Friday Night Fights--Countdown Preview Style!!

Today for Friday Night Fights, we're going to look at a brain-bruising dust-up between two former heroes...accompanied by one of those sweet sounding songs from the 1960s that turns out to be a roiling epic of psychosis and sadomasochism when you actually listen to the lyrics.

Our combatants?

Mary Marvel and Captain Atom, of course!! You see, they've been hypnotized by Roulette to fight each other in her little underground super-hero Fight Club...

Time out. I just want to break in and say that I'm really, really tired of this particular type of story. Yes, I'm talking to you, Gail Simone. The soil is depleted on this plot; it needs to lie fallow while we rotate in some other story device for a few seasons. End of agricultural metaphor.

Anyway, Mary Marvel and Captain Atom have to fight each other...

Time out. This story is from 2003. Just coincidentally, both these characters turned evil a few years later in the execrable Countdown To Final Crisis. Or was it just a coincidence? Anyway, I note that, despite transforming himself (for no given reason) into the Monarch, murdering hundreds of heroes across the multiverse, conquering dozens of worlds and killing millions, and wiping the entire population of Earth-51's universe (not just the Earth--THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE), Captain Atom is now apparently back. As a good guy. With no explanation, no punishment, no guilt or remorse. Once again DC would have it that one of their heroes can be a genocidal monster, but it's OK if they had their fingers crossed. DC--where the only difference between good and ultimate evil apparently is just how you feel when you roll out of bed that day. End of rant.

So anyway, to the rollickin' rock of The Association, Captain Atom gets in the first blow..

Every time I think that I'm the only one who's lonely
Someone calls on me
And every now and then I spend my time in rhyme and verse
And curse those faults in me

And then along comes Mary

And does she want to give me kicks , and be my steady chick
And give me pick of memories

And then along comes Mary
And does she want to see the stains, the dead remains of all the pains
She left the night before
Or will their waking eyes reflect the lies, and make them
Realize their urgent cry for sight no more

When we met I was sure out to lunch
Now my empty cup tastes as sweet as the punch

Sweet as the punch

Sweet as the punch

Sweet as the punch indeed. But not as sweet as Spacebooger...

Panels from Formerly Known As The Justice League #3 (2003), by (duh) Keith Giffen, J.M. DeMatteis, Kevin Maguire and Joe Rubinstein. Bwahahahahahaha....

Lyrics and video for Along Comes Mary below. WARNING: This was the 1960s...

Lyrics | Association lyrics - Along Comes Mary lyrics

That Explains So Much

Last Saturday at MegaCon, Dan DiDio said (please note, this is apparently not a direct quote, but the article's summary of his statement) that Gotham City Sirens will feature the first “in continuity” Harley Quinn and will be written by Paul Dini.

Really? The first "in continuity" Harley Quinn? So the official DC line is now that Countdown never happened? Granted, that's probably for the best at this point...after all, we're still waiting for those "Challengers of the Unknown" to actually do something (snort). Still, it's kind of amazing, given all the fanfare DC put into that pathetic series, for declaring it "the spine" of the DC Universe, that DiDio can blithely say it's not in continuity...


And Harley's appearance during Dini's run on Detective Comics...not in continuity?? Really?

Perhaps next Dan can direct me to where I apply for a refund...

The Great and Powerful Morrison

My impression of Grant Morrison answering the questions from the Newsarama interviewer regarding why Final Crisis #1 didn't sync up at all with Countdown or Death of the New Gods:

Newsarama: So. So in essence, you were handed a plate where between Death of the New Gods and Countdown, Orion appeared to have died twice. Picking up with him here, did he wander to the docks from the battle in Countdown #1, or are his terminal injuries from something else?

Morrison:



Newsarama: And so you were left with a handful of continuity issues as result - – why didn’t the Guardians call a 1011 when all the other New Gods died? Why didn’t Superman recount his experiences in Death of the New Gods when he was talking about the New Gods to the JLA? How did the villains capture J’onn? Obviously, if you dealt in all the minutia of every storyline since Identity Crisis or earlier, you’d go nuts – so what was your personal line in the sand that you used in writing Final Crisis in regards to what “mattered” and what didn’t?

Morrison:

I'm just sayin'.

Bait and Switch

Well, there's a lot that's been written about Final Crisis #1 already. And given that there's 6 more issues and about a billion spin-offs yet to go, it would be very premature of me to comment too much on where the story is going. Because frankly, I haven't the foggiest.

Oh, and I do mean a billion spin-offs. In this week's DC Nation column, Final Crisis editor Eddie Beganza lists 8 of them, and he doesn't even mention Brad Meltzer's DC Universe: Last Will and Testament. He does include 2 I hadn't seen mentioned before, Final Crisis: Submit, and Final Crisis: Submit. So they're still coming up with new ones, and probably more will come to light in the next few months.

But I digress. What I wanted to opine about today was one thing that became abundantly clear while reading FC #1: Grant Morrison either didn't read Countdown and Death of the New Gods, or he doesn't give a flying fig about what happened in there.

If the former, well, lucky him. Countdown was execrable, and DoNG was at best underwhelming (hell, its story didn't even finish in #8, but continued into Countdown).

But we were told, time and time again, how important and vital events in those two series were, how they would be the lynch pin of what would happen in FC, how they were laying the foundation for what would come later.

Uhhh...not so much. Morrison not only contradicts what happened in those two series, but also what happened during his much-lauded run on JLA.

Case in point #1: The Monitor flitting about the "celestial fountain of interlocking universes" says that Universe 51 no longer exists. The Monitors exile 51's Monitor Nix Utoan for that.

Except, of course, 51 wasn't destroyed. Or, rather, it was recreated by Nix Utoan in Countdown #9. Yeah, the Earth-51 was ravaged by the Morticoccus virus, experiencing the "Great Disaster," and became the universe that Kamandi takes place in. Countdown spent an interminable 3 issues setting this up and explaining it. But Earth-51 still exists. The Universe 51 was not lost. Morrison either didn't know or didn't care.

Case in point #2: The New Gods. Let's start with Hal Jordan and John Stewart playing CSI: Green Lantern.

Does Jon Stewart seriously believe that Hal Jordan doesn't know about Darkseid? Really? THE ultimate baddy in the DC Universe forever, and Jon acts like he's talking to a rookie GL. Patronizing much?

How about Superman? He's always been closely linked to the Forth World. What does he have to say on the topic?

Look, Kal-El just spent 8 issues hanging around with ALL of the New Gods. During Countdown #2, Superman and the entire JLA sat on the sidelines and watched as Orion and Darkseid battled to the death. Orion and Barda were actually MEMBERS of the JLA during Morrison's run. Mister Miracle was a member during the JLI days. So why, exactly, is the Man of Steel acting like no one has heard of these guys before? "Guardian archives describe?!?!" How about "Remember that fight we just watched a couple of weeks ago?" or "Remember when Orion was a member?"

Now, I'll grant the need for some exposition dump in this launch of the new mega-series. But why pretend that these New Gods are strangers? Just very clumsily done, unless Morrison has already re-written continuity before the series has even begun.

And maybe he has. From a Q&A with Dan DiDio at Wizard World Philly this week:

Q: Was Death of the New Gods essentially, immediately retconned in that many of the gods were shown alive, albeit in a different form, in Final Crisis #1?

DD: “Death of the New Gods was a celebration of Kirby. A chance to say goodbye, and give them a proper send off. But it all makes sense as Final Crisis unfolds. Both the New Gods and Seven Soldiers will factor in to the events of Final Crisis.”

DiDio back in October sold us DoNG as "a story that we at DC have been building to for some time" and the series where "all your questions will be answered, and you will not be disappointed." And it's resolution was really the only point of the entire 52 (ahem 51) issues of Countdown. But now, it was just a "celebration of Kirby," apparently no more in continuity than "Whatever Happened To the Man of Tommorow."

Yeah, this all might be explained away in the upcoming 95 issues of Final Crisis. But you and I know it won't. Morrison's so powerful right now, he doesn't even have to be consistent with book that he's already written., let alone something written by Jim Starlin or Paul Dini.

Again, not that those storues were any great shakes. It's DC's right to do it that way, but it's disrespectful the the readers who bought and read the earlier mags, and disrespectful to the creators of those other mags.

Dan DiDio--Fool Me Once, Shame On You...

OK, it wasn't too long ago that I reviewed what the the first issue, or at least the cover of that issue, of Countdown had promised us, as compared to what the series actually delivered. And I was forced to call "Liar, liar, pants on fire" on Dan DiDio (amongst others).

Well, some people can't keep from fibbing, I guess. Let's look at an interview he gave Newsarama back in December:

NRAMA: When we’re talking about Final Crisis are we looking at another Countdown style event with multiple spin offs and plot threads going into other series?

DD: No - Final Crisis is seven issues over eight months. It has a natural break built in between two of the issues. During that natural break, there will be a series of specials dealing with Final Crisis and the events of that natural break in the story.

There will also be two other supporting series for Final Crisis, one of them is a five part story, one of them is a six part story. That is the full extent of Final Crisis. So we will not see Final Crisis crossing over in any appreciable manner with the rest of the line. All of the other monthly books will continue on the stories they’re telling, with their established creative teams for those series.

If we go any further or any wider…wait – you know what? I don’t want to be called a liar seven months from now when we add one more special or something, let me couch that – at this point, there are no plans to extend Final Crisis past that initial conceit, because we feel that what we have planned covers all the major story elements for that storyline. If we have to go any wider, when we will create a special, but we will not incorporate any of the Final Crisis storyline beats in any of the monthly series.

OK, so let's recap: Just 2 supporting series,. A single-issue special or two. And "7 months from now," if there's a change or two, well, it won't be much of a change.

So, 5 months later, let's look at what's actually solicited by DC for August:

Final Crisis: Revelations (1 of 5)
Final Crisis: Legion of Three Worlds (1 of 5)
Final Crisis: Rogues' Revenge (2 of 3)
Final Crisis: Superman Beyond (1 of 2)
Final Crisis: Last Will and Testament (1 of 1)

Ahem.

"There will also be two other supporting series for Final Crisis...That is the full extent of Final Crisis." (emphasis added)

"I don’t want to be called a liar seven months from now when we add one more special or something..."

Five months later, we've already climbed from 2 "supporting series" to 4. Anybody wanna take any bets that the number doesn't grow again before too long? And the "series on specials" during the one-month break in Final Crisis proper is...one. They actually subtracted.

Congratulations, Dan. You've earned another coveted "Liar, liar, pants on fire" award. Keep up the good work.

51 Issues and Nothing On

Well, then, here we are: 52 (strike that, 51) weeks later, we've had our "greatest phase of change" and "every major event and and nearly every character spinning in and out of the story." (So sayeth Dan DiDio) So, never minding the sheer editorial incompetence I discussed yesterday, what, exactly, did we learn about the DC Universe? What was the story about, and how was it told? Did Countdown matter, even if ineptly executed?

In terms of the story, at least, we learned virtually nothing. The climax of the storyline, in issue #2 (because most countdowns climax at two, you see) was just the wrap up-up of the storyline from Death of the New Gods. That's right, the the 8-issue limited series DoNG didn't even wrap up on it's own, but was to-be-continued in Countdown. Unfortunately, issue #8 of DoNG appeared AFTER Countdown #2, so we got the story's ultimate chapter before it's penultimate chapter...way to go, guys.

Seriously, that was about it...the entire point of Countdown was to show the outcome of some other mini-series. It turns out the whole reason we were on board for 52 (ahem, 51) issues was to watch Orion kill Darkseid. So why not make DoNG a 9 issue mini-series? Good question, padawan...

What else did we learn? We learned that we were severely misled, as the series premiered with a cover promising this:

and delivered us a series starring this:

Not a good way to start a relationship, lying to us like that (probably a wise marketing decision, though).

We also learned that the emperor has no clothes...Paul Dini, that is. Sure, he's pretty good at Batman, and he wrote some decent cartoons (okay, some really good cartoons), but this series showed that he's not good at plotting something epic length, and that he's not at all good in keeping continuity in a fully shared universe. He has little feel or regard for how characters were portrayed before he took them up, and showed a total inability to explain anyone's motivations. And the number of loose ends left untied, even after 52 (ahem, 51) padded and rambling issues, is stunning.

Let me say one thing before we continue on: I'm tired of hearing "it was mandated by editorial" as an excuse for a crappily written story. Sadly, that's become a convenient excuse to let writers that we like off the hook for piss-poor execution. And frankly, it's self-serving: as we saw with JMS's Spider-Man comments over the years, he's always been quick to publicly declare that every story fans hated was the editors' fault, and everything fans liked was all his doing. Conveniet, eh?

Yes, there are a TON of sins that can be laid at the feet of Mike Carlin and Dan DiDio; but at some point Dini himself is the one who put plot and words to paper, and he has to take his (ample) share of the blame. (And yes, we can always blame some of the "co-writers" and "creative consultants," but Dini was "head writer" throughout this mess, and that means nothing if we keep shifting the blame off to others).

Examples? How about Pied Piper?

Excuse me, Paul Dini, but Piper ALREADY was on the side of the angels. He had reformed, remember? He and Trickster were just infiltrating the Rogues to get the dope on their plans, remember? You ought to remember, because that's exactly what you wrote in #51! So for the big climax to the arcs of one of your main characters, you forgot whether he was a good guy or a bad guy. Smooth.

Example: Captain Atom/Monarch. You know, I won't say Captain Atom is one of the top guns of the DC Universe, but he's hardly insignificant, either. And when someone like him goes off-the-deep-end rogue you really need to have SOME discussion in the series he's "starring" in about WHY he's gone bad, don't you? (Unless, of course, he was possessed by the color chartreuse or some such nonsense) However, we had no such discussion, no characterization, nothing. Hell, we hardly had any mention that he used to be a hero.

Example: Monarch & Superboy-Prime: They were both prime movers in this silliness. They faced off in issue #13, and theoretically killed each other: Prime ripped open Monarch's suit, and the resulting explosion destroyed THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE of Earth-51 (don't worry--it got better. Really). But Captain Atom has survived things like that before, either being thrown about in space/time or into another dimension. And Superboy-Prime survives (he's one of the villains in the upcoming Legion of 3 Worlds, so he was most likely just thrown forward in time). Yet despite the fact we've been beat over the head with how dangerous, how huge a threat to the multiverse these two are, there's not even a single inquiry into their final fate. Not a word balloon, not a thought balloon, not a caption, nit an asterisk, nothing. Nada. Zilch.

Example: The Challengers of the Unknown (what are they challenging? It's unknown!!). We've been shown REPEATEDLY through Countdown that these guys were no match for a single Monitor...but somehow we end up with this:

These guys couldn't take down Lord Havok and his Extremists...yet now they're going to boss around ALL the Monitors? Really? Does that make a lick of sense?

Example: The Morticoccus. OK, those of you who haven't read this series aren't going to believe me on this. The sole point of having Karate Kid in this series (the SOLE point!) was that he was infected with the Morticoccus, a sentient super-virus that can exist in multiple dimensions and is essentially death on wheels. KK's version was especially deadly because it came from the future, and so was already assimilated to 31st century medical technology, and laughed at our medicine. (Note to Brainiac-5: exiling people to the past with extinction-level diseases can't be good for the timeline...) Earth-51's universe is destroyed (the second time) by the Morticoccus...yet despite the contention that it was now airborne and that their immunizations were temporary, the Challengers traipsed back to Earth-1 with no ill effect, and Morticoccus was never mentioned again. At all. The whole "threat to all universes" bit was completely forgotten. The fact that Ray Palmer had to go around spreading his immunity to other universe was never mentioned again. Karate Kid was in this series just so we could spend 3 entire issues showing the origin of the Kamandi universe (which Kirby could have done in 3 pages, or even 3 panels...).

I could go on, with the pointlessness of it all. Jimmy Olsen: got superpowers, lost superpowers, absolutely no character growth. Why was he in this series? Jason Todd: still a vicious killer and torturer of criminals. Why was he in this series? Holly and Harley: were Amazons for 5 minutes, had gods-granted powers for 5 minutes, now they don't have them and are back in Gotham (with no mention of WHY they left Gotham in the first place, or any particular character arc whatsoever). Why were they in this series? Kyle Rayner: well, he was in this because...well, I don't have any idea whatsoever. Now he gets to moonlight by Monitoring the Monitors (get it? GET IT?!?!), with absolutely no mention of whether he gets to keep his day job in the Oan Honor Guard.

Hey, you want a fun drinking game? Check and see how many unexplained events and unexplained characterizations had to be covered by Carlin & Co. in the Newsarama re-caps each week, and drink for each one that is NEVER covered in the 52 (ahem 51) issues. Just don't plan on making it to work the next day.

I used to complain that there wasn't enough story here for 52 (ahem, 51) issues, so all we were getting was padding and repetition. The sad truth, as it turns out, is that there was no story, period. The climax to another (shorter and better) mini-series, the creation of a new group that I guarantee will have less impact (and not last as long) as the "New Guardians" spun out of Millennium, and Mary Marvel being completely destroyed as a character. Seriously, that was it. Anyone care to wager on how much of this gets followed up in Final Crisis? Any of it?

A 52 (ahem 51) issue series with no plot, no characterization, and no reason for being? I'd like a refund, please.

Such a Thin Line Between Clever and Stupid

Do you know what the real problem with Countdown was? There were only 51 issues.

I know, I know, I sound like the guy in the joke: "How was that new restaurant?" "The food was terrible. And the portions were small!"

But seriously, I think I'm on to something fundamental here. The fact that Countdown was only 51 issues, and not 52 as promised, helps us see what a shambles DC's editorial direction under Dan DiDio is right now.

Let's deal with the obvious problem first: what the hell kind of countdown ends with 1 and not zero? Really, you can watch a million NASA videos and never see the ship liftoff on 1...

But that's just trivial ranting, right? Yeah, but it marks a sad trend. 52 was to be a fifty-two week series; but as they neared the end, they realized that the writers basically had refused to write the story the editors had wanted, and so they couldn't fit the neglected resolutions into fifty-two issues, and had to publish the abominable 4 issue Word War III to take care of it. So the fifty-two issue mini-series became 56.



And now, with the latest planned-for-fifty-two-issue series, they decided to end it with only 51 issues. Ostensibly, it was because (and I'm paraphrasing here) the zero issue was going to be a direct cliffhanger-filled lead-in to Final Crisis, and they just couldn't end the trade with cliffhangers, so they had to end the series at #1, and make what was going to be Countdown #0 into DC Universe Zero.Seriously, that's what Didio said.

Let's look at the ways that makes absolutely NO SENSE, shall we?

• I've heard of writing for the trades, but editing for them? Cancelling issues or shortening series for the convenience of the trade? Even if that made artistic, financial or editorial sense, has DC never had a trade end in (at least partial) cliffhangers before? DC trade buyers, help me out here...


• DC knew from Day 1 that Countdown was going to be re-titled Countdown to Final Crisis, and they alerted the world at issue #26. Certainly they knew from Day 1 that it would lead directly into Final Crisis, and involve cliff-hangers of some sorts. So why in the world not pace the "epic" so that #1, the issue that "ended" Countdown cliffhanger free (albeit not untied plot line free) was #0?? Did they somehow not know there was going to be a trade? Why shorten the series, instead of adjusting things so it ended where you wanted to in issue #0? Seriously, folks, it's like Nigel Tufnel trying to explain about his amp going to 11 here...




• Gee, if DC Universe Zero is supposed to be what was in Countdown #0, why does it have completely different writers? Hmm

You know, I'm more than happy to grant some leeway in the development of a 52-issue weekly mega-series. Things morph, new ideas come and go, editors are replaced (ahem). But when twice in a row you screw up the actual number of issues you need? When you can't even to get the series to do what it's supposed to do (hell, what the freakin' title says it's supposed to do!) and correctly link up with your next mega-series? Countdown to The Issue That Actually Leads into Final Crisis?!?!?

How screwed up is DC editorial on Contdown/Final Crisis? Check out this exchange from Newsarama's interview with "editor" Mike Carlin about Countdown #1:

Newsarama: So Mike, given the various points of narration, this whole storyline took one year?
MC: I wasn’t around for the beginning of this project... So not sure if anyone else said it... But I wasn’t under the impression this was happening in real time. Some sections went quicker than others... But as stories were spread out and checked in on for only a few pages an issue... I assumed many sequences were running simultaneously until they dovetailed at end.

"I wasn't around?" "Not sure?" "Under the impression?" "I assumed?" Are these really phrases you want to hear from the man editing your "lynch pin" series, the "spine of the DCU?" (That's DiDio's quote, not mine). He has no idea of the flippin' timeline of the series?!?! Isn't that an editor's job #1, especially on a series that ties into the rest of the DC Universe? Don't you, like, ASK SOMEONE when you take over? Either this is buck-passing to avoid blame on the most colossal scale imaginable, or Carlin is the most incompetent editor ever.

DC editorial essentially has no frakkin' clue what they're doing. They're making it up as they go along. It's astonishing.



Anyway, tomorrow I'll look at the artistic train wreck side of Countdown. Here's some preview material for you...

Upon Further Review--Countdown #51

Now that we're finally approaching the bitter end of Countdown to Yet Another Crisis, let's take a look back at the triple gatefold cover of the first issue of the maxi-series, #51:

Not exactly the most honest representation of what the series is going to be about, is it? Let's showcase a bunch of heroes who aren't even going to be in the series!!

While most of the characters depicted on the cover, the majority have them have come in teensy little cameos, and most of those were just retelling events that had already been shown elsewhere, in other DC mags. Supergirl, for example, appeared briefly at Black Canary's bachelorette party, and that's it. Most of the JSA members depicted showed up in retellings of portions of the Lightning Saga, which had already concluded weeks before Countdown got around to mentioning it.

Superman, Batman, Wonder Woman? Despite some substantial possibilities, they're not really in this series AT ALL, despite their presence front and center on the cover.

And the characters the series is really about? Jimmy Olsen's nowhere to be seen. Only Jason Todd makes the front cover. Donna Troy, Kyle Rayner, the Atom--shoved off onto the "hidden" third page of the cover. Mary Marvel? All the way off to the left on page 1. Piper and Trickster? Nope. Holly and Harley? Nope. Karate Kid and "Una?" Yeah, but you can't really tell who they are, and they're buried amidst the crowd on page 1.

So, Paul Dini, Dan DiDio and Andy Kubert et al? Liars, liars, pants on fire. I'm just sayin'.

About Anthologies...and Whither Weeklies?

Well, DC has apparently decided that a year-long weekly series is going to be a permanent fixture in their publishing plans. Trinity will follow in the footsteps of 52 and Countdown, featuring one long story about Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman.

In a big break from tradition that might avoid some of the pitfalls of those other two series, there will be one creative team--Kurt Busiek and Mark Bagley, doing the front 12 pages of EVERY issue. The the plans for the remaining ten pages sound a bit more nebulous, but will be by Busiek and Fabian Nicieza with art by various artists, and will sometimes be one-shot stuff and sometimes a continuing story.

Now, to me, it sounds like maybe, just maybe, they might be getting the formula right, by combining a weekly with an anthology. It sounds like it could avoid the pitfalls of the too many cooks approaches of 52 and Countdown, where both the quality and content veered wildly from week to week, depending on which team was up.

I've always thought there was room for more anthology titles on the market...but DC and Marvel usually mucked it up by making them monthly. Showcase '9x and the current Marvel Comics Presents show the perils of doing so...it's hard to keep momentum going for 6 pages at a time when you don't pick up the story again for 4-5 weeks. It's tough for the reader to remember, and it's tough on the creator to pace it so you have a natural story break/cliffhanger every six pages.

But by being weekly and having longer stories, I hope Trinity will be able to avoid that. The original run of Marvel Comic Presents was bi-weekly, and eventually settled on Wolverine as the permanent lead feature.

But I'm most reminded of 2 decades ago, when, for about a one year period, Action Comics became Action Comics Weekly--a weekly giant-size anthology title. Each week, 48 pages for $1.50, continuing stories and one-shots. And lots of stories and characters that weren't getting any attention elsewhere in the DC Universe: Mike Baron's wonderful Deadman stories, the Secret Six, the Phantom Stranger...

It wasn't perfect...the decision to relegate Superman to a 2 page "newspaper" style appearance every week was incredibly dumb. And of course, a fair amount of lame stories made it through.

But it did the anthology idea right: it allowed stories and characters that weren't going to be seen elsewhere, and it kept the fans coming to the feeder pellet button every week, when the last week's stories were still fresh in their minds.

So I hope Trinity works better as a weekly series than its predecessors (although I despair now of ever seeing Astro City again...). And I hope DC and Marvel move back to more frequent anthologies, using them as a guide to their wondrous universes. It's always seemed to me to be a great way to develop new talent and showcase your less well-known characters.

Oh, and Marvel? Get BETTER stories than the crap now appearing in Marvel Comics Presents. Yuck.

Friday Night Fights--Wonder Girl Style!!

I can't believe I'm doing this...but, even the crappiest comic book series in DC history can have 1 good beat-down somewhere in 36 issues, can't it?

On Earth-51, "our" Donna Troy is fighting an evil Donna Troy from Earth-Who-Gives-A-Damn. And evil Donna loooooves to talk:

But you shouldn't be talking when you're fighting our Girl Wonder:

Bammmm!! And can we get a pithy action hero send off?

Thank you!!! That's what I call a knockout!!

Who's the leader of the club that's made for you and me? B-A-H-L-A-C-T-U-S. Hey, Bahlactus doesn't need to rhyme, bitch!

I apologize, and realize that I might lose my blogger credentials for actually liking 4 panels from Countdown #15. But trust me, the rest of it sucked. Hard. I'm not going soft. Really.

It's a Random Note Kinda Day

No theme today, just a lazy bullet point kinda thing.

*Now that we're well past it, and get some sense of what the aftermath might be, I've a couple of Deep Thoughts on World War Hulk.

First, it was really kind of mis-named, wasn't it? It wasn't actually a World war at all, as essentially just New York was involved. No other countries, even! The most blatant case of false advertising since The Neverending Story!!

Secondly, it's nice to see that the complete devastation of the nation's largest city has had ZERO impact on the rest of the Marvel Universe, including the mags set in NYC. Spider-Man, FF, Daredevil, Red and Blue Avengers...nary a damaged building, not even a stray mention of evacuation or devastation or rebuilding. Nada. For all the impact this "must-read" event had on the rest of the Marvel Universe, it might as well have taken place in Exiles or What If?? Maybe that was part of Mephisto's continuity revamp, too...

Finally, don't you think that maybe we'd see Stark, Richards, et al hauled in front of Congress for hearings into how they caused this mess? I mean, if one mildly damaged city block was enough to make the public turn on Captain America in Civil War, you'd think the destruction of the entire city would have some repercussions, too, like Stark being removed from S.H.I.E.L.D. command or something...

Secondly finally, Red Hulk #1 was a massive waste of time. Oh, and Amadeus Cho is still a colossal tool.

*OK, how do I say this? There aren't enough drugs in the world to cause my head to trip out like the "Lost" Teen Titans Annual did. And do you know why there aren't enough drugs for that? Because Bob Haney must have consumed them ALL when writing this...ahhhhhhhh!!!!!

*"Brand New Day?" Let's see...Peter's broke, can't get a decent job, Aunt May is sweet but clueless, J. Jonah Jameson is an asshole. Yup, this was a brand new day, alright--in 1974, maybe...

*Hey, look, now Mighty Avengers is only 17 issues behind New Avenger's continuity! Pro-tip for colorist Justin Ponsor and letterer Dave Lanphear: dudes, Stark's "armor captions" are impossible to read when you make them light green lettering on a bright yellow background. Seriously. Fix this.

And I used to like Mark Bagley's art. Wha happened? Maybe it's the 14 different inkers they used this issue...but that doesn't explain why you can't understand what the frak is going on in that page set in space...

Oh, and by the way: is there ANY reason for this book to exist? Just askin'.

*I've been a good boy, not complaining about Countdown, and about how the explanations for the Monitors' behaviors not only make no sense but also directly contradict everything shown so far; about how the characterizations on Monarch (Captain Atom!!) or Ray Palmer seem like the writers have never even heard of these characters before before; or about how the series is still just treading water, but disguising it better by not even mentioning certain plot lines for issues at a time so we don't realize how slooooooowly everything is moving as we kill time for 16 more weeks. And how am I rewarded?

The Batman from Earth-51 cares more about the resurrection of Jason Todd than our Batman does. Kudos, DC, kudos.

*My co-worker Robert didn't think I would post his picture in my blog.

I like to tease him because he waits for the trades on the Walking Dead. So I taunt with with my knowledge gleaned from the floppies. That's what kind of guy I am.

Kontinuity Kop--Countdown (Again!)

Sigh....

Sorry to bitch about Countdown again, but dammit, someone has to, especially when they're screwing up the Legion of Super-Heroes (again).

Now, if Geoff Johns and Mike Carlin want to insist that the Legionnaires we saw in the (terrible) Lightning Saga in the JLA/JSA crossover were really, truly "the original Legion," they can. But that don't make it so. And wouldn't you think that if they were so enamored of the "original Legion" (and who isn't?), they might actually get a fact or two right?

Yeah, you'd think so. But so far, between Countdown and the Lightning Saga, we have:

• Karate Kid calling Luornu "Triplicate Girl." Karate Kid didn't join the Legion until AFTER Computo killed one of her "selves," and thus would never have known her as Triplicate Girl...he would have called her "Duo Damsel."


• Karate Kid and Sensor Girl being in the Legion at the same time. Of course, Sensor Girl was an alias assumed by Princess Projectra, AFTER Karate Kid was killed in the future.

But now we get to the borderline offensive part. From Countdown #20:


Look, my above quibbles can be dismissed as nitpicks. Fine. But in the "original Legion," Luornu is MARRIED to Bouncing Boy!! As in, Superboy #200. As in, well, you know, MARRIED.
This is Mike Carlin defending this in a Newsarama interview:

NRAMA: Okay - the whole Una/Karate Kid little romantic thing...that was...misplaced. What purpose did that serve in your editorial eyes?

MC: Misplaced? Seemed to us it fit their particular situation— explaining why Una would volunteer to stay behind with Karate Kid in the first place... And giving two characters a conflict while apart from their girl and “sisters” back home in the future!

Sigh...not even an acknowledgement that "Una" is on the verge of committing adultery with the husband of another Legionnaire. No mention of Chuck Taine. Or that before Buncing Boy, she was crushing on someone else (shhh...Superboy!). And not even an indication that anyone involved in this tripe has ever actually, you know, read any of the original Legion, or gone back to look stuff up while writing this. Nope, we just wanted to create a dramatic "conflict." Well, if so, why the freakin' insistence that this is the one true original Legion?!? "We loved the original Legion, we want them back, but we don't want them to have the same history or relationships?!"

If there's one thing worse than "continuity porn," it's continuity porn that can't even get the continuity straight. Becuase that just leaves porn. Pathetic and insulting.

BONUS: Kontinuity Kop speculation: Previously, I was sure that "Una" was really all 3 "selves" of Triplicate Girl...being only one was just a subterfuge, and at an appropriate point in Countdown we'd have the "surprise" reveal that she really was Triplicate Girl. While else go through the silly mechanics of having only one self helping Karate Kid?

But the bigamist mooning over Karate Kid so disgusted me, I can no longer believe that it's really ANY aspect of Luornu. New theory: She's really Sensor Girl/Projectra in disguise, again for a suprise reveal...

Earth-8 is Marvel-ous

From the first few pages of Countdown Presents: Lord Havok and the Extremists #1 (please, DC, makes these titles longer. Please!), giving us the historical background of Earth-8:

The frightening disregard for our fellow man...all of it was our doing...and all of it need to be stopped.
And so it would be...if one was to believe the campaign promises of the first metahuman presidential ticket.
As it turned out, the public did believe. They believed enough to grant Tin Man a historic landslide victory...
They even believed enough to support the passing of the Metahuman Act. An act which stated that metahumans would now have to be legalized by their government. And, if legalized, would operate as one unifying force...the Meta Militia.
Of course, what the act didn't state was what would happen to those who failed to comply...Arrests. Concentration camps. ..and often death.

Hmm, that all sounds kinda familiar...let's see, a "Tin Man" spearheads the passage of a "Legalization" act that makes all metahumans work for the government, and any who disagree are arrested. Hmmm, that Tin Man show some initiative there, huh?

Does this mean that Lord Havok=Captain America? And can we expect a Marvel to launch a revenge mini-series soon that mocks a universe where every week, long bouts of nothing occur? Glass houses, DC, glass houses...

Worst. Comic. Book. Ever.

In case you can't tell from the craptacular cover, I'm referring to Countdown #26. Oh, wait, sorry, Countdown to Final Crisis #26.

OK, maybe not the worst ever. But as hard as it might be to believe, as bad as Countdown has been, this issue not only lowers the bar, it plunges it beneath the Earth to new depths of awfulness. Seriously, this book damned near made me kill myself to prevent me from writing this, so that many fewer people would be exposed to it.

Where to start, where to start?? How about this: given the re-titling, you would think that this would be the perfect place to try and drag new readers into it, and to refocus the stories. And the story sort of tries, but fails so miserably on every level that it makes Civil War look like a work of art.

What are it's failings?

A) 17 of the 22 pages--yes, 17--are Monitors standing around talking to each other (or rather, mostly one Monitor lecturing the 50 others). And given that only 2 Monitors have been given any personality whatsoever ("Bob" and "Asshole"), and Bob's not even there, you can imagine how riveting any of their debates are. B-O-R-I-N-G. Worse then boring--didactic and tedious.

Even worse, this debate/lecture is meant to try and unify the diverse storylines Countdown has been presenting for the past half year. And in the greatest example of "tell, rather than show" since Brad Meltzer's JLA run, we see screens in the background portraying the action while Monitor "Asshole" narrates and explicates their importance. It's an exposition dump!! 26 issues worth of exposition dump!! Huzzah, that really makes me want to follow this more!

B) Despite purporting to unify the storylines we've been seen, and asserting that they're all "being orchestrated by a single will," they completely ignore several of the storylines. No mention whatsoever is made of the Piper/Trickster arc or the Holly/Amazons arc. None. Not a syllable. So are we to supposed to assume that those arcs AREN'T part of our mysterious adversary's master plan? Have we been wasting our time following these stories (not that Trickster's constant homophobic jokes while the pair ping-pong from stupid slapstick encounter with powerful person to stupid slapstick encounter with powerful person needs justification)? Or, did we just run out of room to talk about them? Maybe you shouldn't have made 3 of those 17 pages splashes, huh?

Plus, the Mary Marvel/Eclipso arc gets exactly 1 sentence. Maybe the writers are as bored with it already as we are.

C) Sometimes, it seems like Dini et al have these wonderful story conferences where they work everything out, but they kind of forget that we weren't there, so they never actually explain it to us. Such as, twice in this issue, Asshole refers to our beloved Challengers of the Unknown as "space-time anomalies." Now, I've questioned this before--there's no conceivable way you can say Kyle Rayner is somehow a space-time anomaly, and the case is pretty week for Jason Todd and Donna Troy. Yet, Dini keeps running this out there again and again and again, without even an attempt to explain it.

Such as, Asshole describes Monarch's plan as, "He deliberately seeks to upset the balance, to destabilize the multiverse by staging a war across the 52 realities...resulting in a crisis that will, as has happened in the past, reducing the multiverse to one unified reality. A reality he intends to rule as absolute Monarch." See, this is great storytelling. Why bother to actually show us ANY of this, ANYWHERE, when you can just tell us? A major hero in the DC universe has gone evil and has an insane master plan? Why bother to show our readers, or give any characterization to justify this, when we can just have an exposition dump??

I could go on...but this issue made me feel like this:


One Countdown I do approve of is the countdown to my 100th post--coming Thursday night(ish), I promise it won't involve Pied Piper or the Trickster at all. Really. No promises about Karate Kid, though.

Mike Carlin Is a Pussy

Well, at least all of DC editorial is, and of course, since Mike Carlin is now sole editor on the blight that is Countdown, by extension he is chief pussy.

Let's go to the exact words: from Newsarama's weekly interview with the Countdown staff (MC is Mike Carlin and AB is Andy Beechen):

NRAMA: Over to Mary...how much of the old "Mary" is left? She's killed in cold blood, she's terrorized a region, she's teamed with Eclipso (who she knows is a villain) - all without any second thoughts or reservations...she's notacting like herself at all - or all that brightly, either...
MC: Again we maintain that Mary hasn't killed.
NRAMA: Okay – she changed people from a “living” state into stone, which is “not living” in issue #31. Technically, it’s not killing, I guess, But she didn't raise a fuss when Eclipso knocked the head off of one of the stone guards, which, if he ever gets turned back into flesh and blood, isn't conducive to living…but I digress…
MC: I was waiting… Anyway - she is doing a good job of being mean... And the old Mary is in there... But so is a healthy does of Black Adam - hence the not having second thoughts, reservations or acting completely like herself.
NRAMA: Your thoughts on that Adam?
AB: There's a number of forces at work inside Mary -- she's a creature of conflict right now, so her behavior isn't likely to be predictable or rational...in fact, she's likely decidedly shaded to the unpredictable and irrational. Mere proximity to Eclipso at this point probably doesn't help, either.

Hmmm. Let's go to the tape, shall we?

Carlin: We maintain that Mary hasn't killed.

Or...


Carlin: We maintain that Mary hasn't killed.

One more time:


Carlin: We maintain that Mary hasn't killed.

Now, Lord knows I've kvetched enough about the lame, morally bankrupt process of DC having their heroes turn into murderers, and then handing them magical "get out of jail free" cards, as all is forgiven. It's a lame story, it's been overdone to death, it robs the stories and characters of any moral impact. Yadda, yadda.

But this pathetic attempt (with assistant rationalization by the Newsarama interviewer) is so gutless, so cowardly, so bereft of common sense that it boggles the mind.

Maybe Mike Carlin sincerely believes that being turned to stone and beheaded isn't killing. Look at the preview for Countdown #28 below the interview: maybe he sincerely believes that NONE of the people Mary "ironically" punishes die as a result of her actions. Hey, if Greg Pak wants us to pretend the no one has ever died in a Hulk rampage, who knows, right? Not bloody likely, but let's grant him the silly argument.

But if that's the way you're going to play it, what's the point of turning Mary Marvel "evil?" If she's not going to do anything actually evil, and you're going to hit the moral reset button by or during Final Crisis, what is the freakin' lesson you want us to learn? That it's alright to turn to the Dark Side, as long as you only play pranks? That it's OK to be a whiny self-centered brat who sees being powerless as a sufficient reason to accept evil powers and evil advisers and kill (or not?) innocent powerless civilians? That it's OK to give in to temptation as long as you were a hero (and will be again after DC asserts that all is forgiven)?

What about the rationalizations that it's "Eclipso's proximity", or "part of Black Adam inside her," so she's not morally culpable? Well, she made the decisions that let those things happen, so she certainly bears some culpability, right? And if it all turns out to not be her responsibility, WHAT'S THE POINT OF TEH FREAKING STORY????????

DC hasn't the balls to truly turn a "good" character "evil," and keep them that way. And yet they keep trotting the plot device out again and again and again. They want the excitement (and no doubt extra sales) from the public's fascination with characters turning "dark," but are too afraid of offending long term fans, or damaging merchandising/media rights, or angering their corporate master...or maybe they just think the Comics Code is still in effect. They want a Punisher, but haven't the creative fortitude to stand by that decision.

Ask yourselves: what's the long-term fallout from Emerald Twilight? None: Hal Jordan is back and good again, the Guardians are back, and it turns out that any of the interesting Corps members that Jordan might have killed, well, surprise, they didn't die. Wonder Woman killing Max Lord? None: he had been a non-player in the DC universe for nearly a decade, and Wonder Woman never really faced justice, even amongst her fellow heroes. Jason Todd being a vicious murderer? None: apparently all is forgiven, and now he's a potential boyfriend for Donna Troy and a potential savior of the universe.

So now ask yourselves: what's the potential long-term fallout of Mary Marvel being evil? Yeah, you guessed it. So the real question is: why is DC wasting our time with this nonsense?

Snarky Questions About This Week's Books

Instead of reviews, which ain't my schtick, I've got some smart-ass questions which need answers.

A) What, the Batmobile drives from the right side? Is Bruce Wayne importing his vehicles from England??



B) I know DC heroes are frustratingly casual with their secret identities, but is this at all wise?


Seriously...taking the Titans out to a Kansas farm to meet Supergirl...isn't that just a bit risky, especially given that the Terminator's daughter and a kid who has sold his soul to the devil are members?? (Yes, I know the Supers flew a ways from the Kent spread before hooking up with the Titans, but c'mon now...)

Aside: When Identity Crisis started, I had hoped that the story was going to involve somehow having knowledge of everyone's secret ID's wiped out. I mean, how many hundreds of people know that Bruce is Batman and Clark Superman? It's not remotely credible that somewhere, somehow that information isn't going to leak out. Some sort of spell to wipe out knowledge of everyone's identities would fix that, and lead to some interesting stories about whom you'd trust with that info. But nope, instead they did a story where the Atom's ex-wife becomes a serial killer. Much better choice. Really.

C) Why is it that Search for Ray Palmer: Crime Society is infinitely better than anything they've given us in Countdown?

Perhaps because it involves absolutely zero about the search for Palmer, and virtually zero about our "Challengers of the Unknown." And it actually focused on the world where they were visiting, instead of just a bunch of cameos from natives, and no sniping between Kyle and Jason Todd. Seriously--whose idea was it to team these three together? Could there be a more annoying team (at least, more annoyingly written) in all of comics?

D) Why is it that in one page Paul Dini does more to explain and advance the "Athena's Shelters" storyline in one issue of Detective than they do in 20+ issues of Countdown, even though Paul Dini is allegedly in charge of that project? I mean seriously, is it that everyone else writing Countdown is so inferior?


Or is it that the weekly format is DESTROYING the series, because there ain't 52 weeks worth of story, so we've got to pace things very slowly to kill time until Final Crisis?

E) How come Bizarro Doomsday looks and acts exactly like regular Doomsday?


I mean, I was thrilled with the concept--Bizarro Doomsday...rad!! But shouldn't he be nice, or meek, or articulate, or in some way the opposite of regular Doomsday?!? Seriously, if they didn't tell you he was "Bizarro" Doomsday, you'd think he was just regular ol' Doomsday. This is why we have GOT to stop letting amateurs tell Bizarro stories.

F) Speaking of Richard Donner, when, exactly, was it decided that the Richard Donner Superman movies were part of the official Superman continuity?


I mean, does anybody like the Phantom Zone as the floating mirror thingy? Do we *really* have to declare that "the son of Jor-El will kneel before Zod?" What's next? Otis?

G) Why the hell isn't Blogger working properly today? Grrr.....damn you, Google!!

Pictures from, in order, JLA/Hitman #2, Supergirl #22, Countdown Presents: The Search for Ray Palmer: Crime Society #1, Detective Comics #837, Action Comics #856, and Countdown #30. Phew...

What If?® Marvel Wasn't So Greedy

Recently there's been a lot of complaining--definitely justified--about how DC is using the Countdown mess as an excuse to suck dollars out of pockets, with the near-infinite number of tie-ins and crossovers. (Hey, didn't you just break your promise not to complain about Countdown anymore? --Ed.) (No, I'm not blogging about Countdown, it's just a tangential reference --snell) (Yeah, right--Ed).

But let's face it, true believers, Marvel is doing the same thing. Yes, it's usually on a smaller scale--you could survive nicely without reading any World War Hulk crossovers, or X-Men Messiah, or Civil War: Power Pack. And yes, they're usually of much, much, much much better quality than Countdown (not that that's very difficult). (Hey--watch it! --Ed.)

But look what's available next month: that's right, it's What If? Planet Hulk. Now don't get me wrong...I love the concept of What If? But part of what's fun is with the premise is to see what the long-term differences in "history" would have been. If you're what iffing something that ended 5 minutes ago, we don't even know what the short-term implications of the event actually are...so it's hard for the audience to amazed, because the results can't be all that shocking, can they? If I did a "What If? You hadn't read this post," it wouldn't be terrible good or insightful, since we can't know how reading this post will impact your life. (Rather badly, I think --Ed.)

And this isn't a one-time thing, either. The December solicits have a What If? Civil War and a What If? Rise & Fall of the Shiar Empire. Again, since we haven't begun to see what the final fallout from those stories is, a what if things would be different is pretty silly, if you ask me. I wager you dollars to donuts that within 2 months we get a What If? Spider-Man One More Day, published 5 minutes after that story wraps up...and it shows us that everything woiuld have been terrible and awful if Straczynski hadn't ended it precisely the way he did.

Which leads me to one more cranky note: All too often, these immediate What If?s are written by the same author who wrote the original story it's based on (e.g. Pak & WI Planet Hulk). That screams a little bit of onanism to me...because 99% of the time the What If will have a dire, awful, "see how everything sucks" ending...so it really is just the authors' way of saying, "See, I told the story the best way possible the first time!! Love me." Yup, Pak is going to show us 3 different ways Planet Hulk and World War Hulk could have turned out...dude, if you didn't use those ideas the first time, I'm betting they were neither as good or interesting. What's the point? This is just a money grab, not a legitimate storytelling exercise.

Back off the What If?s, Marvel. Now. Especially since the Watcher is now a murder suspect. Uatu needs a break...