Slaughterhouse Santa

Words don’t express how sad I am that I’ve gone 27 December 25ths without seeing Don’t Open ‘Til Christmas, but that’s what Mill Creek 50 packs were made for. And along with the soon-to-be-purchased boxed set of Silent Night, Deadly Night 3-5, I now have a new film to add to my annual yuletide viewing. Good thing the Muppet’s 2008 holiday special was rather lame. Not lame enough for Santa to be killed by a pocket-knife wielding psycho, but just under the bar set by Michael Kane, a Fraggle crossover, and Scooter in a go-go cage for Don’t Open ‘Til Christmas to claim its place under my tree.

Quick Plot: There’s a murderer on the loose in London and his targets laugh like a bowl full of jelly, sometimes while chit chatting with sex workers or humorously riding bicycles. An unnecessary and rather inconsistent prologue follows a young necking couple parked in public in the middle of the night (no shot of the street sign reading Lovers’ Lane) as they meet their end by a guy seeming to hold a knife and camera. It’s actually an impressive feat of balance, although the fact that throughout the film, the killer only stalks Santa Clauses and this opening murder makes absolutely no sense in context is something we’ll brush aside in the name of prologue.

Meanwhile, the coolest people I’ve ever seen on film are having a total Halloween-esque costume party to welcome the Christmas season, but sadly, festivities are cut short when the host is stabbed in the back of the head in front of all to see. A few more polyester white beard clad impostors are knocked off in a grab bag of styles, including gunshot, shoe knife slices, castration while urinating, and, in a stroke of true Kris Kringly genius, face roasting on an open fire (previously used to warm chestnuts, of course).

Now, I realize there was no widespread Internet in the 1980s as Al Gore had not yet sought a patent, but I’ve seen my share of spinning newspaper reels to know the general public should have been fairly aware that a serial killer was hungry for a very particular type of victim. So. Why, oh why, would one continue to travel the streets in a red velour jumpsuit? Is the call of St. Nick stronger than that of the Pony Express? It’s an unanswered question in a film that doesn’t really demand anything, so I’ll let this go because, you know what? I loved this movie, and an informed public would imply less dead Santas.

Our main heroine is the rich daughter of the first slain St. Nick, although she gets some stiff competition from Experience Girl (or so the IMDB listing credits her; I'd love to harp on the insanity of this naming, but then I'd forget that Kelly Baker was also in Slaughter High , so we'll move on) who works in what I guess is an old time nudie booth, here portrayed as a store window with prison-style phones for chatting and the option of boobs. There’s also Cliff, (Gerry Sundquist), a flute playing fashion photographer and (according the the trailer) Number One Suspect, and the skeevy Inspector Harris, played by director Edmund Purdom (clearly a man of many talents). We don’t have any reason to like any of them, but by the time the killer reveals his tormented self, the audience is having more fun than a spangly dressed elf gulping eggnog on a strobe-lit disco floor.  

High Points

Am I getting soft, or was the first shot of the plastic mask somewhat unnerving?

The final flashback, wherein we discover the motive for our killer’s hatred of all things tinseled, is absolutely incredible. By that, I mean it makes the death of Billy’s parents in the original Silent Night, Deadly Night look like Citizen Kane...which is sooooooo much less exciting than the intense use of slow motion and echoed sound cues utilized by Purdom here

You have to love a film released in 1984 that still managed to sneak in a complete disco number, performed, no less, by genre fave (and also Slaughter High graduate) Caroline Munro

Low Points

It’s hard to really spot them since this is the kind of movie where all the “bad” aspects (such as the humorously overdramatic score) make it so much fun to watch. I suppose the biggest annoyance is the fact that for the first hour, the only murdered victims are total strangers and thus, we’re less invested in their deaths than we are shopping for a Secret Santa in the office whose name we’re lucky to remember

A somewhat suspenseful and drawn-out cat-and-mouse chase with a gang-fearing Santa Claus in a toy factory has a rather humbug payoff

Lessons Learned

Models should never be photographed too much for fear of being overexposed. This may have been a cute dumb blond pun, but it doesn't really work when the actress has a lower IQ and sense of wordplay than the dumb blond she's portraying

Men with perms do not instill fear upon a 21st century audience

When expressing that you’re “bloody furious,” it's far more effective when you show the slightest trace of emotion in your voice

Murderous Christmas-hating psychotics have mastered the art of smizing (trademarked by Tyra Banks for “smiling with your eyes”)

Time flies really fast when you’re being chased by a serial killer. It can go from night to sunny daylight in the snap of your finger!


Most women are surprisingly not excited by the idea of sapphic photo shoots in Santa suits (particularly when they're mourning the murder of a family member while he happened to be dressed as such)

Repeated Confirmation of a Previous Theory

Staircases are the most lethal type of architecture one can encounter in everyday life...at least in the movies. I’ve fallen up and down many a stairway in my life, so either I’m doing something right or film characters are incredibly brittle.

Winning Line

“They’ll think we’re a couple of gays!” worries the male lead when his lady friend, dressed festively with no underthings, tries to make out in front of teenagers in a dark alleyway. Yes, that’s far more horrifying than the known madmen loose on the streets whom you’ve already witnessed kill a man.

Rent/Bury/Buy

I would never advise someone to spend more than, I don’t know, hot dog money on this film but I enjoyed the Christmas bells out of it. It’s bad in an epic way that’s incredibly watchable, with impressive and creative gore spilled throughout. I’m lucky enough to have it in my Mill Creek Drive-In Classics movie pack, which means you can probably find a copy for peanuts. Is it worth it? You’ll know how you feel about his film based on the tagline:

...t'was the night before Christmas, and all through the house, not a creature was stirring...they were all dead!

True merriment at its best.

Candy is Dandy But Killing is More Thrilling

Spoiled Candy Alert:

99% of horror anthology films rely on a twist ending. Trick ‘r Treat is no exception, as two of its four tales feature a major surprise and the other two finish with, well, less surprising surprises. Still, in discussing such a film, it’s a challenge to go into any real detail without spilling or slightly splashing the secrets or worse, tiptoeing around plot turns with less grace than an elephant in high heels. Or me in high heels (I'm not an elephant; just incredibly clumsy.) Despite all good intentions, you end up revealing far too much to those who haven’t seen the movie in question, while those who have get a reading experience that’s coyer than the president of the school celibacy club.

Hence, in respect to my limited secretive writing skills, this review is reserved for those who have seen this film. All others are encouraged to rent it (SPOILER ALERT! I just revealed the ending of my own review. I’m so meta) and come back later. Think of it as half priced candy corn purchased in November, but without the cavity inducing stickiness.

Let the SPOILING COMMENCE!

Quick Plot: It’s Halloween in North America’s coolest town, a suburban paradise that seems to mandate every house carve a jack-o-lantern and attractive person attend an outdoor kegger. After a ho-hum prologue about a tired couple low in holiday spirit, the action kicks in with four stories loosely connected by place, character, and candy.

Our first tale stars the secret thespian weapon that is Dylan Baker as a suit-wearing Ned Flandersish citizen who doesn’t approve of fat kids stealing chocolate. Director Michael Dougherty builds a wickedly macabre tone that toes a licorice-thin line between black comedy and mean-spirited horror. Especially effective is the slow reveal of Baker’s character. We know as soon as he approaches the tubby pumpkin smasher that he means bad news, but it’s jarring to hear him called “Principal” and even more frightening to discover his moppet son. Wilkins, however, proves himself a fine father by not only spending quality time bonding over arts & crafts, but also insisting the little redhead get his fill of It’s the It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown! It’s a promising start that ends with a perfectly played bang.

Meanwhile, a round of townspeople and tourists are introduced throughout and in between each tale, later to pop up as major characters in their own stories. It’s an innovative method to plot an anthology and wisely helps Trick R Treat avoid the inevitable one-story-drags-the-rest-down formula of most others in the genre. Most importantly, it confines the action to one specific location with what I assume must be competing with Sunnydale for lowest real estate rates in the Western world.

Story 2 follows a group of trouble raising trick-or-treaters who plan to prank the local idiot savant/pumpkin Picasso by digging up an urban (or suburban) legend in an abandoned rock quarry. The setup is brilliant and it’s in the story-within-a-story that Trick R Treat shines. Everything from the costume choices to the actual theme of parents discarding their deformed children was truly upsetting. Unfortunately, the surrounding tale simply doesn’t live up to its interior potential...especially since the nighttime lack of lighting lets us barely see the return of the school bus victims.

Next, we move to the big bash to focus on a few deceptively dense Halloween sluts, the kind who manage to annually piss me off by putting whorish spins on random costumes not meant for sexiness (seriously: who wants to fantasize about female Freddy Krueger? Guys who dig female child molesters in fedoras?). Virginal Anna Paquin pops her cherry with a bloody bite of Baker’s principal, revealing herself and her sisters to be hot werewolves. The twist was juicy enough to justify the tale, but I personally was a tad underwhelmed, proving once again that I’m insanely immune to lycanthropy. Still, the segment works to balance out Trick 'r Treat by including a perfect dose of sensuality and surprise. It's fun in a Tales From the Darkside spirit, which is pretty perfect for the overall tone of the film.

Finally, we follow the sack masked little boy who had been slipping in and out of the earlier three stories. Sam, as he’s known outside the film, is a wonderfully haunting creature that will deservedly find himself on t-shirts and action figures. He couldn't ask for a worthier a foe than the original Hannibal Lector himself, Brian Cox. There's something about the interior chase that goes on a tad too long to completely deliver on its early suspense, but the payoff is rewarding, even if the second turn is hardly a surprise.

So, which camp of Trick 'r Treat viewers do I fall into, those who have dubbed it the next coming of fear or the ones who found it as innovative as dressing like a witch on Halloween? Well, I liked the movie. Normally, if I’m planning on reviewing a film, I’ll keep my computer on and jot down stray thoughts. That never happened this time because I was totally involved in the onscreen action for the full runtime. There was no so-bad-I-have-to-remember these lines moments and anything I liked was strong enought that I knew it wouldn’t be forgotten by the time I sat down to write out my thoughts. It’s possibly the tightest anthology I’ve ever seen.

But is it great, wonderful, amzaing, the best horror film in years? I’d say not. It has its moments--bus crash, Sam's strolls--it has its power tools--Baker, Cox--and it’s tied together both by impressive scripting and a polished horror look. Had I seen this film a month before it was dipped in gold by the genre community, I’d be signing its praise to anone with a wallet and DVD player. After the early October reviews, however, I can’t help but feel a tad underwhelmed or rather, just not overwhelmed. It’s not to say I didn’t genuinely enjoy Trick'r Treat and won’t watch it again. I did and I will. But I’m just quite ready to make babies with the DVD case.

High Points
The dynamic score can be a tad overbearing at times, but ultimately pays off for every moment that it's needed


While I'm not always a big fan of comic book place panels onscreen, the opening credits are a great mood setter, especially since they bring me back to my own days of trick-or-treating long enough to receive the occasional religious booklet that read like an E.C. Comics take on the rapture


You have to admire the tightness of the intertwined action. It never feels forced, nor does it call attention to itself. Maybe you'd notice that the clown trick-or-treaters scared by Cox's bull terrier were the same kids who ran away at the sight of Emma's undercover slashing. Maybe you wouldn't. It doesn't take anything away, but catching the little connections certainly does add a nice layer of frosting to a nice cupcake of a film

Low Points
The aforementioned physical darkness of some of the segments blurs the action here and there, leaving someone sans Blu Ray or an HD TV squinting to catch all the action

As much as I love the bus massacre scene, it left one glaring question that took something away from the tale: what was the bus driver going to do with the bus and its children? I imagine he was set to crash it and hop out in time, and essentially, that happened. So what actually went wrong with the plan?

Lessons Learned

All pumpkin abusers will be slaughtered

A lollipop is not a toy... unless your playtime involves murder, at which point it's both useful and tasty

Suggesting your girlfriend dress like a boxy robot will make her feel inadequate and bitchy

Werewolf turn-ons include fake vampire teeth and elf ears

Rent/Bury/Buy

Considering the surprising lack of Halloween-themed films, Trick 'r Treat is probably a solid investment for an annual pumpkin fix. Unfortunately, all the extras seem to have been reserved exclusively for the Blu Ray edition. My Netflix DVD’s sole special feature was the wonderful animated short that inspired the film’s full length flesh out. This isn’t the best film you’ll see all year, but it’s a damn fine ride (perhaps even more fun than a hay ride, and certainly less itchy) by a director worth watching. If we’re lucky, we’ll get a similarly spirited sequel that retains its style but finds an even fresher approach to the stories it tells.

Never Mumble To Strangers

As film debuts and studio produced horror goes, Bryan Bertino's The Strangers is a fairly impressive little foray into the much overused home invasion genre. When compared to foreign cinema with similar setups, it's decent.


Quick Plot: A painfully unnecessary and dumbly ambiguous prologue recycled from TCM and The Blair Witch Project opens the film to inform us that a lot of brutal crimes happen in America. In case you can't handle not knowing what kind of film you're about to see, the kindly narrator lets us know that something really bad happened to two people we’re about to meet.

Get it? It's a horror movie. Clear? Let's move on:


Cut to a hauntingly bloody kitchen rotting in the morning sun before heading back to the events of the previous evening. A young couple returns to a lonely country house carrying more melancholy weight than Sarah McLaclahn at a mass puppy funeral. He proposed. She said no. That would spoil most people's nights, but it gets a whole lot worse when a trio of masked psychos decides to break in and spend the next few hours hunting the pretty leads with sharp knives, heavy axes, and a whole lot of stealth.

If all this sounds a bit familiar, then yes, you've seen it before in films like Vacancy, Straw Dogs, Funny Games, Inside, and almost directly, Ils. The Strangers never pretends to tread new territory, which is both its biggest strength and weakness. There are some excellent moments of creepy imagery, slightly unsettling actions, and perfectly timed jump scares early in the film before the masked maniacs are totally unleashed. Where I found that Ils (aka Them) took a little too much time establishing its tense atmosphere before finding its stride, The Strangers succeeds best at creating and building a haunting setup. Unfortunately, once the chase takes center stage, Bertino’s uniquely built tension slips more than Liv Tyler in an overgrown forrest of horror cliches. It's suspenseful enough, but eventually, Bertino runs out of ideas in staging stalking.


High Points
Excellent music choices played on a scratchy LP create an early mood of old-fashioned weirdness

Burlap sacks as masks are naturally scary. Any person willing to subject his or her cheeks to such itchiness must be a true badass


What probably separated The Strangers from a lot of direct-to-DVD horror was Liv Tyler's name, and while she's no Meryl Streep, her and Scott Speedman do make a sympathetic and realistically imperfect couple. The natural awkwardness of their failing romance gives The Strangers an extra layer of character that makes, at least the early scenes before the reveal of what's actually happening, a little more tense

Low Points
I guess James Earl Jones and John Laroquette were too expensive. Hence, the filmmaker grabbed someone with a clear speaking voice, handed him Macauly Culkin's Talkboy purchased on ebay from the set of Home Alone 2, then slowed the speed to create an unimpressively deep and artificial bass to voice the opening

While Tyler and Speedman do a fine job, I can’t imagine whose idea it was to cast two actors known primarily for their quiet and rather inaudible enunciating vocal performances


SPOILER
Like High Tension, I found the opening teaser scene to be unnecessary and unfair. I imagine the filmmaker wanted to compensate for the lack of early bloodshed by hinting at what’s to come, but it takes a lot away from a suspenseful 90 minute 2 character hunt to reveal the final result in the first two minutes


Lessons Learned
Cigarettes will indeed kill you


Wearing masks does little to lower the range of one’s peripheral vision

When proposing, always have a backup plan in the event your intended declines your ring. Otherwise, you not only risk spending a very awkward night drinking champagne for the wrong reasons; you may very well become the prey of mask-wearing quiet people


Rent/Bury/Buy
This is definitely worth one viewing with the lights off, but I don't see it gaining any sort of classic status. There's a lot to admire in Bertino's tense staging and depressingly dark atmosphere, but the effect starts to wear off as the chase scenes physically intensify. A quietly moved cell phone and unseen shadowy figure lurking behind our oblivious heroine is far scarier than the gory sendoff of a minor character. There's not a lot to say about The Strangers, but that's not necessarily a terrible thing. Sometimes, a tight, somewhat predictable but cleanly made little horror is all you really need to keep your DVD player warm and filmic appetite sated.

My Mother-In-Law Is a Demon. But How Are You?

One of the things I love about post-apocalyptic fiction is how human beings are so quickly turned into ravenous scavengers. Without the comfort of modern society, the consensus seems to be that our daily lives will consist of finding what’s edible and tearing it apart with our bare hands. Sleep. Hunt. Repeat. Not nearly as much fun as it sounds.

Set in feudal Japan during a chaotic (offscreen) civil war, Onibaba tells the hellish story of two desperate women with fierce survival instincts and incredibly primal appetites. Left alone in the grassy countryside, the only way to eat is to slaughter renegade samurai and trade their military garb for meager rations from the general store (or hut). Life is bare existence, as the pair--an old woman and her dutiful daughter-in-law--toil through the days, shoveling rice into their mouths, sleeping nude amongst the sweltering heat and aggressive drum beats, and filling deep Freudian holes with warrior corpses. The closest they come to joy is the rabid and successful hunt of a meaty puppy.


Enter Hachi, a surviving veteran of sorts (he went AWOL in a war no one seems to be keeping track of by dressing like a priest) who promptly (well, after a free meal) informs his hostesses that the man they share is dead. There’s little time for mourning as Hachi lusts after the widow, the widow coordinates nighttime trysts with Hachi, and the mother plots to keep her only companion. The highlight for most viewers comes in the third act, when a wandering samurai meets the increasingly embittered mother-in-law. Their odd little walkabout is intriguing in itself, but what follows is a wonderfully wicked ending ripped out of a Buddhist morality tale.

Like The Virgin Spring, Onibaba features a medieval setting, internal religious conflict, and a female deeply enslaved to her animal nature. Where Bergman's film explored the weakness of Christianity in the face of primal rage, Shindo Kaneto's story seems less concerned with religious karma and more intent on bringing our basic human needs and desires onto the screen. Our nameless (anti)heroines are the creatures of myth, but one of the brilliant aspects of Onibaba is just how believable their hunger is. With their lives boiled down to survival, what more can they want but a full meal and a gratifying roll in the tall grass?

High Points
A soundtrack filled with frantic drums and the occasional scream is extraordinary in establishing a world without order


Some genuine humor, particularly from the magnetic Kei Sato as Hachi


Low Points
I won’t go into spoilers, but one of our characters has a more definite conclusion than the others, and it’s so sudden that its significance feels lost


Lessons Learned
Never put something on your face when you don’t know where it’s been

Just in case you had any doubts, living with your mother-in-law is not a good idea


Sex in a bad economy is worth one bag of millet

Rent/Bury/Buy
Any DVD issued by the Criterion Collection is automatically worth the splurge (based both on quality of film and loaded features), and Onibaba is no different. The visual design is both horrifying and haunting, the score is uniquely violent, and the performances create memorable--if not overly likable-- characters that fill their archetypal roles while maintaining genuine charisma. This is a classic that earns its ranking.

I get lost in your eyes...

While I recover from the Oscars (it's a three day process, especially when said ceremony features Hugh Jackman performing an interpretive dance about The Reader) I thought I'd present a niblet of food for thought. Is it just me, or was England's most lovable claymation canine inspired by the Japanese demon mask worn by the samurai in Onibaba?