I'm Your Number One (Swim)Fan

 

We all have our favorite films, but some of us have our favorite film studios. A24, Lionsgate, MGM, The Asylum...all have their merits, but let's be real: the warmer of my heart is none other than Marvista Entertainment.

Never heard of them, you say? Do you not spend hours watching Lifetime movies and Tubi content? 

What, my friend, is WRONG with you?

Quick Plot: Chelsea Angel is a celebrated musician who traded her bubble gum '90s pop career for a more unplugged style. Now five months pregnant, she decides to take a hiatus from performing but before she can announce that to her adoring fanbase, her private jet home crashes in the mountains.

Her manager and pilot are found dead, but Chelsea is luckier: she awakens to find herself in chains next to the young flight attendant. Who could have done such a thing?

Yes, obviously, the flight attendant! Who also happens to be Chelsea's number 1 fan. What a fine stroke of luck!

Evelyn King, you see, had a troubled life and the only bright spot was Chelsea's early music. Therefore, logic dictates that Chelsea should make MORE music. A baby is just going to mess that up, right?

Elsewhere, Chelsea's partner Nick is trying desperately to find her, which is a problem when the authorities seem less trained than the officers in Last House On the Left. He's far more successful teaming up with Frank, Chelsea's #2 fan. 

As you can guess, this film has a lot of mixed messages.

And as you probably already figured out, it's also not very good.

I love a Lifetime stalker tale, particularly when it's shameless about its source material. The medium may be different but make no mistake: The Follower is writer/director Damian Romay's take on Misery, a movie I might enjoy a bit (if my most recent Halloween costume is any indication). 

Which should be a lot of fun! Casting Erika "Tell me you love me, I know it!" Christensen as a former pop star now being Swimfanned? Brilliant! 

The movie? Not!

As someone who does an entire podcast on Hallmark holiday movies, I fully understand that most of these network films are made for pennies and in days. In no way do I expect cinematic brilliance or innovation. But energy? That's free.

Christensen plays the most levelheaded kidnapping victim you ever met. On one hand, I suppose it's refreshing to have a hero act rationally in the face of insanity. On the other, it's way less interesting. As Evelyn, Bethany Lauren James has some fun tapping into a fallen manic fangirl, but the actual filming feels so rushed that some of her grander moments just don't connect the way they can, even on this level. A scene where a very pregnant Chelsea waddles away as Evelyn attacks her with a guitar feels more like it was the blocking rehearsal for fight choreography than the climax of the film. 

High Points

Yes, the fact that I just said "Erika Christensen waddles away as her stalker beats her with a guitar" SHOULD make you say, "well that sounds fun" and yes, some of it is

Low Points

The utter lack of self-awareness about why casting Erika Christensen in an obsessive fan movie is funny in itself is such a wasted opportunity that for the many misses this movie makes, this is the biggest

Lessons Learned

Details matter in every act of creation, whether you're writing a song or sewing a creepy doll

The hardest part of any plan is knowing how to manage the rohypnol doses

Picking a lock is as easy as watching a youtube video

Rent/Bury/Buy

On paper, The Follower should have been spectacular (for me). Unfortunately, it's just not nearly as much fun as it should be (for me). If you're not me, have a go at it on Peacock.

Note To Self: Next Time, Just Rewatch Swimfan

Sometimes, running length is all it takes to sell a movie.

Now onto the 75 minute long (thankfully) The Tortured.

Quick Plot: Elise and Craig Landry are a successful suburban couple with a cute little six-year-old son named Benjamin. Before you can roll a credit, Benjamin is grabbed in broad daylight right out of his backyard by a twisted child killer.

Naturally, such an awful event does all but destroy Elise (Swimfan Forever Erika Christensen) and Craig (Passions Forever Jesse Metcalfe). Things don't improve when Benjamin's body turns up in the nightmare house of John Kozlowski (genre veteran Bill Moseley). Though Kozlowski is found guilty, the mere 25 year prison sentence does little to ease the Landrys' pain.

What follows is a typically miserable revenge plan that's fairly unpleasant for all involved. Elise decides prison is no payment for what John has done, convincing a reluctant Craig to help abduct the convicted man from police custody, bring him to an isolated cabin, and torture him for weeks until they feel satisfied. In typical no-that-perfectly-thought-out-characterization, Elise and Craig continuously flip flop positions in deciding they're doing the right or wrong thing.

It's as fun as it sounds, especially when we reach the kind of twist ending that does little but make its main protagonists look like even bigger idiots than we already thought they were.

Directed by Robert Fire In the Sky Lieberman, The Tortured is...well, exactly what you'd expect from a 75 minute movie about torture made by a decent filmmaker. The actors are fine, considering what little they're given to do. Like a lot of this subgenre, the entire film seems to be washed in a greenish blue filter that somehow makes the action even more remote and hard to care about. It's not dreadful by any means. Just...well, pretty blah.

High Points

Credit to a movie that understands there's no need to go on too long when you have rather little to give

Low Points

It's just so hard to accept a gut punch of an ending when there's so little justification for its main characters' mistakes

Lessons Learned

Drugging police officers is about as easy as untying one's shoes

Never store your sunscreen in a junk drawer

"Hush Little Baby" may have a nice lullabye tune, but when you actually listen to the lyrics (which show up at least twice), it's hard to not judge the singer as being a crappy parent whose master plan of raising her child is to spoil it rotten

Rent/Bury/Buy

Eh. The Tortured is a more professional production than a lot of the other torture-porn under the radar flicks you're likely to find on Instant Watch. That doesn't make it actually pleasant to watch in the least, so go on with it only if you just REALLY want another 75 minutes of watching two pretty people turn a body into something very ugly.