Ask Monstrobot--Who's Afraid Of Dinosaurs, Anyway?

Dear Monstrobot:

As a red-blooded American male, I have to ask--why is everybody so scared of dinosaurs?

I mean, Jurassic Park was cool and all, but those micro-brained, tiny-armed losers couldn't even survive a simple extinction event! How could they ever hope to succeed against a whole speices of extinction-events--mankind?!?

--Dude

Dude: You are an idiot.

Now, for the record, I'm not a dinosaur. I a robot monster (or a monster robot...it gets confusing sometimes). So I really don't have a dog in this fight.

Still, I think one thing is crystal clear: you humans would get your ass kicked pretty hard.

Now, earthly experiments to prove this are difficult, as man and dinosaur never co-existed, no matter what Michael Crichton and Stephen Spielberg tried to sell you.

Fortunately, there are other little playgrounds where we can test your ridiculous hypothesis. Take, for example, Sirius, the Dog Star (well, technically, on a planet circling that star--human comic book writers have always been kind of dim about the correct designation of astrological bodies).

Very full-of-himself American scientist Zeke "Pussycat" Jones hopped aboard a "satellite" to answer a distress call. And what did he find?

Now you're in for it, Jones!!

Ah, we have to love that patronizing attitude--putting down women AND everyone on Sirius in one word balloon!!

Ah, but he will learn:

Man, this guy really, really needs to be slapped.

And then, he completely rips off The Hunger Games:

Yow!!

It's only a temporary solution, though, as the dinosaur army begins its final assault!

And as for mocking their tiny arms?

D'oh!!

Fortunately, Pussycat Jones is a scientist (sort of). And since Sirius, despite having the means to steal satellites and transmit messages to Earth, has not invented air flight (or explosives!!), he use good old Earth know-how to scuttle the dinosaurs!

OK, genocide is definitely cheating.

Still, now I think you know why all the bees on Earth are vanishing--the dinosaurs are serreptitiuosly taking them out, clearing away the only obstacle blocking their big return.

So, in brief, prepare to die, humans.

--Monstrobot

From Forbidden Worlds #36 (1955)

Ask Monstrobot--One More Day?

Dear Monstrobot,

I'm a costumed adventurer who is very worried about the danger my life poses to my loved ones. Enough people know my secret identity that I fear I can't protect the ones I care about from villains who wish me harm.

I have come up with a pretty radical solution, but is it too radical? I have found a way to write my loved ones out of my life, in such a way that they can never be connected to me. Is this the right thing to do? Or is my author just trying to get rid of the inconvenience of having to script around inconvenient family members?
--One More Day


Dear OMD,

You must think you're dealing with an amateur here, huh? After that description, it's obvious who you really are: Catwoman!!

Hah!! I bet you (and the audience) thought I was going to say Spider-Man, huh? But I saw through your little subterfuge.

But don't worry: you've clearly succeeded in your plan, because while Spider-Man is getting savaged by every blogger out there, you've sailed under the radar, even though you're pulling the exact same stunt!! (Editor's note: obviously, until we see the final chapter of Spider-Man's One More Day, we can't be sure...but whatever the mechanism is, the outcome will be the same).

The editors and writers of Spider-Man obviously got tired of having him lug family matters around with him, so they went to great lengths to concoct a scenario that would force him to abandon his family in oder to save them. Through some magic deal or whatever, Mary Jane's going to be removed from his life, and we'll just go on.


With you? Well, after we solved your One Year Later mystery of who the kid's father was, and it turned out to not be Batman (clever Earth-2 feint with the Helena name, dear), everyone sort of lost interest. And apparently your creators felt exactly the same as Peter Parker's, because after several issues of putting Helena in danger, they waved the magic wand of a billionaire crime fighting friend to remove her from your life, just as if she were never there. Poof.

I can't say why Will Pfeiffer has gotten a free pass on this, while Joe Quesada and JMS are raked over the coals. Yeah, Spider-Man's execution has been so drawn out, so over hyped, and so clumsily executed, that it was bound to get the lion's share of the attention. But a lot of bloggers out there talk up Pfeiffer and your book, so you'd think that they'd have noticed by now that he's now virtually eliminated all of your supporting cast from the book, and made completely irrelevant One Year Later and what followed.

Maybe it's because, unlike Quesada, Dan DiDio had the good sense not to boast publicly that they wanted to get rid of your kid, and that writers had no idea what to do with her. They just removed her, quietly, at the same time Peter Parker was hogging the headlines for the same thing. Like robbing a small bank the same day Fort Knox is knocked off--who's going to notice??

So relax, Selina, you got away with it. You eliminated any pesky family connections that might spoil your mag for the fanboys who don't want to read about a single mom, and no one at all called you on it. Job well done.

Now go out there and be a thief again, OK? Evil's glad to have you back.

Ask Monstrobot--Omniscient Oracle

Dear Monstrobot,
I'm a data manager for a large network of powerful people. Lately I've been having some major security problems on our network, as "bad guys" seem intent on hacking our system.

Can you offer me some advice on how to safeguard our systems, before my employers end up crippled?
--Omniscient Oracle

Dear Oracle,
Barbara, Barbara, Barbara...please, why the pretense? My nephews have better avatars for World of Warcraft! Be yourself!

Anyway, your "problems" are signs of incompetence. but they also show a lot of potential for evil. But first there are a couple of facts you've got to face.

First, if you have such sensitive data on your computers, why in the world have it attached to a system that can be hacked?? Seriously, if the information is so sensitive, it shouldn't be on your mainframe connected to the internet...unless...

Secondly, and I'm not sure how to put this, but you really need to upgrade your physical security. I mean. C'mon. Babs, your inner sanctum (chortle) was breached (guffaw) by Karate Kid (bwa hahahahaha). I'm sorry, I shouldn't laugh, but I mean, Karate Kid? His power is, he knows karate?!?! OK, he has a flight ring, too...but he reached your inner sanctum without working up a sweat! And he's what, the 1,345th most powerful guy in the universe? Really, I don't see how you can keep any data secret if (snort) Karate Kid can just waltz in. What if someone really powerful wanted to break in? Maybe see Batman for some security tips.

Speaking of Batman, I've got to ask you: why do you need the home addresses of "every superhero in the world?" Is there a newsletter you mail out? Do you do their taxes for them? Send gift baskets on birthdays? Or maybe...

I can't help but recall that your mentor created the OMAC system, which was used to hunt down and eliminate superheroes. And you have all their civilian identities and addresses...why Barabara, have you turned to the dark side without telling us?!? We certainly could use someone as lovely as you on our team! Why else have all this dangerous data stored in easily violated security, while your "boss" has an evil plan requiring that data? I knew you couldn't really be that incompetent...you're really evil!

So my answer to you is to go for it, stop pretending to fight whoever is after you data. Give in to your evil urges, and slay, slay, slay!!

Ask Monstrobot: Sad Shellhead

Dear Monstrobot:

I'm a major industrialist who recently has undertaken a program to help make life better for everyone in America. I've sacrificed a lot, spent billions of my own money, and risked my own safety and sanity to bring about a better world for all.

My problem is that no one seems to appreciate what I've done. Many of my friends have abandoned me, and many of my former business allies have acted to undermine me. I used to have a lot of fans, but now I receive tons of hate mail every day.

My question is, why have my friends turned on me, when I only had their best interests at heart? How can I win my friends and fans back, Monstrobot?

Sad Shellhead

Dear Sad Shellhead:

Stop being such a mamby-pamby whiner. I've been following your career, and you've made impressive progress. Why, over the past year you've:
*killed dozens of people just to advance your political agenda
*imprisoned hundreds while denying habeus corpus and due process
*taken effective control of several your government's most powerful agencies
*committed acts of war against a sovereign nation
*invaded another dimension

Shellhead, this is a resumé that Victor Von Doom would be proud of!! Don't fret about a few hurt feelings amongst those obviously inferior to yourself! Instead, embrace your inner Monstrobot. Slay a few miscreants, remove a few more rights from your countrymen, and invade Canada!

You're already one of the most promising megalomaniacs in years. Please don't let a few hurt feelings by former "fans" stop your progress! Cowboy up, slay, and rule--it's your destiny!!