Hungry For Some 90s

When a film with a mildly interesting premise (such as today's)  is listed as “Long Wait” on the third arm of mine I like to call Netflix Queue, I immediately bump it to the top in fear that a) it might be special if others keep stealing it or b) it may disappear as discs get damaged or stolen. Sometimes, this yields great things like Brotherhood of Satan. Others, we get Deadly Little Christmas and I die a little inside (until I find that defibrillator I like to call writing). 

Quick Plot: Meet Monica, an attractive 28 year old (who makes me look young, so rock on, late '90s fashion) who thinks she's found Mr. Right. Sure, he's a tad creepy, what with the whole meeting-women-at-bars-by-videotaping-them-until-they-display-wit thing, but hey, he also sends a dozen roses, rocks some Dylan McKay height hair, and offers to cook dinner on a fateful second week date. Clearly this tale will end with a montage at David's Bridal and honeymoon at Sandals.

Or more likely, with Monica chained in a dank basement as she wilts down to the chic Kate Moss skeletal look while Scott plays out a sadistic game of starvation and memory wipe on our plucky career woman. Meanwhile, Monica's best pal (whose name I didn’t write down and can't quite navigate the IMDB page successfully enough to guess) takes the investigation into her own hands when the police seem way more concerned with perfecting awfully odd accents that don't really fit the Vermont setting. Damn pigs.

Starved calls to mind more recent man-taking-woman-hostage films like Shellter and Broken, with an interesting twist in that Scott has no sexual interest in Monica. Instead, he's simply a sociopath who seems to enjoy the power he has in rewriting her identity, slowly trying his best to convince her that she is someone else. As I often say when excusing my habit playing Internet Boggle or spanking my cat, we all have our hobbies.

Poor Monica, on the other hand (played decently by Cinemax veteran Lee Anne Beaman) doesn't have many options. With a morsel of rice every once in a while, she simply isn't physically strong enough to attempt any sort of escape, a good trick that keeps the audience from the inevitable "just hit him on the head!" shouting that is so often instinctual with these kinds of premises. Co-directors Guy Crawford and Yvette Hoffman do a good job of capturing her hell, never shying away from making an attractive woman into a yellow toothed stick of malnourishment and showing through some delusions where our victim's head is at. Unfortunately, they also see the need to cut away from Scott and Monica to follow her friend on her quest. While the main supporting actress pulls off her role, virtually every other supporting character (from a beefy private investigator to Scott's next would-be victim) comes off as if auditioning for walk-on roles in a softcore porn. It takes a little away from the far more effective basement narrative and ultimately prevents Starved from achieving a true sense of disturbing.

Though IMDB lists Starved's release date as 2000, the film feels incredibly 1996, from its camera style to oversized blazers. That definitely helps to keep things interesting, but maybe also weighs any sense of seriousness far down. Then again, there have been far superior films made about psychological torture and at the end of the day, Starved needs anything it can get to last in your memory.

High Points

The unglamorous attitude towards Monica helps to make her entrapment fairly believable

Low Points

Did we need scrolling text to inform us that men like Scott exist because society lets them? Absolutely not, and the obvious preachiness of the last beat forced Starved into something far less interesting and subtle than its previous 90 minutes led us to believe

Lessons Learned

When you wake up chained in a basement, you probably don’t have to tell the owner that you’re in there. You can safely assume he’s already aware

You should know you’re on a date from hell when your gentleman caller earnestly asks “Tell me more about your mother”

A search warrant takes an hour, two at the most

Rent/Bury/Buy

There are a lot better films made about mad men and the women they torture than Starved. That being said, this is a somewhat interesting take on the age-old premise made during a time when torture porn was not even gestating in the wombs of modern filmmakers. The bizarre PG13 rating is appropriate only for what is graphically not shown, but the ideas and mood are disturbing enough. So rent it if you’re genuinely curious about a mediocre take on this genre. Otherwise, just cue up any one of the many 90210 episodes where one of the pretty young gals was taken hostage by some dude or another.  

Death Chair: The Chair That Drags You Into a Hell Dimension

The more closely I watch films, the more pretentiously observant I come to think myself as being.

Damnit! In typing that sentence, I just broke another monocle. Good thing I get these things in bulk!

What I was trying to say--sorry, I should pause the Chopin so you can hear me--is that lately, I’ve been paying closer attention to things that make a film rather than just the film itself. I started thinking about this back when I watched Fabrice Du Weiz’s Calvaire and continuously thought, “this is an incredibly well-made film sitting inside a mediocre one.” Full thoughts on that over on episode 18 of the Girls On Film Podcast. It made me want to seek out more from the director, and now having seen his fairly incredible followup Vinyan, I get why.

I bring this up because last year, I watched a frustratingly nasty but quite well-constructed torturesome flick called Broken, made by Adam Mason and co-written by Simon Boyes. It made me miserable, but I couldn’t deny it bore the promise of an intriguing filmmaking team with better work ahead.

Hence, today I test that theory with their 2007 feature, The Devil’s Chair.

Have a seat.

Quick Plot: A pair of horny drug doers named Nick West and Sammy head to an abandoned lunatic asylum to pop some LSD and have kinky sex in a mysteriously rusted torture-ready chair. 

Some of us call such events ‘Thursday.’

It’s all very sexy in a grungy and not actually sexy way until the titular apparatus closes on Sammy, tearing at her flesh before evaporating the screaming addict into thin air.

Flash forward a few years to West as a patient in a mental asylum. Experimental psychologist Dr. Willard decides to cure his delusions by bringing West back to the site of his lady love’s disappearance, dragging a few assistants along the way.

Before you can hum the opening bars to “Sit Down You’re Rocking the Boat,” everyone is taking turns popping a squat and subsequently getting sent into an alternate Hellraiser-ish dimension where a freaky demon is on the hunt.

Different, right? Throughout the film, West narrates with an amused tongue-in-cheek attitude, something that rounds The Devil’s Chair in a self-aware state. We don’t quite know how seriously to take the Silent Hill-esque horrors lurking on the other side and while it might subtract something from the scare factor, it also gives the film a unique and wicked sense of humor that pays off well in a rather horrifying finale.

High Points

To go into too much detail on the performances may lead to spoilers, but I will say some of the hammier acting might be more clever than you think and throughout it all, lead Andrew Howard (the sheriff from the I Spit On Your Grave remake) is pretty fantastic

Low Points

Though the hell side of The Devil’s Chair has its moments, it also, unfortunately, has a whole lot of shabby CGI

Lessons Learned

A typical psychological research team will, without any question, include exceedingly attractive females

British people have odd ideas of pajamas, unless skeleton t-shirts, white riding pants, and boots are actually comfortable

In alternate hell dimensions, it’s very hard to hear giant monsters sneaking up on you, even when there’s nothing else anywhere near you making a noise

Rent/Bury/Buy

The Devil’s Chair is quite a confident little slice of genre fare that has some mean fun with tried and true conventions. Like Broken, it’s not for the faint of heart but it hits you hard with an interesting lead character, brutal imagery, and an effective twist that will most likely divide its blood-covered audience. It might not be for you, but if the style and story sound like your grog, have a seat (not in anything with rust) and give it a try.

De-Filed!

April 16th is a day most celebrated by CPAs relieved to end the hellish tax season, but for those off-the-books employees, it's just another 24 hours of cash payments without government interference. Of course, under the table occupations come with their own drawbacks in addition to the benefits--not legal, of course--that one should always consider before biting a thumb at Uncle Sam.

But gee, how can I possibly know which unofficial careers are hazardous? Considering this is a column devoted to horror movies, do you really have to ask?

Graverobbing

As Seen In: I Sell the Dead, Repo! The Genetic Opera

Perks: Depending on the climate, the joy of working outdoors; coworkers won’t annoy you with personal calls or gum snapping

Cons: The smell of rotting flesh; the occasional zombie uprising; vicious wars with Irish street gangs; likely STDs contracted from client Paris Hilton

Babysitting

As Seen In: Halloween, House of the Devil, When a Stranger Calls, The Pit

Perks: Free reign on a stranger’s kitchen; access to cable TV; that feeling of power you can relish in dangling early bedtime over weaker beings

Cons: Becoming the target of a super efficient slasher, dealing with bratty, occasionally dirty-minded rugrats with Svengali-esque teddy bears

Handyman

As Seen In: The Beyond, The Bad Seed, The Hand That Rocks the Cradle

Perks: There’s always a new task to tackle

Cons: Dealing with shoddy non-OSHA certified ladders can easily cause fatal falls over the gates of hell; Competition with other househelp can lead to legal woes; Disagreements with employers’ children never ends in your favor

Artist

As Seen In: Spiral, Fear of Clowns, The Driller Killer, The Collector (1965)

Perks: Get beautiful women to stare at you seductively in progressively less clothing each week; Host gallery openings where you can meet wealthy single men

Cons: Being stalked by topless clowns; Being kidnapped by creepy Terrence Stamp; Feeling mooched off of by your bisexual girlfriend

Prostitution

As Seen In: Peeping Tom, American Psycho, Saw II/IV,

Perks: Great for those that prefer nighttime hours; Occasional wealthy clients can yield a decent payday

Cons: The whole having-sex-with-maniacs thing doesn't always prove worth the stitches and chainsaw-caused concussions; Being locked inside dank real estate filled with poisonous gas and six other ex-cons

Thievery

As Seen In: The People Under the Stairs, Psycho

Perks: Enjoying money and pretty things that aren’t yours

Cons: Guard dogs; Twitchiness; Karma

Camp Chef

As Seen In: Sleepaway Camp

Perks: All the oatmeal you can sneak; In a world pre-Megan’s Law, it seems possible to get hired despite a clear sense of ill intentions towards kids

Cons: Nobody misses you (or your cooking) when you end up boiling in your own pot

Slavery

As Seen In: Candyman, Underworld, Broken

Perks: Zero stress wondering what to do with your time

Cons: Angry mobs; Chains can chafe 

I don't know about the rest of you, but I think I'll stick with clocking in my hours. Sure, even the most straight-laced employers can be agents of the devil, but at least they'll lead a paper trail into hell where, if you're lucky, a union rep just might bail you out. 

Hate Life? Perhaps Yours Is Just BROKEN

Shhhhhhh. Don’t tell anybody, but I watched this film. That’s right, intro banner that warned “This DVD is for sale only” be damned, I hit ‘play’ and viewed it. Then sent it back to Netflix without selling it. I’m wild like that. 

I’m also something of a movie masochist, often in more ways than one. You knew that from my inability to not watch titles like Death Bed: The Bed That Eats, Empire of the Ants, or anything from any one of my four Mill Creek 50 packs. Broken is a different kind of pain: a well-made 2006 horror that seeks to do nothing more than make you miserable. Consider it one of those truly unpleasant experiences--not without its merit, mind you--worth investing in when the sun is shining way too brightly and you really feel the need to stab your eyes with cyanide coated safety pins.

Quick Plot: A dimly lit prologue follows a woman awakening in an above ground coffin (thank heaven for small favors). As she stumbles through a seemingly empty forest, a man clad in black butts his rifle in her face. Moments later, she finds herself tied to a tree with a nagging stomach cramp. That tends to happen when a razor blade has been inserted and stitched up inside. 

Worst. Day. Ever.

After a messy self-inflicted operation, our mystery blond is offered the chance to go on or give up. Bleeding and beaten, she makes her choice and we sigh in relief to see her misery end. 

Then we realize we’re about to get treated to watching this all over again.

Two weeks later, a nice single mum named Hope (Nadja Brand) achieves the kind of blind date that makes girlfriends squeal with envious glee. But you know what’s worse than the dreamguy not calling for a followup? Being kidnapped by another unnamed fellow and enslaved in the wilderness.

And that’s pretty much the plot in a linguistic nutshell. After surviving a few early torturesome tasks, Hope is shackled and re-dressed as her captor (known in credits simply as The Man and played by Eric Colvin with a slight resemblance to Robert Englung channeling Anthony Perkins) forces her to tend a garden and scrub his pots (not a euphemism). Hope clings to, well, hope, playing the part of the happy servant in the hopes that The Man will divulge the fate of her young daughter. There’s not an incredible amount more to tell without spoiling, but then again, there’s also not a whole lot more that actually happens anyway.

Broken was filmed over the course of two years by co-directors Simon Boyes and Adam Mason, a fact well documented in the dense extras on the Dimension Extreme’s DVD. Financed primarily by the filmmakers and lead actress Nadja Brand (then married to Mason, a fact that’s interesting in itself when you consider some of this particular process), Broken is surprisingly successful at making the most of one location (and making it appear far more sprawling onscreen) and finding its cinematic voice despite its meager share of dialogue. I never doubted Hope’s desperation or the The Man’s carefully laid out plan. The film that takes place is a sort of nightmare, but the narrative itself is delivered in a fully believable way.

Then again, I also didn’t enjoy the movie, but you should probably worry for my moral stability if I had. Unlike something like the later Saw movies (jabbed at so specifically on the DVD cover), which inadvertently invoke humor based on the sheer over-the-toppitude of increasingly elaborate traps, Broken is played out with all the solemnity of a funeral. I suppose this is appropriate, as slavery isn’t generally a laughing manner and some of Hope’s decisions need that level of escalated reality in order to register in their horror, but it also makes for one truly unpleasant viewing experience. 

Is it worth your time? It all depends on how you like to spend it. The enslavement angle is quite interesting and how it plays out is far different from a lot of other woman-in-peril themed cinema, straight down to the surprising role sex plays and the simultaneous disturbing/inoffensive scene that takes the relationship into new territory. For what it is and what has come before it, Broken is noteworthy and not without merit. That doesn’t mean I have any desire to ever see it again.

High Points

Despite being shot on digital video for less money than Harvey Weinstein’s lunch bill, Broken’s photography is absolutely striking

She doesn’t really get much to do, but Nadja Brand is a strong presence who helps to hold the film together with earnestness and believability

The opening structure that introduces Hope is quite cleverly done. Instead of drawn-out scenes to force an audience connection, we get a quick and cute date to establish some details about our soon-to-be heroine and immediately build a connection to her daughter

Low Points

It’s okay for us to never really understand the nature of The Man, but Colvin’s performance doesn’t quite make him the enigma the script calls for him to be

I can generally excuse character actions (or lack thereof) that violate common sense in a stressful situation, but by the third almost-kill-the-villain-but-run-away-instead choice, it’s hard to maintain sympathy for Hope

Middle Ground

The ending is thoroughly cruel but not unwarranted in terms of the story. It’s miserable and will make you want to hug a puppy or hide inside the belly of a Tauntaun, but there’s a place for cinematic nihilism and Broken tends it with gardening skills straight out of a handbook

Lessons Learned

White fabric remains remarkably clean in lonely forests

Schoolgirl uniforms must be kept intact at all times. Sure, that tie may be confining, but rules are rules

To tend a near mortal wound, all you really need is a sprinkle of oregano

Rent/Bury/Buy

Broken is a tough movie to watch, but it’s somehow even more difficult to review. On one hand, few things are less pleasant than mean-spirited horror, where characters seem victimized purely to make the audience miserable. On the other, Broken is a beautifully shot, well executed example of how to make a horror film on a shoestring budget. The DVD includes several worthwhile extras, including a directors’ commentary, 50 minute making-of, and rather candid interview with likable star Nadya Brand. All the behind-the-scenes documentaries are extremely informative for budding filmmakers and refreshingly (sometimes uncomfortably) honest for general fans who simply want to learn more about what it took to get the final result (apparently, one marriage was at least part of the cost). If you’re interested in extreme or indie cinema, there’s a lot to learn here. If you’re not, there’s a whole lot less to enjoy.