Bad Teacher, Worse Students

Based on fleeting memories of watching Class of 1984 at a far-too-young age, I had no actual anticipation of writing about it here.

A pile of punky corpses later--one of which belonged to my favorite teenage Antichrist of all time from a little Doll’s House classic known as Fear No Evil--and I realized I’d be missing out on one supreme slasher.

Quick Plot: Meet Mr. Norris, an optimistic high school band conductor making his debut at Lincoln High, the kind of institution where metal detectors are just a formality and the teachers are expected to maybe have a certificate and college education but to definitely have a black belt or revolver. 

On his very first day, Norris manages to make enemies of Peter Stegman, the baby-faced underachiever who spends schoolnights running prostitution and drug rings despite his natural intelligence and piano skills. 

Because Norris is kind of a dolt, the enemyship escalates with every passing weekday, leading to a few of the following:

Biology teacher pal Roddy McDowell’s class pets slaughtered

Norris’ car blown graffitied and, well, exploded

Teacher’s pet Michael Pre-J. Fox stabbed in the gut

Norris is falsely accused of beating a teenager up

Michael Pre-J. Fox’s pal climbs up a flagpole in a drugged out mania and falls to his pledge of allegiancing death

And his even dafter pregnant wife gets gang raped

These are terrible things to have happen to you, but am I a bad person for having to say the dude *kind of* asked for it? Questioning wimpy student Fox in front of the stab-happy gang? Hauling the drug dealers into the principal’s office without any real solid footing for how to punish them? Smashing the bully’s car? Abandoning his loyal band students at their biggest hour?

If I had one problem with Class of 1984, it’s that it was awfully hard to get behind the protagonist when he came off as the biggest idiot this side of the border. Or that side, since it’s fairly clear that Class of 1984 was proudly made on Canadian soil. It’s a minor issue...

In a pretty damn kickass film. Director Mark Lester (working form a script with his, Child’s Play's Tom Holland and actor John Saxon’s screenwriting credits on it) clearly went into filming with a deep passion for his story, as well as a solid and timely hold on the the-emerging punk culture. Everybody onscreen--from lead Perry King to all-star McDowell and all the young thespians reveling in their prime--brings a grand and all-out energy to their roles, making just about every major and minor character believable, interesting, and often both. The actual themes of bureaucratic hand tying and undisciplined youths are a tad heavyhanded but heartfelt enough to hold up strong. It’s a daring and creative film, even when crafting careful homages to A Clockwork Orange.

Oh, and the last 15 minutes are about as gory and violent as Fear No Evil, minus the bully boobs and dodgeball deaths. See Low Points.

High Points

As the baby-faced sociopath building a mob-like empire in high school, Timothy Van Patten’s Stegman is a truly unique and layered villain, part genius, part low-life, part mama’s boy and all fascinating charisma

Goodness can Roddy McDowell elevate material! His most infamous scene waving a gun in front of his laxer students’ faces is easily the heart and high note of Class of 1984, lending a deep, sad, and disturbing weight to what could have been a mere exploitation film

The film apparently won a British Oscar for its costume design, which might surprise you until you really look at some of the styling going on in Stegman’s gang

Low Points

It’s probably more a testament to the many other youth-gone-wild films that have made some common sense seem more possible, but it truly is occasionally straining to accept Norris’ naiveté, particularly on the third ‘why don’t you go stay with your mother?’ plea made to his even airheadier wife

No death by dodgeball or bully boobs.Though credit to this guy for trying:

Lessons Learned

It was incredibly easy to blow up automobiles in the 1980s

Shimmying up a flagpole is easier than you think, at least if you have a sniff of cocaine helping you out

The human heart has four chambers and if you don’t know that, Roddy McDowell will blow your face off

Child labor laws have evolved much over the last 20 years, particularly that whole amendment about not allowing 14 year olds to stab classmates  on orders from their place of employment

Rent/Bury/Buy

I was impressed at how much I enjoyed Class of 1984. It’s gritty and dark, but also incredibly watchable and occasionally quite humorous. Though it’s true that I’ll probably watch this far less than Mark Lester’s lighter, more ridiculous(ly amazing) semi-sequel Class of 1999, it’s still a high recommend for a rental or purchase, particularly since Anchor Bay’s release is loaded with extras. A making-of featurette includes interviews with cast and crew while the director and Anchor Bay producer commentary track is both informative and intersting, demonstrating most importantly that Class of 1984 was a film that everyone fully invested their energy into making. We don’t get enough of those.

They're All Gonna Laugh At You (Until You Kill Them)

There is a great horror film about a chubby teenage girl waiting to be made.

The Spell is not it.

This isn’t too much of a shame. A TV movie made in the shadow of Carrie, The Spell is a brisk and entertaining slice of late ‘70s mediocrity that offers a few giggles matched by surprises. It’s perfectly fine for a quick Instant Watch even if you might forget everything about it one day after viewing. It’s fine. It is fine.

One of my favorite memoirs is Judith Moore’s Fat Girl, a painfully honest documentation of a woman battle-scarred by a lifetime of obesity. It literally hurts to read, and yet I cannot recommend it highly enough.

Oh. But I’m supposed to be talking about The Spell, which doesn’t hurt to watch but also...well...doesn’t quite make good on its potential.

Quick Plot: Teenage Rita is mildly overweight and majorly pissed about it and everything else in life. At school, the big-haired slim-waisted gymnasts tease her mercilessly. I suppose that’s bound to happen to the size 10 teen when every other student is in pristine physical condition. 

During one fateful day in gym class, Rita’s most outspoken tormenter has a deadly (and hilarious) accident, plummeting from the ceiling after she attempts a Ringling Brothers’ circus move on the rope. Anyone who’s seen Carrie--which, let’s face it, is why you’re watching the film to begin with--knows that a touch of telekinesis is surely at play.

See, Rita is, to put it kindly, surly. Aside from her sympathetic mom (Lee Grant), her family is cruel and friends nonexistent. Dad likes to make cutting fat comments and little sis (a tiny Helen Hunt) is a bad-pizza-making brat. Luckily for Rita, *someone* in town has an afterschool club on using psychic energy and little by little, her strength rows to increasingly bizarre murders, the best of which is the slowest spontaneous combustion of all time. Really it’s more a slow roast, which sounds much more delicious than it probably is.

The Spell wears its, ahem, influences on its belled ‘70s sleeve. On one hand, it’s an enjoyable enough slice of moldy cheese that passes 77 minutes as well as anything. On the other, it’s a huge missed opportunity.

The Carrie of Stephen King’s novel is not a Sissy Spacek size 4. She’s plump and pimply, and in that is a multi-dimensional story waiting to be told. The Spell could have done so. 

High Points

Maybe my sick day 50% functioning brain wasn’t at its most nerdy, but I was genuinely surprised by a few of the film’s twists

Low Points

As my review mostly states, it just seems like there was a genuinely interesting story to be told about Rita’s unhappiness. I really would’ve appreciated a film that dared to tell it

Lessons Learned

In the 1970s, it was standard physical fitness to be able to climb a rope

If the Nightmare On Elm Street saga has taught us anything, it’s that being a member of the swim team is a surefire way to a wet wild death. Take heed The Spell, take heed

The best way to show your unhappy psychic teenage daughter that you love her is to send the kid four thousand miles away for the next year of her life

Rent/Bury/Buy

Instant Watch is where The Spell belongs. It’s a breezy under-80-minute film that doesn’t really merit any effort, but is entertaining enough in its ‘70sness. One could do a whole lot better but hey...there’s also always a whole lot worse.