Needs More Katt

I seem to have bad luck with the House sequels.

See, you probably don’t know this, but quite a few months ago, I sat down to watch The Horror Show with the full intention of sharing my thoughts in this familiar place. I was even more enthused when I realized it was occasionally considered an in-name-only threequel to the bouncy William Kattastic House. 

(Random thought: the next installment should indeed be about a haunted bouncy house)

For whatever reason, I just couldn’t get a review written. I bumbled around a little bit, learned one lesson (“If a foot’s frying in one deep fryer, you can probably guess the rest of the parts are frying in another”) and decided to abandon ship, leaving Lance Henrikson and Michelle Pfeiffer’s less famous sister on their own.

Cut to a few months later when the horror comedy mood struck me hard enough to queue up the ACTUAL House sequel, a film that proves its pedigree by a) sharing its predecessor’s theme and b) also featuring a barfly from Cheers. Although House II: The Second Story (possible favorite subtitle ever) doesn’t actually connect to the original in terms of character, it is a little more official in terms of its franchise pedigree.

And once again, I feel incredibly apathetic writing about it.

Quick Plot: Our prologue introduces us to a married couple handing off their infant son to another while they return to their Victorian style home to confront what can only be described as a ghost cowboy looking for a crystal skull.

Already better than Indy 4

When the pair refuses him, our ghost cowboy shoots them both and sends us 25 years later to the rocking ‘80s present, where Jesse (Ellen’s Arye Gross) and his girlfriend Kate (the telepathic heroine of the seventh Friday the 13th) are now moving into the long-abandoned home. Before they even have a chance to find the nearest pizza delivery, their pals Charlie and pre-Problem Child Amy Yasbeck drunkenly drive on over to open up all sorts of house secrets, including the burial location of Jesse’s namesake and great grandpa.

Because alcohol generally makes us do really awesome things, Jesse and Charlie grab some shovels and exhume Gramps (played with the same bumpkin swagger as Royal Dano’s one year later role in Killer Klowns From Outer Space) in the hopes of finding the famed skull. Gramps turns out to be rather spry--if a bit crusty--and turns into the life of the Halloween party, stealing the show from a young Bill Maher. When a big beefy leotarded giant crashes the festivities to hijack the relic, Jesse and Charlie end up traversing the alternate dimensions hidden within the house.

Stop motion animated monsters wander, weird dino bird things squawk, and the cutest worm since Labyrinth barks its way around to help protect Gramps from the ghost cowboy he apparently killed a hundred years or so earlier. There’s also a random time warp into an Incan virgin sacrifice (maybe?), a blond being traded for another and back again, a whole lot of slapsticky skull dropping, and time travel.

You might say this is a busy film.

House II: The Second Story shares the same horror comedy vibe as its original, minus the whole PTSD Vietnam veteran angle and dead kid thing. In other words, it’s a little lighter. With its cartoon violence and colorful creatures, House II actually feels more in line with an episode of Pee-Wee’s Playhouse than The Evil Dead.

I should like House II, and I’m fairly certain that on another day, I just might. Like the original, it boasts a gleeful assortment of bizarrely fun practical monsters, plus an even goofier tone that just begs to be contagious. For whatever reason though, I found the antics somewhat tiresome. Most days, the sight of a prehistoric worm dog would make me smile. Today, I just yawned.

High Points

Prehistoric worm dog!

Aside from the prehistoric worm dog, House II’s best moments come courtesy of Cliff Clifton himself, John Ratzenberger playing the world’s most efficient electrician who also happens to have Michonne-like skills when fencing Incan spirits

Low Points

A gal can only watch so many interceptions via dinosaur of magical crystal skulls before she just stops caring

Lessons Learned

Even in the late 80s, car phones got no reception in haunted locations

Neither mummies nor baby pterodactyls make for a good excuse when caught getting friendly with your ex

‘Sir’ is a term reserved for politicians

All old folksy men played by Royal Dano in the late '80s had a lot of questions for tarnation

Rent/Bury/Buy

House II fits a very particular niche of ‘80s horror comedies, and by those terms, it’s a fun watch. I would certainly recommend fans of that era check this one out via Instant Watch, even if I seemed in this viewing to be immune to its considerable charms. I’ll chalk it up to the weather, because on a typical day, I fully endorse old grizzled zombie prospectors going on Abe Simpson-esque rants while being fueled by endless liquor. Maybe I’m the weirdo in this scenario.

This Old (Dark) House

When someone with the pedigree for detecting hilariously flawed genre films suggests I watch something, you can bet a solid block of sharp cheddar cheese that it will be done. Today's such recommendation comes courtesy of Night of the Living Podcast's Amy, and that folks is some true horror royalty.

Quick Plot: As a young girl, Claire entered a creepy home known for its redheaded spinster keeper raising foster kids inside. As the lady of the house sticks her arm inside the garbage disposal, Claire discovers a dozen or so children slain.

Flash forward some years to Claire, now a college student with a crappy therapist and the hilarious dream of becoming an actress. At school, she attends class with a bevy of other attractive young people to play the world’s worst theater game (if putting two students on stage and having them be mean to each other is considered a theater game). 

As blond, black, and gay jokes swirl about, Dark House finds itself tiptoeing on a fine line between insufferableness and joy. Thankfully, just as the characters were getting too awful for our own good, Jeffrey Combs waltzes in like a national treasure to deliver one of the film’s many amazing lines:

“Is this the...advanced acting class?”

After I cluck like a chicken in imagining how amazingly awful the introductory class must be, Combs lures the (gaaaaaahahahaha) advanced actors to his haunted house attraction for an honest day’s work. Despite their misgivings of not getting Shakespearean dialogue, Claire convinces the stars-in-the-making to take the job, mostly because it will give her a chance to confront the very same house she’s been afraid of since, you know, discovering 14 dead kids in as a child.

To give Dark House some credit, its haunted house attraction is actually fairly nifty. Combs’ Vincent Price-y character has, you see, recruited the services of a super IT nerd to program a batch of realistic holograms to follow patrons. Naturally, a computer virus (or DEMON, um, virus) sneaks in when the doors are locked, releasing a gaggle of axe-wielding clowns, iron maiden closing executioners, and acid-throwing scientists on the next generation's Oscar seat fillers.

You have to kind of love a movie like Dark House. Like an off-brand Hostess Snowball, it's made of crap and induces the same result, but the quick journey towards it is not without pleasure. Writer/director Darin Scott is clearly enthusiastic about throwing a lot of stuff onscreen, and while some of its effects are laughable, there's also a lot of charm. Jeffrey Combs has a ball with his free reign, while the variety of monsters keeps things interesting. Sure, the kids are all unlikable, the twist is silly (then sillier), and CGI looks as good as any college level computer science major can render, but when heads are flying so gleefully, I can't be unhappy.

High Notes

Any straight-to-DVD horror flick that ends with its own theme song has to get a fist pump from me

Low Notes

Though I’ll laugh over some of the lesbian jokes shortly, I also have to point out that Dark House has a rather mean streak of homophobia running through it, using any chance it can get to force sapphic overtones that might have been intended as edgy but come off as cheap

So about that twist...nah, nevermind

Lessons Learned

Acting is the art of communicating with the audience through the use of realistic and authentic behavior

If a lesbian saves your life, you will then be expected to do her (her words, not mine)

Half of the best actors got their start in horror movies

You shouldn’t go to houses where weird kids live

Boyfriends are for driving you to childhood memories

Rent/Bury/Buy

The second entry I’ve watched in Fangoria’s Frightfest (the first being the okay Hunger) continues to be fairly mediocre. At the same time, I had a blast watching Dark House at 7 AM before going to work, and I can only imagine how much better that experience would be with alcohol. Throw it on the instant queue for one of those drunk/dumb nights. If nothing else, you get one of the most random jokes at the expense of Windows Vista to ever pop up in a horror film. So far...

A Haunting In Conne--er, Salem

“From the director of Paranormal Entity” isn’t generally considered a selling point for your film…unless your audience is Emily Intravia. Hence, we enter:

Quick Plot: After an apparently set-in-the-past prologue that gives us a slaughtered family, we flash forward to present day Salem. Sheriff Down has recently been hired with the added bonus of moving his brood into a gorgeously historic (and naturally haunted) house that just might definitely be located over the burial ground for the 19 hanged alleged witches of those infamous 1692 trials.

It doesn’t take more than a day or two for ominous signs to reveal themselves. After finding some hair clogs in the drain and dead crows on the floor, things start to get a tad more intense. Older daughter Ali receives creepy instant messages, while dad’s PTSD resurfaces to turn him into a major jerk. His much hotter wife can do nothing but watch, while teen son…well, we can kind of forget he exists until plot demands we remember.

Directed by Asylum stalwart Shane Van Dyke, A Haunting In Salem falls into a very particular class of straight-to-DVD horror. Much like Van Dyke’s previous better-than-it-should’ve-been Paranormal Entity (yes, you read that right), the film is far more capably made than the typical Megasharktopusacondas you might find floating on Titanic 2. Other reviews might be quick to deride the acting, but the performances are perfectly fine for the material and believe it or not, A Haunting In Salem actually has a few impressive scares.

Yes, we have the token grizzly man child caretaker spewing out predictable lines about the house’s history, but there’s also a nifty surprise suicide from an unlikely source and a few jumps that are timed just right. Is the movie anything special? No. Having recently watched another haunted house indie, Lovely Molly, it's hard to say A Haunting In Salem is worthwhile. Where Lovely Molly took the tried and true demonic possession trope and gave it a unique spin, A Haunting In Salem treads almost no new territory and doesn't necessarily conquer the old. 

In a word that's not a word, A Haunting In Salem is aight (I hope that came across with the same kind of Wire accent it had in my head). Better than it could have been but only if your expectations are low. And if you're skimming through Netflix Instant Watch and stop upon a haunted house movie made by the man responsible for Titanic 2, I imagine they are.

High Notes

People were quick to deride Paranormal Entity for its brand name, but when I look at that film next to this one, I think it's clear that Van Dyke is a more than capable filmmaker when it comes to delivering competent horror moments

Low Notes

The problem with a fairly briskly paced film like A Haunting In Salem is that it gives us virtually no time to connect with a single character. The teen daughter has a computer; the son plays baseball; mom is a hot mom and dad looks like an average man who was accidentally put into a dryer. I have no reason to care about a single one.

Lessons Learned

Big ol’ houses come with ghost stories (and a lot of leftover hair)

You can’t have your civic forefathers execute 19 people without getting some kind of a reputation

Slapping a man’s face after he tumbles out the third story window will not bring him back from the dead...or WILL it?

Rent/Bury/Buy

I don’t know who to recommend A Haunting In Salem to, but that doesn’t make it a total waste. The script is neither original nor tight, but the end result works better than it should, even if the film doesn’t tread new ground nor quite land on its own. I guess this is good for those just looking for some haunted house fun. It's passable channel surfing fodder and currently on Netflix Instant.

Ya Gotta Get a Gimmick

Silent House is one of those films that might be impossible to thoroughly discuss without spoiling. Though there is plenty to say about the gimmicky “single shot” illusion of the filming style, I can’t go into any detail whatsoever without erupting into a fit of how the major twist negates everything that makes the film annoyingly unique in the first place.

So here’s the non-spoilered review of Silent House: it’s a mildly new, occasionally unnerving haunted house(ish) tale with a great central performance and stupid filming gimmick that completely undoes everything about itself in the final act. One could do worse than watching it for 90 minutes, but one could also save his or herself a momentary spike in blood pressure when some things are revealed.

Now open that expired gallon of milk: we’re going to get spoilery.

Quick Plot: Sarah is a spacey young woman spending time with her dad and uncle as they clean up their old summer house, an isolated little property that has apparently been hosting angry squatters during the offseason. On this particular afternoon, our pretty heroine is visited by a mysterious girl claiming to be her old childhood pal. Sarah doesn’t seem to actually remember the woman, but she fakes it well enough before returning upstairs with her dad to throw away some childhood mementos and breathe in some wall mold. Everything is fine and dandy in a poorly lit manner until Sarah’s dad leaves the room, a giant bang is heard, and it becomes increasingly clear that someone has ominous plans for our leads.

Directed by Chris Kentis and Laura Lau (the same team that brought us Open Water), Silent House is occasionally effective, particularly in its first hour or so. Having absolutely no clue what menace is tormenting our star works incredibly well, and Elizabeth Olsen has the kind of glassy wide eyes to sell true fear. But much like Open Water, this is a film built more on gimmick than substance, and in that exists two problems:

1-The ‘one shot’ illusion doesn’t really add much to what we’re watching, making us instead constantly distracted by the fact that we can’t really see anything

2-Once the film’s twist is revealed, it negates everything, primarily, the entire one-shot illusion

I’m going to spoil Silent House. And I am not going to feel bad about it:

About halfway through the film, I thought to myself, “I wonder if this is one of those ‘the victim IS the killer’ twists.” But then I said, well, that CAN’T be the case since everything we’ve thus far seen has been this “one continuous (not really) shot” and our eyes have been on Sarah the entire time. So if she is indeed the killer, that means I just watched absolutely nothing.

And then, like a pixie cut sporting French woman wielding an axe in the early 21st century, little Elizabeth Olsen proves to be starring in a nonsensical J-horror of sorts meeting Law & Order: SVU.

Oh yeah: and she did it.

Right. She, this character whom we’ve had our eyes on straight for 90 minutes, somehow managed to take down two much bigger men when we weren’t looking. Except, you know, we WERE looking. For the entire film. Which was “one-shot.” Meaning “one-shot where our eyes were on Sarah the entire time.” But she’s the killer. You missed that I guess.

Much like the better, but still innately flawed High Tension, Silent House doesn’t really deserve to exist as a movie in its current state. See, think back to ANOTHER film with a twist I’m about to spoil, M. Night Shyamalan’s The Village.

Gandalf is working HARD today.

In The Village, the audience gets a twist ending that has no effect on the characters whatsoever. Bryce Dallas Howard’s heroine learns about the twist, but then other factors come into play that negates them in her mind so therefore, the only character actually affected by what happened onscreen is someone played by the director in his signature unnecessary cameo in the final scene. We spent 100 minutes watching something that ultimately has no effect on anything.

Sort of like how in High Tension--

(Sorry dude)

We watch (admittedly, a much better) mess wherein what we think we’re seeing isn’t actually happening in the least. 

Had Silent House been told through more conventional filmmaking techniques, it would not have been a great film but it could have been a good one packing a strong lead and some effective scares. But because it’s based on a well-received Uruguayan film that made waves due to its style, Kentis and Lau have created the equivalent of a stylish rain coat made of shaving cream. Yes, it looks neat, but as soon as you dare test it out for its purpose, the whole thing evaporates.

Silent House is scary at times. I’ll give it that. But once you discover its secret, what you REALLY discover is that every minute of its running time is a fantasy of its makers. The one-shot trick means we can’t even chalk up Sarah’s psychosis to a second personality. How could someone else exist in her mind when we’ve watched her in REAL TIME? 

I am perfectly fine and encouraging of filmmakers using new means to tell stories, just as I am positively okay with token twist endings. But when you pair the two together in a way that doesn’t make sense, it’s like putting hot chocolate on unicorn steak. 

Well, maybe not that analogy since hot chocolate covered unicorn steak sounds positively delicious. My point is this: if you want to use a filming gimmick, you have to be sure it makes sense for the story you want to tell. A one-shot film could be perfectly fine. But when you apply that trick to a script like Silent House, you are annulling the very film you are trying to make. 

In case it’s not clear, I am angry. 

High Notes

As she demonstrated earlier last year with the complexity of Martha Mary May Marlene (or Mandy Melissa Marie Megan Marcia Marcia Marcia, I give up), Olsen is proving to be one of the most interesting actresses to emerge from her generation. Yes, the role is a written like a mess, but Olsen does the best she can to make us not hate Sarah, even when the script calls for her to hide under yet another table

I’ve said this time and time before: it is easier to fight the forces of evil with your hair out of your face. So thank you, Sarah, for grabbing that hair tie amidst the threat of attack

Low Notes

Oh well, I don’t, I mean, what can I say about A MOVIE THAT GETS FAMOUS FOR ITS GIMMICK EVEN THOUGH THE GIMMICK MAKES THE MOVIE NOT MAKE ANY SENSE

Lessons Learned

When in doubt, hide under furniture. Your sociopathic subconscious will NEVER think to look there

Though production on the actual film has now been discontinued and the far improved technology of the digital world has rendered them obsolete, one should still always keep a Polaroid camera on hand. If nothing else, it’s a mildly effective source of short spurts of light

If you’re worried about the audience not being able to know who a character is in relation to another, be sure to have one constantly acknowledge said relationship in every bit of dialogue, i.e., “My brother can really get on my nerves!” or “I’m not leaving my brother!” or “Look, little brother…” and so on.

Rent/Bury/Buy

Silent House made me very angry. In the words of Project Runway’s spectacular contestant Dimitri, it is a one way monkey but I shall add, it is a one way monkey without directions to that one way. Olsen gives a better performance than the script deserves, and while there are occasional shots of intrigue, there’s also the whole “the camera seems to be lingering on that empty space. I bet there---oh, there goes a shadow” moments that make for a great trailer and predictable movie. If you’re easily infuriated by bad endings, stay away. I imagine the complete nonsense of the twist is what warranted Silent House an “F” grade from theatrical audiences, and while this is certainly a better film than some other Friday night junk, it is indeed built upon a premise that ultimately damns it to a realm of boos hisses.

KattHouse

House is one of those ‘80s VHS staples that nobody actually seems to remember. While few could forget those luscious mulleted curls exploding out of William Katt’s head, the movie itself always felt more relevant as a perennial fixture (along with its three sequels) on video store shelves. We all THOUGHT we saw it at one point in time, but did we care?

Quick Plot: William Golden God Katt plays Roger Corbett, a successful horror novelist stuck with writer’s block as he struggles to pen his memoirs of his dark secrets in Vietnam. Following the earlier death of his son and subsequent divorce from his primetime soap star wife, Roger moves into the mysterious (and titular) house of his aunt, a batty artist who hanged herself in the film’s prologue.

It doesn’t take long for gooey monsters to pop out of closets and mounted trophy swordfish to flop about-

-yes, just like Billy Bass

It's tough being a writer, as Roger now has to balance ghost hunting/tolerating with remembering his days of combat beside good old genre stalwart Richard Moll. Despite the amusing/annoying aide of nosy neighbor George Wendt, the misdirected flirtations of a sexy foreign neighbor, and the sympathy of his ex-wife, Roger can’t seem to catch a break.

House is a most definite horror comedy, a subgenre that can degrade faster than almost any other with the passage of time. Any comeror or horromedy (yeah, I’ll stop doing that) generally relies on the gameness of its cast and willingness of its audience to let loose and laugh at what, with the removal of a few musical cues or altered facial expressions, is expected to incite fear in another title. 

Does House work? Yes and no. Released in an age rife with haunted homes on camera (the Amityville series and Poltergeist were already sequels in), House has plenty of fun poking around at the squishy goblins and floating tools so identified with ‘80s suburban horror. The monster designs aren’t aiming for a Thing-like iconography, but there’s a great sense of personality about their look that finds a nice balance between the scary and silly. William Katt is one of those innately likable actors with a natural charisma that makes him easy to watch, an important factor since he’s in every scene of the film.

So what doesn’t work? Well, it’s not so much about what fails as much as it is what doesn’t go far enough. House is a tame film, one working hard for chuckles rather than laughs. Directed by Friday the 13th Parts 2 & 3 and Halloween: H20’s Steve Miner, it plays in the shallow end of the gorgeously kept inground pool without daring to cross the deeper territory of Evil Dead 2 or Dead Alive. That’s fine, as an attempt for all-out goofiness that fails can be painful for all involved. But ultimately, it makes House--which went on to slowly reap three sequel(ishe)s--fairly forgettable entertainment.

High Points

Even though he doesn’t get to have quite as much fun as I’d like to see, it’s always pleasant to see Richard Moll working in a film not tarnished by grain on a Mill Creek transfer

There’s a wonderful passing moment where Roger sits down to watch his wife’s Dynasty-like soap, a fine reminder of how great those storylines could be. Sample line of dialogue: “I can’t hide the fact that I’ve been a male prostitute for most of my life.” Can I watch THAT movie please?

Low Points

The tone is more than a bit confusing, especially when we consider the fact that there’s suicide, Vietnam trauma, and a dead child lurking around the peripheral of House’s main plotline

Lessons Learned

The best way to get over an ex you still harbor feelings for? Shoot a monster wearing its clothing

Solitude is always better with someone

When the sexy blond neighbor asks you if you like to play, she might indeed be referring to Chutes & Ladders or Hide ‘n Seek

Fashion Alert

Hey able-bodied men: whenever you’re ready, the world is welcoming of the sexy deep V-neck sweater to make its triumphant return

Rent/Bury/Buy

House is currently streaming on Netflix Instant, which makes it fine for a fluffy afternoon with the kids (minus the suicide and PTSD). It’s light, goofy, but not over the top comedy with the look of a horror film. Nostalgic ‘80s fans will certainly appreciate some of its references, while younger audiences may just find it on their level. Don’t ring the bell expecting to be scared, but do take comfort in knowing you’ll be staring at William Katt’s baby blue eyes for 90 minutes. 

To each her own.