Look, Kids--The Heroic Age!!

When you see a banner like this on the cover:

You know you're going to get amazing acts of heroism like this on the inside:



Yes, at least when Bendis is writing, heroic="cowering inside a deli while Thor does all the work outside." Heroic=arguing about when you met, or "clever quipping" about cliches, while New Yorkers are dying outside.

And I mean--Killraven, for heaven's sake--his raison d'etre is fighting Martians, going up against those awful tripods. And now that he's got some actual super-heroes with him, he's content with "let's hide and shoot the breeze with Spider-Man."

Sigh.

Bendis aside, am I allowed to point out that there hasn't been all that much heroic about The Heroic Age so far?

Obviously, a big part of that is the continuing splintering of Marvel into self-contained Balkanized camps who, outside of spin-off mini-series, never ever seem to even be taking place in the same universe. Quick, name one impact that we've seen in a regular Marvel mag of World War Hulks, or any of the recent X-Men business...just one...

But even within the titles bearing The Heroic Age banner...has their been anything particularly heroic going on? The New Avengers and the Adjectiveless Avengers are both still in the midst of their initial and ridiculously padded storylines where they're merely responding to being attacked. The Fantastic Four is pretty much doing the same stuff they did under Hickman before the banner was slapped on their cover. Avengers Academy isn't much different than the stories we had with Avengers: Initiative. The short stories we've had in The Age Of Heroes mini, while entertaining, haven't been anything to make you sit up and go, "Wow, that was heroic!!" It feels more like leftovers from inventory stories that were just laying around.

Not that I object to Marvel not having a particular theme going for the first time in half a decade...but if you're going to throw that banner on your covers, shouldn't it actually mean something? Because so far we haven't seen anything that resonates as particularly heroic.

I can imagine how the conversations went at the Marvel offices:

JQ: Well, after Civil War, The Initiative, Secret Invasion, Dark Reign, and The Siege, what's next?

BMB: Well, we don't particularly have anything, boss.

JQ: Well, we have to have something!

FVL: Why?

JQ: How can we get the suckers readers to buy these books without a brand slapped on 'em? How can we market the trade paperbacks--"come read a bunch of unrelated stories?!?" No, we need a theme, a brand.

TB: Everyone's kind of burned out on events, boss.

JQ: I don't care if it's an actual event...we just need a marketing name so people think it's an event.

BMB: Will that work??

JQ: Works for Spider-Man...we're still calling it "Brand New Day" two years later, right?

GP: Hey, I know...let's call it "The Heroic Age."

BMB: Great, that means I have to make my characters act all heroic and stuff, right?

GP: No, that's the beauty part--we're already publishing magazines about heroes. We don't have to do anything--by definition, it's already "Heroic!"

JQ: An event where nothing different actually goes on...just a banner with literally no meaning, but still an obvious sales incentive to saps retailers and customers--I LOVE IT!!

JP: Hey, could we re-launch my pet book with that banner on it?? I just know that will save Agents of Atlas!!

JQ: Sure kid, whatever you say. Keep on dreaming....

Avengerspalooza #5--Writing Yourself Out Of A Corner

For this and all posts today, SPOILER ALERT for Siege and the 95 Avengers titles released Wednesday...SPOILERS start after the Avengers logo...




One of the big outcomes of Siege was this:

In heaven's name, why?

Not that I'm a big supporter of the SHRA, mind you. It's just that, in the context of recent Marvel history, repealing the Registration Act makes just about zero sense.

Let's review: in the event that kicked off Civil War, a bunch of idiot young superheroes acted recklessly, leading to a bunch of civilian deaths. This led to a huge nationwide movement to register superheroes. The rationale, as given by this grieving mother:

So with something like 90% public support, the SHRA was passed, we had a brief tiff, Captain America's side lost, and Tony Stark was put in charge of S.H.I.E.L.D. And superheroes had to register or else.

Then the Secret Invasion happened, and even though it lasted about 12 seconds, apparently it traumatized the public. For no reason that makes sense, Stark was blamed for everything, and for reasons that make even less sense, he was replaced by Norman Osborn.

But the Registration Act was still in effect. And the public supported it and Osborn enforced it.

Than Osborn went loopy (big surprise) and set-up an excuse to attack Asgard. But even though it was a set-up, one would think that it proved more than ever the need for the SHRA--Volstagg's careless use of his power led to tens of thousands of civilian deaths (albeit with a merciful end to the Chicago Bears' season), even though the main blame goes to the U-Foes. And before anyone tries to completely exonerate Volstagg, this is the same universe wherein they boast that the Hulk's rampages have never killed a single innocent bystander (including many fights against the U-Foes). So there really can be no excuse for Volstagg blowing up Soldier Field, attacked or not.

So Norman starts an unauthorized war, gets put down like a mad dog. And Steve Rogers replaces him.

Now, what, exactly, in all of that justifies repealing the Super Hero Registration Act? Why, in all of this, do the mother's arguments above no longer apply?

Volstagg's actons proved that untrained, unlicensed super-beings are still dangerous to the public at large. And wouldn't that just strengthen the popularity of the law? And Sally Floyd is still writing articles condemning people who oppose the Act, right?

Yes, Osborn was bad, but that had nothing to do with the SHRA. (And can I point out that the question of the "nation's top cop" being a force for good or evil depending entirely on the man holding the role indicates a serious lack of checks and balances in the system? Fury and Stark and Osborn had the position...does that mean the only thing stopping the first two from running amok was that they weren't already evil??)

Yes, I know that in New Avengers Finale #1, Cap explains that it was his sole demand for taking the position of "top cop"--that the SHRA be scrapped. Well, Steve is a returned-from-the-dead-but-presumably-still-under-arrest-for-violating-said-law-and-leading-armed-insurrection criminal, so maybe any demands he makes are simply letting the terrorists win.

But wouldn't repealing the Registration Act be hugely unpopular? Doesn't every single reason it was passed still apply? Have the people forgotten? Or do they just not care anymore?

The real answer, of course, is that Bendis wanted to end this "story five years in the making" by having the SHRA lifted, because you can't very well have a Heroic Age while being puppet government soldiers. But, it seems pretty clear, he had absolutely no clue how to get there. There is nothing in the stories that Bendis has told that has undone the set-up Millar gave is in Civil War. Nothing.

Maybe, if Bendis really cared about selling this development, he could have had an unregistered hero break out of prison, sacrifice herself by stopping Sentry on national TV while rescuing puppies, and have the public realize how unjust the SHRA was. Or something. But no, Bendis just wants to get from story point A to story point B, so he arbitrarily declares it done, even though it makes no sense in the universe he's set up.

So, if the SHRA was ever justified, it still is, and repealing it is a stupid exercise in Bendis writing himself out of a corner. And if it wasn't justified, than someone owes the public over the marvel Universe (and readers of Marvel Comics) apologies for wasting 5 years of our time.

Avengerspalooza #1--I Guess Tigra Didn't Get The Memo

For this and all posts today, SPOILER ALERT for Siege and the 95 Avengers titles released Wednesday...SPOILERS start after the Avengers logo...


Welcome to the Heroic Age--after Osborn's been put down, and the Hood has been captured:


Yes, "we're so popular I could kill you right now and no one would punish us, and hell they'd probably help me" is the epitome of heroic, ain't it?? That code is precisely what the Heroic Age is all about, eh, Joe Quesada?

Off to a grand start there, Marvel.

From Avengers Initiative #35.

Beating A Dead Horse

Because this still bothers the hell out of me years later...

Remember--Marvel had Peter Parker willingly make a deal with this guy:

Now, even if I grant that having Peter Parker single somehow magically makes for better comic stories than having him married, the way that which that was accomplished says something about Joe Quesada and JMS, doesn't it?

This is, after all, the Marvel Universe. So you could have had the Beyonder do it, or have Spidey use a Cosmic Cube, or Doctor Strange cast a spell, or a thousand other ways to save Aunt May.

But no, you guys opted to have a hero make a deal with "the black heart that pumps its putrid bile into the farthest corners of the universe." Because that's what heroes do, apparently.

Seriously, you guys thought this was the best way to accomplish your goal??

And that's why Joe Quesada is the last person on Earth who should be shepherding Marvel through the Heroic Age...

Sigh...

Blame my foray into Marvel 1985 for reminding me about this appearance of Mephisto in Fantastic Four #277 by Byrne, Byrne and Ordway...

Be Grateful Because We're Bringing Back Coke Classic, You Morons

[Warning: the premise of this post is based on a strained analogy, and probably errors in fact, and devolves into yet another tumultuous rant. Read at your own risk.]

If you're like me, half of your local comic booke shoppe's shipment accidentally ended up on the other side of the state this week. So, because you had to have something to read, you picked up Siege: Embedded #2.

And if you did, you were treated to this:


Volstagg, armed with a sword, riding a goblin glider and fighting agents of H.A.M.M.E.R. Really.

And I'm thinking, the whole Siege story could have been ridiculously sweet like that. Instead, they gave us this.

It could have been a tale of Asgardians interacting with the wild and woolly Marvel Universe; they could have given us sly disquisitions contrasting the roles of gods and heroes (because, dammit, I can picture Spider-Man and Fandral the Dashing having a discussion about why they're heroes and great power and great responsibility and stuff); a view of how citizens of the Marvel Universe deal with having small g gods amongst them. Seriously, there were a fair number of cool ideas that could have come out of this.

Instead, Brian Michael Bendis et. al. have decided to pretty much ignore that huge potential. The Siege series reduces Asgard and their gods to a mere cameo. Instead, he chose to make this about his pet characters and gratuitous carnage and killing 10,000 civilians just because; and instead of the Marvel Universe vs. the Norse Gods, the story became the worst hero ever created kills a Greek god. Greek!! I thought this was about Asgard...

And now, of course, the series will become pre-ordained exercise in "putting the team back together," as as the Avengers are re-united into one big, happy family...even though none of the conflicts that tore them apart are actually resolved.

And Marvel continues to put out press releases trumpeting the dawning of "The Heroic Age," wherein "a new spirit of hope, courage, and the selflessness at the heart of heroism will rise up." (Here's an example, courtesy of one of these forthcoming reborn Avengers, of how a "heroic" character deals with a minor threat)

You know what the funny thing is? I thought we had already had a "heroic age," where heroes were hopeful and selfless. Yeah, back before Avengers Disassembled, when one of the team's most veteran members went insane and killed several others, often in violent and graphic ways. Damn those bastards!! I'm glad we got rid of them and have a new crew bringing back the Heroic Age...

...wait a minute?!? It's the same guys who got rid of the heroism, and are now claiming credit for bringing it back?!? The exact same guys?!? And we're supposed to be thankful they're returning to a status quo that they deliberately frakked up??

You know what this reminds me of? New Coke [editor's note: at last, a point emerges] [snell's note: shut up]. The brain trust at Coca Cola took away the old formula, gave the world New Coke, and was shocked--shocked, I tell you!!--by consumer and bottler backlash. After a mere 77 days, Coca Cola announced that they were bringing back original Coke...and acted like they were doing us a favor by giving us back what they themselves had taken away...even though it was the exact same clowns switching Coke back. And no one at Coca Cola was ever demoted or fired for the debacle.

Just change the names around...Coca Cola Inc=Marvel, the past few years at Marvel=New Coke, the Heroic Age=Coke Classic. Except, of course, in the world of comic books our long national nightmare lasted 7 years, not 77 days.

And the same guys who took away the original heroic age and replaced it with dismemberment, death, disembowelment, dissolution and decay are now "giving" the concept of heroism back to us...and expecting us to thank them.

You know what? It will probably work. The moral of the New Coke story, according to then Coke marketing VP Sergio Zyman: "Yes, it infuriated the public, cost a ton of money and lasted only 77 days before we reintroduced Coca-Cola Classic. Still, New Coke was a success because it revitalized the brand and reattached the public to Coke." Again, replace the names, you've got the same story...

Who knew Joe Quesada had studied the soft drink wars so closely?