She Loves Jesus, And Her Boyfriend Too

 

There are some movies you watch and immediately know that in one year's time, you will be very hard-pressed to remember a single detail to describe it to a police officer. It's not a bad film or even a boring one. It just feels forgettable.

What were we talking about again?

Quick Plot: Sarah arrives at her parents' vow renewal to a grim discovery: her mother, clad in a wedding gown, stabbing her father before slitting her own throat. In a haze, Sarah finds herself in a bathtub with her wrists sliced up before one more wakeup to her adoring, controlling, clearly evil husband Nick.

The first problem is that Sarah has no memory of marrying this man, or, well, anything, save for the fact that she has a sister. According to Nick, said sister Julie is a monster who manipulated things to inherit most of the family, leaving Sarah only with the large house.

And a servant.

And a lot of very fancy dresses.

I don't know guys, I don't think this couple is poor.

Anyway, Nick is busy writing a book while Sarah floats through her estate, occasionally bristling against the housekeeper Rose and taking the mysterious pills Nick pushes. A dinner party with insufferable but well-dressed pals turns into something of a bacchanal before Sarah finally discovers the truth of her situation.

I won't spoil that here, as the reveal is kind of the only real point of interest The Free Fall has going. It certainly helps to add a clever reinterpretation of the film's events. It would have felt pretty fresh had I not recently caught another low budget little thriller on Tubi that did the same thing (again, so as not to spoil, I'll link to the title here if you're dreadfully curious).

Ultimately, I was left pretty underwhelmed. There's nothing specific that I can put my finger on as to what doesn't really work, but The Free Fall just feels a bit too small and sparse to ever find its high gear. 

High Points

For what I imagine was a very small budget, The Free Fall is a genuinely beautifully looking film. Considering the film's gothic horror mood, it's important, and goes a long way in bulking up the atmosphere

Low Points

When your film already has a big twist, tacking another one on at the end feels more annoying than neat

Lessons Learned

Nothing brings your hair to Pantene PRO-V level glory than being a kept woman

Don't you dare help a woman who doesn't need help

Never trust a maid who looks like Jane Badler. We all know what's under that pristine bone structure

Rent/Bury/Buy

I didn't find The Free Fall to have much to offer, but it looks pretty, and the twist might satisfy certain viewers. Find it on Hulu if you're in that kind of mood. 

Into the Culture Shock

Hulu's Into the Dark series has generally mixed reviews, so I'm now thinking I just have really good luck in randomly picking the good ones. 

Quick Plot: Marisol is making her second attempt to cross the Mexican border, seeking refuge in the United States. Her first try ended in tragedy and a brutal rape, leaving her heavily pregnant as she teams up yet again with a no-nonsense coyote. 

The less you know about Culture Shock going in the better, as it takes some sharp tonal turns in genuinely surprising ways. Director Gigi Saul Guerrero (who also did a lot of reworking of the original script by Efren Hernandez and James Benson) brings an incredibly fresh, immediate energy to the narrative, establishing a realistically bleak opening that makes the abrupt switch all the more effective. 

If you've seen Culture Shock or are that odd movie fan who likes to know too much, I'll go into a little more detail here.

As always, you've been warned.

After seemingly getting caught by violent cartel members, Marisol awakens in a bright, Stepford Wives existence where her healthy newborn is being cared by a way too smiley Barbara Crampton. The whole town of Cape Joy is cheerfully planning the big Independence Day celebration, but only Marisol seems to sense the extreme weirdness of waking up every day with perfect makeup and a non-wrinkled A-line dress.

The reveal of Cape Joy being nothing more than an elaborate (albeit surprisingly dirty) virtual simulation is sad and cruel, and fully loaded with important commentary. Like many a recent socially charged genre film, its story merits far more time than a brief 90 minute cutoff allows, which keeps this from quite reaching the echelon of greatness. Still, it shows a remarkably talented and unique voice in its director, and manages to be scary, funny, thoughtful, and surprising.

High Points

Guerrero's direction is wonderfully rich, but the movie would fall apart without Martha Higareda's steely performance as Marisol, who holds virtually every scene together

Low Points

The actual government conspiracy action-y climax didn't quite satisfy the incredible potential of the film's narrative, but an argument could easily be made that the villains were far from the main point of Culture Shock, so I'm not terribly bothered by the ending's slight disappointment (particularly when the final beat and Marisol's specific finale is so satisfying)

Lessons Learned

You can always judge a woman by the quality of her homemade soup

The best way to outsmart a cruel simulation is to not accept dessert

It seems I will never be about to outsmart a cruel simulation

Rent/Bury/Buy

Like the rest of the Into the Dark series, Culture Shock is a quick 90 minute stream on Hulu, and this one is absolutely worth your time. Go in blind and see what you find. 

I say chilly, you say FROZEN

There are a few things in life I've vowed to simply never do, both for personal morality and plain intelligence. They include, but are not limited to the following:

-Go to a tanning salon

-Eat dog (I had the opportunity; I passed)

-Attempt skiing

Believe it or not, despite my hobbit-esque physique, I'm actually somewhat athletic, especially if the sport is softball or badminton (I'm serious). That being said, I'm also, without question, the clumsiest woman born in the 1980s. I know, EVERYBODY says that, but anyone who has actually had the pleasure of walking down the street with me only to at some point wonder where I went (i.e., the ground) knows this is true. For further proof, I submit my following experience:


-In the fourth grade, I plummeted off the balance beam and encumbered a giant apple-sized bump on my forehead, much to the amusement by fellow classmates

-I tripped up the stairs on a school trip to the Constitutional Hall in Philadelphia, comforting my embarrassment with the thought that maybe the same thing happened to Thomas Jefferson

-I've slipped on a banana peel. It wasn't funny. Okay, it probably was for others but shut up.
 
 


-I once stepped on a pitchfork lurking in the grass and had it me in the hat (thank goodness for aforementioned softball tendencies)

For these reasons plus 28 years of more, I shall never ski.

But that really has very little to do with Adam Green's 2010 winter-set film, Frozen, now doesn't it? I just wanted to be honest about where I was coming from as a person.

Quick Plot: Three college kids head to the mountains for a day of skiing and snowboarding. Dan and Lynch have been pals since the first grade, but Dan's girlfriend Parker is new to the group and, as we learn to Lynch's distaste, skiing in general. After a day of montage-y fun on the bunny hills, the trio decides to take one last trek down the real mountains at night. 

Oh kids, haven't you read the synopsis of this film?

Due to a series of believable misunderstandings surrounding closing time, the ski lift stops right as our leads have reached the middle of the ride. Alone. And cold.

Oh, and it's Sunday night, meaning nobody is due back to the lodge for another five days. Suddenly midterms ain't looking too shabby, are they coeds?

I won't go into any more synopsizing of Frozen for fear of spoilers, although in truth, there aren't too many huge surprises. This isn't necessarily a criticism; if anything, Frozen unfolds in believable style, as our not-overly-bright but still likable heroes have to work with what anyone in that situation would: freezing cold, darkness, internal disputes, heights, and of course, lack of a cell phone (c'mon skeptical viewer: you know that any participation in a horror movie negates your power to ever make a call while in a dangerous situation). Much like The Ruins, Frozen is more about how these individuals handle an awful and deadly situation than what necessarily happens to them. Call it survivalist horror, if you will. It doesn't quite pack the joy of killer klowns or demonic possessions, but when done correctly, that's a-ok.

High Points

Hell yes you will earn points with this audience member by citing the Sarlacc Pit as the worst possible death ever

Credit certainly goes to Kevin Zegers, Emma Bell, and Shawn Ashmore for holding our attention and sympathies, something aided immensely by Green's funny and realistic dialogue

Low Points

As great as the idea behind Frozen is, there's something about it that never quite amplifies past a certain point. By the last act, we're more curious than concerned as to what the fate of the characters will be. I'm not sure if this is a matter of story, character, or, quite possibly, my own personal taste

Lessons Learned

Always give a friend a spare key, particularly if you have a dog

You can never wear too many layers

Though awful and impossible, mastering pull-ups in gym class is an incredibly useful life skill that should not be avoided in your elementary days

Rent/Bury/Buy

Frozen is a great idea for a horror film, and Adam Green (Hatchet) executes it with skill. Though the film never quite ascends past its setup to give us anything truly terrifying, it's an easy recommend and like most of Green's films, a loaded DVD to own. I had a tense and fun time watching it, but personally, I can't really see revisiting it with the same relish as something like Hatchet. It's a different type of film with a lower rewatchability factor (for me). But hey, it's still something good, original, and supportive of my stance on death sports as dumb, so high fives all around.

Don't Feed the Plants

Few things make me happier than discovering a 21st century horror film made well (okay, watching a 1980 cannibalistic martial arts extravaganza is more exciting, but still). The Ruins, a 2008 adaptation of Scott B Smith’s novel, is a wonderful surprise. Dubbed The Killer Plant Movie by the not-so-many that saw it, The Ruins can be classified on the upper tier of the sub-sub genre of postcard pretty tourist horror, sparked by the uneven Hostel and continued with the empty glossiness of films like Turistas.


Quick Plot: Four young Americans (initially appearing to be escapees from an American Eagle catalogue shoot) befriend a strapping German named Mathais (Joe Anderson, the hammer-wielding Max from Across the Universe) while vacationing in Mexico. After a rowdy and raunchy night of drinking, the quintet--accompanied by a token Greek whose very quietness spells expendability--decide to take an excursion to Mayan ruins where Mathias’ brother has been exploring on an archeological dig.

It’s not too long before Very Bad Things begin to happen, not the least of which includes being surrounded by gun-and-arrow-toting, Quechuan-speaking locals. A surprising and grisly first kill drives the cast up an Apocalypto-esque temple while the no nonsense Mayans build a shanty town to keep the young folks terrified and trapped.

As the poster art shows, there is indeed vicious vinery to be found upon that hill, including bratty little flowers that are all too happy to mock you when you’re down. What makes The Ruins such a powerful film, however, is that the greenery is only the starting seed of the terror. Sure, it sets up our young and beautiful cast for a few genuine supernatural (or maybe superorganic) scares, but the real horror comes from watching these friends and lovers caught in a hellish and inescapable situation. Yes, a literal thorn in your side sucks, but it’s the murderous locals, limited water supply, poor cell phone service, and growing suspicions amongst friends that truly rustle the sheltered lives of our vacationers.

High Points
Despite the overprettiness of the cast, the roles are not nearly as stereotypical as one would expect from this kind of a film; even though she’s blonde and briefly naked, Laura Ramsey’s Stacy is not a token slutty bombshell. Likewise, even though she’s brunette and fully clothed, Jena Malone’s Amy is far from the spunky and sweet heroine we’d expect her to be

It’s always refreshing to see sunny days filled with horrors


Low Points
Maybe it’s intentional, but the obnoxious Americanness of the beginning feels like well-worn territory

A few moments of plant attacks (particularly involving a lazily animated corpse) remind us why the special effects are not the highlights


Lessons Learned
Evil flowers are not your friends, but they can be powerful weapons*


Common sense dictates not to wear flip flops on a nature hike


Always include a med student when planning a couples’ getaway

When someone is holding a knife, it's not very wise to approach him/her from behind


Rent/Bury/Buy
The DVD is fairly extra heavy and includes a director commentary (often my make/break to purchase feature), so if you catch a well-priced copy, I say buy. The Ruins is definitely worth a watch. I don’t want to overpraise it by calling it a classic; it’s not. But for people that like to see modern horror made well, this is a refreshing example. Despite a seemingly standard setup, the story doesn’t go where you expect it to. And for those that imagine a killer plant movie sounds less appealing than a middle school production of Little Shop of Horrors, let me reassure you that even the most macabre of drama teachers wouldn’t come close to staging the amputation scene you get here.


*MILD SPOILER: While I think the characters generally made some fairly intelligent plans, they did completely miss the one opportunity they had for escape: throwing the plants at their Mayan captors. If nothing else, doing so may have created a chaotic firing party amongst the Mayans, thus giving the kids some time to make a break for the jeep. Perhaps I’m just a tad spoiled from having recently watched the wonderful Rutger Hauer-headed Flesh + Blood, where the catapulting of plague-ridden dog meat figures into a brilliant climax.