Support the Girls

You might think that there's no reason in the world why I haven't already seen 1989's Killer Workout. An '80s slasher that opens with a tanning bath death? Brought to you by the team behind Deadly Prey?! A movie whose alternate title is Aeorbi-Cide?!!

And yet, here we are, 31 years after this film's release and I'm only catching it now via Amazon Prime. The reason? For 31 years, I thought Killer Workout and Death Spa were one movie.

Look, it's been a rough 2020, but let us celebrate the fact that even amidst modern hell, we can find such gifts.

Quick Plot: Up and coming supermodel Valerie comes home to the best news a gal can hear: she's booked the cover of a major fashion magazine. Her agent advises her to get a quick tan before her morning flight to Paris, and in true Final Destination 3 form, things get very, very hot. 

Some time later, the action moves to a hip gym run by the hard-working Rhonda (Marcia Karr from Savage Streets). After a busy day of aerobics, a female member is stabbed to death on site in the shower. The grumpy detective barely has enough time to investigate before his number one suspect becomes victim number two. 

This pattern continues.

Within a week, a dozen gym members have been found brutally murdered. It's a testament to Rhonda's workout plan that her classes still seem fairly full. Take THAT, Jillian Michaels. 

Killer Workout is written and directed by David A. Prior, whose Deadly Prey involved a scene where a man tore another's arm off and proceeded to BEAT HIM TO DEATH WITH IT. We don't quite reach those heights here, but that doesn't mean we don't have a good time.

There are wackily filmed point of view elaborate murders, ridiculous plot twists, super earnest hand to hand combat scenes, and endless shots of poorly supported large breasts bouncing along to enthusiastic calisthenics. Were you really looking for anything else?

High Points

The sheer absurdity and messy execution of the ending reveal is so gloriously ridiculous that it's somehow perfection

Low Points

I mean, this is not a good movie by any conventional metrics. So, you know, that

Lessons Learned

When all of your male characters are pigs, your only option for working in a sex scene is an elaborate dream sequence

If you want a feel, head to Hollywood Boulevard

Maintaining a perfectly fit body is a lot of work, but if the reward is that you get to rock a gold lamé harem jumpsuit, sign me up

Rent/Bury/Buy

Killer Workout is probably the second best gym-set slasher that includes a tanning bed death to come out in the late '80s, but that doesn't mean it's not a damn good time. Your life will be no more important, but far richer for the experience. Have yourself an Amazon Prime time, and don't forget to stretch.

Dyin' to the Oldies

A supernatural slasher is still a slasher, but when you make it in 1989 and set it in the most 1989 gym that has ever 1989'd, you've got something very, very special. 

Quick Plot: After practicing her dance routine in an empty workout studio, a young woman named Laura is nearly steam roomed to death (or nearly dissolved to death like an alka setlzer, in the words of the very professional LAPD). Odd accidents continue to follow for a full week, ranging from the mild (a hot shower that doesn't relent) to fatal (a muscle man being weight lifted to death by a malfunctioning machine). 

Something is clearly amiss at Starbody Health Spa, a trendy gym whose main selling point is how it integrates technology into the equipment. Lording over the control room is the creepy David, a tech wiz who just so happens to be twin brother of the late Catherine, wife of Starbody owner Michael.

So what became of Catherine, you ask? After pregnancy complications, Catherine lost her baby and became paralyzed from the waist down. With her husband surrounded by a gaggle of young aerobicizers, she went mad, wheeling herself outside and committing suicide via fire. Michael recovered from his loss, moving on to Laura...much to the chagrin of the increasingly hostile David.

Now several unexplained deaths into a regular week at Sarbody, is David using his programming skills to destroy Michael's spa? Is it Michael's lawyer and shady co-owner? Friendly manager Ken Foree? Friendly manager Ken Foree's amazing rainbow blazer?

More likely, it's the spirit of Catherine possessing David, urging him to slaughter gym members in increasingly creative ways. How creative, you ask? Aside from aforementioned benchpress-to-death and steam-room-to-death, there's the inevitable tanning bad meltdown, mirror explosion, power smoothie blender malfunction, and my personal favorite, food-obsessed-chubby-detective-being-locked-in-walk-in-refrigerator-fooded to death. 

Death Spa is basically Carrie if Carrie was a gym member and William Katt wore neon. It's everything you ask for from a horror movie made in the late '80s, but somehow with even more hairspray and joy. It is a beautiful thing.

High Points

You'd be hard-pressed to find a better source for fashion tips than EVERYTHING WORN BY EVERYONE IN THIS MOVIE

Low Points

My own personal gym phobia is the nightmare of being stuck on a treadmill that won't stop moving, so I was mildly disappointed not to see someone be jogged to death

Lessons Learned

Never lift without a spotter

Hacking means experimenting with computer programs

When leaving the house to confront your backstabbing partner and lawyer, make a statement by wearing your Macguyver jacket without a shirt

Rent/Bury/Buy

Death Spa is a terribly wonderful movie. It's more '80s than your acid washed brain can fathom, and more ridiculous than you can dream a little dream. Crack open a can of TAB, line up your cocaine, and queue it up on Amazon Prime for one fun night.