30 Odd Foot of Clicks

Random reminder that I have a podcast (even I forget) and that in my most recent episode, the great Christine Makepeace and I dove into Red Rooms and its obvious pairing, 1995's The Net. 

I wrote about The Net a lifetime ago, but found it even more impressive this time around. As a thriller, it's perfectly sleek, but the real surprise was how once you look past the details (floppy disks, PIZZA DOT NET), the actual story is just as relevant THIRTY YEARS later.

Anyhoo, now that we all feel like dinosaurs, it only feels right to see ANOTHER studio-sized techno-horror from the same year.

Quick Plot: A technology firm has teamed up with a maximum security prison to enlist inmates in some virtual reality testing. Ex-cop turned convicted murderer Parker Barnes (the world's best movie star Denzel Washington) and a pre-Saw Costas Mandylor are hunting serial killer SID 6.7 in a video game sushi restaurant when something goes wrong. Our beloved before-he-was-Jigsaw-5.0 is killed, as investors decide to pull the plug on this totally reasonable experiment.

Not so fast. Head developer Darrel Lindenmeyer (the kind of wormy little man who you'd meet and say, "I bet his last name is Lindenmeyer") is so proud of SID 6.7 that he simply can't bear to say goodbye. If you love something, you set it free, even if that something is a computer program amalgam of 200 serial killers condensed into baby Russell Crowe's buttocks.

SID is quick to turn LA into his own very '90s murder playground. He storms a rave and MMA fighting event, always framing his kills in perfect view of a running camera. 

Naturally, there's only one man who can stop SID's rampage. 

Well, one man and a randomly paired blond sidekick with a precocious child perfectly constructed to be put in danger.

Virtuosity was probably never going to be a great film. The fact that I've taken multiple paragraphs to set something up before reaching the 20 minute mark of a 98-minute film and STILL haven't addressed half of the cast (OSCAR WINNER LOUISE FLETCHER FOR GOODNESS SAKE) should probably indicate that there's a bit too much going on here. 

Even Denzel thought so. The biggest drag in Virtuosity is whatever the heck the plan was for Kelly Lynch's Dr. Madison Carter. She's a criminal psychologist intent on teaming up with Parker to catch and profile SID. Naturally, she's also a single mom to baby-faced, perfectly kidnappable Kaley Cuoco. 

As a sci-fi action thriller, Virtuosity can be pretty fun. But Lynch's Carter just sticks out as an unnecessary chess piece in an already overstuffed game. It's not surprising that the first bit of behind-the-scenes trivia for this film is that the script turned Parker and Madison's relationship romantic. Whether that was ultimately cut for time, chemistry, or racial politics (most sites suggest it was Denzel Washington who thought it would alienate filmgoers), the end result of this pairing is just...off. This woman should NOT be tagging along as a seasoned cop/convicted murderer hunts down a terminator. The minute you see her equally blond-headed child, you clock exactly what will be the final conflict of what could be a far more interesting story.

So no, Virtuosity is not a hidden gem in a Blockbuster pile. It has heavy script issues that are both helped and hurt by the very '90s CGI and overall aesthetic. There's certainly a charm to its very of-its-time style. The film is never boring. But also, mostly, not that good.

High Points

Maybe it was a direct effect of having just watched the divine Sandra Bullock take over the screen in The Net, but there really is something to seeing a true movie star in action. Denzel Washington is obviously capable of deeper performances, but his work in this fairly dumb thriller is just more evidence of how insanely perfect he is as an onscreen presence.

Low Points

Aforementioned mess of Kelly Lynch's role, shoehorned into an already messy narrative and topped with one of the worst '90s haircuts to boot

Lessons Learned

You can always count on a '90s movie killer to speak in sadistic dad jokes

Never trust a computer nerd with a name like Lindenmeyer

It should probably go without saying, but there's no universe in which combining 200 serial killers into one mainframe is a good idea

Rent/Bury/Buy

Virtuosity is by no real definition a good movie. The choppy storytelling suffers from whatever happened behind the scenes, making the overall product fairly unsatisfying. But hey, there are only so many '90s techno thrillers, and even fewer that boast someone with the heft of Denzel Washington. 

Hell Hath No Fury Like a Theater Kid Spurned

 

Saw ripoffs have a very, very special place in my heart. They're mostly terrible but sometimes, if you're lucky, they're terrible in such bizarre ways that you can't help but be entertained.

Quick Plot: Eight adults awaken in ugly jumpsuits and an uglier dungeon furnished with a toolbox of weapons and a camera to watch their moves. Yes, it's the same setup as at least ten low budget horror movies a year post-Saw, but this one has one of the more hilarious twists I've ever seen (and folks, I've seen a LOT of these kinds of movies).

See normally, "eight adults" is actually "eight strangers" but in this case, they're coworkers. From the janitor to the superintendent, it's a full roster of high school employees who were all complicit in the suicide of a former teacher. Their crime?

Hold onto your diploma for my favorite SPOILER ALERT of all time: they defunded the theater department.

No, seriously.

See, the late teacher in question lost her reason to live after she lost the chance to direct an adaptation of And Then There Were None (which according to this film's exposition, was a "short story turned into a play written by Agatha Christie"). This led her bitter mother to hire assassin The Warden played by a fully masked Costas Mandylor (as if this production couldn't afford his cheekbones) to kidnap a batch of the people she held responsible to broadcast their torture across The Internet.

Yes, there's an INTERNET component to this movie, which brings in my other favorite element of Death Count: THE COPS.

Michael Madsen "stars" as the veteran detective who misses the old days (you know, before kids did things like TEXTING). After having far too great a time making jokes about the possible mutilation and death of 8 (fairly) innocent people, he and his partner are able to locate the game, thanks in no small part to that AWFUL thing called "the internet".

In their defense, there's little to WANT to save about these people. Aside from our lead Rachel (probably the only passable performance by Sarah French), these characters are not just stupid, but inconsistently stupid. The Warden issues clear instructions with clear, proven consequences (Battle Royale head explosion devices, mustard gas poisoning, and so on). Every round, one player vehemently refuses to participate and dies horribly while the others scream at them to just follow the rules. The next round, one of the former screamers...vehemently refuses to participate and dies horribly.

At just 82 minutes (the last two of which switch gears to an even more hilarious commentary by strangers who watched the events of the movie on the INTERNET) Death Count wastes little time. It probably couldn't, as it seems fairly clear that actors filmed most of their scenes over the course of a day or two (more likely, a day...probably, a morning). 

This is my kind of mess.

High Points
Nothing here looks pretty, but credit must be given to the effects team who do some genuinely gnarly work when it comes to the horrific death devices

Low Points

The "lots of stressed kidnappees screaming wildly" element is standard for these kinds of movies, but that doesn't mean it's ever enjoyable

Kooky Credits
I always enjoy the "special thanks" section of a movie like this and by golly, Death Count did not disappoint because this film has FOUR categorizations of gratitude in an order that makes me even more confused. In descending order, we get:
1) WISH TO THANK
2) VERY SPECIAL THANKS
3) SPECIAL THANKS
4) THANKS

Shockingly, "the filmmakers of Saw" are never mentioned, which is strange because the movie itself name-checks that franchise at least four times.

Lessons Learned
Qualifications for being the superintendent do not include knowing how fire works

A good detective never wastes a half-eaten banana

Friendship should be earned, not retweeted

Rent/Bury/Buy
If I wasn't clear, let me be so here: this is a terrible movie. You will hate everyone on camera, chuckle at their ineptitude, then roar at the extreme way they're punished. Sadly we don't have any Saw sharks, but Michael Madsen gets to cash his check and writers Rolfe Kanefsky and Michael Merino teach an intense lesson about what happens when you defund the arts. Required viewing for school boards everywhere.

Leapin' Lizards!

When I see Jennie Garth with highly shaped '90s eyebrows and Kelly Taylor college hair draped in the meaty arms of Costas Mandylor, you can bet I'm diving in.

Tubi, hold my Zima. 

Quick Plot: Someone is murdering attractive and successful blonds in the big bad city of New York (sure)motos, giving them silver tennis bracelets and rose bouquets before tossing them out the windows of their own high rise apartments. I say "someone" because despite this being a VERY specific modus operandi, the press and police can't seem to come up with a clever or catchy serial killer name other than "The Killer".

Meet Meg: an attractive and successful blond in the big bad city (that's sort of New York?) who, you guessed it, lives far up a building with a Chekhovian rarely working elevator. One night, Meg catches the eye of beefcake Paul. They laugh, dance, order room service they don't eat, and even attend a spoken word poetry reading set to jazz. "New York" in the '90s was wild!

And yes, minor spoiler: Paul is "The Killer", and while he though Meg could finally be the one to break his dirty habit of murder, it's not to be. He throws her out the window and moves on.

Luckily for Meg, her window just happens to be located over a perfectly sized ledge, meaning her fall is broken and she's left instead with some bad bruises and that all-too-common ailment known as selective cinematic amnesia. Grizzled detective Frank Lazaro (BILLY DEE F*CKING WILLIAMS) is on the case, with so much world weariness that you almost wonder if Morgan Freeman was taking notes. 

Falling For You is directed by TV veteran Eric Till, an uncredited director on A Muppet Family Christmas, and therefore, one of my (apparently uncredited) lifelong heroes. Based on a play, it unfolds with the kind of rhythm you'd expect from a television woman-in-peril thriller, though there's some slight relief in Meg seizing control of her own fate. 

Make no mistake: this is not Ms. .45 or even Mother, May I Sleep With Danger. It's an earnest, made-for-CBS primetime thriller without the ability to tap into any real sexy or scary energy. Still, when you watch a 1995 TV movie in 2021, one co-starring Lando Calrissian as every stereotype of a rebellious veteran cop, things are simply bound to be entertaining. 

High Points

We can make Kelly Taylor jokes until the next (hopefully) inevitable 90210 reboot hits, but let's be fair: Jennie Garth is an underrated actor. Yes, her California looks and tight little voice might have limited her ability to be cast as Lady Macbeth or a laboratory scientist, but when it comes to holding the television screen, she has that it factor, and it's more than on display here

Low Points

Is there any screenplay device cheaper than "randomly detailed amnesia that means our victim remembers most activities like how to apply makeup but not the face of the man who threw her out a window?"

Lessons Learned
You won't find many blonds at a punk club ... or "Vampire Sex Bars," as it were

There are only two people in all of Canadian Manhattan who read Robert Frost

There are surprise advantages to having a (literally) thick skull

Rent/Bury/Buy

If you're craving a heavy dose of the mid-to-late '90s, Falling For You will likely prove to be as satisfying as a bag of WOW Doritos washed down with an ice cold Surge (look it up, kids). The excitement of soft focus lighting might wear off quickly, so don't get too excited, but it's definitely a dose of a different time. You can find it on Tubi.  

That Was the Night That the Lights Went Out In Mandyloria

So today's feature initially had some kind of introduction celebrating the weirdness of Costas Mandylor and his career choices, but, well, times have since changed. This is a movie about the United States going into a tailspin when the power goes out. In case you don't know or are reading this in the future when the world has recovered or we've all been replaced by adorable WALL-E robots, we're currently on lockdown due to COVID-19. 

It's my sincere hope and belief that if we behave responsibly, we will get through this, hopefully with a few lessons learned. In times like these, we all do our best to maintain the sanity of ourselves and those around us. 

My only real skills are fast typing and writing about horror movies, so it looks like you're currently still stuck with these dives into genre weirdness. Hope it helps keep you busy. If you need something better, here's a picture of a dog and deer being friends:

Quick Plot: Curtis County is a small rural town where little happens, save for the sheriff quitting smoking and the mysterious hermit (graying Mandylor) playing chess via walkie talkie communication. On a pleasantly sunny spring afternoon, the power goes out. After a few days without any explanation, the townspeople start to panic.

It seems as though there's been a national, and possibly worldwide blackout. The sheriff tries to maintain order and implement resource rationing, but heavily armed escaped inmates have their own plans. In just a few days, society has collapsed and a handful of extremely bland but decent actors are forced into survival mode.

This is a perfectly fine setup for a mini-apocalypse thriller, but unfortunately, director Louis Mandylor (yes, Costas's brother) and writer Steve Yoon lack any kind of spark. The biggest issue probably stems from casting decisions and dialog: while the actors are perfectly fine, their characters are incredibly dull.

The worst offenders come in our quartet of teenagers. Why anyone would think it wise to take two tall brunette white guys and two pretty brunette white girls wearing ponytails and center a third of an ensemble movie around them? Save for one Australian accent, I could barely tell these kids apart, making me want to root for their survival even less (though "spoiled rich kids who missed the news because they were doing shrooms in the woods" is usually not the most endearing character trait to begin with). 

It isn't until halfway through The Blackout that we even meet our villains, a gang of escaped prisoners whose only defining characteristic seems to be rape. There's a hint of something interesting when we see how they've started to recruit new members and feed them via fight clubbing, but it's just not enough. At one point, we reach a siege, which I reckon is supposed to be the climax, despite a whole separate set of characters in some other undefined area debating whether to ask for help or go on the attack. It's ill-conceived plotting that fizzles into an ending. That's that.

High Points

I did enjoy the sweet chemistry between the central characters, Martin and Julia. They weren't really given much to do, but both Jordan Marder and Lymari Nadal managed to find some genuine humanity in their underwritten roles

Low Points

No, The Blackout, you do not get to introduce a character as having aspirations of making the Olympic track team and never once put her running skills into play

Lessons Learned

City people will come

When in doubt about how to end your film, consider giving the last laugh to a cymbal playing monkey

A real lady keeps applying eye makeup, even when the world around her has descended into martial law 

Rent/Bury/Buy

Oy. I love when I discover a truly great, truly unknown thriller about society's collapse (Dead Within always comes to mind). When I land on an extremely mediocre one, I'm less enthused. The Blackout is better in quality than its low budget and lack of pedigree might suggest, but there's just nothing really here. It's on Amazon Prime, so if you're one of those weirdos (like me) who take comfort in watching worst-case scenarios that maybe could mirror our times, that's something. 

I've Had the Case of My Life

I can't quite justify it, but lately, I've been in strange, very fervent mood for cheaply made, super sleazy mid-'90s thrillers.

That's a normal kick, right?

Before you judge me, allow me to say that today's cheaply made super sleazy mid'90s thriller stars God of All Things Michael Ironside and Guess Who Character Come To Life Costas Mandylor. 

I just got a little bit of your respect back, right?

Quick Plot: In the steamy underground of the St. Louis streets, a serial killer is racking up a body count on prostitutes. All the victims have two things in common: their pictures in a once famous, now career-flailing photographer named George Kendall and a sleazy pimp with the non-pimpiest name a pimp ever had.

Sims. The pimp's name is Sims. Isn't that usually a name bestowed upon movie characters that are computer geeks or toy store managers? 

Moving on, hot on the case is Ironside's Sgt. Ernie Hanson and an ambitious district attorney named Carolyn Price. Price is one of those career-minded women whose only priority in life is getting a promotion no matter what the costs. Like everyone else in this movie, she doesn't actually seem to be good at her job, but she's way better at looking like she's good at her job. Naturally, that makes her a minor villain.

Our hero comes in the form of Jennifer Grey's Elaine Taylor, a scrappy (or so the film is telling us) young criminal lawyer trying her best to make partner at a large corporate firm. She becomes assigned to Kendall somewhat by accident, but the mysterious photographer takes an interest in her and her I-watched-a-marathon-of-Law&Order-style attitude.

Did Kendall murder five young prostitutes? It's a question that the audience might care about more than the movie does, as Portraits of a Killer's construction has no urgency about itself whatsoever. Sure, there's an early soap opera-quality fistfight that's exactly as amazing as you want it to be and an excessively terrible use of slow motion in the big climax, but those aside, this is a Dunkin' Donuts quality movie.

I know there's this weird faction of humanity that adores their coolatas and chocolate chip cookie dough flavored coffee and presumably, lazy advertising that doesn't even seem to TRY to make the cardboard food look good, but seriously: everything you can get at Dunkin' Donuts tastes like it was made with as little effort as possible. If there is cheese on your DD sandwich, it came from a very lazy cow. If there is a tomato in your wrap, it came from a plant that spent more time smoking and watching Judge Judy than, I don't know, being a plant.

My point is that Dunkin' Donuts is a bland institution, and Portraits of a Killer is a bland film. It has all the potential to ooze with fun sleaze, but the best we get is a sexy saxophone solo playing over...Costas Mandylor and Jennifer Grey making out fully clothed. 

Now I don't have any real desire to see either of these actors in the buff, but I have equally less desire to see them kiss close-mouthed when they have no chemistry and their characters have no personality. Jennifer Grey is an inexperienced lawyer. Costas Mandylor is a creepy photographer. Dead prostitutes abound and all we can hope for is that Michael Ironside shows back onscreen soon.

High Points

Look, any movie that includes Michael Ironside gets SOMETHING from me

In true film fashion, we get a city coroner who eats his messy dinner just next to a few tables worth of corpses. At what point can we get a movie about (or recipe book from) THOSE guys?

Low Points

When your tone is too chaste for Cinemax AND Lifetime, you're doing something very, very wrong

Lessons Learned

Putting a gun to the head of an alleged criminal during questioning is perfectly okay and acceptable police work

High powered attorney wannabes should always make a point of keeping a formal high powered attorney suit in their office on casual Fridays

The average St. Louis apartment for a low-level attorney is large enough to house a grand piano

When you have caught the interest of both a violent pimp and serial killer, it's probably best to look through the peekhole before opening your door to a mysterious knock in the middle of the night

Rent/Bury/Buy

I have no idea who Portaits of a Killer was made for. It doesn't have enough sleaze, mystery, or Ironside for anyone to claim it as their own, but the slow motion cheesiness at least kept me smiling. This is in no way a good movie, but it exists and is streaming on Netflix. Now if you'll excuse me, I really need to know if formaldehyde fumes makes sandwiches taste any better.

Maybe THAT'S what Dunkin' Donuts needs!