Things You See In a Graveyard (providing the lighting is good enough)

I want to be very clear, particularly during the holiday season when negativity is the last thing anyone needs: I don't like trashing low budget movies. I've never worked in the industry, and I fully respect the incredible amount of hard work that goes into crafting a full-length film, particularly without a lot of resources. 

At the same time, if this website only covered studio-produced 7-digit budgeted films, we'd miss a lot of gems. As a lifelong horror fan, I've spent decades sifting through muck and vow to never stop.

Even when it means I watch a movie like Ghost In the Graveyard. 

Quick Plot: High school senior Sally has returned to Mt. Moriah after a mysterious 9-month vacation. Her history in the town has always been rough: ten years earlier, her best friend Martha died in front of her falling into an open grave while playing the film's titular game. 

Now, things are...strange. And incredibly confusing. Sally's dad (a shockingly normal Jake Busey) and older brother Billy welcome her back with open arms and tea (everybody here drinks a lot of tea) just in time for the town paperboy to be brutally murdered by Martha's grave. The town sheriff casts some suspicion on Sally, who's also struggling to fit back into high school amid visions of ghost Martha and the hive of mean girl Zoe and her maybe boyfriend Reed, who's also been Sally's penpal during her mysterious sabbatical. 

Oh, and maybe Sally had a baby?

I don't know how to properly explain just how confusing Ghost In the Graveyard is in terms of its narrative. First, there's the odd age of actors that left me trying to figure out how Billy fit into the family (it took me several extra scenes to confirm that he wasn't Jake Busey's brother or boyfriend, but actually, his son). Zoe starts off as typical head Heather, only to actually be (spoiler, if you can decipher) a willing or unwilling evil witch. And most notably, Sally's absence is never explained, nor is the random infant that occasionally shows up as a seeming member of the family ever actually explained. 

It's...folks...this is weird.

Also, not particularly good, though first-time writer/director Charlie Camparetto is clearly trying (and based on the number of times "Camparetto" appears in the closing crew credits, so was everybody related to him). Between the Book of Revelation prophesying and Da Vinci Code plot twists, the script isn't lazy...it's just bad. Tones shift wildly from scene to scene, backstories are dangled without any explanation, and the grand finale is so weirdly shot that we barely know what's happening (not that we did by following the story anyway).

Is this more competently made than, say, Grandmother's House? Certainly. The cast is clearly doing what they can, but goodness, they are working with reheated leftovers of a meal that wasn't very good to start with. 

High Points

I'm reaching here, but I guess I'll throw out a bit of "huh, didn't see that happening" shoulder bump to the brutal murder-by-way-of-baseball of a child 10 minutes in

Low Points

Seriously, I spent a fair amount of time scouring the internet to make sure i wasn't the only viewer who watched this movie and said, "BUT WHO THE HELL DOES THIS BABY BELONG TO?" and yup, the handful of actual posts about Ghost In the Graveyard all ask the same question

Lessons Learned

Going away for 9 months as a 17-year-old will bring you back with terrible hat style

A surprise perk of being the descendent of the Virgin Mary is that everyone wants to make you tea

Live long enough so that your tombstone isn't titled "Little"

Rent/Bury/Buy

Ghost In the Graveyard is not good by any real definition of the word "good." Yes, there are far worse things out there, but I say that as someone who spends far too much time looking for them. 

Superlative Slaughter

I know the pain of high school is one of pop culture's most fertile wells, but I still don't quite get the obsession. I was a chubby, nerdy, flute playing drama club participating badminton playing National Honor Society treasurer who loved horror movies and yet I can't point to one moment where I felt targeted by the cheerleaders and quarterbacks. On the flip side, I don't ever recall setting up the kind of prank that would break a teenager's psyche and send such an outcast down a deadly spiral of vengeance.

Perhaps that's a good thing, since it means I'll never end up in a slasher.

Quick Plot: A gaggle of mostly attractive 28-year-olds are assembling for their ten-year high school reunion. Hosting the pre-gaming is Ryan, a professional hockey player who was just released from his contract by the NY Rangers. When his girlfriend Ashley arrives at his empty coastal mansion to cheer him up, she ends up murdered in a method that brings her high school superlative to life: most likely to end up with her name in lights.

Though Ryan is missing, the rest of his pals obliviously assemble to drink beer, play in a hot tub, and spend a lot of time using poker as a metaphor. Millennials truly are the worst.

As the night goes on, our gang of extremely attractive (and Perez Hilton) victims-to-be discover someone--most likely the outcast whom they bullied into oblivion--is on the hunt, taking each one down with some sort of cute wordplay on their senior year fame.

Most Likely to Die is essentially a 21st century take on Slaughter High. Considering nearly 80% of slashers get their start from a bullied weirdo delivering comeuppance, there's absolutely nothing wrong with that in concept and in the case of this film, execution. It's perfectly fine.

That's not necessarily the glowing endorsement I was hoping to have. Headed by Glee's secret weapon Heather Morris, the cast is (with one obvious exception) better than average, and we even get Jake Busey in the role of, well, essentially, Gary Busey. The violence finds a good balance between wackiness and realistic pain, and the pacing is done in just the right way.

But, well, I don't know. There's something lacking in Most Likely to Die, some spark or special tone to really make it pop.  As a mindless and slickly done slasher with some humor, it's absolutely solid entertainment. As a movie I'll remember two years from now, it's absolutely a movie I'll check Letterboxd to confirm that I watched.

High/Low Point Tie
On one hand, Perez Hilton is the worst thing in this movie. On the other, his lady screams are so perfectly shrill that they genuinely brighten the entire scene. We're calling this one a stalemate

Lessons Learned
You do not get laid by leading your girlfriend into opening a closet with precariously stacked items just waiting to tumble on her little blond head

The cure for a gushing stab wound is boiled water

Seriously, don't bully the awkward kid in high school. HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?

Rent/Bury/Buy

If you're looking for a light-spirited throwback slasher, Most Likely to Die is more than adequate to pass the time. I can't quite put my finger on what's missing here, but it didn't charm me the way I was hoping. My pickiness aside, this is a perfectly fine modern horror film that may awaken your nostalgia for that tried and true subgenre of nerd vengeance.