Tales From The Quarter Bin--For Your WWII RPG Needs!!

Here at Slay Monstrobot, we're all about helping you plan fun activities with friends. And so, at no small expense (cough cough Quarter Bin cough cough), we've provided you with some top secret army files to give you a head start on building characters for you WWII role-playing game!

See--it says "Secret Army Files"!! I'm not sure how they ended up in a comic book, but there you are!

We should note that, post-Crisis, we had a retcon that revealed "Mademoiselle Michelle" was an honorary code name named bestowed upon France's top agent, at least as far back as the French Revolution, and continuing in modern day. So feel free to use that tidbit to spice up your player character!!

From DC Super-Stars #15 (1977)

The Dangerous Lifestyle Of Comic Book Creators!!

There are some comic books that blow up your brains.

And then there's this one:

W.
T.
F?

Now, you may want to dismiss this as a "symbolic" cover, or a joke cover.

No, no, no. This is Bob Haney, folks. And this is an honest-to-God comic story about how criminals try to force Jim Aparo to draw a scene where Batman dies so he'll really die and they'll get away with their crimes.

Prepare to go the rabbit hole, kids...

Our plot, such as it is, involves Sgt. Rock teaming up with Batman to find a hijacked shipment of "M-76" rifles, which a group of masked whackos called The Thousand are using for random terror attacks to spread fear and discord.

Say what you will about Haney, but he threw out more ideas in one story than most writers come up with in a year.

Detective works leads our heroes to a locker at the bus station...

Oops, time for the artist to take a break before drawing the next panel!

You read that right: these nutters stole Haney's script, and replaced it with one where Rock and Batman died--and now they're trying to force Jim Aparo to draw it, so it will really happen!!

Fortunately, comics artists are smooth customers!

Well, there is one exit--a tiny air vent that Aparo is just small enough to fit through!!

Then...

What...? Huh?!?! Who the hell lived in an "abandoned reconditioned lighthouse"?!?!??!

But is Aparo in time to save Batman?

YES!!!

Yup, it's time for Bob Haney himself to turn up!!

That's editor Murray Boltinoff, by the way...

So, let's take a second to think about how these cosmic mechanics work. Jim Aparo draws something, and it effects Batman and Rock? But the script doesn't, not until Aparo actually draws it?!? Does that mean Aparo is God or something?? Or is only effecting stuff in Batman's comic book universe?!? But, if that's the case, then why do the Thousand in the "real" world care what happens in the comic book universe?!? But....but....but...

[Editor's Note: snell had to go get some alcohol to finish this post.]

Anyway...

Aparo keeps drawing ridiculous twists and coincidences that allow Batman and Rock to survive attacks by the Thousand:

And...

Meanwhile, prepare for your head to hurt again!

This story...this story...WHAT THE HELL?!?!?!?!?!

This is like Duck Amuck except terrorists are forcing Bugs Bunny to kill Daffy so they can....

Anyway, Boltinoff and Haney continue to talk Aparo through how to draw Batman and Rock winning...

 But then the Thousand find out where Aparo is!

So Haney tells Aparo to draw Batman and Rock rescuing him in an exciting helicopter/boat chase!

All's well that ends well!

And this explains why sometimes comics are late. Because terrorists try to make them kill their characters. Or something like that...

From The Brave And The Bold #124 (1976)

The Best Cover You've Never Seen--DC Superstars #15 (1977

A tale so big, a regular war comic couldn't hold it:

Yes, seeing Joe Kubert draw the living hell out of Sgt. Rock and the Unknown Soldier disguised as Sgt. Rock fighting over Mlle. Marie while Nazi missiles stand erect in the background just might be the most Freudian thing you've seen all week.

The cover blurb's a total lie, though--neither one wants to kill Marie. Rather, she desperately wants to kill the Unknown Soldier, because he had deliberately sacrificed the lives of her fellow French freedom fighters in order to preserve his own mission. Nice guy.

Anyway...

"Battle Doll of the French Underground"?!?!

Keep heapin' those corpses high, Bob Kanigher. Keep heapin' 'em high.

Friday Night Fights--Losing Your Head Style!!

One of the reasons I started this carny sideshow of a blog is because I wanted to participate in Friday Night Fights.

So, it's only fitting that for my 10th Blogiversary, I present the grandest Friday Night Fight EVER.

It's a hot summer in the North African desert--it's always summer in the desert--and Easy Company has been beset upon by German troops, German APC's, and a British Spitfire that thought they were Germans. Rough day.

Too rough, as Sergeant Rock seems to flake out a little bit...

Whaaaatt?!?

OK, so now it's ON!!

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

Don't worry, Rock didn't have to take on the whole platoon by himself with only a sword and shield...

Easy showed up to take them out...

Spacebooger would likes how they set up a sequel story that never happened...

Full-on actual beheading courtesy of Sgt. Rock #373 (1983), by Robert Kanigher and "Trebuk etc." GCD informs us that's a pseudonym for the Joe Kubert School...

Now is the time for you to go and vote for my fight. Why? BECAUSE SGT ROCK JUST SEVERED A NAZIS HEAD WITH A SCIMITAR!!!!! Now go vote!!