Little Orphan Mary

 

Has there ever been a film duo more perfect than Christopher Lee and Peter Cushing? 

You don't have to answer. We know. 

Quick Plot: A trio of older, incredibly wealthy Brits are murdered in careful manners that leave their cause open to accident or suicide. Meanwhile, a school bus filled with sinfully noisy Scottish orphans is derailed, perhaps by a justifiably grumper driver, perhaps as a continuation of the conspiracy, or maybe because one of the injured is Mary Harb, the daughter of an infamous murderess. 

Mary is recovering under the care of Dr. Peter Haynes, a caring psychiatrist who senses his young patient is in grave danger. Lucky for everyone, his supervisor Mark is played by Peter Cushing so naturally, Mark's best pal is a semi-retired but very competent Col. Bigham and obviously, he's gloriously inhabited by the towering perfection that is the late Christopher Lee.

Bingham knows that so many related untimely deaths are no mere coincidence. As he continues his investigation, Dr. Haynes strikes up a gratifying (in multiple ways) relationship with Joan Foster, a journalist working to explore the story of Mary's birth mother, Anna Harb. 

A glorious angry redhead ex-con, Anna wants her child back and might be willing to murder a few other orphans and doctors to do so. Or maybe these charitable millionaires have some homicidal plans of their own. It's a mystery!

A delightful one, to be sure. Based on John Blackburn's novel and directed by Countess Dracula (and more excitingly, I Don't Want to Be Born!)'s Peter Sasdy, Nothing But the Night is a crafty little thriller filled with dynamic characters and sharp twists. Even the score makes for a jaunty watch, playfully toying with children's tunes one moment then smoothing out a sexy saxophone to amp the romance in the next. 

I won't spoil the weird, wonderful ending, but it must have been a shock in 1973. It may have even given a certain celebrated comedian-turned-great-horror-filmmaker a few good ideas. With that and the Cushing/Lee blessing, I'm fairly shocked that Nothing But the Night doesn't seem to have the fanbase it deserves. 

Maybe it's the contemporary setting, or that this isn't an official Hammer studio production, or that the horror seems to lean more into mystery novel than supernatural for most of its run. Whatever the reason, it ends today: Nothing But the Night is a surprising little joy. Go get it. 

High Points

Perhaps it's that Brian Hayles' screenplay has a whole novel to pull from, but it's incredibly refreshing to see how almost all of the adult characters are so clearly drawn and fully fleshed out in a story-heavy 90-minute film. Granted, all Christopher Lee really needs to do is show up and the audience is enthralled by his very presence, but his Bingham is somehow immediately recognizable, while Georgia Brown's Joan and Keith Barron's Peter create fully dynamic professionals whose brief chemistry helps to make a quick subplot pop

Low Points

How is it possible to throw in a reference of a famous triple murder but never actually explain the details? And yes, really, I'm just formally requesting a prequel about the glorious Anna Harb

Lessons Learned

A prostate gland treatment is hardly the end of the world

12 is a perfectly adequate amount of men

"Scattergun" and "knocking pen" are very common American terms (that I've personally never heard in my apparently not-so-American life)

Rent/Bury/Buy

At the time I watched Nothing But the Night, it was on but leaving Amazon Prime. I would imagine it's since moved to another streaming site, so do some Googling and grab it. You won't be disappointed. 

Killer Babies AND Lascivious Dwarfs? It's like a chocolate covered candy cane!

Let us hop into our time-traveling Volkswagen (watch your head, tallies) and drive into the recent past. Around a year and half ago, I reviewed a film called The Sinful Dwarf, a gleefully twisted little tale about often nude newlyweds, forced prostitution, sodomy via cane, and the titular and VERY sinful dwarf.

Why now do I mention this slice of ‘70s sleaze? Well today’s Vertically Challenged Villain-filled feature, The Devil Within Her, ALSO features a sinful dwarf, and you know what folks? it saddens me how rarely I get to say that.


But what's even more exciting than a sinful dwarf attempting to seduce Joan Collins as she's clad like a belly dancer? Why, a DOUBLE DOSE review of course! My good pal and incredibly esteemed blogging colleague, The Vicar of VHS, also caught a little devil within him fever today and if you head over to Mad Mad Mad Mad Movies, you can read his most glorious thoughts.

Quick Plot: Joan Collins (whom you all remember so fondly from Empire of the Ants) plays Lucy, a newlywed new mom with an exotic dancing past. As the film opens, Lucy is having a difficult time giving birth to her son, so much so that the process prompts doctor Donald Pleasance to declare “This child doesn’t want to be born!”

Cue the title (sometimes indeed, I Don’t Want to Be Born!).

With ten fingers, ten toes, and a surprisingly sharp set of teeth, Baby Nicky comes home with Lucy and her daft Italian husband Gino. Immediately after, the family (and stuffy British nanny) notice something is amiss. Sure, all babies cry, but not all bite and toss furniture around the nursery.

Around this time, we as loyal horror viewers must try to decipher the culprit to Nicky’s oddness. Taking the time and place in account (1970s, Rosemary Baby/Exorcist ripoffland) we can deduce it probably involves demonic possession. Maybe a polluted water supply or dubious prenatal vitamin for a more earthly explanation?

Nope. Silly ideas, those. Can’t you tell that Nicky was corrupted because mom once spurned the romantic advances of an angry cabaret dwarf named Hercules?

Didn’t see that coming, did you?

Yep. Hercules has somehow wormed his sexy spirit into a cute baby (usually dressed up like a girl, for who knows why). We know this because of two reasons:

1-An extended, hilarious flashback wherein Lucy recounts Hercules’ failed seduction

2-The fact that any time Nicky acts evil, the film is cross-cut with closeups of the middle-aged Hercules dressed in a bonnet.

A dwarf in a bonnet is a beautiful beautiful thing.

Are you now preparing to give up your firstborn dwarf for this movie?

Like Unborn Sin*, The Devil WIthin Her is a terrible, horrible, no good very bad movie. Like Unborn Sins, it’s also funnier than anything Kevin James has ever eaten. Part of that comes from director Peter Sasdy’s stone-cold serious approach. Even when dwarfs are dancing with handkerchiefs and Carline Munro--clad in enough accessories to make an ‘80s era Madonna call it tacky--is talking, The Devil Within Her remains a ‘supernatural drama,’ trying with all its Herculean might to tap into the soul of Rosemary’s Baby.

But Joan Collins is no Mia Farrow, explicit sex scene be damned. Hubby Gino is a lovable goof, and Eileen Atkins out-Italian-accents Sophia Coppola with her heroic nun. Somewhere in the mix, a skinny Donald Pleasance tries to keep a straight face when philosophizing over evil vs. medicine. And a dwarf dances. 

I can’t think of any other way to really make you want to watch this movie.

High Points

Aside from the hilarious babysitter death, wherein a cheerful woman is pushed headfirst into a rocky lake by a wee little baby hand? Um. The fact that Joan Collins’ son is possessed by the soul of a living dwarf named Hercules pretty much does it for me

Low Points

Well you know...there’s no real explanation for how the angry dwarf managed to possess Joan Collins’ son. But he did, and that’s just fine

Lessons Learned

Italians make the best husbands

The great thing about not breastfeeding is that it allows you to drink hard liquor just three days after bringing your baby home

The biggest limitation of the medical profession is that you can’t write a prescription to fight evil

When you suspect your child of being possessed by the soul of an angry dwarf (nope, I really can’t stop saying that), be careful where you walk. You never know where a perfectly tied noose is hiding for for the right opportunity to hang you

Rent/Bury/Buy

If you live in the United States and still haven’t gathered your monthly savings for Netflix, let this be your inspiration. The Devil Within Her is streaming on Instant Watch, and really, your life will be better when you watch it. Sure it boasts the most ridiculous reason for possession ever (you got NOTHING Doll Graveyard) and the easiest exorcism ever. Seriously. The big finale is a frail nun reading Latin over a giggle infant.

It’s so much more amazing than words can ever possibly explain.

*NOTE: Unborn Sins is the film that will come to define our times or at least, February's Month of the Vertically Challenged Villains. It is one of the greatest things I have ever seen put to screen, but time keeps preventing me from giving it the proper photo treatment. You will know what this means when the day comes this month and your mind is blown.