Snarky Thoughts

Over the weekend Jennifer Lynn Lopez Noa Judd Anthony became Jennifer Lynn Lopez Noa Judd Anthony Affleck. In between marriages she also dated Diddy, Cris Judd, Casper Smart, Drake, and Alex Rodriguez.

My Thought: how long before this current “love of her life” fizzles.

Khloé Kardashian who began dating Tristan Thompson while his current girlfriend was pregnant,, and then had a aby of her own with him, while he cheated on her repeatedly, is having another child with him via surrogate so her daughter will have a sibling with the same father who is also fathering children everywhere else on the planet.

My Thought: not the best example to show your daughter or your, possible, son.

One of Hollywood’s Hot Chris’s, Chris Evans, who has no issue with onscreen nudity, says he is “laser-focused on finding a partner.”       

My Thought: I’m right here, Chris, and Carlos has given me a Hall Pass.

Cardi B and Offset’s daughter, Kulture, recently celebrated her 4^th birthday and, as most parents know, they gifted their child with the traditional Fourth Birthday Gift: $50,000

My Thought: cuz nothing says Mommy and Daddy love you like a basket of cash.

Jen Shah, of the Real Housewives of Salt Lake City, who was charged with defrauding elderly people last year and spent the season on the show screaming and crying about her innocence, even going so far as to create and sell “Not Guilty” and “Free Jen Shah” merch, has changed her mind and pleaded guilty in federal court. She faces 11 to 14 years behind bars and must pay $9.5 million in restitution.

My Thought: you’re a criminal, and you know it, so maybe don’t take a job on a reality show where you flaunt your “wealth.”

I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

I have no clue who country singer Sam Hunt is, but in that photo up there he is giving me low rent country Chris Evans and I am kinda here for it. But Sam isn’t here for that, just like he’s no longer there for his marriage.

Sam Hunt went from a college football career to a country singer with his debut album, Montevallo, which was all about his love for his high school sweetheart-turned-wife, Hannah Lee Fowler. And that sounds sweet except that this week, while pregnant with the couple’s first child, Hannah filed for divorce because Sam ALLEGEDLY suffered from that age old malady Wandering Dick Syndrome.

Sad, except that in his songs, Sam has often admitted what a messy human he is; he once released a song entitled “Drinking Too Much,” and even wrote a song about cheating on his wife. And now it’s divorce after 17 years together, five of those as a married couple. And, while not a singer or songwriter, Hannah has really laid out some nice verses about Sam, claiming he is “guilty of inappropriate marital conduct,” “guilty of adultery,” and “guilty of such cruel and inhuman treatment or conduct toward the spouse as renders cohabitation unsafe or improper.”

Ouch. Hannah, six months pregnant with the couple’s first child, is asking that “all parties be awarded their respective separate property” though she wants custody of their child; oh, and she got really specific about alimony … she wants transitional, while the divorce works itself out, and rehabilitative, for when she works on herself, and future alimony.

There’s no word on how Hannah found out about his recent cheating blitz, and if it was a one-time thing or a recurrence of his, um, condition. We may get the details,  however, when Sam inevitably releases a tell-all album about all of this.

I mean, come on, my high school girlfriend marries me, I get drunk, she gets pregnant, I cheat and a divorce blows up? That has awards written all over it except … for a hot minute it was announced that Hannah called off the divorce, but then that minute passed and we learned that Hannah Lee Fowler’s lawyers fucked up and filed for divorce in the wrong jurisdiction and have since filed in the right county.

So, it’s on!

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Do you understand the geopolitical issues surrounding the Russia/Ukraine conflict as Russian President Vladimir Putin declared parts of Ukraine independent? If not let’s take a moment to let our resident expert on such situations break it down for you. Take it away, Cardi B!

Cardi took to Twitter about the ongoing Russia/Ukraine crisis, calling out “world leaders” for sanctioning each other and fighting wars while citizens suffer. A lot of the Twitterverse assumed Cardi was hac\ked, but, oh Hell no. Cardi got right back on there to declare via video:

“This phone is not hacked, it’s really me! I actually want to say a lot of things, but I’m just gonna mind my business because sometimes, I feel like I have such a big platform that if I don’t say the right things, I might get killed.”

Yes, Cardi B knows so many details about the Russia-Ukraine situation that if she says too much she will be assassinated. I mean, listen to her:

“I’m really not on NATO’s side, I’m really not on Russian side, I’m actually in the citizens’ side, because at the end of the day, the world is having a crisis right now. This inflation not only in America, but everywhere in the world! It’s really hard to get the economy back up. There is so much shipments and embarkments backed up, China’s not really messing with us, so a lot of things are behind, a lot of goods are behind, and this s–t just made it a lot more complicated, so I’m just really annoyed by this. And I really wish all world leaders right now, just really come to the logical conclusion, but whatever.”

Seriously. I’ll believe her when she points out Russia and Ukraine on a map. Hell, have her find America.

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Back in 2016, Courteney Cox admitted to something that anyone with two eyes, hell, anyone with one good eye, or even blind people with a seeing eye dog could see: that she has had many cosmetic procedures. Courteney said she regretted her choices and in 2017 announced she was “filter-free.” Now, in 2022, with a new TV show to promote and nothing else much to talk about, Cox is back again to talk surgeries and Botox and such.

Courteney says that back in the day she was chasing her youth, and didn’t realize how strange all the cosmetic procedures made her look:

“There was a time when you go, ‘Oh, I’m changing. I’m looking older.’ And I tried to chase that [youthfulness] for years, and I didn’t realize that, oh shit, I’m actually looking really strange with injections and doing stuff to my face that I would never do now.”

Did no one sit her ass down in front of a mirror?

But then she began reading what people were saying about her face and she says she realized she had “to stop. That’s just crazy.”

Crazy like she could’a played The Joker in one of the many Batman reboots without a lot of time in the make-up chair.

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We all know Kanye Ye is nuts, and we’ve all read about his attacks on just about everyone, But his former mother-in-law? That Woman. The one he once called “Kris Jong-un? He likes her, he really likes her! He actually calls her a “hero” though he declares that her boyfriend, Corey Gamble is “godless.”

But then he revealed his list of all the people he hates at the moment. I saw it when a note was passed to me in  homeroom, and I passed it along for the rest of the elementary school kids to read.

Let’s break it down: Ye hates his ex-wife’s current boyfriend, Pete Davidson, whom he affectionately calls “Skete,” He hates Kid Cudi for calling Ye a “dinosaur” and he still hates Taylor Swift and Drake, and has added his current nemesis, Billie Eilish, to the list, along with shoe brand Nike, and … wait for it, it’s sooooooo Ye … Peppa Pig. Here’s Ye in his own, rambling, nonsensical words:

“Come on guys…This list is twice as long. You gotta put Apple Spotify Vivendi Universal Lucien Grange Tik Tok Black History Month Obama the whole cast of SNL Hillary Clinton the Devil himself Corey Gamble Bezos Charlamagne Disney Librals. And of course Skete and any and all corny shit in general. Can somebody from Chicago let these people know what Skete meant when we was growing up It’s up for everybody!!!!! Wow. Being rich is fun!!!!”

Seriously. He’s like the male Cardi B. Maybe the two should get together and run for office?

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I Ain;t One To Gossip But ...

Last summer Cuba Gooding Jr. was charged with ALLEGEDLY groping a woman in a nightclub. And though he turned himself in to police, he ended up pleading not guilty to the charges.

Now, there was some video evidence, but Cuba was sticking to his story. And he paid a team of lawyers to shame his accuser by challenging her metal state, but the judge was buying it; Cuba went to court to face those charges … and he was hit with different charges for a separate event.

Gooding showed up to court thinking he was there to deal with the sexual assault case against him, which he was, but it was a different sexual assault case when the Manhattan D.A. told the judge there was a different incident with Cuba and this was their basis for a new charge.

Must be hard trying to keep all those women you groped straight, so you know what charge you’re fighting when you go to court, eh Cuba?

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Rapper Cardi B probably doesn’t write her own stuff, but the girl knows how to mouth off.

Exhibit A: Cardi ranting about Access Hollywood and a story on her in which they claim that Cardi’s daughter, Kulture—is she a Kardastrophe—calls someone else “mommy” because Cardi is working so much and never around. Cardi B lost her mind at this story, saying Access Hollywood “chopped up” her actual quote:

“A lot of people expect me to be in the studio, and then I gotta do other shit, like I filmed for Rhythm + Flow, I filmed for Hustlers, I’m working on fucking Fashion Nova … I’m sorry if I take time of my day that I could be five hours in the studio, but I’m spending five hours with my kid… Yes, I could have somebody babysit my kid, but it’s like, it’s a wack feeling when your kid don’t fucking…not even trying to fuck with you and try to call somebody else mommy.”

And she shamed Access Hollywood for chopping it up to create a narrative:

“That’s not what the fuck I said. Don’t use my motherfucking kid for clickbait bitch. Don’t fucking cut shit off, try to make me look like I’m a fuck-ass mom ‘cause that’s not something that I’m not.”

And she goes on:

“Access Hollywood suck my whole dick. Suck a dick, I hope your fucking mom catch AIDs, bitch.”

Wow, and she really is someone’s mother. Lovely.

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Former Fox News bimbo, and conservative tool for the party of Family Values, Stacey Dash, was recently arrested for domestic battery until her victim-husband bailed her out and dropped the charges.

That should have been a sign to shut up and move on, but when you’re Stacey Dash and you live for publicity, well, talk talk talk.

Dash is claiming that her recent time in jail for domestic battery was a result of a “martial spat that escalated” and that it happens to normal couples.

Huh? Bitch please.

“Like normal married couples my husband and I had a martial dispute that escalated.”

Sorry Stacey, I’ve been with Carlos 19 years and we’ve had spats and fights, and never once has it “escalated” into physical assault.

That’s you.

PS Stacey Dash was held in the Land O’ Lakes detention facility in Florida. Seriously? A butter-churning detention center? I thought that would be just for farmers or Amish people.

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Ricardo Chavira played Eva Longoria’s TV husband on Desperate Housewives and so maybe that’s why he had some thoughts on Felicity Huffman getting a soft slap on the wrist for her involvement in the Operation Varsity Blues scandal.

He was pissed, and maybe not just because his TV wife, Eva Longoria wrote a glorious letter to the judge asking him to go easy on Felicity; what, like give her three days instead of fourteen. Bitch please. Anyway, Chavira doesn’t seem to think Felicity is all that, and took to Twitter, because, of course, to vent:

“White Privilege. And I saw Eight years’ worth of it, so I know what I’m talking about. Accountability and Responsibility don’t mean shit to these people. … I’ve seen a lifetime of it being a halfbreed, and I’ve struggled with the intricacies of it on a daily basis with all the cultural bias I’ve received on both ends. But whatever. Slap on the wrist. Sorry, but this shit.”

And it is, because Felicity, while she sort of accepted responsibility, also said she was just trying to get her daughter a break because it’s tough out there for the child of millionaire celebrities.

I’m #TeamChavira because he’s right and he’s hot and I’m shallow.

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And also because I’m shallow, I’m gonna end with Angelina Jolie at the premiere of Maleficent: Mistress of Evil looking regal radiant and fierce.

That’s all.

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I Ain't One To Gossip But ....

In a recent interview with Kim Kardastrophe—which she gave to her lunatic husband Kanye ‘Leviticus’ Kardastrophe for a show I believe is called Fame-Seeking Fame-Whores Chatting With Fame-Seeking Fame-Whores—Kim discussed her future plans:

“I see us living on a ranch in Wyoming, occasionally going to Palm Springs and our home in Los Angeles — and becoming a lawyer.”

She wants to move to Wyoming?

Kimmy? Need help packing?

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Remember the good old days when Cardi B feuded with Nicki Minaj and threw shoes at her? Well, Cardi has moved on from Nicki and is now doing battle with … wait for it, it’s totally Cardi … a bunch of 10-year-olds.

Cardi went on an Insta-Rant last week, shrieking:

“Not gonna let no little f **- king white boys come at me all motherf **- king day long. Motherf **- king shut the f **- k up and stay in your motherf **- king place. Go drink your motherf **- king milk, bitch. F ** k.”

Now we’ve learned that those “mother**king white boys” are four 10-year-old quadruplet brothers who post their music on their own Instagram account, and posted a “diss track” directed at Cardi two weeks ago, featuring the not-so-nice, but clearly g-rated lyrics, “You belong in a zoo” and “They could fix your teeth, but they couldn’t fix your face” and “I don’t know what’s faker: your life or your butt.”

The boys—who go by the rap names Hollywood, Slim Z, Bonez McKoy and Mr. Great—say they targeted Cardi because “she’s been a bully” to other rappers in a number of songs.

And that sent grown-assed woman Cardi B into such a frenzy that she is attacking children.

PS Cardi has a child of her own. I wonder what she’ll do about that child sassing her.

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So, about a month ago, Miley Cyrus and soon-to-be ex-husband Liam Hemsworth called it quits.

And ALLEGEDLY it was due to Miley cheating on Liam with Brody Jenner’s girlfriend Kaitlynn Carter.

And because that hurt her ego so much, to be accused of being a cheater, Miley took to social media to claim she wasn’t a cheater and she didn’t cheat with Kaitlynn Carter and y’all need to shut up.

This week Kaitlynn and Miley have moved in together. Uh huh.

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That whole Jussie Smollett being attacked by MAGA hat wearing white supremacists story will just not die, and this latest bit is the craziest part yet.

If you remember, Smollett was accused by police of staging the racist hate crime for attention, and he was charged for faking it until all the charges were mysteriously dropped. Then the City of Chicago then demanded Smollett pay back the $130,000 for what was spent on police overtime and other costs while investigating the made-up crime; Smollett refused and so the city is suing him.

And, this is the crazy part, in an effort to keep Smollett from paying back what he cost the city of Chicago, his legal team—Jacoby and Meyers?—is actually blaming the extra costs on the police department themselves because … because … that had the nerve to investigate the false story in the first place.

Uh huh. Smollett’s lawyer, one William J. Quinlan, is trying to convince the court that it isn’t Smollett’s responsibility to pay for anything because if the cops didn’t believe him they should have just let it go.

Quinlan also claims that although Smollett maintains the attack was real when he filed the report, and he had no idea that the police would spend so much of their time and resources to find his ALLEGED attackers and for that reason alone he shouldn’t have to pay back a dime.

Jussie? Honey? Your career is over. You will, rightly or wrongly, for the rest of your life be thought of as the man who cried Hate Crime when two people he knew beat him up on the street.

Just pay back the money, go get a job in strip mall somewhere, and be quiet. Please.

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Wendy Williams has had a messy few years, what with her own substance abuse issues; her husband cheating on her; denying to anyone and everyone that her husband was a cheater; her husband buying a house for his side-piece right down the street from the one he shared with Williams; the mistress having her husband’s baby.

But now Williams wants y’all to believe that she had a plan this whole time.

Appearing on The View, Williams says she always knew her husband, Kevin Hunter, was cheating on her with Sharina Hudson and yet says she chose to stay with him:

“I’m not a selfish mom. I’m a very plot-ative individual. Like I will plot on you. That’s why I’m going into Season 11 and he’s changing Pampers.”

Williams ALLEGES that stayed with Hunter because of their son, Kevin Hunter Jr., despite the fact that her friends begged her to leave:

“So I said, ‘No, no, no, no, no. I will stay here. I will make sure his braces get tightened properly … I will drive him to the SAT prep courses. I will help him do his essays for college, and now he goes to college in Miami.”

Funny, she could have done all that and still kicked her adulterous husband to the curb; lots of women do. And, to hear some tell it, she’s still knee deep in the messiness.

Late in 2018,Williams appeared drunk on her own show, slurring her words, and later blamed that mess on painkillers  she took after fracturing her shoulder.

And, Williams claims she was already sober—clearing meaning that at some time before she was not sober—when she entered a sober-living facility earlier this year; and she ALLEGES she was just using the place for a little time away; I guess all the hotels in New York were booked?

But a source claims Williams was, and still is, abusing alcohol, claiming Williams left the sober-living facility to get drunk after Hudson gave birth, and that she has recently gone into rehab in Florida for her issues.

Here’s the deal Wendy … you’ve spent the better part of two years denying your husband was cheating and then suddenly you want us all to believe you had a plan to stay with him until your eighteen-year-old son passed his SATs before you filed for divorce?

I believe that as much as I believe sober living facilities are a place to unwind, and appearing drunk in public is because of too much aspirin.

Take a seat …a good long seat.

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I Ain't One To Gossip, But ....

I generally like my gossip fresh, but the only fresh gossip Richard Dreyfuss can hock up is about how … nearly twenty years ago … Bill Murray was a drunken, belligerent bully who once threw an ashtray at his face on the set of What About Bob?

Dreyfuss says:

“I didn’t talk about it for years. … Bill just got drunk at dinner. He was an Irish drunken bully, is what he was. … He came back from dinner [one night] and I said, ‘Read this [script tweak], I think it’s really funny.’ And he put his face next to me, nose-to-nose. And he screamed at the top of his lungs, ‘Everyone hates you! You are tolerated!’ There was no time to react, because he leaned back and he took a modern glass-blown ashtray. He threw it at my face from [only a couple feet away]. And it weighed about three quarters of a pound. And he missed me. He tried to hit me. I got up and left.”

Murray must also be a terrible shot if he was a couple of feet away and missed Dreyfuss’s melon completely with a large glass object. But still, it must be true, because one of Dreyfuss’s children, Ben, took to Twitter to confirm the story, claiming himself, his sister and his mom were all there:

“This story about Bill Murray is 100% true and I was on that set and so was [my mom and my sister]. And there’s actually worse shit that Bill Murray did during that movie to other people that my dad didn’t even mention because he probably felt it wasn’t his place.”

Until twenty years later.

Take a seat Dreyfuss family, this won’t make any of you relevant.

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Wendy Williams has had a hot mess of a life lately, between rumors of a husband cheating, only to be confirmed as fact when the husband’s sidepiece delivered his baby; and then there was Wendy falling off the wagon into some kind of substance abuse issue; and then there was the ex-con younger sidepiece Wendy picked up; and now this …

Wendy’s son, Kevin Hunter Jr., has just pleaded not guilty to assaulting his father, Kevin Hunter.

Kevin Jr. appeared in a New Jersey court for an arraignment stemming from his May 21 arrest for ALLEGEDLY fighting with his father outside of a Krauszer’s Food Store in West Orange; apparently the first flew after Junior called his Daddy a “bitch.”

Lovely family, no?

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Kim Kardastrophe has done it again. Something stupid, ignorant, self-serving and egotistical, I mean.

It seems Mrs. Yeezy created—well, she had someone create it for her and then she took the credit—a  new “solutionware” line of undergarments. Not so bad, but then ...she named the line Kimono.

Yes. She did. And now she’s trying to defend herself against accusations of cultural appropriation and outright disrespect by claiming she did it for the Kulture.

Yes. She did. And in a statement—written by someone else no doubt, because she’s a Kardastrophe—Mrs. Yeezy said:

“I made the decision to name my company Kimono, not to disassociate the word from its Japanese roots but as a nod to the beauty and detail that goes into a garment.”

Right. Then she added:

“My solutionwear brand is built with inclusivity and diversity at its core and I’m incredibly proud of what’s to come … which is why I can appropriate the word.”

Okay, that last line was me. And to be fair, Mrs. Yeezy isn’t trying to stop people from calling kimonos ‘kimonos,’ and she’s not going to send a cease and desist letters to Japan. She just wants to make her followers who have a collective IQ of 4, think Kimono is a play on Kim and that she’s so savvy and smart.

Yes. She did. But then a group called Tokyo Fashion got involved and said:

“Kim [Kardastrophe] filed for a bunch of trademarks on the word "kimono" (even for actual kimono), which, if granted, would allow her to ban Japanese companies from using the word "kimono" in America.”

Yes. She did. And then the Mayor of Kyoto, Daisaku Kadokawa, told Mrs. Yeezy to, well, eff off, in the kindest way:

“I am writing this letter to convey our thoughts on Kimono and ask you to re-consider your decision of using the name Kimono in your trademark. Kimono is a traditional ethnic dress fostered in our rich nature and history with our predecessors’ tireless endeavours and studies, and it is a culture that has been cherished and passed down with care in our living. Also, it is a fruit of craftsmanship and truly symbolizes sense of beauty, spirits and values of Japanese.”

He goes on, but apparently it was enough to send Mrs. Yeezy back to the branding board because she’s changing the name.

I might suggest … ‘Kim? Oh. No.’ Might I suggest that the “solution” is for you to go away?

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And now, in crazy … Rihanna posted a photo of herself on Instagram wearing H2T [that’s Tyra Banks speak—hence the crazy—for ‘head-to-toe’] Fenty schmata—which is Rihanna’s clothing line.

Now, Tyra didn’t comment on the clothes, or RiRi’s style or fashion sense or business acumen. Nope, Tyra commented that she thought it was a picture of her because she thinks she and RiRi could be twins.

Crazy. On her best day … never.

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More crazy? Okurrrrrrrrrrr.

And I can say that now, out loud and proud because Cardi B had filed for a trademark on ‘Okurrrrr’—she says it’s her catchphrase—and her application was dee-nied by U.S. Patent and Trademark officials who explained that Cardi’s ALLEGED slogan falls under the category of “widely-used commonplace expressions,” and did not fit the bill to deserve a trademark.

Who knew Nicki Minaj worked for the Patent office?

Okurrrrrrrr?

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Years ago Grace Jones played May Day in A View To A Kill and so executives on the newest Bond film, AKA Bond 25, thought it’s be cool to have her back again.

But, sadly, or not, the only was you’re gonna see Jones in Bond again is to watch A View To A Kill again, because she is not coming back after all. Well, she was back, and filming, but then she allegedly walked off set because she thought her role was too small.

Um, honey? Love you. Love everything about you. Thinking of being you for Halloween, but … Bond films are about Bond. It’s not called Grace Jones.

Okurrrrrrrrr?

Thanks to the Patent office for letting me say that without having to slip any coins to Cardi B.

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I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

Last year, Lindsay Lohan was hyping the opening of her Lohan Beach Club in Mykonos with an MTV reality show of the same name.

The show premiered to mediocre ratings and terrible reviews … followed soon by her beach club opening to mediocre ratings and terrible reviews, and now both have been canceled after about a year.

Gird your loins, people, Lohan is out of work and on the loose …again!

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Remember last year when Cardi B ALLEGEDLY ordered a beat down on two strip club bartenders because one of them maybe had sex with Cardi’s man, Offset? Okay, I don’t really either, but the two bartenders, Jade and Baddie G claim they were injured by Cardi’s goons, and then Cardi turned herself in and was charged with two misdemeanors.

Until a Grand Jury heard the case and now Cardi B has been indicted with fourteen charges against her, including two counts of felony attempted assault with intent to cause serious physical injury, misdemeanor reckless endangerment, assault, criminal solicitation, conspiracy and harassment.

I wonder what they’ll charge her with for throwing that shoe at Nicki Minaj?

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I love history, and I love that Jennifer Lopez has been able to rewrite hers. Oh, not about her being an amazing musical talent, or an awesome actress, or the best dancer ever, cuz no one, save JLo and A-Rod, would believe that shiz.

No, JLo, on the verg of marrying ALLEGED serial philandered A-Rod in her fourth trip down the aisle, is saying it’s really only her second time as a bride because her first two marriages don’t count because, and this is full-on narcissistic, egotistical, batshit crazy JLo shiz, they didn’t happen in a church, neither one lasted more than a year, and she didn’t do it for the right reasons.

She’s practically a virgin, except for those two kids she had in her third first real marriage to Marc Anthony.

Still, it sounds like she’s sure this marriage will take, until it doesn’t and she says it’s because she’s a serial marrying dolt.

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And, taking a page from the Jennifer Lopez History Is Flexible Playbook is NBC and the Today show.

Today is celebrating its 25th anniversary of the move to their current studio—seriously, this warrants a party—and they have included every single playing on the Today show team … except for pervy Matt Lauer.

Well, it’s not like he was part of the show for 20 of the 25 years they’re celebrating … except it is.

Sheesh, I’m’a rewrite my own history … like I how I used to be JLo and was a host of the Today show with a trained chimp named Matty until I married Marc Anthony and gave birth to A-Rod.

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It seemed like only a moment ago, we talked for a brief second about that Cardi B-Nicki Minaj feud and what Nicki would do if Cardi went to jail. Well, as Nicki is apt to do, she’d start a new feud with someone, anyone, else. Like, say, oh I dunno, freakin’ Miley Cyrus?

In a song on her new EP She Is Coming (aka I’m Way Into Sex And Drugs, Y’All!), Miley, um, raps [?] about how she likes Nicki Minaj but listens to Cardi B instead. And Nicki, known for her outlandish clothes and thin skin took to  her radio show Queen Radio to call Miley out:

“You sucked all that d*ck, only to come out looking like a perdue f*cking chicken on stage, and then got mad and went back to country music. Sit yo’ stupid ass down.”

Miley has yet to comment on being called a chicken with no gag reflex, but Cardi B may have lost her shiz when she was getting her mugshot retouched.

Just sayin’.

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You hear stories about celebrities having things stolen … their jewels, their cars, their careers, their houses. Wait. What. Yup, back in March someone tried to steal Halle Berry’s house.

Apparently one Ronald Eugene Griffin showed up at Halle’s house last January and tried to mess with one of the door  locks until being chased off by a gardener. Then in March, Griffin returned with a locksmith and claimed to have the deed to the home, and while workers—does it seem like there are more workers and gardeners in Halle’s house than Halle—called the police, Griffin managed to get the locksmith to change one of the locks and then called the police to accuse the workers of trespassing on his property.

Oy, the cojones. Luckily the LAPD spoke to Halle who had no clue about her, um, ‘houseguest.’ And Griffin was kicked to the curb, er, arrested and charged with “a felony count of procuring and offering a false warranty deed and an additional count of petty theft.”

Must not be the nicest house if the charge was petty theft? Just sayin’. I’m also just sayin’, if Halle can’t even keep a house how can she ever hope to keep a man.

Ouch.

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