Darby O'Gill Babysits The Children

It’s time for that monthly switcheroo with T.L. Bugg! I love these swaps for two reasons: 

1-It gives me a chance to read one of my very favorite blogger’s takes on movies I either love or just REALLY want other people to watch (giggle giggle Nutcracker In 3D)

2-It’s my monthly reminder to mail in my rent check. 

For this Very Special Shortening Swap, I assigned Zach 2008’s The Children, one of my favorite recent horror films from a certain subgenre I dig more than grilled cheese. He went in a very different, more child-friendly (and less child-killing) direction with 1959’s Darby O’Gill & the Little People.

not the right little people

Quick Plot: After an awesome credits sequence wherein Walt Disney writes a note thanking leprechauns, we meet the titular Darby, an eccentric Irish caretaker well known at his local tavern for telling tales involving little people. 

Nostalgia alert! Before the days of trivia night, there was the crazy old man obsessed with leprechauns to keep your beer tasting better.

One day, the owner of the estate Darby works on with his daughter Katie rides into town to force him into retirement. The time has come to replace the aging leprechaun lover with Michael McBride, a strapping young man from Dublin played with strange bland gentleness by Sean Connery. Darby isn't ready to tell Katie about the change and instead spends an evening hanging out with King Brian and a whole kingdom of very small, very energetic little people who live inside a magical mountain.

Let's get this out of the way: partying with leprechauns ROCKS. Literally and figuratively, since a) they dance like mad b) they're not shy about the beverages and c) little dudes really like rhyming games. If such a colony invited me to live out my last days on their wine and tunes, I wouldn't have to eat a bowl of Lucky Charms before signing the lease.

But Darby, bless his drunken heart, is a tad reluctant when King David tells him to stay forever, using his wiles to instead trick his old pal and return home to big people alcohol. The King follows him for AN ENTIRE NIGHT OF DRINKING, rendering him useless as a magician come the morning sun. 

As I try to work through the plot threads of Darby O'Gill & the Little People, I'm struck by how much goes on. Perhaps I've had a few too many Guinnesses myself because I'm several paragraphs into a synopsis and haven't even detailed Katie's inevitable relationship with James Bond, the token bad guy angling for Darby's job, the tavern filled with villagers thirsty for more leprechaun tales, King David's mildly sinister plan to further eff with Darby and his wishes, and the death-bringing banshee who figures prominently in the final act.

Got all that? No? Here, have some more stout.

Or whiskey.

Or wine.

Or Jim Bean, J&B, Zima, Tequiza, or whatever poison you prefer. Because I say this in true: Darby O'Gill is the most joyfully alcoholic kids film I've ever seen. I wouldn't be surprised if an entire generation of Baby Boomers can look back to that sunny afternoon at the cinema as the turning point in their lives and livers. 

It's absolutely amazing.

Also, a super fun and charming fantasy! I'm a huge fan of children's entertainment that appeals--without pandering to--adult sensibilities (thus explaining my unadulterated adoration of all things Muppet), and Darby O'Gill is one of those remnants from a time past. Though the heavy Irish accents may confuse a few kids (self included), the film is colorful and cute enough to entertain the little ones while offering plenty of smart dialogue and likable relationships for their parents. It's almost the perfect family film, so long as your family isn't Mormon or dealing with alcoholism. 

And by the way, if I found a leprechaun right now, I'd use my first wish to get "It's almost the perfect film, so long as your family isn't Mormon or dealing with alcoholism" as a DVD box cover quote. A girl can dream...

High Points

I'm all for equal opportunity acting jobs for little people (Tiptoes, how you disgust/fascinate/thrill me) but as more recently seen in Elf, the forced perspective style to make the leprechauns, well, leprechaunish is genuinely charming

Apparently the film’s big singing number, “My Darling Irish Girl” was quite a hit, and not just because it maybe included the vocals of a future Highlander. As with most of the instrumental jigs, it’s a pretty darn catchy tune

Low Points

I know, I know: it was a different era in the world, but that doesn't make the threat “I'll throw you in a river and drown you like a kitten" any less disturbing

Lessons Learned

When you sup with the devil, you need a long spoon

Leprechauns have plenty of stamina, but drinking games are still an effective means of manipulating their gifts for your cause

Alcohol is great no matter how tall or short you are

The Winning Line

“Your heart’s as cold as a wet Christmas!”

Is it Albert Sharpe's delivery that makes this sound like the world's most felt insult? The unified gasp from the leprechauns when they hear it? Or really, is this just the greatest thing to ever say to anyone ever?

Rent/Bury/Buy

Darby O'Gill & the Little People is the kind of sunny and strange film I wish I knew of as a kid. It has catchy musical numbers, copious amounts of alcohol, James Bond, and leprechauns. Drunk leprechauns. Drunk leprechauns that don't want to kill you, they just want to dance! And drink. Did I mention drink? The DVD includes a few cute extras worth a gander though sadly, no alcohol. That's kind of shocking since just about every slide in the reel is soaked in stout. Did I mention there's some drinking in this movie? Sorry, I tend to repeat myself when I've had a few Guinnesses (Guinni?). What was I saying?

Right. Okay, so get wasted with Darby, then sober up with T.L. Bugg's review of a truly terrifying horror film. 

Then wash away the fear with more drinking. If you’re lucky, the leprechauns will bring the booze.

Mickey Rooney Sends Your Kids To Cambodia

Friends. Aren't they the best?

Especially when they come is such fantastical packages as Christine Makepeace, the cofounder and keeper of Paracinema Magazine. I know I've praised this publication before and will do so until I get dragged away to a resting home, but if you're new here, trust me when I say there is no cinema magazine out there quite as passionate, unique, and intelligent as this little shiner here. 

But I digress. The reason I adore Ms. Makepeace today has nothing to do with her body of work and everything to do with the fact that for my karaoke spectacular birthday extravaganza, she not only rapped, but also gave me the Blu Ray for what might be my new co-favorite February film of all time (if Devil Times Five is willing to share, and I worry it's not). 

Treasure Train or The Odyssey of the Pacific or The Emperor of Peru or The Craziest Kid's Film Ever is, to be frank, a feat of creativity, bravery, drugs, irresponsibility, imagination, insanity, and a whole lot of Mickey Rooney encouraging children to labor in abandoned mines and run away to Cambodia. Now while Rooney plays the innocently wacky old hermit in the film, his actions are actually fairly harmful to the well-being of the three rugrats he befriends. Hence, he's kind of---what's this!--a Vertically Challenged Villain.

I mean, not one who kidnaps women and blushes his cheeks a la The Manipulator, but still...

Quick Plot: Toby and Liz are a charming(?) pair of siblings living in Victorian Canada with their wealthy aunt and uncle who respectively spend the day playing with toy trains or drinking martinis. One day, they bring home Hoang, a Cambodian refugee orphan (you know...like on television?) who will be summering with them until his adoption. Hoang would rather be planning his marriage to his far away (probably dead) mother.

No, you didn't misread that. When asked who he would like to marry, the 9 or so year old Hoang answers, without missing a beat, "My mom." He justifies it easily enough: “She is really pretty. Her mouth is soft and so red you know.” In a flashback, we hear him telling her how he dreams of crawling back inside her tummy so she could “pretend I’m your pet dog or cat.” I know you'd like to think I'm joking but come on guys, I'm not that funny. The movie ends (spoiler, not really) which Hoang heading back to Cambodia (by train) to find her. And marry her. And make me all sorts of uncomfortable.

But wait, you don't even know if Hoang befriended his foster siblings! Well he does, mostly because while their adult guardians feast on delectable meat and expressive red wine, the kids are skirted off to a table filled with bowls of dry white rice. Because dry white rice is generally not an exciting lunch, the three proceed to have a violent but giggle-filled rice fight, charming their wealthy drunk overlords.

Now that they've bonded, Liz, Toby and Hoang embark on daily adventures into the woods. This gives Toby plenty of time to fantasize about all the famous jobs he will eventually have, from being a race car champion to world famous surgeon. In all these pretty amazing dream sequences, Toby completes amazing feats such as saving Miss Superwoman (lamer than she sounds) while riding a futuristic hot cycle, an adventure that should make him more famous than Bert & Ernie, Joan of Arc, Tarzan, Caesar, Mickey Mouse, and Popeye (the comparisons are really important to Toby). 

Every time, director Fernando Arrabal cuts to stock stadium footage of roaring crowds. The really fantastic thing about these roaring crowds--aside from the fact that it might be the same stock footage often used in The Muppet Babies--is that if you look closely, you'll notice a good 33.333 repeating decimal point % of the extras are either not cheering, looking elsewhere, or clumsily trying to climb out of bleachers to presumably take a bathroom break.

Wait! I know I said that was the fantastic part, but I forgot something! Frederico!

Frederico is Toby's pet duck. Toby walks Frederico (who is his pet duck) on a leash and incorporates him in all his fantasies, which means we get to see a duck on a sports car sidecar. It's sort of like Ziggy on the second season of The Wire, but with less union corruption.

As great as Frederico is, he's not really the star of Treasure Train. That above-the-credits honor goes to Mickey Rooney, that 5'1 bundle of positive energy who can never be accused of not going for it. Rooney plays the (depending on your edition) titular Emperor of Peru, a retired train conductor (I think) now paralyzed below the legs (although those thighs do move when dancing) and living alone in the backwoods near an abandoned (and titular, depending on your edition) locomotive. The Emperor is about as crazy as The Manipulator, but with less kidnapping. He teaches the kids how trains work, mugs for the camera, and resists the local authorities attempts to move him to an old age home. Instead, The Emperor and his new subjects (aka children) move deeper into the woods where they meet three wandering clowns. 

No, seriously.

The clowns don't do much for the story, although they do serve an important expository role of telling young Toby where to find coal for the train. Where does one find coal for a train? Why, an abandoned mine of course!

There are two things we need to address here:

1. The idea that screenwriters Arrabel and Roger Lemelin needed to find an economical solution to the kids finding the mine. So they decided to have another character tell them about it. But then found a storage chest filled with soiled clown clothes and figured, hey, why not have it be a trio of hobo clowns? So it is.

2. There's a line in the astoundingly awful Nutcracker: The Untold Story where a young girl confidently tells the animated doll that she cannot fly. To which the nutcracker replies "How can you know if you've never tried?" As my responsible boyfriend so often points out, THIS IS A TERRIBLE THING TO SAY IN A CHILDREN'S MOVIE. Because no children not related to the director actually saw The Nutcracker: The Untold Story, we never had to read about lawsuits involving young fans leaping out windows in the hopes of landing with the Sugar Plum Fairies. 

Now Treasure Train--which is certainly worthy of being watched by elementary schoolers--doesn't commit quite a verbal crime, but having Mickey Rooney encourage 7-10-year-olds to crawl into an ABANDONED MINE in order to carry up coal is, I imagine, not the kind of example one would set for young ones.

There’s also a conversation between The Emperor and young Liz that goes as such:

Liz: I don’t smoke. It gives you cancer.

Emperor: That’s not true!

Bad enough, right? But it gets worse. The Emperor then convinces the children that it’s not smoking, but washing with soap and water that causes cancer. 

Seriously.

But not to be too hard on Treasure Train, because it does make a valiant effort to detail the atrocities experienced by Cambodia in the early twentieth century. The fairly well-adjusted Hoang experiences the occasional flashback to his homeland, like when playing with the Tarot card for The Hanged Man, he recalls pirates jumping on his refugee ship, grabbing a fellow child by the feet, and dangling him in front of the other kids with the threat of “Give me your gold or I’ll kill him!” Better is my favorite understatement of all time, as Hoang asks his fiancee/mother about his father and she answers as such:

“He’s in a concentration camp. He’ll be fiiiiiiiiiiiine.”

There’s also the weird sexually charged speech The Emperor makes about trains. “You’ll get all of your smoke all over my instruments. And you’d put soot all over me.” Okay, in writing that out, I realize it doesn’t SOUND sexual, but when coupled with the come hither look in Mickey ROoney’s sparkling eyes...I’m just saying, I felt uncomfortable.

I cannot bother breaking this movie into high and low points, because from beginning to end, it is simply an assortment of weird and weirder (all of which I find wonderful but you know, that’s me). This is a movie that has Mickey Rooney lording over a court of little people and llamas. There’s almost nothing left to say after that.

About That Ending...

Spoilers, obviously, but WHAT JUST HAPPENED? So the kids get the train to run--and no, it's not a fantasy as I assumed it would be--and they RIDE AWAY. The Emperor decides to stay behind--we have no real idea why, but I suspect because he actually dies in the last shot. 

Lessons Learned

In a multiple child house, it’s grades in piano lessons that determine who gets what bedroom

Never treat a model train the same way you would a flute

Just to reiterate, smoking does not give you cancer and it’s okay to gather coal from a long abandoned mine

Rent/Bury/Buy

Now restored by Odyssey Moving Images, Treasure Train--and yes, I've had to constantly edit myself to not write Terror Train--is a must-see for those who dig weird and obscure children's films. It was clearly modeled along the lines of Pippie Longstocking, but watching it today makes it feel almost akin to the infamous Mexican film Santa Claus, where Santa keeps children slaves who watch the world’s population via a 1984-esque computer spy network and Satan tries to lure poor kids into petty theft. This one will instead lure them down dangerous mines and lung cancer wards, but it’s done with a smile and really, isn’t that the best way to go?

Horrible Non-Horror! The Cincinnati Christmas Edition

Drew Barrymore. Eileen Brennan. Jill Schoelen. Richard Mulligan. Pat Morita. Some guy named Googy Gress. 

GOOGY!

Could this be the greatest cast ever assembled for a Christmas movie?

Quick Plot: Young Lisa (off the wagon Barrymore) has no time for sleds and Barbie. See, she’s from Cincinnati (where, according to song, the girls are pretty, boys are feisty, and the town is natty...which sounds racist, though the town is completely white and therefore may indeed be really racist). Also in Cincy is Lisa’s flaky mom (Mrs. Peacock), minimum wage slave big sis, sis’s boyfriend Ted Theodore Logan, his chubby friend George (some guy named GOOGY!) and their smarmy boss, played in his glorious sleep by the phenomenal Richard Mulligan.

On Christmas Eve, a storm of Every Christmas Movie You’ve Ever Seen proportions strikes, causing a mini-car accident that sends Lisa into the magical world of Toyland. There she meets alternate versions of her Cincy pals, now rough derivatives of nursery rhyme characters. Evil boss (now named Barnaby) is attempting to marry Lisa’s not-sister (now Mary), much to the chagrin of her true love Jack (still pretty much Ted Theodore Logan). 

It’s vital that Jack be named Jack, primarily so that we get the line “Jack be nimble. Jack be dead!” at a key moment towards the end of the film.

Naturally, the only person who can help the young lovers is Pat Morita, aka The Toymaker (not to be confused with the homicidal craftsman of the same name in Silent Night Deadly Night 5). With magic toy soldiers, bottled up evil, and an incredibly terrible song that doesn’t even attempt to rhyme its lyrics, the little man spreads his glee throughout Toyland and inside the hardened heart of young Lisa.

Babes In Toyland is a bizarre and fairly hilarious television movie from the golden age of television movies that was the 1980s. Decorated with deflating balloons and mascots that look like their fur has been fading in a Hollywood warehouse since the ‘50s, the film feels more like an elementary school play than big budget special. I almost wonder if the actors thought they were simply rehearsing and didn’t know until later that there was film in the cameras.

That’s a wonderful thing.

You know what else is wonderful? The fact that Babes In Toyland is a musical. Kind of.

Listeners of GleeKast (that’s you, right?) know of my dislike for the modern crutch that is AutoTune, but Babes In Toyland certainly makes a case for it. Non-singing actors like Morita and Mulligan get through their brief musical interludes mostly by just shouting the lyrics. Hey, even the greats have to compensate somehow.

Lessons Learned

In Toyland, only the bride dresses up for a wedding. Guests are encouraged to wear the same clothing they’ve been in for the past week

Wooden soldiers aren’t much in demand anymore, and that’s appalling

The best way to fight evil is to be from Cincinnati. And to sing about it

Rent/Bury/Buy

Instant Watch was invented for one reason, and one reason alone: movies like these. Babes In Toyland is a cheap, awkward and not at all good holiday movie that drags in places and makes you laugh your ears off in others. In other words, it’s a tasty Christmas cookie that you owe it to yourself to enjoy.