The Real Anti-Life Equation, Or, snell Is A Tremendous Idiot!

This was the back of my box of cereal...

This was the back of my box of cereal after I "fixed" it:

Yes, I have serious problems.

Please don't sue me, Post.

Aquaman's Questionable Knowledge of Boxing?

Of course, Aquaman can't beat a pathetic pair of bank robbers without the help of sea creatures:

Now wait just one damn minute!!

The octopus used just two arms!! People have two arms!!

Really!! Try it yourself at home!! You can throw a simultaneous uppercut and roundhouse!!

What? Why don't human boxers do it, then...?

Shut up.

From Adventure Comics #245 (1958), as reprinted in World's Finest Comics #230 (1975)

See, Because Vanity Plates Were Still Considered Cool In 1981...

When Dollar Comics have space to fill...

OK, OK, "Parall-El" is pretty good...

From Superman Family #212 (1981)

Arnold Speaks Out On Namor's Greatest Foe!!

So, for lack of anything better to talk about,let's discuss who Namor's greatest villain is.

Me, I think it's this guy:

Yup, Attuma.

So, Arnold Schwarzenegger, do you agree that Namor's greatest villain is Attuma?



OK, you seem pretty firm on that.

Well, then, Arnold, whom would you pick? Tiger Shark? Doctor Dorcas? Llyra?



Yes, yes, we had already established that!!

But aside from Attuma, you must have some feelings on the subject! Who is Namor's greatest villain?



I give up...

Manic Monday Bonus--Batman's Head Trauma Theater!!

As we search for a plot for the new Batfleck movie, a couple of ideas suggest themselves:

"[T]he Caped Crusader received an injury to his optic nerves, render him temporarily blind...Batman received a blow to the head, restoring his sight."

Well, that has possibilities...but I don't know about this Doctor Pneumo.

Let's check the next page:

"Batman suffered a blow to the head that led him to reverse his personas, dressing as Bruce Wyane by night and Batman during the day."

Well, that could explain this recent photo:

Anyway, it's very clear--our next Bat-movie will need head trauma that induces a Gilligan-like reaction in the Dark Knight.

From The Essential Batman Encyclopedia (2008)

A Special Slay Monstrobot Gift, Just For You!

Look what I found, just to share with you, dear reader!

The 1971 Superman calendar matches up exactly with 2016!

So now you can clip this (although I' not sure how you clip something from a computer screen--ask Bill Gates!), hang it up,  and use it for the rest of the year!

What? 1971 wasn't a leap year? So?

Look, for the next 5 days, this is a perfectly functional calendar! What do you want for nothing--the entire year? Sheesh...

From World's Finest Comics #200 (1971)

Manic Monday Triple Overtime--I Am Suing This Comic For Libel!!

You know that it is truly a weird war tale when, out of nowhere, you find your own good name dragged through the mud!

We're at a K-9 unit training facility...

But there's one bad apple amongst the trainees:

Hey!! Wait a minute!! That's MY name!! And I don't "beats dawgs"!!

I also don't beat donkeys or dames. What the hell, comic book?

Sarge Crawford goes out of his way to paint me as an irredeemable villain:

Well, yes, I do "believe in death," to the extent that it's an actual thing in the real world. But don't make me out like I'm Thanos or something...

At least they gave me a promotion (after strongly implying that I deliberately killed Sarge Crawford accidentally):

Hell yes, now who's the sergeant!?!?

OK, now we're going waaay too far. It's bad enough you put me in your story and defame me, but to kill me?

Someone get me Matt Murdock or Jennifer Walters on the phone!!

From Weird War Tales #31 (1974)

The Trial Of The Incredible Hulk!

Mr. Hulk...earlier you had testified that:

Yet now we have you on record as saying:

Well? Which is it, sir? The jury is waiting to hear--answer the question!! Beans or hot dogs?!?

From Incredible Hulk #182 (1974) & Marvel Fanfare #7 (1983)

Important Holiday Housekeeping Tip:

Remember:

Keeping dynamite in this house is always a good idea!!

From Popeye #40 (1957) as reprinted in Classic Popeye #40 (2015)

Manic Monday--Why Fans Shouldn't Ask Pros to Sign Things At Conventions!

Someone is trying to ruin the Olympics!

Robin, your guardian is a millionaire--you could afford to have the Beatles play for you personally!!

Anyway, the Titans head to Tokyo for the summer games...

But...

Look, if you're going to pay extra money for a blank cover--my god, are you people insane or what?--you really can't be sure that it won't explode when you hand it to the professional of your choice and the ink chemicals from his sketch of Harley Quinn as a plucky Star Fleet ensign mix with some substance in the over-priced paper and explode all over the place!!

I'm just sayin'...

From Teen Titans #4 (1966)

How Exactly Do You Say "KKRAAAAKK-DOOOOHMM!" In Russian, Anyway?

So, the other day, this little bit appears in The Moscow Times:

The use of words such as "bang," "crash" and "wow" in Russian comic books is unpatriotic and should be avoided, Russian translators said.

Russian newspaper Izvestia reported on Monday that a group of translators of Russian comics penned a letter addressed to the Vinogradov Russian Language Institute of the Russian Academy of Sciences suggesting that all onomatopoeic words be replaced with indigenous versions.

OK, Vladimir Putin...it is ON!!

Seriously, it's always kinda of fun that most languages have their own, distinct onomatopoeia for sounds. Look, for example, at all of the way different languages might translate a dog's barking:

Man, it's a wonder dogs from different countries can even communicate...

So, I imagine that it gets even more difficult when you're trying to transliterate the odd POW or KRAAAAKAAA-DOOOOOOOMMMM into another tongue.

Still, unpatriotic? Really? Yes, Russia has indeed uncovered our plot to use comic book sound effects to undermine their culture and pollute their precious bodily fluids. Drat!!

Anyway, someone let me know when the Kremlin figures a way to translate this:


...or this:

Good luck, comrades.

BONUS: An encyclopedia of comic book sound effects (English ones, at least...)

Perhaps Popeye Should Run For President, Instead!

Popeye has a dream:

One imagines this is how the Donald Trump presidential campaign got its start...

Still, even Popeye as a tin-plated dictator has a significant advantage of the Donald:

Oh, Popeye--you're too good-natured for this world...

From Popeye #36 (1956), as reprinted in Classic Popeye #36 (2015)

Manic Monday Triple Overtime--Great Product, Terrible Name!

I'm sure this is the greatest kite ever invented...

But really...you've got to change that name...

It sounds like a joint Rob Liefeld/Mark Millar project: Windhooker!

From Tales Of Suspense #41 (1963)

Thief, Or Interdimensional Imp?

In this week's Thief of Thieves #29, someone has been arrested:

Oh, come on now, she can escape easily! All she has to do is say her name backwards, and she returns to her home dimension!!

Yes, I'm an idiot.

A Misguided Attempt To Get Joss Whedon To Stay On The Avengers Franchise?

Instead of making Avengers 3A & 3B be The Infinity War, how about this?

Yes, I know they're not wearing bikinis. What do you want, titles that make sense?

OK, OK, a not-yet-released "Adults only erotic thriller" (their words, not mine) might not be the way to go.

How about a fresh, new idea?

No, no, no.

And again, no.

Let's make one more, desperate attempt:

But how can it be a naked bikini, when naked would mean no bikini, and...

I give up.

That's gotta be Hank Pym as the Masked Avenger, right?

Why It's A Good Thing That FiveThirtyEight.Com Doesn't Exist In The Marvel Universe!

Rumors, there's always rumors...

Well, geez, Happy Hogan, I wouldn't worry about a few rumors.

As long as no one is doing "data-driven journalism," Tony's secret is pretty safe...

Uh-oh.

Survey? You mean you went out and actually asked people? That's nowhere near as much fun as just printing rumor and innuendo!!

Damn, you're going to put newspapers out of business (not to mention reveal every damned secret identity out there)!!

The future of journalism predicted by Tales of Suspense #84 (1966)

Manic Monday Triple Overtime--Why I Am Not Allowed To Write Comics, Chapter MCLIXX:

Seriously, all of these thoughts my mind while looking at this cover:

A) Hey!! The killer is left-handed!! Represent, brother!!

B) That being said, the killer being left-handed has seemingly thrown off cover artist Bernard Bailey's sense of perspective, because that gun doesn't look like it's aimed at Panicked Phone Guy.

C) Hey--how come the killer's gun and scissors are throwing shadows on the back wall, but the rest of his body isn't? Is he invisible except for his hands? Is he standing behind the lamp, while thrusting his hands in front of it?

D) No trigger guard on the gun? That's not very safe...

E) Heh...land-line.

F) Hey, what the hell kind of phone is that? There are only eight finger holes, not ten!! What numbers are missing?!? Is that part of the killer's plot--to trap Panicked Phone Guy with a phone that can't call 911, because the 9 and the 1 are missing?!? Hmmm, that's actually a pretty good plot idea...

Yes, I'm a terribly sad person. Sorry.

Suspense Detective #1 is from 1952

The Charles Xavier School Of Acting

No offense to James McAvoy or Patrick Stewart, but there is a specific way that you're supposed to present the wielding of vast mental powers.

Professor Xavier, would you care to demonstrate?

There you go.

So, Mr. McAvoy, no more of this...

Mr. Stewart, no more feeble gesturing...

From now on, we want eyeballs bulging out, eyebrows to the ceiling, chrome-dome vibrating, and face set in a John Buscema-drawn rictus of power.

I expect to see this happen in X-Men: Who The Hell is This Apocalypse Guy?

Panels from Giant-Size Fantastic Four #4 (1975)

What Jonathan Kent *Really* Did To Earn A Living

We all know that Pa Kent had a farm; and then he sold it to open a general store in Smallville.

But is any of that true?

Because here at Slay Monstrobot, we have made a shocking discovery about the TRUE career of Superboy's foster father:

Yup...Pa Kent was a counter-spy...an espionage ace!!

And a wordy sonuvabitch!

But man, he had a way with the ladies:

That's right--he'd call you honey just after he met you!

He also had a way with goddamn commie spies!

But Jonathan Kent was still smooth with the ladies, even after fighting

And he always succeeded in his cases!

Johnathan Kent smashes attempts to undermine democracy!! Plus, he grows wheat...

From Spy-Hunters #11 (1951)