Enter the Xmas, Export Style

I didn't think it possible, but I would appear to have hit the end of Christmas horror. Now I REALLY hope the world doesn't end in 2012 because I need that time for filmmakers to get busy with Santa sadists and carnivorous reindeer. Unless the world ends before the holiday season and then I'm okay. 

I need some time to think about this.

Quick Plot: A young boy named Pietari lives with his widowed reindeer herding father Rauno near big and ominious Korvatunturi Mountain, the secret burial place of the child-killing Santa and his army of scrawny (and naked) old elves. After the season’s pack of would-be reindeer meat is found slaughtered, Rauno and his partners embark on a mission to recover their salaries through alternate methods...caging up a mysterious old man who himself has been stuffing kids in potato sacks and offering him back for a Santa-worthy ransom.

If you’re like me, then you probably expect a good ol’ fashioned killer Claus flick coming atcha with subtitles and Santa blood. I’d been hearing about Rare Exports for over a year and assumed a film making these kinds of overseas waves was gaining popularity because it was this generation’s Silent Night Deadly Night.

Or Part 2

It’s not, but I’m happier than Rudolph at a rave to say it’s something equally special. Much like the 6 Films To Keep You Awake’s The Christmas Tale, Rare Exports combines a neat balance of whimsy and terror to tell a completely new story of its own. Watching 198 pointily bearded senior citizens chase a pile of children through Finnish snow is genuinely scary, while tender moments between the imaginative Pietari and his stern father give us the groundwork we need in a holiday movie. 

Now as I write these compliments on Rare Exports, I may mislead you into thinking it’s a marvel that earns the same amount of love from me as Silent Night Deadly Night 2. It doesn’t quite, mostly because it’s a slow-moving tale (closer, if you will, to Silent Night Deadly Night 3) that takes a tad too much time in its first act to take us anywhere. While it seems to model itself on John Carpenter’s The Thing (complete with no female presences in the film, something that actually works quite well) Rare Exports just dilly dallies to the point of audience/my boredom. 

Perhaps my expectations were just misplaced--after a featured article in Fangoria, I assumed I'd be seeing a red and green bloodbath--and thus confused my mood to the point of not knowing which direction the sleigh was headed. I wouldn’t be surprised if Rare Exports works better upon second viewing for that reason alone.

High Points

As Pietari, young Onni Tommila has a wonderfully natural charisma that keeps you on his side. It helps that Jorma Tommila,  playing his (real life?) dad has an effectively gruff but deeply loving hold on his character, creating a believably fractured family unit with ease

Low Points

Did I mention the pacing?

Lessons Learned

Helicopter rides are best enjoyed while dangling

You're never too old to play with dolls, at least not in Lapland

Hair dryers are cutting edge technology in Russia*
 

Rent/Bury/Buy

In the year of Super 8 and Attack the Block, Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale joins the category of kid-centric adult films made for genre fans. In my opinion, Super 8 failed because it couldn’t commit to telling the story entirely from the children’s points of view, while Attack the Block soared because of its small-scope approach. Rare Exports finds the right balance in approaching a ridiculous and big story--the TRUTH about Santa Claus--by creating a solid family unit and a small but well-defined cast of supporting characters. We know and care about everyone onscreen, and that in itself makes Rare Exports something worth watching. The film is far slower than I wanted it to be, but it has a pretty neat plot that eventually reveals itself in a funny, scary, and genuinely unique way. It might not have everything you want from Christmas horror, but it’s a different kind of holiday treat that might age nicely upon future winter seasons.

*As someone who lived in Russia and owned a hair dryer, I don't think this is actually true

Location Location Location

As some of you know and others don't care about, I spent the last year or so contributing to Pop Syndicate, a recently renovated website that lost all its past content (and writers). The following article appeared in 2009 and since you can't find it anywhere else in InterWorld, I'm rerunning it here. Apologies for the deja vu.


Some time back, I mentioned a movie that deserves no real further discussion: Moscow Zero, the Val Kilmer-headlined Russian thriller with little thrills and even less Kilmer. What bothered me was not so much that the film was dull (because anything that helps me sleep is welcome in my life) but that it wasted one of the greatest potential settings of any horror. The Moscow Metro system is deeper than hell and probably crawling with more agents of evil than Walmart in December. 

Naturally, this got me thinking of other places that naturally frighten visitors and the films that utilized set location for maximum thrills. Enter at your own risk:

Closed carnivals

Is there anything sadder than a man-made playground abandoned by man?  Squeaky rides and stale popcorn just aren’t the same without screaming kids that beg for seconds and then throw up the remains on wooden roller coaster...especially when the amusement park is littered with ghostly apparitions that really like to waltz. Hence, the classic 1962 Carnival of Souls, a beautifully surreal ghost story inspired by a lonely Salt Lake City locale and filmed to translate its spooky atmosphere onto the big screen. 

Warehouses

Part of my workday is stationed in an overcrowded appliance warehouse. Recently, I took a wrong turn and ended up navigating a labyrinth of boxes that would make the Goblin King grip his codpiece in GPS-less fear. Storage facilities are dangerous places, and not just because they tend to be generously stocked with sharp objects and sloppily stacked with heavy boxes. While Final Destination 3 packed on the precarious nail gun and other fatal industrial accouterments, my heart goes out to Child's Play 2 for its factory finale. Many people never understand why a two-foot doll instills such fear in so many filmgoers, but imagine a petite plastic redhead chasing you through an endless maze of ominous cardboard. It’s scary. And brown.

Hotels

The thing about lodging facilities is, despite all lazily standard attempts to make you think otherwise, they’re not your home. In fact, they’re no one’s home, yet countless scores of travelers have come before to sleep, make love, and flip through basic cable, all under the watch of bland pastel paintings in rooms that look identical to a million others across your respective country. There’s something existential and empty about the very idea of a pay-by-the-night place. Of course, The Shining is the definitive hotel horror for capturing the vast emptiness of a place that has been well lived (and died)-in before a cracking family moves in. I’d also point to the more recent Bug. The terror of this Friedkin thriller/drama/horror/undefined piece of disturbia doesn’t necessarily lie in its setting, but Ashley Judd’s cheap residential motel does help to create an atmosphere that never feels quite like home--thus making her lonely and longing waitress all the more vulnerable to forming a not-so-healthy connection with Michael Shannon’s quiet and slowly unraveling stranger. One thing’s for sure: by the end of Bug, you’ll never have to worry about confusing that room with the Day’s Inn.

Empty asylums

What’s scarier than a home for the criminally insane? How about one abandoned by the criminally insane? House on Haunted Hill makes nice use of its institutional mansion setting, but few films have created such a terrifying location as Brad Anderson’s Session 9. Filmed in the former Danvers State Hospital (aka the State Lunatic Hospital at Danvers, a far scarier title), Session 9 follows a frustrated asbestos removal crew and their ill-fated attempt to clean up am empty  (and most likely haunted) asylum. Like Carnival of Souls, Session 9 absorbs its environment, squeezing every drop of horror and letting it spread into the cast, music, lighting, and overall filmic effect. Plus, it achieves the seemingly impossible task of making David Caruso sympathetic. 

Tundra

I gave up watching Survivor the day Mark Burnett announced the show would never be filmed in the Arctic. To me, watching resourceful people combat frostbite and fight polar bears is far more exciting than seeing bad cases of sunburn aggravating oozing mosquito bites... which is probably why I hold winter horror in such high esteem. For true frozen conditions, John Carpenter’s The Thing pretty much corners the vast, cold market on ice, especially since Kurt Russell & Co. battle the boredom and isolation of Antarctica while  dealing with a shape-shifting gooey creature set on world domination. The more recent 30 Days of Night took great advantage of the Arctic Circle’s weirdly misunderstood sunrise patterns by, naturally, making it a haven for vampires. Sure, it fudged the actual earth science a tad, but 30 Days of Night also answered the question for why America’s largest state has such a small population.  

So my safely nestled readers, which films have you constantly noting the nearest exit? Also, what are some of your everyday hot spots just waiting for a bloody massacre to redden to floors?

Horror Settings That Naturally Scare

Some places have such natural fear factor, all directors need to do is toss in a few actors, dim the lights, and mix a few unusual sound effects to create a simple and scary horror film. This week at Pop Syndicate, I take a look at a few locations made to inspire nightmares and the movies that made them real.


Take a read and add any films that I'm overlooking. I will confess, my mind is buzzing with the excitement as tonight is my field trip to Fangoria's Fest. I haven't been to a convention since 2004, when Ken Forree's gargantuan handshake almost crushed my stubby little fingers, Betsey Palmer smiled like a kindly grandmother at the fact that I attended with my mom, and I joined the club of fans who have caught major diva attitude from Tom Savini. Tonight, I'm keeping my expectations at a minimum...


mainly because I just rented a new apartment and it seriously needs some decorations. Toy booths and movie posters, here I come!