Tales From The Quarter Bin--Sgt. Fury's Lonely Hearts Club Band?

Oh, Not Brand Echh, will you ever fail to entertain me?

Not today:

The also give you some glorious lyrics from the hypothetical album...

Since this is a 1969 comic book, I suppose we should be looking for "Dum Dum is dead" clues! (Remember, current Marvel dogma has it that Dum Dum Dugan died in 1966, and every single subsequent appearance was an LMD. Seriously, I'm not making that up. No, I'm not going to let go of that anytime soon.)

Oh, here's the promised "cast list" of everyone from the Sgt. Fury's Lonely Hearts Club Band cover:

From Not Brand Echh #12 (1969)

SPOILER Sunday--Noman, Agent Of S.H.I.E.L.D?!?

All right, I'm going to SPOIL a thing or three about the 2nd story in this week's S.H.I.E.L.D. #9--the 50th anniversary issue!!--and it's a prett good story, so if you don't wanna know, came back later.

SPOILERS commence after the four S.H.I.E.L.D. pictures...

Still here? Good.

So, as you recall, the stupidest, most upsetting thing Marvel has done in recent years was in the abominable Original Sin event, wherein we learned that...

Yup...we learned that Dum Dum Dugan was killed by Hydra about 10 minutes after he joined S.H.I.E.L.D., and Nick Fury used super-alien tech to Make his own Dum Dum LMD that thought he was still human.

Yes, every single appearance of Dum Dum Dugan post-1966 was not really Dugan.

Sigh....

Me, I had hoped that the Secret Wars reset was going to undo that, or bring over a Dum Dum from Earth-56123 or something.

Nope:

Only now, he knows that he's an LMD...

He's a bit of a super-powered LMD...

...and whenever he dies, his consciousness is transferred to one of  "hundreds" of replacement bodies...

That's right...Dum Dum Dugan of S.H.I.E.L.D. is now essentially...

...Noman of T.H.UN.D.E.R. Agents (without the invisibility cloak).

Look, I won't lie. I despise with the passion of a thousand exploding sons what Original Sin did to Dugan (and to Nick Fury). But if you're not going to retcon that idiocy away, I guess this is a pretty good way to go.

And I have to confess, this is a really good story by Al Ewing and Stefano Caselli. It serves as a "pilot" for the forthcoming Howling Commandos Of S.H.I.E.L.D. series, which Maria Hill describes as "send scary monsters to fight scary monsters."

But here's the odd part...

This isn't the creative team that's doing the actual series! Why did Marvel have one set of hands make the "pilot," when someone completely different will be doing the regular series? This is no critique of Barbiere and Schoonover--I'm just saying that a story by Ewing and Caselli might not be a fair indication of what the series will actually be like.

So in summation--I still loathe what they did to Dugan; this is probably the best way to salvage it without retconning; Dugan is now Noman; this is a really good story and a promising pilot for the series; but the actual series is being made by different hands, so who knows?

Meanwhile, Nick Fury is still chained to the moon...

Where's Dum Dum, Chapter 5!!!!!

An extra tricky edition of Where's Dum Dum for you today, faithful readers...so look extra-carefully: can you find Dum Dum Dugan in this panel from Captain America #10 (1998)?

Think you've found him?

WRONG!!! 

As dramatically revealed in the completely sad and unnecessary retcon series Original Sin, Dum Dum Dugan has been dead since 1966, and EVERY single appearance since then has really been an LMD programmed by Nick Fury to believe that he's the real, original Dum Dum. So sorry...

Oh, by the way, in that panel Cap is attacking Dugan (and S.H.I.E.L.D.) because the Avenger has been possessed by Nightmare.

Of course, since Dugan is just a machine, there's no way that Nightmare could possess Dum Dum just a couple of issues later, because...

Oops!!! I guess the LMD's were so good, even Mark Waid was fooled!!

Or maybe LMD's dream of electric sheep...

Where's Dum Dum, Chapter 4!!!!

Where were we before Mother Nature so rudely interrupted?

Oh, yes, we were playing the new internet meme that walks like a man: Where's Dum Dum?

So, tell me true believers--can you find Dum Dum Dugan on this cover?!?

Oh, sorry, wrong again!!

In case you may have forgotten, the vile retcon Original Sin revealed that Dum Dum Dugan died back in 1966, and every appearance since then was a Nick Fury created love doll LMD that just thought he was Dum Dum!

So even though Dum Dum was head of the S.H.I.E.L.D. task force in charge of stopping Godzilla, and even though Dum Dum was in 23 of the 24 issues of the great Marvel series, well...he wasn't actually in any of them. Haha, Marvel fooled you!! Don't you feel silly? Don't you feel like an idiot for caring about an old series and dear old characters, when they're just blocking Marvel's quest for DARK VENGEANCE or whatever the hell it is??

Welcome to the 21st century...

Godzilla #17 is from 1978.

Where's Dum Dum, Chapter 3!!!

There are trends. There are crazes. There are irrational fads.

And then there's the viral toga party that's spreading across the nation like black mold, Where's Dum Dum?!?!

Can you find Dum Dum Dugan in these panels from Nick Fury, Agent Of S.H.I.E.L.D. #28 (1991)?

Nope! Try again...

Don't feel bad!! Wolverine was fooled, too!! As we learned in the shameful Original Sin event, Dum Dum Dugan has been dead since 1966!! Ever since then, every appearance has just been from an LMD that thought he was Dugan!!

"Hey, wait a minute," you're saying. "Wolverine is the best there is!! He has these hyper accurate senses!! How could he be fooled by an LMD?!?"

Well, calm yourself, dear reader---there's never been any indication that Logan's senses are good enough to pierce the disguise of a hyper-accurate robot, and---

--oh. Never mind.

I guess Logan was just slacking in that S.H.I.E.L.D. issue. Or maybe he had a cold...

That last bit was, of course, from X-Men #100 (1976)

Where's Dum Dum, Chapter 2!!

It's time again for the hot new game that's sweeping the nation--Find Dum Dum!!

Can you find Dum Dum Dugan in this panel from Thor #337 (1983)?

Sorry--wrong!!!

In the spectacularly terrible Original Sin, we learned that Dum Dum Dugan died back in 1966--and every single appearance since was from an LMD that thought he was a real boy!!

And that includes the classic Walt Simonson run on Thor!! Yet another story marred by the world's worst retcon!

Sorry, folks--try again tomorrow!!

Where's Dum Dum, Chapter 1!

Hey, it's time for a new, exciting, recurring feature here at Slay Monstrobot!!

Can you find Dum Dum Dugan on this cover?

Try again--can you find Dum Dum in this panel?

WRONG--He's in neither of those pictures!! According to the dire Original Sin event, Dum Dum Dugan has been dead since 1966!! Every appearance since has been by one of a series of LMD's that thought Dugan!!

Hahahaha, don't you feel silly now?

Join us throughout the month for more "Where's Dum Dum?"!!!

From Captain America #247 (1980)

Spoiler Sunday--Unoriginal Sin

Look, we really have to talk about the abominable and head-shakingly awful Original Sin.

But to do so, I've got to spoil some major revelations from Original Sin #5 from last month, as well as this week's Original Sins #5.

So if you haven't read them yet, or are waiting for the trade, you'll probably want to come back later.

Spoiler-filled rant commences after the pictures of 5 original sins that are all better than Marvel's event...

SPOILERS commencing...now!

So the whole Original Sin debacle is supposedly about the death of The Watcher, and the theft of his eyes. Those eyes keep "exploding," releasing many of the deep, dark secrets Uatu has seen over the years. Blah, blah.

But what the series is really about is figuring out what to do with Nick Fury.

Not the new, younger, let's-cash-in-on-Sam-Jackson-as-Fury-even-though-he's-always-wearing-a-spandex-thing-that-Sam-Jackson-would-never-be-caught-dead-wearing guy. No, the problem Marvel has is, now that young Fury is around, and Maria Hill is entrenched as leader of S.H.I.E.L.D., what the hell do you do with the "old" Nick Fury?

The obvious answer is, you turn him into a genocidal villain.

Original Sin has Identity Crisis-envy so badly, I'm surprised that they haven't had Batroc violate Aunt May. The entire series is about deep, dark revelations of "sins" that make us reevaluate our heroes. Because who wants nice heroes when we can have folks who have violated our trust and their own morals? Besides, it's more fun to shit on characters...

So for older Fury, they've gone and rewritten/refocused history, like this:

In 1958, Fury and his Defense Intelligence squad stumble upon an alien invasion:

His guys are wiped out, but Fury (and Earth) are saved by the appearance of a mysterious flying, gun-toting dude:

Our savior dies in the fight, but not before he sends a bomb through the portal that destroys the entire alien world on the other side. The entire world:

Well, Howard Stark shows up, and expositions us. The dead hero was Woodrow McCord, the "man on the wall." (Don't bother looking it up--you've never heard of him before, and you will never hear of him again) You see, Stark and others have been scavenging lost alien technology for years (a la Torchwood...ahem) so they can protect Earth from the alien threats that they know are out there. And there is always one man--answerable to no one, who uses all the goodies to do whatever is necessary to save us all:

And since McCord is dead, we need a new "man on the wall," and Stark recruits Fury to be that man.

Q: Well, if the job is so important, why only have one man on the wall? Why not two, or three? A whole squad?
A: Don't ask sensible questions about nonsensical retcons!

Fury takes the job, moves operations to a super-secret stealth satellite, and begins to protect Earth.

How?

By assassinating alien leaders who lust after our planet:

By wiping out threats before they become so big that super-heroes might become involved:

By going all Guantanamo on captured aliens:

And, yeah, eliminating entire planets. Yes, ELIMINATING ENTIRE PLANETS:

Now, Fury did this while still working for the CIA, and then S.H.I.E.L.D., basically pulling a Peter Parker/Clark Kent and finding an excuse to run off whenever a cosmic-level threat reared its head. Seriously, we're shown him ditching an important briefing when he "forgot it was...my Aunt Matilda's birthday."

Eventually, though, Fury got himself a corp of LMD's who could cover for him when he was extincting entire species.

Also, the Infinity Formula in his blood stopped working, so he's ridiculously old now.

So any recent interactions with a Nick Fury who looks like he always have have most likely been with a Doombot LMD. This has the benefit of conveniently (and lazily) hand-waving away any difficult continuity questions that might arise from this silliness.

Of course, there are other questions:

Q: So where was the "man on the wall" during The Invasion? Why did he let the Skrulls invade?
A: Uhhh...

Q: Where was all-powerful Nick Fury during the Kree-Skrull War?
A: Uhhh....

Q: Hey, how come Nick Fury and his Howling Weapons Of Mass Destruction didn't stop Thanos' alien fleet during Infinity?
A: Uhhh...

Q: Hey, speaking of Thanos, the bastard has attacked Earth and thereabouts any number of times. He's precisely the type of thing Nick took the position to stop. And pro-active Nick has weapons capable of killing a Watcher--why didn't he just put a bullet in the Titan's head at any time, like he did to other alien threats?
A: Look, you're not playing fair by asking logical questions that we never thought about!

So, in other words, Uber-Fury saved Earth from countless cosmic threats--except the ones he didn't.

Now look, I understand that Jason Aaron is trying to give us a "subtle" critique of the American "neo-cons," and of many of the things the Bush administration did post-9/11.

All well and good (if not exactly timely). But why the hell do you have to shit all over Nick Fury to make that happen? I've read my fair share of Nick Fury comics, and I never got the sense that he was the type who would endorse, for example, killing every man, woman and child in Germany in order to stop the Nazis. Which is essentially what he's doing here, with his "watch entire races die screaming before they can attack us" protocol.

There are other characters in the Marvel Universe who might fit better into this role, if you insist on having it. Tony Stark is a fine example of an asshole I can see rationalizing all of this as OK. There are others. But why the hell spoil Fury? Why make him into a ruthless, evil version of Captain Jack Harkness? Only because you're trying to get rid of him in favor of the new younger guy.

Oh, but wait, there's more.

In this week's Original Sins #5--a tie-in series which tells shorts stories about folks dealing with the "sins" they learn about from the Watcher's eyes--we have a story which doesn't do that at all. Instead, they decide to ruin another favorite character!

In this one, Dum Dum Dugan offers to give Fury a transfusion of his blood, in order to "kickstart" the Infinity Formula in Fury's system. Hey, it's worked before with the Super-Soldier Serum, and, as Dugan points out:

Oh, dear. Nicky has to break some bad news to Dugan:

It turns out that Dum Dum died back in 1966--yes, nearly 50 years ago--after catching a random bullet in a raid on a Hydra complex.

Wait--then how have we been seeing Dugan in so many stories since then?

Ah. So every appearance of Dugan in the modern Marvel Universe--heading up S.H.I.E.L.D. squads, chasing Godzilla for two years, everything--has just been a LMD that thinks he's Dugan.

Fuck you, Marvel.

Anyway, this information causes "Dugan" to read Fury the riot act, and call him on all of his "I'm the only man who can do this so rules and morality don't apply to me" bullshit. Finally:

Once again, fuck you, Marvel.

We've twisted continuity past any reasonably breaking point, and pooped upon the legacy of two of Marvel's oldest characters. Why? All because you want to replace one of them with a guy who more closely resembles a movie actor.

You know, Marvel, if that's what you wanted, you just could have had elder Nick die, oh, I don't know, a heroic death. You didn't have to turn him into a self-justifying/deluding genocidal maniac and symbol for a decade-old political debate, while rendering decades of stories into so much unrecognizable sewage. Except, of course, you wanted to capture some of that Identity Crisis magic.

It is possible that, in the final issue of Original Sin, that they will reveal that "bastard Fury" is himself just another LMD, and the "real" Nick Fury will be found, or revealed to be long dead, or in some way not responsible for any of this. I don't believe in a minute that will happen, but hey, it's not out yet, so who knows?

Still, the damage has been done. The reader can now never take any previous appearance of Fury at face value--was it really him? An LMD? Following his secret bastard agenda? And if he somehow survives, well, we're in Doombot territory now--no one, reader or character, will ever believe it's the real article again. Ditto for Dugan.

Marvel has effectively taken every single story of two long-term characters and coated it with a slimy, cynical coat of "ha, you thought you were reading about heroes, but we know better, because we're more 'adult' and 'edgy,' you were fooled all those years hahaha" revisionism.

As much as I love comics, there are some days when I really hate comics. I think I'd better go read some Bandette....