EXCLUSIVE--Rejected Script From DC's Doomsday Clock!!

As we all know, both the UN Security Council and the Illuminati have banned me from writing comic books.

Still, I feel compelled from time to time to try and sneak some things through the anti-snell firewall.

Case in point--DC's forthcoming Doomsday Clock, which will feature Geoff Johns giving every fan what they've always wanted: Alan's Moore's beloved Watchmen characters explaining why it's not Geoff John's fault that the nu52 sucked really hard.

On the sly, I submitted a script. Of course, despite a jaunty pseudonym, I couldn't disguise my writing style, and the script was swiftly rejected. And shredded. And burned.

Still, I had the foresight to save a copy. So here is a crucial scene from the 1st issue of my proposal for Doomsday Clock.

DOCTOR MANHATTAN: Behold, Kal-El, I have come to--

SUPERMAN: Hold on a second...you're just a Captain Atom knock-off!

RORSCHACH: Hrrrmmm.

BATMAN: And this guys just Travis Bickle meets The Question. Seriously, how can characters so derivative be a threat to our universe?

BOOSTER GOLD (whispers to SKEETS): Yeah, like those Metal "Dark Multiverse" Batmen weren't derivative...

OZYMANDIAS: I think you're underestimating the sheer genius I bring to the table!

BATMAN: Some genius. You kept your entire masterplan--unencrypted!!--on a computer with the password Ramses II. I mean, how stupid was that? Even the lame Nite Owl was able to crack that!

NITE OWL: Now wait just one--

FLASH: Who are you even supposed to be, anyway? Are you Batman, are you Blue Beetle...?

BOOSTER GOLD: I knew Ted Kord. I worked with Ted Kord. You, sir are no Ted Kord.

DOCTOR MANHATTAN: Listen, men of Earth-0. We successfully deconstructed the super-hero genre on our Earth, and now--

HAL JORDAN (Makes raspberry sound): Please. You had one person with super-powers in the entire universe. Even the earliest Golden Age publishers had more than that. All you "deconstructed" was the Charlton universe, and, well, there's a reason that failed multiple times!!

OZYMANDIAS: I think you're overlooking how brilliantly I manipulated the world into peace!!

SUPERMAN: Congratulations. You invented fake news. Well done. We already have enough of that here.

BATMAN: Don't forget the thousands and thousands of deaths he's responsible for. Which he conveniently didn't have to pay any price for.

RORSCHACH: Soon you will come to us for help. And we will look down and whisper--

FLASH: Don't you idiots realize that you're the villains? You're. The. Bad. Guys. You screwed up your tiny little universe with one planet and only one guy with powers. You couldn't handle even that much, so you took your world to the brink of annihilation, killing millions--and you want extra credit for that? Get bent.

DOCTOR MANHATTAN (clearing his throat loudly): A-HEM. As I was saying, we have come to... [drones on in background]

BATMAN (whispers to SUPERMAN): Keep him talking. My tachyon suit is almost ready. I'll take care of him.

BOOSTER GOLD: (whispering to SKEETS): Yeah, as long as Doc Manhattan doesn't have a mother named Martha...

Well, it just goes on like for 12 issues.

I wonder why they rejected it?

Spoiler Sunday--Whither Kon-El?!?

WARNING: this post contains SPOILERS for this week's Flash #21 and Action Comics #978. If you haven't read 'em yet, come on back later!!

Poor DC. They never, ever know how to pull the band-aid off quickly.

It's been 11 months since the Rebirth special, and almost everywhere we're still treading water, as if they're waiting for some more cocktail napkin scribblings from Geoff Johns before they dare proceed because they really have no idea what's actually happening in this "story." Even double-publishing their big titles every month, a year later we're no closer to understanding what the hell is going on

Hell, we haven't even had the reveal of who our "villains" are yet, which makes this even more dragged out than the pre-Crisis Monitor cameos. Yes, yes, we know who they are...which makes the whole "gee, who is behind all this" even more frustrating.

At this rate, this whole Rebirth project--whose sole purpose is to (re)(de)(un)boot the fiasco of Flushpoint/nu52--is going to take 3 years. Check back in 2020 to see if I'm wrong.

Still, this last week's comics have made clear that the prime motivation of DC is indeed to largely reinstall the continuity of post-Crisis DC...yet somehow keep the stuff they like about the nu52.

Man, that's going to be messy and awful.

Flash #21, for example, pretty firmly reestablishes that the Justice League was formed in the way we had always known, and that you wasted your time and money reading the Geoff Johns/Jim Lee version:

Oh, and that also told us that Identity Crisis is back in continuity, because who didn't miss that charming tale of rape, brainwashing, jealous ex-spouses walking in people's brains, and heroes no longer being heroic?

But the biggest actual confirmed changes are in Superman's life story, as Action Comics very firmly says that the five year timeline of the nu52 is to be forgotten, and that virtually everything post Byrne-reboot is back as official history. But most (some?) of the nu52 happened, too!

His first meeting with Lois, for example:

Note that this confirms that Kal-El did, at one point, wear the red trunks!! So there's really no reason they can't go back to it...

But note--this also means that the Grant Morrison/young Superman in blue jeans and a home-made cape stories from nu52 Action never happened!! Poor Grant--flushed from continuity again!

And Superman's own memories--and the data crystals at the Fortress of Solitude--confirm that pretty much everything post-Crisis did indeed happen in the current Superman's history:

But he still adopted the terrible nu52 costume at some point...

And all of the nu52 stories happened--except for the ones that didn't, like the dalliance with Wonder Woman, or Clark quitting the Daily Planet to be a blogger, or....well, hold on, we'll have to wait for Geoff Johns to tell us what's what.

Oh, but not everything post-Crisis is back on the table. Take this discussion of the Death Of Superman (which definitely occurred):

Wait...one, two, three...somebody's missing...

Oh, yeah, that guy!!

So, really...Conner Kent/Kon-El Kent, clone created from DNA of both Superman and Lex Luthor, the best incarnation of Superboy, isn't coming back with everyone else??

Others have pointed out, they didn't definitively say he wasn't part of the new history--they just didn't list him. Even though they had plenty of room. Maybe. But dude, they made room to show Space Gladiator Kal-El, so you'd think they squeeze in a guy whose own series lasted 102 issues and was a member of Titans and the Legion, if they wanted to,

And as still others have noted, DC is releasing reprint trades of Superboy's series later this year, and that must mean they have plans for him, right? Sorry, I can't agree there--DC is also releasing reprints of Night Force, and I'll wager they're not coming back. No, DC is in a position where they have to keep releasing reprint collections, so they'll have as many as previous years, or their sales will go down versus previous years and someone will be canned, so everything they can tidy up is being reprinted, whether it's relevant to current plans or not.

It seems that DC is so intent on building up their current Superboy, Jon Kent, that they don't want to reestablish the clone Superboy, despite his being a pretty vital part that era of DC history (Legion! Young Justice! Titans! Ravers! The Superman Family!). So much for Rebirth restoring legacy to the DCU!

Of course, this could all be resolved when Geoff Johns mumbles something in his sleep that the listening device in his quarters passes on to DC as holy writ. But for now, it sure likes DC is restoring post-Crisis continuity, but going out of their way to exclude the best incarnation of Superboy. What a shame.

The Day DC Geography Changed Forever!!!

If you know me at all, you know I've wasted a ridiculous portion of my adult life trying figure the perplexities of DC Geography, specifically the location of their "extra" cities, and most specifically the locations of Gotham City and Metropolis.

I've studied highway signs, and more highway signs, and pursued many a clue, to no real success.

They're both cities with seaports, they're relatively close...and that's about it. Most people go for Connecticut and New Jersey, but the frighteningly inconsistent informational crumbs DC has tossed out leave most of the northeastern seaboard--anywhere from Massachusetts to Maryland being a possibility.

But sometimes, a piece of information gets unveiled, which, well, changes your entire worldview.

In this week's Batman #21 (don't worry, spoiler free), there's a hockey game playing in the early pages...and the announcers tell us this:

Wait Wait Wait WAIT!!!!!!!!

Both Gotham City and Metropolis are in the WESTERN Conference?!? What the...

Look, I'll be the first to admit that sports conference/division alignments can be a bit less than geographically accurate. Sometimes there's tradition; sometimes there's difficulty to getting teams to agree to switching divisions when one team relocates; sometimes there seems to be no reason. The Dallas Cowboys are in the NFC East because no one wanted to break up their rivalries. For two decades Atlanta and Cincinnati played in baseball's NL West, while Chicago and St. Louis played in the NL East. Go figure.

Still, it be exceptionally rare for one team physically on the east coast to be assigned to play in the Western Conference. Two would be pretty much insane. If for no other reason than the travel burdens on those teams--most of their games would be in their own conference, so their travel time/expenses would be astronomical compared to other teams in the own conference! I'm not saying it couldn't happen...just that (on our Earth, at least), it probably wouldn't happen.

So if Gotham and Metropolis are both seaports AND play in the Western Conference, well...is DC telling us that they're on the West Coast?!?

I know I jokingly toyed with clues in The Dark Knight Rises that sorta could have been taken to imply that Gotham City was in California, but seriously?

For what it's worth, the snow we've seen in both cities probably puts southern California right out of the picture. Northern California? Oregon? Washington?

The bigger question is--are we meant to take this seriously? Have Metropolis and Gotham always been on the west coast? Or just since nu52, or Rebirth, and this is a clue that someone is mucking with reality?

Or maybe it's just a writing/lettering/editing snafu....

Finally, The True Origin Of The Joker?

Let us travel back to ye olden days in Europe...

See?!? That's so obviously the Joker, that--

Oh. Never mind.

Still, this brings to mind a question--is the Joker the last major character (recent creations excepted) to not actually have an origin, to have his creation myth shrouded and hidden from the readers?

Wolverine's origin wasn't revealed for decades, but Marvel got to it (eventually)--hell, they even made a movie out of it!

The Phantom Stranger's beginnings were deliberately kept cloudy--famously, there was an issue of Secret Origins in the 1980s that coyly posited 4 different possible origin stories for the Stranger, without committing to any of them being the actual "truth".

Of course, once the nu52 came along, literal-minded DC ended all that: "He's Judas--deal with it!"

Yet despite insisting on ending the mystery of the one character whose mystique perhaps depended on mystery, DC has insisted on keeping the truth of the Joker's origin mum. He was Red Hood! He was a failed comedian! He was a vicious criminal! He's a super-genius whose spine is filled with mysterious fluid that can turn anyone into a Joker! He's immortal! He's a floor wax! He's a dessert topping!

Of course, we're now at the point where Geoff Johns has made it canon that there are 3 Jokers, without any explanation. (I picture Johns grinning foolishly at that little turd he left in DC's bowl as he walked away from writing comics, knowing that no one there would have the guramba to flush it away or do anything with it...)

Does it serve any purpose to keep the Joker's origin so shrouded? At best, it allows unrestrained writers to keep making The Clown Prince Of Crime more and more powerful, as he's escalated from a bank robber with a shtick to an insane nihilist to Maximus The Mad, trying to bring down all society and powerful enough to take out the whole Justice League (but not Batman--he's the bestest!).

That's one symbol of what's been going on at DC the past decade--we must completely define the Phantom Stranger, but we must keep the Joker free to grow more and more powerful and dangerous to better show off how cool Batman is.

So, since DC won't give us a Joker origin--for any of the three (!)--feel free to use the story above. Except for the "he died" part...

From The Beyond #8 (1952)

Spoiler Saturday--Scooby-Doo Team-Up #16

The best comic book out this week, by far?

This one:

Yup.

And now I'm going to spoil the living hell out of it. Because I know not you're believing me on how beautiful it is, and I need to convince you to buy it when you head into your Local Comics Shoppe today for FCBD.

So after the 3 Scooby Doo pictures, spoilage commences. Come back later if you don't want to be spoiled....

OK, spoilers commence!

#1 cool thing about this story? While the cover maintains the ridiculous "SHAZAM Family" facade, in the interior Solly Fisch gives zero fraks about ridiculous corporate diktats:

Yup, they're called by their traditional names, and referred to as "The Marvel Family" throughout. Take that, nu52 idiots!!

#2 cool thing about this story?

Tawky Tawny and Uncle Marvel, completely unironically. Because old school, fools!!

#3 cool thing about this comic book (and honestly, the coolest)?

Yeah, they went there.

#4 cool thing about this book?

Mar-Velma tricks IBAC into turning back into a mortal...

...while Freddy totally pulls an "updog" on SABBAC:

Gotta love dumb villains.

#5 cool thing about this book: Old Man Shazam reveals how Shaggy and Velma transformed:

Look, I haven't bought any issues of Scooby Doo Team-Up before this. But this issue is making me reconsider that stance.

And given that it's been 4+ years since Geoff Johns ruined reinvented the Marvel Family as a concept, yet ZERO creators at DC seem in the least bit interested in doing anything whatsoever with the new concept, this is the best dose of Shazam that we're going to get for awhile.

So go buy it, and enjoy!

LoisThe Vulcan!

Just another day in Metropolis...

What the what, now?

Professor Denison is just the tiniest bit crazy.

She was Lana Lang's professor at Hudson University, and Lana's number one fan. So when Lois "stole" Superman from Lana, well, she decided to take matters in to her own hands:

Even mad scientists are right once in awhile, it turns out, as...

On the way home...

See, the "emotional lobotomy" also turned Lois into a typical resident of the nu52:

Well, that was harsh.

Anyway, it turns out that the emotional lobotomy is permanent--Lois breaks lunch dates with her sister, and is rude to widows. Ouch.

But she decides to fake still loving Superman, because, well, it's a good career move?!?

Damn...Lois has been transformed into DC's editorial hierarchy, compelled to keep publishing Superman even though they find him boring and cold!!

Oh, don't worry, fans. It turns out that Professor Denison's "emotional lobotomy" was really just advanced hypnosis, and Kal-El managed to cure Lois with a little super-dickery. The End.

Still haven't found a cure for the emotional lobotomy afflicting DC, though...

From Lois Lane #109 (1971)

An Unwelcome Reminder: DC Hates Everything You Ever loved

Hey, you all remember Hour-Man, one of the earliest super-heroes, created 75 years ago this year, right?

And you remember how his son took up that mantle, becoming Hourman?

And you remember how that heroic legacy lived on, inspiring heroes for centuries to come?

Well, in case you had forgotten, this is the week that DC decided to shit all over that legacy:

DC: We hate our own characters so much, that we will continue to cover them with feces and turn them into your worst nightmares.

This is why it's a good thing that DC hasn't revived Johnny Thunder, no matter what I said yesterday. Because the nu52 Johnny Thunder would no doubt be juggling dead babies while violating nuns on the cover...