Manic Monday--The Birth Of Computo

And to think I ever made fun of the time the TRS-80 whooped Superman's butt:

Hmmm, I like the idea of training it to do my bidding...

Oh, so that's how Batman outsmarted the Riddler every time--with a $4.99 "electronic brain."

Yes, I'm sure Dad would love to give you access to his bank account, kids...and I'm doubly sure he'd love to have you correcting his math...

Yes, amaze your friends, as they turn you in to the NSA for having classified information!! Satellite re-entry?? Missile countdown?? Man, we'd better keep this thing out of al-Qaeda's hands!!

Technology that I will soon use to RULE THE WORLD is from an ad in Silver Surfer #3 (1968).

What The #$%^--Superman and Radio Shack

Well, if you recall yesterday's epic battle, Superman got his ass kicked by a TRS-80. No, seriously.

OK, that just sounds so...odd. So let's journey back to the end of the disco era, when Bill Gates was just beginning to dream of world domination: 1980. Or: look what snell found in the quarter bin!:

Wow.

Compliments of Radio Shack?!? A free comic?!?! And no strings attached...except for DC trying to shove TRS-80's down our throat.

I've seen DC freebie comics before (kids--this was long before anyone had dreamed up Free Comics Day!), but usually they were public service type things: the New Teen Titans telling us not to do drugs, or some such. But I'd never seen one whose sole purpose was merely a commercial for some non-DC company.

And this thing is entirely a commercial for Radio Shack, and its exciting new affordable computer. Every ad in the book is for Radio Shack and their goods, and the entire story is how the TRS-80 helps Superman save the day. Hell, even the official title of the book is "Superman in 'The Computers That Saved Metropolis.'"

And that story? Superman shows up at Ms. Wilson's sixth-grade class, bearing two mysterious boxes, which he describes as "very special equipment." First, though, Superman gives the class a lecture on the history of the computer, and how important they will be in modern life, including this diagram:

Ahh, advanced computing...Anyway, Superman reveals that the mysterious boxes contain two TRS-80's for the class!! Why Superman is the delivery boy, and why he's so hot for Radio Shack, is never really explained. Maybe he owned stock...

After a brief distraction to save Metropolis from a freak tornado, Superman returns to class, and is challenged by the children to compete against the computers. This is where yesterday's Friday Night Fights starts, so go take a look if you want to refresh your memory. All set?

So why did Superman lose? Well, as the cover showed us, our super-villain today is Major Disaster, and he had one clever-ass plan:





Yes, "far too obvious" to actually kill him. What a nimrod. Major Disaster is a loser even in a non-canonical commercial sell-out...

So anyway, the net effect of Disaster's devious ploy? Superman can't use his super-brain to control his super-powers any more:

So when Major Doofus goes on TV to announce that he's going to unleash 3 disasters upon Metropolis that Superman can't stop, we know the game is up. Except he didn't plan for: THE COMPUTER WHIZ KIDS (sponsored by Radio Shack...)!!

Yup, Superman is going to have 2 sixth-graders and the mind-numbingly fast TRS-80 guide him in how to save the day!! Sure, you may have thought the TRS-80 was only good for using BASIC to continually scroll dirty words on the screens at your local Radio Shack, but watch it save Metropolis here:





Well, after two more incredibly tense disasters, Superman effortlessly captures Major Diasaster--offscreen!! And while talking to the press...well, no more pretense of story here!! Superman just becomes a complete shill, while cheating WGBS out of potential advertising income:



Wow. This makes the whole Hostess Fruit Pie thing look like a bulwark of ethical integrity, huh?

Let's take a quick peek at a couple of the completely coincidental ads in this comic:

First, the very first "Dummies" book

Next, a big choice to make

Next, why Superman really lost: Networking=magic...and only $500 for a router!

Fianlly, an indication of how little we actually knew about computers in 1980:

Questions: Exactly how much did DC pull in leasing out America's greatest hero to be a computer huckster? Why Major Disaster, and not a more recognizable villain? Were there any other of these commercial sell-outs, with other heroes or other products, that I don't know about?

Well, that concludes our tour of 1980 cross-promtional selling-out, enticing children to beg their parents for "computers" that would be obsolete in 12 nanoseconds. It's hard to imagine such a blatant bit of commercial pandering these days. They were simpler times, those days...Then again, if Superman drinking Coke a couple of times per issue, or Spider-Man pointing out the virtues of a Ford Taurus, can keep the price of our comics from rising above $2.99, well, pander away, gentlemen!!

Friday Night Fights--Radio Shack Style!!

There are some battles so epic, so groundbreaking, so devastatingly awesome, that the mere comics panel cannot hope to contain them. This is one of them:

That's right, Superman vs. a TRS-80.

Now you may be saying to yourself, Kal-El is from Krypton, and has 10th-level super-intelligence (at least pre-Crisis). Well, my friends, that is absolutely nothing against the 4K power of a TRS-80. Let's watch round one in the seminal example of man versus machine, shall we?





A tie. A TIE?? A being who could fly faster than the speed of light couldn't think faster than a 1980 computer?

Of course, in fairness, letting the girl write the whole program before starting the race is a little unfair, wouldn't you say? Surely an evaluation of how fast it is should include how long it takes to set up before it could solve the problem.

But we're not about fairness around these parts!! Let's go to the more challenging round two--geometry!!

Uh-oh, Man of Steel, this guy looks like trouble...









HOLY SHIT, Superman got pwned by the TRS-80!! What a knockout!! (And no wonder the Legion got its clock cleaned by Computo, if this is any example of how man vs. machine is gonna go!!)

But don't forget the post-knockout trash talk:

Ooooh, Superman, this is pretty ugly. Forget about Brainiac, or Superman vs. Terminator, or Superman vs. the Matrix. Earth is now clearly doomed, because the Man of Tomorrow has been bitch-slapped by the computer of yesterday.

Now, I know you all have questions: Why the hell was Superman pimping TRS-80's? Who is the mysterious super-villain behind this shattering defeat? Can Kal-El get is groove back? And in general, WHAT THE #$%^ IS GOING ON HERE??

All will be answered in tomorrow's post, I promise. In the meantime, remember that one being can kick HAL 9000's ass at converting farenheit to celcius: Bahlactus!! Word.

Credit for this week's most unusual Friday Night Fights ever goes to Cary Bates, Jim Starlin, and Dick Giordano.