The Funny Papers

Mike Luckovich, Clay Bennett, Daniel Boris, Dennis Goris, Lalo Alcaraz, Chris Britt, John Cole, Nick Anderson,  S.G. Artley, Michael de Adder, Max Espinoza, Steve Brodner,

Why Is It ... But First ....

… that people need to remember that the TV is always on in my house because it’s my emotional support background noise.

… that the other day I told my boss I was going to the bathroom, burt didn’t say which one, and so I just went home.

… that when I tell people I’m in a good place right now, I don’t mean emotionally, I mean at a bar with good drink specials.

… that people named Debra will go by Deb but never Bruh.

… that while the best response is no response, but since I have a smart mouth you’re gonna hear from me.

… that I am a good person up until I see someone driving the speed limit in the left lane.

… that I just realized that I have reached that age where I am bothered by lights left on, open doors, loud noises … and people.

… that people need to know that once I unfriend you I will go to your profile and unlike my likes, unlove my loves, unwow my wows, and I will even unhaha my hahas.

… that some people need to know that I am in the the studio writing a diss track about them. Be afraid.

Don’t F%k With Jenny From Down Under

One of the best ways to get revenge on someone who’s done you wrong is to tell EVERYONE their business, even if it makes you look bad.

Yes, sometimes revenge is sweet.

Just ask Jenny, an Australian woman who took her revenge to the ad section of the local newspaper when her partner, Steve, cheated on her. Steve was a serial cheater, and Jenny had finally had enough but rather than confront him—cuz what fun is that—she took out a full-page ad in the Mackay and Whitsunday Life, letting everyone in town know Steve’s a filthy cheater.

And to add insult to injury, Jenny literally made Steve pay for the ad, though when the paper tried to process the payment, it was declined since the billing and booking names didn’t match up, so Steve got off … again.

DListed

Revenge Is Sweet, But In This Case It's Also Savory

Don’t come for a ‘mo unless he sends for you, because we may not all be the best fighters, but we can hit you where it hurts … right in the old family recipe.

It seems a gay man exacted revenge on his abusive and homophobic mother in a way that he thought most appropriate, and he did so by posting this to Tumblr:

Revenge is a dish best served piping hot from the oven, and then used for leftovers.

Oh, and a note to that homophobic mother: you need breadcrumbs to make a really good meat loaf, hon.

Bobservations

White House communications aide Kelly “He’s dying anyway” Sadler no longer works there.

No one knows if she quit or was asked to leave, but she’s gone … over a month after her idiotic, insensitive, stupid, typical of a _____ White House statement.

Bye Felicia.

The Environmental Protection Agency [EPA] paid $1,560 for 12 customized silver fountain pens for Administrator Scott Pruitt, according to internal emails.

Pruitt has already spent $43,000 his get Smart soundproof booth, $9,600 in office décor, thousands on first-class travel, and $3.5 million on round-the-clock security.

Pruitt is the swamp _____ promised to drain.

Update: One of the last things Missouri Governor Eric Greitens, a Republican Family Values man, because, of course, did before resigning last week was to sign a bill to outlaw blackmailing a person with private sexual photos.

Greitens himself is accused of taking nonconsensual photos of a woman during a sexual encounter and threatening to blackmail her with them.

Seriously. You cannot make this shiz up.

A friend posted a meme to Facebook that said:

I made the mistake of wearing red to a Target store this week. Long story short, I’m covering for Debbie on Saturday.

Cracked me up, and so I told Carlos about it and he said:

“Who’s Debbie?”

Kills me.

Okay, Cake Ruling … SCOTUS ruled 7-2 in favor of anti-gay baker Jack Phillips in Masterpiece Cakeshop vs. Colorado Civil Rights Commission case. Here’s the breakdown:

First, at the end of the day, a gay couple—Charlie Craig and Dave Mullens—were discriminated against simply for being gay.

Second, since the Court sided with the Hate Baker and allowed him to deny service to a gay couple, it may make gay people, gay couples, less likely to press for their rights if they fell discriminated against.

Third, the opinion includes troubling conclusions. The Court found that statements from Commissioners on the Colorado Civil Rights Commission evidenced so much anti-religious bias that they denied the Hate Baker a fair, impartial hearing. But those statements don’t really evidence bias.

But according to Towleroad, this is the most damning result. When the Commissioner in Colorado claimed that:

“Freedom of religion and religion has been used to justify all kinds of discrimination throughout history, whether it be slavery, whether it be the Holocaust, whether it be—I mean, we—we can list hundreds of situations where freedom of religion has been used to justify discrimination. And to me it is one of the most despicable pieces of rhetoric that people can use to—to use their religion to hurt others.”

And SCOTUS responded:

“To describe a man’s faith as ‘one of the most despicable pieces of rhetoric that people can use’ is to disparage his religion in at least two distinct ways: by describing it as despicable, and also by characterizing it as merely rhetorical—something insubstantial and even insincere.”

I guess SCOTUS can’t read, because the Commissioner’s comment called out using religion as a pretext for discrimination. And besides, the Commissioner was right: Christianity justified the Holocaust … religion was used to justify slavery … Religion was used to justify Jim Crow, apartheid, and laws against interracial marriage.

Masterpiece Cakeshop is neither a huge triumph for bigotry nor a devastating loss for equality … All nondiscrimination laws protecting LGBTQ people are still in effect and the Court did not grant business a broad right to discriminate.

The SCOTUS decision applies only to this case, but we still need to be vigilant and we still need to fight.

Sadly, the march goes on …

And here’s proof … in a Facebook comment, Michael Clark, a Republican, because, of course, South Dakota Representative announced this week that businesses should be able to turn away customers based on race:

“He should have the opportunity to run his business the way he wants. If he wants to turn away people of color, then that(‘s) his choice.”

Clark celebrated the Masterpiece decision as a “win for freedom of speech and freedom of religion” and he believes any business owner can turn away any customer for any reason just because he feels that way.

Clark is running unopposed for reelection.

Did you see _____ at his patriotic celebration yesterday? Did you notice that the king of all patriots, the most patriotic man in the world, doesn’t know the words to the National Anthem or God Bless America?

PS This guy … taking a knee at the staged event is giving me everything.

PPS Lebron and Steph Curry have said that no matter who wins the NBA Championship, no one is going to the White House.

Remember Zach Wahls, the then-19-year-old University of Iowa engineering student, who stood before the Iowa House of Representatives and gave an impassioned speech defending his two lesbian mothers?

The now- 26-year-old Wahls won the Democratic nomination for Iowa Senate District 37 with 60% of the vote; his nearest competitor got just 34%. And he looks like a sure thing to win in November.

Congrats, and good luck, Zach!

In New Jersey, out lesbian Julia Fahl defeated Mayor David DelVecchio, in office for 27 years, to become the new mayor of Lambertville.

In Alabama, gay former Marine Neil Rafferty is headed for a runoff in the race for the District 54 seat to replace Patricia Todd in the Alabama State Legislature. Candidates need more than 50 percent of the vote to avoid a runoff.

And, in San Francisco, openly gay former state senator Mark Leno pulled into first place early Wednesday morning in the mayor’s race after ranked-choice voting put him ahead of London Breed.

After all the ranked-choice votes were sorted, Leno had 50.42 % to Breed’s 49.58 %. No matter who wins, it will be a first for San Francisco: Leno would be the first openly gay mayor, and Breed would be the first African American woman to hold the job.

Pedro Sánchez Pérez-Castejón is a Spanish politician and the country’s new Prime Minister. First Justin in Canada and now Pedro in Spain. 

Is this the coming of hot leaders around the world because I’ll cover that story?

Random Musings

This picture breaks my heart ... little Carrie Fisher waiting backstage while her mother, Debbie Reynolds, took her curtain call ... how art kinda becomes life, and death.

I am stunned at the loss of Carrie Fisher. I have adored her for years, though not, as many have, from the Star Wars films. I was in awe of her wit and wisdom, her writings, her words; the way she faced down adversity with a quip and a smile; the way she took on mental illness with a vengeance and had us laughing about it.

I will miss her; I will miss the woman, who, during a question-and-answer period at a recent event, was asked what she would do with “the force” if she had it, and replied:

“I’d stop Donald _____.”

And then, just as the hurt over Carrie’s loss we learned about her mother, Debbie Reynolds’ passing. Carrie’s brother, Debbie’s son, Todd, said one of the last things Debbie said was that she wanted to be with Carrie.

Kathy Seldon, Singing In The Rain; Molly Brown in The Unsinkable Molly Brown; Tammy in Tammy and the Bachelor; and so many more ... but I’ll remember her as the feisty, funny, fabulous Bobbi Adler, Grace’s mother, on Will and Grace. Gosh, she had me smiling and then laughing out loud from that show.

So sad that they are both gone, though never forgotten.

RIP Carrie and Debbie.

John Tereska’s family are rabid _____ supporters, so John knew the perfect gifts to hand out on Christmas Day.

He gave them all gift boxes and when the boxes were opened the family discovered that John had donated, in their names, to groups like Planned Parenthood, the Human Rights Commission, the Southern Poverty Law Center, and the Sierra Club.

But he made a special donation in the name of his brother ... a donation, in his brother’s name, to the Democratic National Committee.

Revenge is a dish best served cold ... or as a Christmas present.

Carlos and I have been watching Good Behavior on TNT mostly because it stars Michelle Dockery as a drug-addled, bail-jumping, scam artist and petty thief, Letty Raines. And, yeah, this is the same Michelle Dockery that played the prim and proper, bitch in a kitten heel, Lady Mary on Downton Abbey, so it’s fun.

And it doesn’t hurt that it also stars Juan Diego Botto as Javier, Letty’s love interest. That’s him on the left; he’s been here before but he’s always welcome.

This week, however, the show introduced Todd Williams, on the right, as Sean, Letty’s Baby Daddy, a former meth-head, porn producer who says he’s now a changed man.

I see no reason to change ... he’s hot.

British TV presenter Richard Hammond, who co-hosts the automotive series The Grand Tour with Jeremy Clarkson, is making headlines for remarks he made on the show suggesting that if you eat ice cream, you’re gay, and not really a man.

Yup; the remarks came as Clarkson showed off the interior of a Rolls-Royce and said: “The only problem is that in one of those, you couldn’t enjoy a chocolate Magnum ice-cream.”

Hammond said: “It’s all right, I don’t eat ice-cream. It’s something to do with being straight.”

Clarkson was taken aback that the audience applauded Hammond’s remarks: “Are you saying everyone who likes ice cream is….?”

And so Hammond said: “Ice cream is a bit, you know…but a grown man eating an ice cream, you know, it’s a bit….it’s that way rather than that way.”

“You’re saying all children are homosexual?” responded Clarkson.

Seriously. Ice cream is gay? I’ve heard it all. Oh, and Richard Hammond is a homophobic asshat who, and I'll go low here, looks a little like someone who'd love to lick a Mr. Softee.

So, over the Christmas holiday the Republican National Committee’s seasonal message was released and, in it, they seemed to imply that Donald _____ is ... wait for it ... the Second Coming of Jesus Christ:

“Merry Christmas to all! Over two millennia ago, a new hope was born into the world, a Savior who would offer the promise of salvation to all mankind. Just as the three wise men did on that night, this Christmas heralds a time to celebrate the good news of a new King. We hope Americans celebrating Christmas today will enjoy a day of festivities and a renewed closeness with family and friends.”

This Christmas celebrates the good news of a new King? Yup, the RNC seemingly says _____ is just like Jesus except ....

They didn’t mean that at all, at least according to RNC spokestool Sean Spicer, who Tweeted—cuz that’s all these morons do—that the reference to “a new King” was not a reference to _____:

“Christ is the King. He was born today so we could be saved. Its (sic) sad & disappointing you are politicizing such a holy day.”

Except ... you said “new” King.

Donald _____ is the least Christ-like person on the planet. In fact, he’d be, in my mind and possibly the minds of the majority of this country considering less than 50% of us voted for him, the complete opposite of Christ ... whatever that is the ... the .... the ... oh yeah, the anti-Christ.

Just sayin’.

Remember when Pamela Ramsay Taylor, the director of Clay County Development Corp [CCDC], a West Virginian non-profit, called Michelle Obama “an ape in heels” and was fired from her job? See post HERE.

Well, guess what? On December 23, Pamela Racist Taylor was quietly reinstated once the firestorm over her racism dissipated and what the CCDC called a “month of quiet reflection and re-education.”

The CCDC kept Pamela Racist Taylor’s reinstatement quiet to avoid distraction ... or to keep people from realizing the powers that be at the CCDC might be as asshatted and racist as Pam, but when the Charleston Gazette-Mail learned the news, the story was out and people took to the CCDC Facebook page to protest.

Luckily, at least one person in charge at the CCDC recognized that Pamela Racist Taylor is a racist, was a racist, and will always be a racist, and so when West Virginia reviewed their contracts with the non-profit, it was decided that Pamela Racist Taylor would be fired ... again ... and for good this time.

Bye Felicia.

Well well well ... La Big Gay Scandal?

It seems someone went on Snapchat and kinda declared themselves to be actor Michael B Jordan’s gay lover ...

And that sent Jordan into a tizzy ...

 “I usually don’t comment creep but, you know, sh*t, today I got time. So look, whoever’s angry, bitter, upset for whatever reason, grow the f**k up ‘cause karma’s real. And I usually take the high road. I usually don’t say sh*t, I just let it roll ‘cause people are going to be people. Everybody got they opinion. That’s what the Internet’s for. They going to say whatever….On second thought, why am I even giving energy to that s**t on this day. Y’all my fans. Y’all don’t need to hear me ranting about some BS. So enjoy your family, enjoy your blessings, enjoy the people you hold close and cherish that. I think that’s more important than some comment.”

Um, Michael, as a gay man let me say, first of all, thanks for that top photo cuz, you know, scorching.

But, and this is where I get pissed, when actors are called gay, or implied to be gay, and they get all pissy it does one of two things to me: it makes me think you are gay—and I couldn’t care less, really—and it also pisses me off because when you get angry about the rumor that you might be gay, it perpetuates the myth that being gay is a bad thing.

It’s not; and so I’d think about that next time you wanna get pissy cuz some “anonymous” dude called you gay.

But, if you are ... again, thanks for that top photo.

Hell, thanks for the top photo anyway.

How Do You Solve A Problem Like Maria?

In this day of sex tapes popping up--no pun intended--all over the place, of Twitter and Facebook and MySpace, you'd think people would learn not to take nude photographs.

Apparently, they don't.

See, there's this thirty-one-year-old woman in Italy who is suing her ex-boyfriend because he put naked pictures of her on his Facebook page; the photos were taken when the two were vacationing several years ago. But times have changed and the two are no longer a couple. The woman has found a new boyfriend.

God.

Yes, this woman is suing because the posting of her nekkid ass for all the world to see has made her the butt--the unclothed butt--of jokes all over Italy.

Just when you thought it couldn't get more absurd.

Naked Nuns On Facebook!