Tiptoe Through the Blood Harvest

Teenagers have odd hobbies. Some play hackysack while trying to keep their jeans from falling below the knee. Others hit the mall to practice shoplifting in the hopes of impressing friends. Then there was me.

Back in the ‘90s, I had a Sunday ritual that knew no obstacle: reading the newspaper’s edition of the TV guide that listed mini-reviews and star ratings for each and every film airing that week. What can I say? I was kool.

I mention this because the main memory I have for today’s feature, Blood Harvest, comes from a Sunday past. I recall reading the description--something about a killer clown loose on a farming town--and excitedly staying awake until 2:30AM to watch it. If memory serves, it was not the wisest choice I’ve made in my life.

But to be sure, it seemed time to revisit this 1987 not-anywhere-near-classic, particularly after being so inspired by Insidious’ use of Tiptoe Through the Tulips.

Quick Plot: In a quiet Wisconsin farming town, college dropout (due to an engagement, natch) Jill returns home to her banker parents, a family now despised by the community whose homes they keep repossessing. Jill can’t actually seem to find her folks (or act), though neighbor and first love Gary and his touched brother Merv (the one and only tiptoer) are there for support/creepiness. Little by little, Jill’s friends and fiancee (played, in sunglasses and no shirt, by a very young Peter Krause) start getting slaughtered in the barn not too conspicuously located right behind her quiet country home. 

Is the man-child-clown to blame? If so, why does he conduct his murders in a nylon stocking and jean outfit instead of puffy pants and pancake makeup? To give away the twist would be cruel--even if it’s about as obvious as the fact that Kenny G. uses the same barber--so I’ll instead harp on some of the other random moments in the film:

-We are introduced to our main character, Jill, as she walks home with a suitcase. A conversation plays over the credits, wherein Jill speaks to her mother about coming back from college and how the town is in distress. Nothing odd about this except for the fact that a) we only hear Jill’s side of the conversation, complete with pauses as her mute mother assumedly speaks and b) the conversation has no visual connection with a telephone whatsoever. Maybe it’s me, but there’s something incredibly off about such a directorial choice.

-There’s plenty of female nudity (and a few drops of not overly welcome male rears), but oddly enough, director (and MST3K veteran) Bill Rebane seems enamored by zooming in on less conventionally sexy body parts, like Jill’s bare knees as she applies lotion

-That when in doubt, Tiny Tim pops onscreen to sing falsetto

Blood Harvest is as bad a film as you’re probably imagining, but it has that ‘80s charm coupled with some quality kitch. There’s Krause yuppying it up with sunglasses and high hair, Tiny Tim mugging in clownface, and the inexperienced Itonia Salchek donning a side ponytail with unlikable charm. Coulrophobes will be unsettled by Merv because let’s face it: a puffy curly haired clown with a soprano twang is actually terrifying, even if he’s in a terrible movie.

High Points

Though his performance is essentially the most ridiculous thing ever, you have to give some props to Tiny Tim for truly going all out with it, even closing the credits with a twisted song about making children laugh

Low Points

The fact that lead actress Itonia Salchek’s only screen credit is Blood Harvest tells you all you need to know about how well-acted this film is

Lessons Learned

A bullet in your gut won’t kill you, but one in your upper left breastbone six inches away from your heart will do so instantly

It takes a long time to say goodbye to your friends

Small town sheriffs cherish their softball and poker games

Curious Credit

Peter Krause (the later Nate Fischer) plays Jill’s future husband Scott. We know this because she coos/cries “Scott!” about eighteen times in the film. So why is his character listed in the credits as “Boyfriend?”

Rent/Bury/Buy

Sadly Blood Harvest is, to my knowledge, the only chance you’ll have to watch Tiny Tim play a vaguely menacing Wisconsin killer clown. That’s enough to make someone like me put Blood Harvest on the Netflix queue or pick it up at a bargain--and I mean, same cost as a hot dog--price. The disc has another awful little horror film on the flip side called Naked Dreams, which I watched for about 30 minutes before boredom kicked in. Clearly the film didn’t have nearly enough high-voiced clown murders for my liking. So rent Blood Harvest if you’re intrigued by what it offers (which is Tiny Tim as a clown and Peter Krause in sunglasses) but don’t go tiptoeing through tulips just to find it. 

More Proof For Why You Should Never Let Barbara Hershey Be Your Mom

Here’s the thing about the act of “going to the movies”: it lets you know what a ‘real’ roomful of ticket buyers actually thinks about virtually every beat. Sure, there are cell phone ringtones that defy rhythmic logic, inappropriate comments about after-show plans, and nacho crunching so loud it would make Marlee Matlin jump, but there is sometimes a genuine joy that comes with a Friday night crowd at a horror movie.

Thus is how I saw Insidious and really, that’s the way this better-than-you’d-think ghost(ish) story should be seen.

Quick Plot: A soon-to-be unhappy happy family moves into a creepy new house and immediately starts sensing trouble inside. Musician mom Renai (Rose Byrne, always sympathetic and sad-eyed) hears funky sounds over the baby monitor while middle child Dalton complains about bad things abound in his bedroom and dad Josh (Patrick Wilson) grows cold and distant. Before long, the boy falls into a mysterious coma and Renai is seeing flashes of mysterious strangers lurking in closets.

That’s the very basic setup of Insidious, and maybe all you should know going in. For the fresh spoiler-free review, skip down to the bottom or just hear me say here “I liked, didn’t love, but genuinely enjoyed Insidious and highly recommend buying a ticket.” Thanks for stopping by.

MINOR SPOILERS BEGIN

With Dalton unresponsive and the weirdness growing in the house, the Lamberts do something wacky (for a horror movie) and move. Assuming their real estate jenga cost them a few bucks, the new digs are much smaller and less haunting-ready, but that doesn’t stop an evil little dwarf thing from dancing wildly to Tiptoe Through the Tulips!

Yes, that happens, and it’s way more terrifying than Tiny Tim’s turn as a maybe-killer clown in Blood Harvest.

although looking at this photo, maybe Blood Harvest is way scarier than my memory recalls

I mean it! The dancing dwarf thing is ICKY and got the kind of universal “Ahh!” scream from my nacho-eating movie crowd that you long for with these kinds of films. For its first half, Insidious is incredibly effective as a haunted house/child tale. The solid cast keeps it grounded, central horror of a little boy lost keeps us caring, and two pretty dang incredible jump scares catch us at just the right place. It’s a GENUINELY scary film.

Even the ghostbusting comic relief keeps Insidious alive. At the recommendation of Josh’s mom Barbara Hershey (whaaaa?), Renai invites a trio of paranormal investigators inside. Sure, they’re clearly modeled on Poltergeist’s Zelda & Co. (or nerds from that OTHER Barbara Hershey possessed film, The Entity), but as played by screenwriter Leigh Whannell, Angus Sampson, and Dead End’s Lin Shaye, they’re quite entertaining and do a nice job of lightening the mood before the inevitable spookhouse finale. And that, dear readers, is right where Insidious goes from great little theatrical horror treat to good one.

It’s not that Insidious throws away its strengths in the final reel; it just doesn’t quite commit to what it had established. The explanation for Dalton’s possession/absence/coma-thing works fine, and bringing in Josh’s past hauntings adds a fine layer to the end. The problem lies in Wan’s execution and styling in The Further, the sort of astral netherworld trapping Dalton and a slew of other beasties. While individual moments are skin-crawling (ironing ironing ironing!), the setting has no real visual style or basic geography, something that limits our sense of place. It doesn’t help that the main villain that has been terrifying us for the first hour ultimately looks like an extra from the ballroom dance sequence in Labyrinth.

But that being said, Insidious does end on a pretty fantastic note and hey, for one hour, it actually unnerved me. That’s not an easy feat nowadays.

High Points

Just because I get tired of people whining about it, let us all give a little nod to the fact that Insidious is rated PG-13 and in now way does that ever detract from any of its scares

One of my biggest pet peeves in horror is how characters never seem to think to turn on their lights when there are mysterious noises and/or certain killers lurking throughout their homes. So thank you, Josh Lambert, for insisting on flicking on EVERY SINGLE light switch when investigating

Low Points

Generally, the whole design (or lack thereof) of Dalton and Josh's astral land. Now that I've said that, I'm envisioning an amusement park named Astral Land and my goodness, it's far more visually interesting 

Lessons Learned

When not eerie, gas masks are great for a go-to laugh

Pay attention to your children's art. It may be awful, but occasionally, it will also give perfectly specific clues for finding them in Astral Land

Matching your pajamas to your family members is really just asking for a demon thing to come take one of you away

If we’ve learned anything from The Entity, Beaches, Black Swan, and now, Insidious, it is this: Barbara Hershey is not the woman you want to be your mom

Stray Observation

So do we all agree that the only reason this family had two other children, in terms of story, was so 1) we could have a baby monitor scare and 2) the older brother could spout that quite unsettling line, "I don't like when Dalton walks around." Because really, that's all they were there for yes?

See/Skip/Sneak In

Depending on which marketing campaign you’ve seen, you probably know that Insidious is made by either the (deep voice) “team that brought you Saw” or (slightly less deep voice) “producers of Paranormal Activity.” What it actually ties most to, however, is Wan & Whannell’s second team effort, Dead Silence, an imperfect but fun little throwback to classic horror. Insidious is far more accomplished and does seem to show an upward growth for these two genre enthusiastic Aussies. More importantly, it’s an original horror film (cue token ‘not a remake/sequel/reimagining/redux/rere’ tag) that is, in my opinion, easily worth a modern day ticket price. See it, share your thoughts, and if you eat nachos (and why should you not?) please, I say please, stop raping them during the quiet parts.