the previous governess Miss Jessel and her abusive lover, the family’s valet Quint.

The Innocents is an eerily gothic ghost story that takes its time a la The Haunting. Co-written by Truman Capote (based on a play by William Archibald which was in turn based on The Turning of the Screw by Henry James), the film has long been a favorite of greatest horror films/ghost stories/underrated genre pictures by the likes of such luminaries as Martin Scorsese. You can see why. From the haunting music box theme to shadowy menaces, director Jack Clayton (aided immensely by director of photography Freddie Francis) builds some brilliant suspense with every tool at his disposal. Heck, just hearing the name “Miss Jessel” spoken with an English accent is enough to send a few chills through your spine.

In addition to creepy ghosts with romantic liaisons, The Innocents is rich with something far more unsettling and not innocent: Oedipal leanings. The precocious Miles takes quite a liking to his pretty teacher, leading to an uncomfortable moment that puts Miss Giddens at the wrong end of an inappropriate goodnight kiss. It’s incredibly creepy and though it doesn’t get fully explored, the hints hang in the air with stifling weight.

High Points

Many a filmmaker could take more than a few lessons from the atmosphere of The Innocents, something established incredibly well both indoors and out

Low Points

Though Miss Giddens’ chastity does come across, we never quite get to know this woman outside of her relationship to the children. While that in itself is interesting, it would have helped to know a tad more about our main character’s past, at least to give us a clearer sense of her reliability. Although perhaps that was the point...

Lessons Learned

When you spot a ghostly figure lurking outside, always make a note of his rating because you can guarantee the first question asked to identify the stranger will be “Is he handsome?”

Suggesting a game of hide-and-seek inside a gigantic mansion just before bedtime is probably not the best idea a governess could make

Nothing weird about bringing a dead bird to bed with you. Nothing. At. All.

Pompadours don't look any more normal on gothic children than they do on Korean dictators

Rent/Bury/Buy

The Innocents is a hard film to find, but if it comes your way, it’s certainly worth dimming the lights for a quietly chilled evening. Fans of atmospheric horror should consider it required viewing in the same vein as The Haunting. Of course, it’s a slow trail and one not necessarily rewarded with a colorful Insidious ghost party finale or The Others-like twist, but The Innocents is, plain and simple, a classic in its understated horror straight into its tragic conclusion. Watch it...just not if you have to agree to supervise creepy British kids in order to do so.

All Quiet (Because They’re Dead) On the Western Front

(And no, that’s not one of those Sixth Sense-like spoilers I tossed in for a headline. There are soldiers in this movie and lots of them die. Settle down.)

It’s an odd thing to say, but there truly aren’t enough war-set horror films. You would think that the very nature of mankind’s most powerful, negative, and scarily constant action would breed a richer subgenre than torture porn or giant creature portmanteaus, yet the output is surprisingly small. I imagine there are a lot of buried treasures of war hidden under mobs of slashers and zombie overpopulation, but considering the ripe themes and simple terror of battle, there just simply should be more.

Thusly do we have Deathwatch, a 2002 British ghost story of sorts set in the trenches of World War I. Is there a scarier place to set your film?

Quick Plot: It’s a rough day at the Western Front as a troop of English soldiers chaotically flee their trench in a shrapnel storm. Without them knowing when night turned to day, the group finds themselves in eerily abandoned territory, eventually discovering a German trench filled with three soldiers. The men shoot two and imprison the third as each Brit develops his own slow descent into cabin fever.

The soldiers are a mixed bag, ranging from the innocent and bright eyed 16 year old Charlie ‘Shakespeare’ (Jamie Bell) to the grizzled, one-step-away-from-going-Gollum sadist Quinn (Gollum himself, Andy Serkis) who may find world war the best excuse to blow off steam since the invention of the stress ball. In the middle are an edgy chaplain, sympathetic doctor, dying (and oft forgotten) private, stuffy and bureaucratic captain, and token horndog played by the token horndog in Love Actually.

Some people get typecast in any genre.

Deathwatch is essentially a haunted house film...just a haunted house film placed in a rat-infested, mud-covered trench that’s already overflowing with corpses of war. It’s a brilliant and all-too perfect premise for a horror film, one that writer/director Michael J. Bassett doesn’t waste. Opening in the middle of gunfire is hugely effective as we instantly feel the horrors these men are living every day. The transition to the foggy, ghost-like world set in the trench is creepy without being overly obvious, slowly revealing some mini-nightmares waiting to wake up. Though some of the CGI effects stand out in a bad way, Bassett makes excellent use of much of his imagery. A camouflaged soldier in mud, the barbed wire-imprisoned dead, and the no holds barred approach to showing the human body as it deteriorates from battle go far in making Deathwatch something that horrifies from several angles.

Performances help immensely, with each British thespian doing a solid job. The film doesn’t quite have the same male fraternity as, say, Dog Soldiers, but that’s more because the nature of the horror here is more divisive than uniting. A few go a little mad,  but in different ways and for different reasons, making their descents interesting in their own ways. Others find their haunting from more physical--and blatantly evil--manners, including one truly nasty rat-inspired death that will probably make even a cousin of Splinter squirm.

High Points

Somewhere in the third act, as the action was exploding in every which way, I found myself a tad frustrated, wondering if there’d be any explanation other than the tried and true ‘war is hell.’ Without spoiling anything, I can assure you that the final beat of the film won me over by putting the whole story in a specific moral context that felt earned and effective.

Low Points

It’s natural for a film that primarily takes place at night to be quite, you know, dark, but sometimes the whole ‘I can’t really see anything’ness can be irksome

Lessons Learned

All it really takes is a single cloth mask to protect oneself from poisonous gas

Always be kind to bilingual German soldiers

Chekhov’s Law: If a homemade mace is introduced in the first reel, you best use that homemade mace by the fifth

Rent/Bury/Buy

Deathwatch is a refreshingly solid horror film that isn’t really perfect, but sure makes the most out of its vast potential. Currently streaming on Netflix Instant, it’s a great turn-the-lights-off kind of evening for a different and occasionally rather frightening time. I’d make some kind of cute military call to watch it here, but I feel like such a pun would warrant my face to be wrapped in barbed wire or for Gollum to wave a mace at my head, so just go watch it and save me the trouble.