Bless This Mess

When a film made in the last twenty years achieves that rare feat of earning a 0% 'fresh' rating on Rotten Tomatoes only to turn up in the Horror section of Netflix Instant, there's simply no way said film will not get its day to shine here at the Doll's House.

Quick Plot: Kim Basinger plays Maggie O'Connor, a NYC nurse and lapsed Catholic whose life (but not hair) takes a dramatic turn when her junkie sister Jenna (May's always welcome Angela Bettis!) dumps her newborn daughter in her care. 

Merry Christmas!

Six years later, young Cody has grown into a pleasant but possibly autistic little girl enrolled in a Catholic school. Meanwhile, FBI agent Jimmy Smits is hunting a serial killer taking out fellow six-year-olds while a former child actor/drug addict named Eric Stark (the always bug-eyed Rufus Sewell) has made headlines with his Scientology-ish anti-religion religion founded on self-help, clean living, and of course, satanism.

There are a lot more details that eventually connect Maggie to devil worship (among them: Christina Ricci as a heroin addict, Ian Holm in a wacky one-scene cameo as a strangely accented priest, and many, many, many terribly rendered CGI mice). There would have to be for a fairly bland 110 minute horror film. Made during the end of the 20th century's brief flirtation with apocalyptic Y2K end of days, Bless the Child is fun to imagine as the Catholic Church's most expensive commercial.

It's also fun when Christina Ricci's head rolls off.

And when a stern nanny stabs a priest's assistant in the eyeballs with her knitting needles.

And when I realized that child actor Holliston Coleman (easily the best thing in the movie, aside from the stern nanny and Christina Ricci's loose noggin) looked familiar not JUST because she once guest starred on Law & Order: SVU, but far more so because she had a small part in that Tori Spelling A Christmas Carol movie (aka A Carol Christmas, because it's a play on words) I reviewed way back when.

Anyway, director Chuck Russell is a far more talented filmmaker than Bless the Child would suggest. This is the man who gave us Nightmare On Elm Street 3, The Mask, and my favorite of all, 1988's The Blob. How he ended up here is something I don't want to think about. The script (based on a popular novel and adapted by at least three screenwriters) is both too complicated and too sparse. We're never actually told WHY or even HOW li'l Cody is the chosen one, or what being the chosen one means other than "Rufus Sewell wants you to embrace Satan with his goth minions and flying monkeys or else die." There's a lot of buildup about how the deadline for whatever black mass in question is counting down on Easter, but, well, WE DON'T ACTUALLY KNOW WHAT HAPPENS WHEN THAT DEADLINE IS REACHED.

You see my point.

Bless the Child is only a good movie if you've a) never seen a movie or b) believe Catholicism to be the most kickass thing in the world. For all others, it's probably a big skip.

Although it does include a brief glimpse at an adorable puppy.

The adorable puppy is used to lure an innocent child to his death.

But you know, PUPPY! 

High Points

The tone is all over the map, and I honestly don't know how much of the cute head rollings and demons were supposed to be scary vs. campy, but the fact that these scenes made me laugh means I was certainly entertained

Low Points

I'd like to forgive this film's embarrassing CGI for being a victim of its time, but then I remember how great Starship Troopers's completely computerized bug attacks were three years earlier and not only have I lost all the pity I had for the visual effects department, but I've also inserted the Starship Troopers Blu Ray into my player and what were talking about again?

Lessons Learned

Winning an Oscar gives a woman many special powers, but none quite as useful as evenly curling your hair with 0% frizz after your perfectly straight mane runs through mild rain

Angels do indeed exist, and they are the jerks who hold the subway doors open and make the rest of us straphangers late

All kids understand death because of The Lion King

Chekhov's Law of Knitting Needles holds strong: if they get their own closeup, they will most certainly be shown a scene or two later as a multi-purpose murder weapon

Look! It's--

Spartacus's wonderful Oenomaus himself (Peter Mensah) as an angelic janitor. Yes, in addition to angelic children, construction workers, bus riders, and subway door holders, Bless the Child has angelic janitors.

Rent/Bury/Buy

Bless the Child is not by ANY means good (remember: 0%) but we've seen far worse. As a relic from the year 2000, there's something kind of entertaining in seeing the mix of Y2K-influenced fears, early CGI, and movie star mode Kim Basinger fighting a predictable battle against a poorly rendered Satan. I don't really recommend anyone give it a chance when there are plenty of far stronger independent devil-centric films out there, but those with Netflix Instant and a thing for '90s theatrical horror might find themselves chuckling.

Still Easier Than Being Married to Alec Baldwin

Note: On Wednesday morning, I awoke to discover this wonderful fact called 'my blog had disappeared.' Some of you may have noticed clicking on my link would send you to an empty page. Thankfully, this issue has been resolved (I'm still not actually sure how, but we'll call it a Kwanza miracle) and I have a lot of thoughts about it to share later in the week. Before that, let me urge every blogger reading this to back up your work. You never know when something like this can happen, and we all work far too hard to simply lose all our posts. 


And now onto the main attraction!

Winter may be here, but that doesn’t mean the bug(gs) aren’t still watching movies! This month, my pal Zach (he of the one and only Lightning Bugg’s Lair) and I did a conveniently Watch Instant swap. Over at the Lair, Sir T.L. Bugg will be reviewing my pick, the gloriously pun-filled, Passions connected late ‘90s go-kart classic, Rumplestiltskin. Head his way for what I can’t not possibly believe will be a 5 bug review.

In return, Zach pointed me towards some classier holiday fare: 2007’s While She Was Out, a MILF revenge flick starring (and executive produced by) Oscar winner Kim Basinger.

Quick Plot: Della is an upper middle class suburban housewife, miserably married to an abusive (and oddly puffy) Craig Sheffer. Her only happiness seems to come from mothering her perfectly blond twins. On Christmas Eve, Della heads to the mall for wrapping paper (I guess wealthier neighborhoods don’t have Rite Aides?) and has the nerve to write a mildly scolding note to a rude empty car that took up two spaces in the packed parking lot.

Big mistake. After shopping, Della returns to her spot and is ambushed by a punky quartet led by the smarmy Chucky (Lucas Haas, all grown up from The Lady In White). It’s not quite clear whether they’re on drugs or just assholes, but they prove their badassary immediately by executing the rent-a-cop with a double head shot.

A chase follows, ending in the woods of a developing real estate complex. Della is armed only with her truck’s handy toolbox, while the gang pursues with a loaded gun.

That’s pretty much the basics of While She Was Out. The film is sold as a woman-gets-vengeance tale, but it’s really more about the actual pursuit as Della--a timid woman who gets spooked even by the gentlest salespeople--rotates between her survivalist instincts  and human guilt. Save for the film’s final beat, she never takes any pleasure in defending herself against her would-be assassins. She just wants to live to see her kids open their Nintendo Wii.

While She Was Out is dependent on two things: Basinger’s performance and the tension of the chases. While I’ve never been a huge fan of the former Mrs. Baldwin, she is quite wonderful as Della, selling the bored WASP act like the A-list star she sometimes is. While She Was Out was probably conceived as a character piece, something evident in early scenes meant to establish Della’s fragile state. As we watch her timidly ask a friend for a drink date or get scared off a biscotti when the Starbucks barista asks her to choose a flavor, the audience gets a very clear picture of what kind of person our soon-to-be protagonist is.

The other key to While She Was Out is first-time director Susan Montford’s ability to stage a good chase. It’s hit or miss. Though setting the majority of the action in development property provides plenty of neat visual twists, the repetition of watching Della hide behind trees or freeze in flashlight beams does grow tired. At a certain point, savvy viewers can make a pretty clear guess as to where our story ends up. I wish Montford gave us a few different types of teases.

High Points

After clowns, dolls, Carol of the Bells, clown-dolls and caterpillars, next on my list of Random Things That Freak Me Out are kids’ crayon drawings and high-voiced children singing choir music. The fact that While She Was Out’s opening credits featured both set a pretty wonderful (for me) tone for the film. 

Low Points

Though Haas has fun channeling his inner thug, there’s something just lacking in his gang. Maybe it’s their overly obvious “It’s a Small World” multi-ethnicity or general ineptness of their housewife catching, but the villains felt more like they needed detention in High School High than maximum security prison

Lessons Learned

Loyal Pilates practice will prepare you for all sorts of life survival

To keep your husband happy, comb your hair and clean up after your kids. Really woman, do you HAVE a vagina?

When in doubt, duck

Rent/Bury/Buy

Part of why I love these Bugg-sponsored swaps is because I thus far have gotten the chance to watch films I probably never ever never would have otherwise thought to queue. While She Was Out isn’t a new classic, but I enjoyed it far more than I ever would have expected. It’s a brisk and well-made little thriller that gives us an unusual and quite sympathetic heroine, someone we genuinely root for for the right reasons. It’s seasonal AND on Instant Watch, so if you’re looking for a tight and entertaining 86 minutes, I say go for it...you ungrateful little pig.