The Funny Papers

Daniel Boris, Bill Bramhall, Gary Huck, Michael de Adder, Christopher Shields, Clay Bennett, Frank Mariani, RJ Matson, Adam Zyglis, Pedro X Molina, Nick Anderson, Max Espinoza

Bobservations

So this is about the Absentminded Professor Carlos AKA The Chocoholic and how he makes me laugh.

See, the other night he asked if I wanted some hot chocolate and I said sure. So he sets about making it but then calls me to the kitchen because he says we’re out of chocolate. I say we can’t be out because there’s an unopened box in the cupboard and another box with a little bit of chocolate left inside.

“I only have the one with very little chocolate.”

“Well, the full box was under the open box the other day.”

“All I have is the open box.”

So I go into the kitchen and look up on the shelf where the cocoa powder goes and there’s none there. And then Carlos holds up the open box and says:

“This is all we have.”

“Yesterday there was an unopened box and an open box on that same shelf. Are you sure you didn’t use–”

And my eyes drop down to the counter where a pristine unopened box of cocoa powder sits, waiting to be used in hot chocolate and I point it out to him.

“You’re gonna write about this on your blog, right?”

“No, sweetie pie, I would never—”

Let’s keep this our secret.

From December 2009, this is Tuxedo Sunday, with that handsome boy posing on the bed in the guestroom.

He did love a camera pointed his way …

As we start Pride Month here are a few reminders before anyone rants …

Veterans and members of the Military get two months … May and November.

Straight Pride isn’t a thing because straight people were never oppressed, refused legal rights, or murdered for being straight.

Trans men are men, and trans women are women.

Your religion is meant to guide you, not everyone else.

No one is forcing you to attend Pride events; it’s not a hostage situation so if you don’t want to go, don’t go. Just mind your own business.

Carry on …

Minneapolis law enforcement authorities, along with the Texas Rangers, apprehended ICEstapo agent Christian Castro last week and arrested him for shooting an INNOCENT Venezuelan immigrant in Minneapolis in January.

As ICEstapo agents do, Castro lied about the shooting then fled Minnesota for Texas. He now faces four felony charges of aggravated assault and one count of falsely reporting a crime.

I hope they lock him up in one of their detention centers for life and I hope they get him on state charges so Cankles cannot pardon him or pay him off from the slush fund.

Former Oklahoma Republican Assistant District Attorney Kevin Etherington, who served Payne and Logan counties, was sentenced to 20 years in prison for child pornography charges.

Court documents state investigators seized three SD cards, three flash drives and a laptop from Etherington’s home with over 153 photos and videos of girls under 9 years old being abused in a Google Drive that belonged to Etherington.

NOT TRANSGENDER!! 

NOT A DRAG QUEEN!! 

NOT AN IMMIGRANT!!

The DC Circuit Court of Appeals dealt Cankles and DUI-hire Hegseth a defeat on the first day of Pride Month when they ruled that kicking out trans troops is unconstitutional and driven only by fear and hatred.

Happy Pride!!

Meanwhile, while many of us celebrate Pride, in Arkansas where it’s still the 1950s Governor Sarah Huckleberry Sanders has declared June to be “Fidelity Month” in her state, a time to “encourage renewed dedication to virtue, commitment, responsibility and shared moral foundations.”

This is rich coming from a former Cankles Press Secretary who propped up an adjudicated rapist, sexual predator, and accused child molester with three marriages and countless affairs in his lifetime.

You cannot make this shiz up.

Award-winning broadcaster Scott Pelley spent nearly four decades at CBS News, reported from war zones, covered presidents, anchored the network’s evening newscast, and became one of the defining faces of 60 Minutes. 

CBS News terminated Pelley this week after he publicly accused Bari Weiss, the network’s editor-in-chief, of "murdering" 60 Minutes and questioned the qualifications of newly installed executive producer Nick Bilton.

Bye CBS.

Just a thought … you don’t get four cognitive tests in eighteen months unless the doctors are monitoring your dementia.

Roche Kilian is an actor, a model, a social media influencer, and says he’s only here to motivate, inspire and lead by example … for example, Would You Hit It?

Bobservations

The other morning I was in our home office and Carlos came in to ask a question:

“I need a word that starts with letter ‘B’ for an acronym we’re trying to create.”

“A ‘B’ word? Any ‘B’ word?”

“Yes—”

“Box, boxer, boxing, butter, biscuit, baker, bowling, ball, basketball, bruise, big, back, backwards, babbling, Babel, basement, baby, babysitter, back, backhand, backache, Bug, Bat, Bus, Bun, Bin, Boon, Bliss, Beard, Bread, Brain, Bugle, Beauty, Brave, Baggage, Budget, boredom—

“STOP!!!”

“Bureaucracy, Ban, Buy, Bear—”

“BOB!!!!”

“Yeah! Bob, and beach and …”

I could have gone on and on but finally I said,

“Believe.”

“Yes. That’s it.

Best be.

This Tuxedo says is from September 2021 …

But by all means, sit by and do nothing and let it happen, or … CAST A GODDAMNED VOTE!

It appears that the massive crowds expected at Melanie: From Whore House to White House never appeared. It its third weekend it suffered a 62% drop in attendance and puts the “film” on a path toward grossing $15.4 million in total, nowhere near the $40 million that Jeff Bezos’ Amazon spent to acquire it and an additional $35 million to promote it.

Amazon MGM swears that Melanie: From Whore House to White House will muster strong numbers on streaming to make up for its poor box office showing but they have no plans for a release date as yet.

Movie-speak for no one will see this.

By now, you’ve all heard about the disappearance of Nancy Guthrie from her home in Arizona. Sad; I wouldn’t wish it on anyone and I hope they find her alive and everything ends well.

But … cases like these infuriate me because all the media hype surrounding the case has made its way into every single news program mostly because Nancy Guthrie is Today show host Savannah Guthrie’s mother.

And because she’s white. It isn’t lost on me, nor should it be on anyone, that when a women of color goers missing, you barely get a blurb on the news before it moves to the back page.

If it’s a trans woman you get almost zero news reporting, and the same goes for missing or murdered  indigenous women.

I wish the media would treat all missing persons stories the same and not continually give precedence to white women and young white girls, while ignoring any and every other woman that is taken.

Anderson Cooper is leaving 60 Minutes after turning down an offer from CBS News—formerly the Columbia Broadcasting System but now called Complete Bull Shit—to renew his contract. Cooper, a longtime Husband-In-My-Head, has been a correspondent with 60 Minutes for nearly two decades and was reportedly on Complete Bull Shit News MAGAt-editor-in-chief Bari Weiss’ short list to anchor the Complete Bull Shit Evening News, but he not only rebuffed Weiss’ attempts to recruit him, but he also walked away from 60 Minutes.

Excellent job, sir.

Orlando is about to take a long-anticipated step at demolishing the former Pulse nightclub to make way for a permanent memorial honoring the 49 people killed there in 2016.

Some signage will be saved and become part of the memorial, and the current shrine along S. Orange Avenue will be partially closed during the work, though a small area will stay open so visitors can still leave flowers and other tributes.

Never forget. 

Kunal Nayyar of “Big Bang Theory” has been quietly paying medical bills for random families in need:

“Money has given me greater freedom and the greatest gift is the ability to give back, to change people’s lives … [but] what I really love to do is go on GoFundMe at night and just pay random families’ medical bills. That’s my masked vigilante thing! So, no, money doesn’t feel like a burden. It feels like a grace from the universe.”

The actor—who played Raj Koothrappali on “Big Bang Theory”—boasts a net worth of $45 million.

Good on him.

This is Hungarian born model Máté Kovács—who apparently also goes by Kovács Máté—but the question is, under either name Would You Hit It?

Meme Dump

Ain't That America XXIX ...

I have decided to simplify the “Ain’t That America” posts by giving you what amounts to a headline, along with my personal thoughts about said headline. It’s quicker for me to post a few bullet points and quicker for y’all to read, so let’s go …

What better way to get the media and your enemies to stop talking about you raping girls on a tropical island than by invading another country.

Remember when the GOP went after Putin for invading Ukraine without cause but stayed silent when America raided Venezuela for the same reason last week? It’s not drugs or terrorism; it’s oil and money and greed.

If you needed proof that former news network SeeBS has flipped to the MAGAt side, note that the White House gave them the scoop on the illegal attack on Venezuela.

Candace Owens says it was the Jews who orchestrated the attack on Venezuela because Candace is an anti-Semitic lunatic.

Cankles now says the US will “run” Venezuela. Funny, because he is running America into the ground so I guess we can see the future of Venezuela.

Miss Lindsey Graham pulled her head out of Cankles’ ass long enough to call the attack on Venezuela “amazing”  and says Cuba should be next.

Pammy Jo Bondi praised Cankles for his “courage” in sitting in the White House and ordering American military men and women to put their lives on the line in Venezuela while he stuffed his gullet with McDonalds.

Senator Tim Kaine says he will force a Senate vote on Cankles war powers, though the GOP—still Carrying Cankles’ water—will fight that.

Most of the world has denounced America—and Cankles—for the attack; that ain’t America when most of the world comes for us.

One MAGAt Republican Thomas Massie claims Cankles’ threat to Iran is just like Venezuela: it’s about oil and money. One smart Republican who isn’t afraid to speak the truth.

It seems that both Cankles and the Couchfucker claim the attack on Venezuela was because they had “stolen” our oil with no explanation of how it was done … maybe it was that giant invisible pipeline Venezuela built in Alaska to funnel oil to South America when no one was watching?

The Wall Street Journal poked Cankles for going TACO on another round of tariffs.

The Democrats vow to campaign on the expired Obamacare subsidies and the idea that a great many Americans will see their health care insurance rates triple, but, hey, there’s oil to be had in Venezuela.

Tommy Tuberville, GOP clown, and many in that party, melted down over NYC Mayor Zohran Mamdani taking the oath of office on the Quran. Funny they had no trouble with a rapist, pussy grabbing pedophile swearing on the Bible.

Cankles says White House doctors say he’s in “perfect health” which explains the near constant medical procedures, the MRIs and the rotting flesh on both his hands, as well as those elephant ankles.

And Lastly, because this is funny and stupid and scary and all the things, but Chief Justice of the Supreme Court John Roberts is now calling for judicial impartiality. It’s kinda late, you traitorous prick.

And now you know, so … 

The Funny Papers

Marc Murphy, Michael de Adder, Nick Anderson, Pedro X Molina, Matt Wuerker, Max Espinoza, Clay Bennett, Dennis Goris, Chris Britt, Bill Bramhall, Gary Huck