That Time The Vision Went On The Tonight Show With Charo And Pee-Wee Herman!

You remember back in the day when John Byrne ruined the Vision, right?

Well, he almost redeemed himself by having the Vision go on Johnny Carson.

See, it turns out that after his transformation, no one recognized our favorite syntheziod:

Gee, a little bit of self-aware commentary there, Mr. Byrne?

Well, the Vision takes that advice to heart...

And, in his logical mind, the best move is...

To interrupt a taping of the Tonight Show!!

And based on the audience reaction...

...yeah, he really does need the PR!

Johnny knows how to roll with the unexpected...

Did I mention Charo was a guest that night?

Sigh...

Well, Vision's TV appearance was no doubt effect, but it also amused the hell out of his teammates:

Reminder: you were only allowed to be on Byrne's West Coast Avengers if you wore red and/or black, or gave up color altogether. No one knows why...

From Avengers Spotlight #23 (1989)

Hawkeye Is Better Than Green Arrow--Proven With SCIENCE!!!!!

Some people, it seems, disagreed with my statement yesterday that "there is no possible universe in which Green Arrow will ever be as cool as Hawkeye."

Well, not to stir a tempest in a teapot, but my statement was empirically, objectively, logically and certifiably true.

 VS.

Let's go to the science, shall we? [FYI, we're going with comic book incarnations here. Which actually levels the playing field a bit, as MCU Hawkeye blew up Loki with an exploding arrow]

ORIGIN:
Oliver Queen is the original 1%-er, a billionaire. Not a particularly good one, as he's lost and restored his fortune more times than DC has announced and changed plans for a Wonder Woman film. He became a hero because that's what billionaires did back then.

Hawkeye was an orphan who ran away and joined the circus. Literally. And was taught to be a marksman by a super-villain.

Easy win for Hawkeye.

COSTUME:
People like to make fun of Hawkeye's purple outfit.

And that's OK. Because the thing actually looks pretty good in the hands of a good artist:

And most people forget about this one:

PHWOOOOAARRRRRR!!!

I'll take that over ersatz Robin Hood any day.

OTHER POWERS:
Green Arrow fires arrows. And more arrows.

Clint Barton, however, also was...

GOLIATH.

Another clear decision for Hawkeye.

HOTTER GIRLFRIEND:

I'm not sure that this is a valid criteria, but let's play anyway.

Sure, Oliver has had, in some continuities, a long-term relationship with Black Canary.

Of course, despite having a hot girlfriend, Green Arrow has had multiple (multiple) infidelities, and a string of illegitimate children (apparently he never packed the condom arrow). And Dinah dumped him (more than once).

And I really think you're selling Hawkeye's hot girlfriend/wife short:

And let's not forget--Clint Barton has probably the ultimate tie-breaker:

So, yeah...Black Widow AND Mockingbird. Pretty clear win for the Hawkster.

SIDEKICK:

I'm pretty sure that this hasn't happened to Kate Bishop yet:

Another win for Hawkguy!

GREATEST TRIUMPHS:

Well, Hawkeye once beat the Collector, all by himself, after all of the other Avengers had been captured.

Oh, yeah, and Hawkeye also once beat the Grandmaster all by his lonesome, after all of the East and West Coast Avengers were all killed (they got better).

Meanwhile, Green Arrow had a tough time with this guy.

This is getting repetitive. A win for Hawkeye!!

LEADERSHIP: 

Hawkeye was chairman and founder of the West Coast Avengers.

Hawkeye was leader of the Thunderbolts for quite awhile, getting super-villains to go straight, and turning them into effective heroes.

Green Arrow once led...well, he once...well, erm...as near as I can tell, Oliver Queen has never been in charge of anything (except for failing businesses). He's more interested in reflexively arguing with whomever is in charge...

I think you know where this is going...

RANDOM POINTS:

They both died and came back. A toss-up, unless you want to give Ollie demerits for being revived by the Hal Jordan Spectre.

Hawkeye went back in time to ye olde West, and fought Kang with the Two-Gun Kid.

Green Arrow had an Arrow Cave and an Arrow-Mobile and an Arrow-Signal...and obviously the world's biggest case of Batman envy.

Green Arrow's beard, man...that chin hair...

Green Arrow has killed crooks. A lot. Big demerits in my book.

Well, none of that is enough to sway the final results: Hawkeye 1,000,000,000 and Green Arrow 0.

Sorry, Green Arrow fans--it's science!

Hawkeye's Second Greatest Moment!

We've already seen how, with all of the other Avengers captured, Hawkeye beat the Collector all by his lonesome.

Well, that wasn't Clint Barton's only solo triumph over cosmic beings.

The Grandmaster, because he's a dickweed, has captured Death, and wants to trigger a new Big Bang. But, because he's addicted to games, he has to give someone a chance to stop him.

But all of the East And West Coast Avengers, well, kind of died during Round I, except for Hawkeye and Cap. And there's no way they're going to survive Round II.

Until Hawkeye has an idea...

Oh, Clint.

Look, Hawkeye has defeated TWO of the Elders Of The Universe...all by himself!! That's some Thanos level shit there, folks.

So there's my series pitch--Hawkeye traveling around, beating cosmic threats with carny tricks and sly charm.

Tell me you wouldn't read the hell out of that book...

From Avengers Annual #16 (1987)

Don't Take Me Out To This Ballgame!

As we await Major League Baseball's wrath to come down on A-Rod and other purported PED users, perhaps we should take a minute to appreciate to true majesty of how baseball should be played:

Oh, dear.

Just this splash page has so many things that cause me pain...

A) Exactly 5 1/2 pages of the 52-page story take place in the Astrodome, the rest in space or on an astral plane. Apparently, 10% of the story is enough to justify the abysmal pun of the title. Steve Englehart or Steve Miller? You decide...

B) I'm generally no fan of Al Milgrom's artwork, but man, this takes the cake. Trying to fit the entire diamond onto the splash page has forced the jettisoning of all sense of perspective. It's not even a diamond anymore!! And Black Knight's lead off of first base is what, 80% of the way to second? How long are those basepaths? They're obviously smaller than 90 feet, unless the Avengers have grown in to giants. (Yes, softball does have 60 foot basepaths. But they're playing on a pre-existing, AstroTurf field, so it's not like they could easily put in new basepaths, etc. And even if it is 60 feet instead of 90, the proportions still suck!)

Sigh...

And despite the caption:

They're clearly not playing softball, because Wonder Man is clearly pitching overhand, not underhand (MILGROM!!):

Also, a softball game is 7 innings, not nine.

And Thor's not using a bat. Come on, now, cheating much.

Surely we can count on Captain America to set thing right!

Sigh.

Cap, softball isn't the Great American pastime, baseball is (ENGLEHART!!). Did you forget that while frozen?

And I'm sorry, Cap, but pitching and defense are part of baseball. A 417-413 game is not a "credit" to anything except video games (or cricket, perhaps). To get that score, each team would have to average 43 runs per inning, going through their line-up at least 4 times before being retired. I can't think of anything more boring...And the time it would take!! Super-villains must salivate waiting for this annual game, knowing the teams will be tied up for days!!

It must be Cap's super-steroids talking there...

Anyhoo...

"The game of his life??" Your side has given up 413 runs!!! (Granted, perhaps he's only a reliever, but then he's allowed to bases to become loaded and the tying run to come to plate.) I'd hate to see one of his less impressive games...

Great, Avengers...you broke the Astrodome! Now they'll never let you play there again!

Ridiculous home run displays, offense out of control, plays that made no sense...perhaps the "steroid era" of baseball began much earlier than thought...

From West Coast Avengers Annual #2 (1987)