We All Have Nightmares of Stage Fright

There are LOT of films with the title "Nightmares," which makes me want to use 1980s's Nightmares' alternate title, Stage Fright, except I've already reviewed TWO movies with that title and you know what? I'm just confused now.

Quick Plot: Young Cathy is supposed to be fast asleep in the back seat of the car en route to visit Grandma, but the little girl wakes up just in time to see her mother making out with a man in the passenger seat who is in no way her father. Her shock causes an accident that throws her mother through the windshield. Confused and well-intentioned Cathy pulls her mother back inside, accidentally slitting her throat with broken glass shards.

Some years later, Cathy is a talented but nightmare-plagued actress who goes by the name Helen Selleck. After accepting a key role in an experimental play directed by one of Australia's most prominent theater kings, she hesitantly begins a romantic relationship with Terry, her soap opera bred costar. 

As the rehearsal process begins, a rash of glass shard-based murders follows. While they seem specifically based on Helen's wrath, all the killings are done in a sort of POV style that never shows us the identity of the murderer(ess). 

Until, well, SPOILER, I think maybe?

...we have it confirmed at the end that yes, yeah obviously, duh, it's Helen.

So obviously, Nightmares isn't necessarily the cleanest of low budget Ozsploitation slashers to now air in grainy Amazon Prime glory. The film seems to hold back on Helen's wrath as if it hadn't decided whether the killer's identity should be a mystery or not, only to dump it on us at the end as if we knew all along. It's...strange.

As is most of Nightmares really, which is why it's extremely ridiculous fun. Directed with a clear hatred towards highbrow critics by John Lamond, Nightmares is at its best when it's playing with the flamboyant bitchiness of the theater world, from its ascot clad director who insults his cast Shakespearean level language to the bisexual critic who flaunts his influence with relish. The actual horror is muddled in its execution and whatever Hitchcockian points the film wanted to explore with its sex-scared lead gets lost amongst the shards of glass and randomly inserted T&A, but Nightmares remains, if nothing else, an awkwardly entertaining good time.

High Points

As someone who spent a fair amount of time around theater people, I appreciate how Nightmares finds some snarky ways to target some of their more obnoxious habits (cut to Emily's college memory of being publicly shamed for introducing myself at an audition with "I'll be doing a monologue from Macbeth")

Low Points

You know, the fact that the story seems more confused than the lead character

Lessons Learned

Surviving a brutal car accident can change a lot of things about you, including eliminating any trace of your Australian accent

Never whistle or wear green in a theater in front of obnoxiously superstitious theater people

There's no such thing as a one hour call

Rent/Bury/Buy

Nightmares is not by any conventional definition a good movie. It's a messy, weirdly shot oddity that nevertheless entertained me for the right and wrong reasons. Dive in when you want some 1980 era Aussie sleaze. 

The Music of the Fright

It may have been suggested, at least once or twice, that I’m something of a musical theater fan. Perhaps it’s the stack of Playbills hung on my childhood bedroom wall, the pile of VHS tapes my pals and I used to make in high school featuring us performing Broadway showtunes, or the fact that the best energy boost I’ve ever had in a half marathon is hearing Defying Gravity blasting just half a mile before the finish line.

Yes, I love musicals. I’d probably sell my soul or at the very least, a cat in return for a good singing voice but as I’ve yet to find the right market, I instead comfort myself listening to others. When the world is great--I mean, REALLY great--I find that in a horror movie.

Quick Plot: After a rousing opening night of a new Broadway musical called The Haunting of the Opera (sound familiar?), the leading lady (Minnie Driver, who might have had something to do with that thing that sounds familiar) is brutally slaughtered by a mystery man wearing her co-star’s mask. 

Ten years later, her twin children have grown into attractive cooks at Center Stage, a theater camp run by their mother’s boyfriend and former producer Roger (also, Meat Loaf). Camilla has grown into a beautiful and talented soprano who dreams of following in her late mother’s footsteps, while brother Buddy is still embittered by the entire musical community. 

As a last ditch effort to find some profit, Roger decides to revive The Haunting of the Opera as the summer’s big showcase. Surely nothing can go wrong with such a controversial decision, right?

Written and directed by newcomer Jerome Sable, Stage Fright is pretty much everything I could ask for in a movie, missing only a few evil children and plate of nachos. From the opening text informing us that the movie is sort of based on true events (just like Return of the Living Dead) to the followup that "the musical numbers will be performed exactly as they occurred," I squealed with glee.

(not THAT kind of glee)

This movie was made for me. 

Was it the fact that one song lyric involved a kid getting bullied for singing Sondheim? That the totem poles at this summer camp featured the drama/comedy masks? That one song had the faintest touch of a Jesus Christ Superstar salute? 

I don't know that Stage Fright will appeal to hardcore horror fans or those who prefer, well, another theater-set slasher called Stage Fright. But this film delighted me, and as much as I'd like to think Jerome Sable Inception'ed his way into my dreams to give me exactly what I want, I'll still say that I think this will please you too.

High Points

As someone who has worked backstage in a fair amount of college theater performances, believe me when I say that nothing is more annoying than hearing the actors practice their vocal warmups. Hence, the fact that Stage Fright uses that moment to give us such a juicy murder made me far more happier than it probably should have

The end credits song includes lyrics thanking the audience for staying so late. Then they break into a lecture about piracy. ALL IN ROCK OPERA FORMAT

Did I mention how happy this movie made me?

Low Points

I'm a stickler for detail, so it bothered me slightly that we were never informed who took over for a key actor in the big show. Understudies need to rehearse, you know

Lessons Learned

Altos just don’t understand

The first rule of theater camp: abandon all ye cell phones

You can't change the past, but you can make a musical

Rent/Bury/Buy

Look, I understand that a horror musical with original showtunes might not be for everybody, but good golly was this the film for me. I adored Stage Fright and would eagerly donate to kickstart a sequel. Give me more I say! 

A True HOOT-Done It!

When an '80s slasher opens on the kind of frenetic Broadway dance performance that makes Sylvester Stallone's sweat-drenched solo in Staying Alive look classy, something called love happens in my heart.

Welcome to Stage Fright.

Quick Plot: A snooty and intense theatre director is torturing his cast with one last rehearsal before opening night of their “intellectual musical.” What are they rehearsing? Why, only THE GREATEST STAGE PERFORMANCE OF ALL TIME.

There's a man with a giant owl headpiece. And he dances. A lot.

I think he dances about rape? Or prostitution? Or about being raped, because seriously: what prostitute is NOT going to want to rape the dancing man dressed like an owl?

It's more amazing than something as limiting as words can describe, so just go with it and I'll get to the murdering.

After the leading lady sprains her ankle, she and the wardrobe mistress head to the nearest mental asylum for a wrap-up. There they learn that the famed Irving Wallace, legendary actor turned serial killer, is admitted as a patient. Before you can say 'Macbeth' in a theater to piss off annoyingly superstitious actors, Wallace has tracked the ladies back to the now-locked-from-the-inside theatre to shed some blood, where the overzealous director is doing an 11th hour restaging to properly take advantage of his show's newfound infamy.

Cue figurative AND literal axings!

It’s not long before the bodies start piling up mid-rehearsal. Our murderer is refreshingly creative, utilizing everything from hunting knives to drill bits. If you, like me, have spent long nights dreaming of the day you’d see an owl man tear through snooty theater directors with a chainsaw, I don’t know that there could possibly be a better choice out there than Stage Fright.

Directed by Michael Soavi (The Church), Stage Fright is a fairly standard slasher enriched by a fair amount of fun theater tricks. A few hunt scenes offer some genuine tension, while the basic ‘there’s a killer dressed like a giant owl’ trick simply gets me every time. Soavi gets some good pokes in surprising places, like framing real blood oozing over a spilled jar of red stage paint or focusing the camera on our final girl as she watches her understudy get knifed an inch from her face. 

And when in doubt, there’s neon workout gear, dummy violence, and a MAN DRESSED LIKE AN OWL DOING BALLET.

I’m a fan.

High Notes

Though I sometimes have a problem with the electro-techno soundtrack style so popular in ‘80s Italian horror, it’s used quite well here and not JUST because one song bears a ridiculously strong resemblance to the music played when Sarah first enters the labyrinth in a little movie you might have seen called Labyrinth

Low Notes

Michael Soavi’s direction is about as good as it can possibly be. The problems with Stage Fright are found in the by-the-numbers script, one that produces virtually no surprises in plot development or character quirks

Lessons Learned

It’s surprisingly easy to knock someone’s head off with one axe swing

On the flip side, turning a key in a lock can be exceedingly difficult

Grizzled janitors like to bet their bottom dollars, just like Annie

The Winning Line

“Your character will no longer be an anoynmous owl”

Based on what I know about actors, this is pretty much a synonym for ‘living the dream’

Rent/Bury/Buy

Stage Fright is far from a masterpiece, but it’s a darn good time. Sure, it’s technically a typical ‘80s slasher, but the theater angle makes it infinitely more interesting than your regular hack ‘em up. The DVD from Blue Underground is fairly bare bones, but it still includes INTERPRETIVE DANCING BY A MAN DRESSED LIKE AN OWL. In other words, why WOULDN’T you seek out this film?