The Legacy Of...SATAN?!?

As you may have heard, as part of it's Legacy relaunch, many Marvel titles are going to come with a little 4-page "primer" in the front, updating potential new readers on the premise of the series, and the character(s)' history. (DC did the same thing a few years ago, about 10 minutes before they made it all irrelevant with the nu52 reboot)

Marvel has just released the first set of those primers for free on Comixology. so, hey, FREE!!

One of those primers was for the new Spirits Of Vengeance team, with Blade and Ghost Rider and Satana and "Hellstorm" joining forces. Let's look at Daimon's panel, shall we?

Wait just one second!!

As you may recall, when Daimon Hellstrom first appeared, he was the Son Of Satan. No if, ands or buts--his origin very clearly made him the offspring of Satan.

Eventually, for reasons never made clear, Marvel got spooked by the idea of having the literal Biblical Satan as a villain in their universe. So in an increasingly convoluted series of lies retcons, they declared that Daimon's father was some other demon just pretending to be Satan. See Ghost Rider stories from the same era where they pulled the same switcharoo.

Ever since, Daimon hasn't been the son of Satan, and he hasn't been called the Son Of Satan. Marvel keeps changing things around--his true father was Marduk? Satannish?

But check out what they just said:

Now, I'll grant you that his is just a primer, not a complete and thorough biography. And the trademarkable character logo still names him "Hellstorm." But you can't help but notice that they did call him "the son of Satan," not "the son of a demon."

How about his sister?

Same deal.

Of course, Satana never had to change her name in the first place. Apparently, like Satannish, adding a nonsense suffix syllable to the end Satan makes it OK to use the name.

But she had gone through the same origin revision as Daimon. And now Marvel is declaring that Satan is a proud papa again!

So remember--now, and forever more, Disney owns Satan!!

Finding The Next Guardians

Well, if the Guardians Of The Galaxy film proved one thing, it's that Marvel can make a film out of pretty much any of its properties, no matter how obscure. If you write it well and direct it well (and advertise the living hell out of it and give it a bitchin' soundtrack), people will come.

And the (modern) Guardians comic proved that if you just take a bunch of random, underused characters (ahem LOSERS ahem) who really don't have any relation to each other and throw them together, that can work. A more successful version of the Defenders, it seems.

So I'm going to help Marvel find it's "next Guardians," the C and D characters who will rack of a few hundred million at the box office.

And to make it a challenge, I'm only going to use characters who've starred in Marvel Premiere and Marvel Spotlight, because that's a key breeding ground for losers.

Let's start with this guy...

...and his sister:

People keep forgetting that Disney owns Satan (at least, Marvel's version!)

People keep saying, "Demons are the new zombies," whatever that means. Well, if it's true, the Marvel Cinematic Universe is primed to take advantage, with a brother/sister act that makes Pietro and Wanda look like Sugar & Spike.

Next up:

I know, I know...but people said a talking raccoon would never work, either. Bonus: it recaptures the Mantlo/Giffen magic of Rocket! Bonus: hundreds of "They made a Woodgod movie before they made a Wonder Woman movie" tweets.

Next:

Look, if Marvel is going keep making their movies 3D, they might as well get meta about it, right? Plus, his origin is a prime opportunity to work Skrulls into the MCU...

Next:

Oh, come on, just look at that! It's already a damn movie poster! Sci-fi sword and sorcery werewolf?!? That's higher than high concept--it's brilliant!

Finally:

Let's out-obscure Star Lord, shall we? A blind bounty-hunter from an alternate future who uses a golden mechanical falcon named Ulyssess to see?!? Think of all the "bird's-point-of-view" shots the director could indulge himself with!

So that's our new Guardians: Son Of Satan and Satana, Woodgod, 3D Man, Man-Wolf, and Monark Starstalker! Hmm...what shall we call our new franchise? The Defenders? The Champions? Whatever, it's money in the bank!

Wait, you say...what about this guy?

Sorry, even Marvel couldn't make a good film out of this guy...