It's Snarkurday!

Melania isn’t your Obama’s FLOTUS.

She’s a third wife, a wife who’s been cheated on by her husband with at least one porn star, a wife who just isn’t that into her job as First Lady, or her anti-bullying campaign, or, seemingly, anything. I mean, remember the story of the Melania body double? Google it …

But this is about Melania making herself scarce since the Stormy Daniels story broke. This is about her disappearing act in recent days …

First, she canceled a trip abroad with the Fat Bastard that was scheduled around their wedding anniversary.

She made an unscheduled visit to the Holocaust Memorial Museum.

She flew to Mar-a-Lago, alone, for a spa day … that cost you and me $64,600.

She skipped out on a fundraiser, disappointing many guests who had been told FLOTUS would be there; to be fair, Melania did show up, but left before the guests arrived. And there was a giant portrait of the Invisible First Lady up for auction, though it didn’t sell.

But she did show up at the SOTU though she refused to stand while her BLOTUS preached about faith and family values.

Like I said, she ain’t your Obama’s FLOTUS.

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Gosh, I loathe Beyoncé and Jay-Z.

I mean, they keep their lives private when people think she’s faking a pregnancy, but then they try to trademark their child’s name for the coins.

They refuse to discuss the rumors that he cheats on her, or she cheats on him, and then she releases an album of how it felt to be cheated on, so she can make some coins.

Then he releases an album in response to her album, so you sheep can throw more coins in their bank account.

Everything is about the coins; remember this, in the remix for his song “Diamonds From Sierra Leone” Jay-Z said:

“I’m not a businessman, I’m a BUSINESS, MAN!”

It’s all about the coins to them and they will sell their souls, and their children’s souls, and their private lives, for a little jingle.

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Here’s another one of those stories of a Hollywood male star being accused of sexual harassment: Fred “Wonder Years” Savage.

Yup. And apparently just the mere thought of that story coming out back in 1993 caused The Wonder Years to get the axe.

In an LA Times article from 1993, Monique long, a former costume designer, accused Fred Savage and his TV brother Jason Hervey of physical and verbal abuse. Eventually the suit was settled out of court by ABC but then the show was canceled. And now, twenty-five years later, Savage’s TV mom, Alley Mills, says it was true that the allegations caused the show to be killed, though she does not believe the rumors to be true:

“So I just thought [the lawsuit] was a big joke and it was going to blow over. It’s a little bit like what’s happening now—some innocent people can get caught up in this stuff; it’s very tricky. It was so not true. It was my dresser, and I don’t care if she’s listening—I probably shouldn’t be telling this, but I don’t care because it was so long ago and it’s gotta be over now.”

Mills claims that she “wasn’t allowed to talk” back then about the lawsuit, or the settlement by ABC.

“That was incorrigible that the network did that; they should never have paid her off. They wanted to avoid a scandal or something, but it made them look guilty. You know, you don’t pay someone off when there was no crime, you just fire the girl.”

And what about the accuser, Monique Long? Well, she says this:

“What I will say at this time is, that back then, claiming sexual harassment was NOT popular nor acceptable in Hollywood. Now all these years later the truth about the dark side of Hollywood and the rampant prevalence of sexual harassment in the industry is out. It’s an issue of power and control and continues to be! People can say what they want, but the truth has always been public record in the complaint and all the documents and depositions filed with the courts. If anyone wants the truth of what happened they can read it there. To this day I stand by the truth in those documents. My only response to Ms. Mills’s slander is that it proves exactly why women in the industry are forced to remain silent about sexual harassment.”

Fred F**king Savage! Who knew …

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And speaking of former child stars behaving badly, what about Scott Baio; and I don’t mean his unflinching loyalty to a Fat Bastard adulterer and pussy grabber. Nope, Baio stands accused of molestation by his former Charles In Charge co-star, Nicole Eggert.

It all started on Twitter when Nicole responded to a Tweet from @tonyposnanski who made a joke about Scott not being able to accompany _____ to Switzerland, to which Nicole replied:

“Ask @scottbaio what happened in his garage at his house when I was a minor. Creep.”

The Tweet got loads of responses and Nicole replied to many, though she later deleted those Tweets, including one about Baio ALLEGEDLY molesting her from the age of 14 to 17. And, for his part, Baio also took to social media to video his response to Eggert’s claims:

“I’m going to knock down all these false claims against me. My reputation is being damaged. My family is being put through this and I’m done. I’m done. So, I’m going to walk you through this methodically and hopefully succinctly and please be patient because what I’m being accused of is horrible”

Alas, Baio’s explanation didn’t explain much; he says Eggert originally came forward with her allegations in 2012 and 2013 while promoting three reality TV shows, thought hose accusations eventually died down. Then, in the fall of 2017, Eggert and former Charles in Charge co-star Alexander Polinsky teamed up to bring those allegations out again and Baio’s legal team told them to call the police if they have acclaim.

Baio says he never molested Nicole when she was a minor and provided a sound bite from an interview she did back in 2013 where she claims she lost her virginity to Scott.  And he claims, as most predators do, that Eggert came onto him when she turned 18:

“Now, any normal, heterosexual, red-blooded, American guy… the outcome would have been the same, the same thing would have happened. She seduced me. She came in the house and started kissing me.”

Huh, a 30-somtheing year old man can’t keep an 18-year-old from kissing him?

Look, maybe he did and maybe he didn’t, but he’s a rabid _____ster and look what that Fat Bastard is into. Yeah, birds of a feather …

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Boy, Megyn Kelly is getting thirty. She started off by digging at Jane Fonda about her plastic surgery and then segued into a story about the reboot of Will & Grace where she asked a gay man in the audience if the show made him gay … because TV has that power. Then, recently, when Jane Fonda clapped back at her, Megyn Kelly trotted out that almost fifty-year-old story of Hanoi Jane.

Like I said, thirsty; but when your show is failing … so it comes as no surprise to learn that Kelly threw a Gold Medal Fit™ when NBC offered the job of anchoring this year’s Winter Olympics opening ceremony to Katie Couric.

Oops. Kelly might not be as Golden as she thought.

Rumor has it that Kelly insisted, when signing her $23 million-a-year contract with NBC last spring, that she could not be forced to do special events like the Winter Olympics, but once Matt The Perv Lauer—who usually handles such things—was ousted for being a dick, Kelly assumed she was next in line for the plum assignments. But NBC had other ideas, and brought back old standby, and Lauer cohort, at least on air, Couric.

After NBC gave the gig to Couric, Kelly started whining that she wanted the high-profile assignment and even went to [NBC News chairman Andrew Lack] but he didn’t care.

A source—and it may be Lauer, phoning it in from a Motel 6 in the Hamptons—says Lack, who signed Kelly to NBC and gave her the big coins, has finally realized that she’s “a diva” and that “she’s not going to be part of the NBC News … inner circle.”

Not so Golden, eh, Megyn. In fact, you’re not even bronze.

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I don’t care for Kim Kardastrophe, but I actually care even less for Wendy Williams, fond of making anti-transgender jokes.

So, when Williams threw some major shade at Kim Kardastrophe over the recent, very desperate, very thirsty, naked Instagram spree I did come down slightly more, slightly, on the Kardastrophe side because Wendy Williams is an ignorant hypocrite.

See, Williams said this on her show:

“Kanye makes money, Kim makes more, why are you still doing [nude photos]? It’s not even about the mother thing, forget the mother thing … It’s about, she doesn’t have to do that anymore.”

True, Kim Kardastrophe did make her name in homemade porn and so naturally Williams took her to task for that and for baring more skin on social media:

“We saw full boob … Sure she has a beautiful body, but so what?”

Williams then questioned Kardastrophe’s marriage to Kanye:

“Kim, it’s clear Kanye has nothing for you except dribble and dribble and evil conversation. It is clear that Kanye does not pay attention to you. It’s clear to me that you’re desperately trying to stay in the spotlight.”

Oh Wendy. Let she who has a perfect marriage cast the first stone. I mean, at least Kim’s husband didn’t buy a house to live in with his mistress.

How’s that working out for you?

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There is nothing like a thirty-five-year-old murder mystery coming back to life … as it were.

Case in point: the untimely, and unsolved, death of actress Natalie Wood.

In November 1981, Natalie Wood’s body was found floating in the water after she had gone missing from a yacht off the coast of Catalina Island. The story that was told is that she was drunk and fell into the water while trying to secure a dinghy that was knocking against the side of the yacht.

Wood’s death was originally ruled an accident, but in 2012 her cause of death was changed to “drowning and other undetermined factors,” and now Wood’s husband at the time Robert Wagner has been named a person of interest.

LA County Sheriff’s Department Lieutenant John Corina says Robert Wagner’s story changed several times and he believes Wagner is keeping something from the police:

“As we’ve investigated the case over the last six years, I think he’s more of a person of interest now. I mean, we know now that he was the last person to be with Natalie before she disappeared. I haven’t seen him tell the details that match all the other witnesses in this case. I think he’s constantly changed his story a little bit. And his version of events just don’t add up.”

Christopher Walken, who was on the boat that night, and rumored to have been having an affair with Wood, along with the yacht’s captain, Dennis Davern, have also changed their stories. They first said that they assumed Natalie took off in the dinghy in the middle of the night to go to shore, but Natalie’s sister Lana says Wood was afraid of drowning and would never have gotten into a small boat by herself at night.

Then, in a 2009 book co-written by Davern, he claimed to have heard Robert and Natalie fighting loudly in their cabin, and believes it turned violent since they were ALLEGEDLY drunk and high. Wagner, who thought Wood was cheating on him, was yelling at Natalie for talking too closely to Christopher Walken. Davern wrote that he heard Robert scream, “Get off my fucking boat.”

Fifteen minutes later, Wagner told Davern that Woods was missing. Davern wanted to call the coast guard, but Wagner ALLEGEDLY told him not to. Marilyn Wayne, who was on a nearby boat, has always maintained that she heard a woman screaming about drowning for 15 minutes straight, and she says she heard a man telling the women they were getting help. Davern has admitted to lying to the police that night, and said he now thinks Wagner had something to do with Natalie’s death.

Robert Wagner, for his part, wrote in his 2008 memoirs that he doesn’t exactly know what happened to Natalie. He said that he and Walken were fighting about her career, and he ended up smashing a bottle onto a table. Wagner believes Natalie either fell into the water while running away from the argument, or fell into the water while trying to secure the dinghy to the hull because it kept knocking against the boat.

Coroner officials added the change to Natalie’s death certificate in 2012 after looking at her autopsy report and added an addendum that the bruises on her body may have occurred before she went into the water. 

Walken, now 74, says he was asleep when Natalie went missing, but has talked to investigators, while Wagner, 87, has stayed silent ever since the case was reopened.

This is one of those cases that pops up every few years with ALLEFEDLY new evidence, but nothing ever happens.

Still, it is a mystery.

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I Ain't One To Gossip But ....

So Chris Brown is a good guy now, right? I mean, isn't all up in The Gay's business and stuff, bein' all equality and shiz? Except .... Chris Brown has gone and assaulted a random woman at an Anaheim nightclub gig, ALLEGEDLY pushing 24-year-old Deanna Gines to the ground when they met in the VIP section.

Now, of course, she has torn ligaments and a lawyer, and Chris Brown has another court date.

His representative, Nicole Perna, who seems to be addicted to the Chris Brown Kool Aid, says, “I’m unaware of the incident, as is Chris’s lawyer and his entire team. He was in a great mood after Powerhouse. None of this makes sense.”

Because Brown only hits women when he's in a bad mood.

M'kay.

It's kinda sad when your go-to example for publicity is Paula Deen, but that's apparently who Kate Gosselin is looking up to these days, and trying to emulate.

It seems someone posted an ALLEGEDLY private photo of Gosselin in a plastic sumo wrestler-style wig, pulling the corners of her eyes back, you know, like them Asians do, and since the picture made a lot of people uncomfortable, Kate is doing a Sideshow Version of the Paula Deen Mea Culpa Tour, saying: "It was a happy time for me and Jon, smiling and ‘goofing off’ together. Jon and I were opening fan mail together one afternoon ... and when we opened this plastic Asian dress up wig sent from a caring fan, we smiled, each taking turns posing in it and snapping photos of each other. Naturally, I ‘slanted’ my eyes to show him my best Asian impression, which made him smile. ... I married an Asian. I have eight biracial children therefore I’m quite certain that I’m the last person that could be called a racist."

'Naturally' she slanted her eyes? OM-effing-G! Gosselin wants y'all to know that the photo was taken from her “home computer” and this whole thing “opportunistically turned into something that it never was intended to be.” And any second now, she’s going to say she’s being bullied again.

Kate, dear, you need to check your watch. Your fifteen minutes were up a while back and your mock outrage that someone should think you’re a racist is just you trying to stay relevant. You aren't.

Kanye West is someone’s father now, and while that might change a man’s life, that ain't how Kanye rolls. He rolls like Kris Jenner. You know, the same Kris Jenner who pimped out her daughter Kim's sex tape to make her a celebrity of sorts.

Well, now comes word that the Kanye West sex tape--with the Kash Kow look-a-like--that was making the rounds last fall, just might have been Kanye's doing.

Last year, when someone threatened to go public with a recording Kanye made of himself and an unidentified woman, Kanye almost took ownership of it himself, so he could sell it himself. He says he wanted to "neutralize any threat of extortion" when what he wanted was to score some green for his wallet.

Kanye West: “For the most part, I’d rather people have one of those home videos than some of the paparazzi photos that get published. At least I recorded the sh*t myself. That tape couldn’t have hurt me in any way if it came out—it could only have helped. Now, I just do exactly what I want, whenever I want, how the f*ck I want. ‘F*ck you’ is my message.”

And, yes, he's some girl's father now. He's as much as self-adoring fame-whore as the family he's hitched himself to for life.

A few weeks back, Jonah Hill gave a pissy interview to Rolling Stone and wouldn’t shut up about how he’s a serious actor now and no one else has ever transitioned from comedy to drama in the history of acting before so we all need to bow down at the altar of Jonah Hill and ...

Wait ....who's Jonah Hill?

Exactly. Moving on ....

So, back to the Kartrashians.

It seems that Bruce Jenner has been kicked out of his house, and forced to move into his other house that he lives in when he isn't filming his reality show and acting like he's a happily married man.

A source--and you know it's Kris because she has a talk show to plug--says, “[Bruce] decided to ditch the family home because he was constantly being told to be quiet because of baby Nori. Bruce was unable to have his friends over to fly their remote controlled helicopters in the backyard because of concerns of noise. The entire household has been turned upside down because Kim and Nori have moved in. Bruce has been run out of the house! Kris didn’t encourage him to stay either.”

So, rather than keep quiet, or tell your big-assed step-daughter to take her baby to her own home, or even the home that Kanye has in Paris or New York that are right down the street from his BFF, designer, Riccardo Tisci, Bruce Jenner moves out?

I think he had a bit more plastic surgery and he needs the peace and quiet and doesn't want to listen to Kim squawk about giving birth--because she's the first woman to do so--over and over.

This is just for kicks. Or slaps. Or smacks.

Apparently, Al Pacino and Christopher Walken were eating lunch at LA’s Brite Spot and when Pacino disappeared into the Little Actor’s Room—he ain’t that tall, y’all—Walken went looking for him. And he found Al pounding the walls and screaming profanities and stomping his iPhone into pieces.

“Smart phone, my ass,” Pacino bellowed, according to an eyewitness—so there were three men in the men’s room?—who added, “Al had been trying to use the so-called ‘Siri’ feature on his iPhone, but the automated voice kept giving him wrong information. Angrily eyeballing his shattered phone, Pacino snarled, “That’s the last time that f***ing witch speaks to me!’”

As they left the bathroom, Walken nodded at the amazed diners who’d heard the commotion, and said, “And people think I’m the crazy one!”

Who knows if this is true. I mean any story that starts off with Al Pacino and Christopher Walken were in the men’s room has got to be good, but I would have believed it more if Walken had found Pacino screaming, “You’re out of order! The whole Verizon network is out of order!!”

Just sayin’.

Ready for some Biebs? Me neither, but what’s a gal gonna do?

Remember all those pictures of Miss Justine Bieber being carried by her body guard—you misty have seen them here if nowhere else. Well, Little Justine wasn’t being carried into the car, really, she was being held back by her bodyguard because she was about to go all Mean Girl on a paparazzi.

During the scuffle, Bieber lost a hat and shoe, but the photographer was actually knocked flat on his back by Bieber, which led to all kinds of folks—police, fire, ambulance, Star magazine—flocking to the scene.

There was all kinds of buzz later on that prosecutors were going to press battery charges against the diminutive starlet/singer, but nothing ever came of that until now ….

The photog, who survived his brutal beating by the Pint-sized Pop Star, is now suing Biebs because he says, and this makes me laugh so hard my sides are aching, that Justin Bieber delivered a crushing MMA-type [Mixed Martial Arts] kick to his abdomen.

The paparazzi, Jose Osmin Hernandez Duran, claims that when he was shooting Justin trying to be strapped into his car-seat in his brand spanking new Mercedes, that the Little Boy became so enraged that people would see him snuggling his Binky that he jumped out of the car and “delivered a martial arts-type kick … in the lower rib cage on the left side of his abdomen.” The suit also ALLEGES that Bieber used his left fist to punch Hernandez on the right side of his face and then pushed him against a parked car.

The photog doesn’t give a specific amount he wants for the alleged assault and battery but I’m guessing it’s in the millions. Still, it begs the question: do you wanna go to trial and publicly say that you were beat up by Justin Bieber?

C’mon!

I’ve got nothing on Madonna this week, but I ran across this picture of her with Stella McCartney at some fashion thingy and began wondering: when did Madonna become Karl Lagerfeld?

Just sayin’.