The Dangerous Lifestyle Of Comic Book Creators!!

There are some comic books that blow up your brains.

And then there's this one:

W.
T.
F?

Now, you may want to dismiss this as a "symbolic" cover, or a joke cover.

No, no, no. This is Bob Haney, folks. And this is an honest-to-God comic story about how criminals try to force Jim Aparo to draw a scene where Batman dies so he'll really die and they'll get away with their crimes.

Prepare to go the rabbit hole, kids...

Our plot, such as it is, involves Sgt. Rock teaming up with Batman to find a hijacked shipment of "M-76" rifles, which a group of masked whackos called The Thousand are using for random terror attacks to spread fear and discord.

Say what you will about Haney, but he threw out more ideas in one story than most writers come up with in a year.

Detective works leads our heroes to a locker at the bus station...

Oops, time for the artist to take a break before drawing the next panel!

You read that right: these nutters stole Haney's script, and replaced it with one where Rock and Batman died--and now they're trying to force Jim Aparo to draw it, so it will really happen!!

Fortunately, comics artists are smooth customers!

Well, there is one exit--a tiny air vent that Aparo is just small enough to fit through!!

Then...

What...? Huh?!?! Who the hell lived in an "abandoned reconditioned lighthouse"?!?!??!

But is Aparo in time to save Batman?

YES!!!

Yup, it's time for Bob Haney himself to turn up!!

That's editor Murray Boltinoff, by the way...

So, let's take a second to think about how these cosmic mechanics work. Jim Aparo draws something, and it effects Batman and Rock? But the script doesn't, not until Aparo actually draws it?!? Does that mean Aparo is God or something?? Or is only effecting stuff in Batman's comic book universe?!? But, if that's the case, then why do the Thousand in the "real" world care what happens in the comic book universe?!? But....but....but...

[Editor's Note: snell had to go get some alcohol to finish this post.]

Anyway...

Aparo keeps drawing ridiculous twists and coincidences that allow Batman and Rock to survive attacks by the Thousand:

And...

Meanwhile, prepare for your head to hurt again!

This story...this story...WHAT THE HELL?!?!?!?!?!

This is like Duck Amuck except terrorists are forcing Bugs Bunny to kill Daffy so they can....

Anyway, Boltinoff and Haney continue to talk Aparo through how to draw Batman and Rock winning...

 But then the Thousand find out where Aparo is!

So Haney tells Aparo to draw Batman and Rock rescuing him in an exciting helicopter/boat chase!

All's well that ends well!

And this explains why sometimes comics are late. Because terrorists try to make them kill their characters. Or something like that...

From The Brave And The Bold #124 (1976)

When Comic Creators Want Birthday Cards!

Great Moments In Completely Gratuitous Self-Promotion:

Yes, Bob Haney wrote this story.

No, it has absolutely nothing to do with the story. The fact that the chronometer was wrong plays absolutely zero part in this tale. No section of this tale takes place on Earth-Prime, and Haney was in no way involved as a character or a plot plot.

Bob Haney (and George Tuska) just stopped the story dead in its tracks for two panels so everyone would know when Haney's birthday was.

I really don't know what else to say.

From World's Finest Comics #251 (1976)

"Blah Blah Family Blah Blah"!!

These days, it's de rigueur for group action franchises to insist that their bands of thieves/heroes are superior to others because they are "family"--I'm looking at you, Fast & Furious and Guardians Of The Galaxy!

Sorry, guys, but Bob Haney was there first.

Lilith has come up dry in yet another attempt to find her birth family...

But she pulls a Dominic Toretto in declaring that it doesn't matter, because...

Right on!!

I like that Robin's skirt is shorter than Lilith's...

From Teen Titans #43 (1973)

Metamorpho And The Horny Shark!!

We're out at sea!! Simon Stagg goes overboard!! Metamorpho springs into action!!

Wait!! What was that?!?!

Oh, Bob Haney...

Meanwhile...

...Joe Orlando kind of loses it here, because that's the oddest damn shark I've ever seen!!

But Rex has saved the day, after all, so surely Stagg is properly grateful, right? Right??

Nope.

From Metamorpho #6 (1966), as reprinted in World's Finest Comics #224 (1974)

Manic Monday--The Best Aquaman Movie Has Already Been Written!!

So, I understand they've been having some problems putting together an Aquaman script.

May I offer a simple two-word solution?

Bob. Haney.

I mean, you have dozens of Bob Haney-written Aquaman stories just lying around. Why not use one? I guarantee that the hoighty-toighty Hollywood writers aren't going to come up with anything better than this:

My god, that's the greatest writing ever...

We start with bored playboy Peter Dudley...

Well, he catches what he thinks is a really big fish. But it's really...

The misunderstanding cleared up, Dudley invites Mera and Aquaman aboard his luxury yacht, and, well, he's kind of smitten with Mera:

So Dudley does what any billionaire would do--he bribes a doctor to turn him into a stronger, more handsome version of Aquaman!

And science works as well as it usually does in the DC Universe:

So, being literally a new man, Aquabeast goes to get his woman!

Arthur objects...

...but Aquaman is no match for Aquabeast!

Arthur gets knocked around for several pages, until:

And Garth?

Be serious.

After a whole issuer of being humiliated, Aquaman arrives just as Dudley has sacrificed himself to save Mera from some mutant/alien/what the hell thingie:

Yup, he was really gone, never to appear again...until the Aquaman movie!! Right?? Hello, DC, are you listening? Hello?!?

From Aquaman #34 (1967)