Inventions

Back during WWII, Captain Midnight had a special feature every month:

 Send in your inventions for the war or for the home front!!

For example:

Damn, this guy grew up to become Q, right?

OK, this one? Not so much...

But the best this month?

An armored motorcycle with machine guns and wings attached? 

Sign. Me. Up.

Now, don't any of you try to steal these inventions for yourselves:

Because these folks have a personal CAPTAIN MIDNIGHT INVENTOR PATENT. Which I'm sure is enforceable in any court of law, right?!?

From Captain Midnight #36 (1936)

Manic Monday Double Bonus--The REAL Reason For The Weather This Weekend!

As you may have heard, there was some violent weather in the Midwest yesterday. But you probably don't know the real reason.

Our story starts, as all stories must, in a Berlin hotel...

Yes, he refuses to associate with Nazis--a point the story labors to make more than once:

Well, the Prussian general (Storm Von Kloud by name) may have disliked the Nazis, but he agreed to do their dirty work and try and smash America for them...so a distinction without a difference?

Perhaps. They did have Von Cloud as the villain of all 4 stories this issue. Perhaps they were trying to position our Prussian as a long-term continuing character, and thought that distancing him from the worst of the Nazis might have made him more viable.

Whatever the reasoning, Von Kloud launches a surprise attack on Chicago--or, rather, a it would have been a surprise attack if Captain Midnight hadn't been on the job!

SCIENCE!!

Tidal wave?!?

Yes, while many Chicagoans were cowering in their basements because of tornado warnings, they missed the true danger: Lake Michigan was about to swallow your city!!

How could this happen?!?

SCIENCE!!!!

Midnight catches up to the Nazi Prussian for a confrontation...

SOK!!

But what about the tidal wave?

Fortunately, Captain Midnight has come up with two magic potions scientific formulas to save the day:

Great...now Chicago is the Titanic...

SCIENCE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So next time, don't worry about a stray severe storm or two...if Chicago can survive a tidal wave, it can survive anything!!

From Captain Midnight #14 (1943)

Greatest Generation, Schmreatest Generation

The "greatest generation," as Tom Brokaw dubbed them, weathered the Great Depression, sacrificed mightily to win WWII, and built the United States into the world's superpower.

Or, if you believe Captain Midnight, they were a bunch of greedy, opportunistic fascists who would sell out Uncle Sam for a thousand bucks.

I'll bet your grandparents never told the story that way, huh? But it must all be true, as Captain Midnight shows us that post-war America wasn't all wine and roses in:

We start when the evil Doctor Osmosis--really--breaks into Cap's not-too-well-hidden lair to steal some secret equipment. First Osmosis takes out Cap with a Chris Sims Special:

And then we see why he's there:

You have to squeeze an awful lot of chameleons to get that much oil...So what does the bad doctor plan to do with his new identity as an ersatz Captain Midnight?

Hey!! Forming a veterans organization isn't terribly evil, is it?

Uh...I guess it is. Take over the country?!? Fortunately, he's talking to a group of veterans, right? The ones who sacrificed greatly to defend democracy from tyranny, right? They'd never fall in with Midnight/Osmosis's plan, right?


Wrong. Promise them a thousand dollars, and they'll overthrow the government and install you as dictator.

Now, granted, $1000 went a lot farther back then (after inflation, it's about the equivalent of $9000 today). But still...treason and all?

And yes, it is treason. First step:

Storm the armories?? Seriously??

Second step: take over local governments at gunpoint!!

Third step: take a page from the Mafia handbook, and rough up local businessmen who won't donate to your cause:

Forth step: take over Washington D.C.!!!

Well, that's got to be the limit, right? Nope:

"Yippee!!!"??? What, young Anakin Skywalker is one of them?? And he's awfully excited about the possibility of being in Congress...

So, in just three days, Doctor Osmosis has turned our nation's beloved veterans into armband-wearing goons ready to overturn elections, kick the crap out of civilians, and take over the government, without any hypnosis or mind-control--just a fake identity and a promise of a thousand smackers.

Fortunately for the good old US of A, Doctor Osmosis is an idiot:

Oops. Should have read the label more carefully. I do like the way the caption states it so matter-of-factly, as if we all should have known that Chameleon Oil only lasts three days.

So the real Captain Midnight shows up, knocks Osmosis for a loop, and lectures the veterans on first-years civics lessons:


Thanks, Midnight.

So, at least one comic creator of 1948 wasn't too impressed with "the greatest generation," was he?

I guess it's a good thing Hitler never had any Chameleon Oil and a spare thousand bucks laying around, or the war might have turned out very differently...

The men who saved the world for democracy almost destroy democracy in Captain Midnight #64 (1948). Man, the treason and sedition trials must have gone on for years...

Another Childhood Notion Demolished

As a youth, I grew up believing that denizens of Saturn looked like this:

Well, that was all well and good for us Baby Boomers...but then I find out that The Greatest Generation knew that Saturnians looked like this:

Steaming piles of turd? Really?

Yes, really. Instead of this:

...it's now fairly conclusive that Saturnites are more like this:

Two questions...Saturn is "Beyond The Sun"? Sure, I guess, but so is Earth, by that definition. And who the heck names their sidekick "Icky"?!?!?! And I thought Chuck and Timmy got a raw deal...

A couple more shots of Golden Age Saturnalians:


Now, some of you are saying, "Didn't we find out that the Stone Men of Saturn weren't really from Saturn, that they were from far away and merely using on of Saturn's moons as a base?" Fie on that. The first Thor story said they were from Saturn, and that's what imprinted my youthful memory, embedded firmly by Stan and Jack, future retcons be damned.

Still, the is one possible way out of my dilemma. Let Xog, King of Saturn, tell us:


Leaving aside the quaint Golden Age Science idea that Saturn's rings are made of gas, the fact that Xog's minions are shapeshifters allows me to pretend that Thor's Stone Men were the same as Xog's uglies, just shape-shifted into stone form (and maybe they're stuck that way?!?).

That's my theory, anyway, and I'm stubbornly sticking with it, despite all evidence to the contrary.

So thank you, Xog, you gross, dripping, steaming turd-thing from Saturn!!


Xog first appeared in Captain Midnight #64 (1948)