Showing posts with label Patti LuPone. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Patti LuPone. Show all posts

Saturday, May 21, 2022

I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

Yes, I absolutely adore all things LuPone, from the voice to the face to the talent to the mouth that  just loves telling people off with F-bombs.

Patti LuPone once famously went on a tear about performing in a show and having an audience member haul out her phone for a text or Tweet or some nonsense. LuPone stopped the show cold and berated the woman for her rudeness; then, for good measure, Patti had her tossed from the theatre. Do not fuck with LuPone. And now someone else has.

Back story: Patti LuPone played Joanne in a West End revival of Company in 2018 and won an Olivier Award for it. When that revival moved to Broadway in 2020, Patti went with it, but after just a handful of performances, COVID-19 hit and Broadway was closed for nearly a year. The show re-opened when Broadway came back late last year, but last February Patti came down with COVID and had to bow out of a few shows, only to return to this nonsense.

Patti LuPone is not getting COVID again, no matter what, and so one night during a post-show Q&A with the cast of Company, LuPone noticed an indiscretion so vile, so contemptable, so below the character of a real theatergoer that she went off.

The rule of post-COVID theaters is fairly simple: audience members must cover their noses and mouths at all times except when they’re eating or drinking in designated areas. And yet someone dared to drop mask and show nose and La LuPone was not having it:

LuPone: Put your mask over your nose. That is why you’re in the theater. That is the rule. If you don’t want to follow the rule, GET THE FUCK OUT! Who do you think you are if you do not respect the people that are sitting around you!

Asshatted Theatergoer: We pay your salary!

LuPone: You pay my salary? Bullshit. [Producer] Chris Harper pays my salary. Just put your mask over your nose.

And, as Patti does when Patti goes off, the offending maskless trolls were herded from the theater, and hopefully banned from live performances for the rest of their lives.

Here’s to the divas who rant!

SIDENOTE: In 1993 Andrew Llyod Weber hired Patti LuPone to play Norma Desmond in Sunset Blvd. when it opened in London, with the caveat that Patti take the role to Broadway. Well, ALW decided he wanted Glenn Close to be his Broadway Norma, and unceremoniously kicked Patti to the curb. Patti sued for breach of contract and was awarded well over a million dollars which she used to build a pool at her Connecticut farm that she called the Andrew Lloyd Weber Pool.

Goddess, I adore her.

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Frank Langella is on the Whine Tour after being fired from the Netflix series Fall of the House of Usher after being accused by one of his co-stars of touching her inappropriately during a love scene, telling off-color jokes, calling women ‘baby’ and ‘honey,’ and touching without permission.

But Langella :::foot stomp head snap:::: says he is a victim of “the increasing madness that currently pervades our industry” because Frank thinks it’s still the 1960s and racist jokes and pawing women and acting like a pig are still okay. Unlike Bill Murray, who, after getting fired from a different film for similar offenses, realized “the world is different than it was when I was a little kid” and learned a lesson, the only lesson Langella learned was, well, nothing:

“I have been canceled. Just like that.

In the increasing madness that currently pervades our industry, I could not have imagined that the words ‘collateral damage’ would fall upon my shoulders. They have brought with them a weight I had not expected to bear in the closing decades of my career. And along with it has come an unanticipated sense of grave danger.

On April 14 of this year, I was fired by Netflix for what they determined to be unacceptable behavior on set. My first instinct was to blame. To lash out and seek vengeance. I interviewed crisis managers, tough connected lawyers, the professionally sympathetic at $800 per hour. Free advice was proffered as well:

‘Don’t play the victim.’

‘Don’t sue. They’ll dig into your past.’

‘Sign the NDA, take the money and run.’

‘Do the talk shows, show contrition, feign humility. Say you’ve learned a lot.’

Apologize. Apologize. Apologize.”

And yet he chooses to play the victim, declaring that Netflix has robbed him of the opportunity to play the one last great role of his career, that of Roderick Usher. And he digs in his heels and says he was being 100% professional and correct, and that his female co-star and the intimacy coordinator they’d worked with were being “absurd” about him running his hands up the actress’s leg after the director called “Cut!”

Cut it, Frank. Stop talking or all you’ll be remembered for is a handsy old man.

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Kim Kardastrophe’s determination to wear a dead woman’s clothes, which don’t even fit is never-ending; because after ALLEGEDLY losing 16 pounds in a matter of days to squeeze her ass in Marilyn Monroe’s gown for the Met Gala, Kimmy says she wore a second dress that she also borrowed from Ripley’s Believe it or Not Museum that night.

It must be a Dead Woman’s Clothes thing this year, after last year’s Hooded Head Nonsense and the Grandma’s Couch look from a few years back.

Oh, and it’s also a lie that she dropped some pounds to wear the gown because the dress didn’t cover her ass so Kim draped a fur over her butt to cover the gap … in fashion and taste and basic good sense, and her ass.

Now, I’m not saying Kimmy didn’t wear Marilyn’s dress, and I’m not saying she did, but I will say that the dress looked far better on Marilyn, and quite different on Kim, who says it was because she wore the straps differently.

Kimmy? You’ll never be a Marilyn Monroe Icon. She’s been gone sixty years and people still talk of her, write books of her, make films of her. When you’re gone six minutes the world will say, “Who?”

Well, it looks like Fred Savage is Frank Langella 2.0.

The former Wonder Years star, and current director and executive producer of the Wonder Years reboot, has been canned from a project for ALLEGEDLY ass-holiness and “inappropriate behavior.

Fred starred as Kevin Arnold in the original Wonder Years which ran from 1988 to 1993 and came in as producer for the 2021 reboot that focused on a Black middle-class family in the 1960s, and now all of his wonder years are over because Disney has cut ties with Savage following multiple complaints of misconduct:

“Recently, we were made aware of allegations of inappropriate conduct by Fred Savage, and as is policy, an investigation was launched. Upon its completion, the decision was made to terminate his employment as an executive producer and director of The Wonder Years.

Details about the nature of the allegations are unclear, but it seems as if Savage hasn’t really changed because back in 2018 Savage’s Wonder Years TV mom Alley Mills revealed that the original show ended because Savage and Jason Hervey, the actor that played Kevin’s older brother, were slapped with a sexual harassment lawsuit.

And then Savage ALLEGEDLY brought his “inappropriate” behavior to the set of The Grinder, starring Rob Lowe, the guy who slept with a 16-year-old in the 80s, and Savage was accused of physically and verbally abusing a crew member on that show. He denied the allegations and settled the associated lawsuit out of court but, you know, once, twice, three strikes and you’re kind of an asshole, Fred.

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Remember way back in 2019 when Jennifer Lopez was in the movie Hustlers where she played JLo as a stripper? If you don’t. stay tuned for the JLo documentary Halftime which tells the tale of her halftime performance with Shakira from conception through performance, but also details the subsequent Oscar snub for Hustlers that sent her into a tailspin; picture it, an image of JLo crying in bed as she remembers that horrific snub, and her own voice-over saying:

“It was hard. I just had a very low self-esteem. I had to really figure out who I was and believe in that, and not believe in anything else.”

Seriously, Jennifer Lopez thought she should have been nominated for an Oscar and filmed herself crying about it?

Maybe she’s going for an Emmy for her performance of a woman who didn’t get an Academy Award nod.

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Saturday, March 12, 2022

I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

Sure, every gay knows that Patti LuPone played Mama Rose in Gypsy and sang Everything’s Coming Up Roses but that wasn’t an invitation to throw roses at her. So, please to explain why then, during a recent curtain call for Company, in which La LuPone stars, someone in the audience actually threw roses at the head of La LuPone. Luckily, Patti laughed it off but told the audience if they choose to throw roses, aim at the feet and remove all thorns.

Oh, and there's no truth to the rumor that the person in the audience who hurled the flowers at the Broadway Legend was Madonna, of whom LuPone once famously said:

“Madonna is a movie killer. She's dead behind the eyes. She cannot act her way out of a paper bag.”

I’d be surprised if it was Madonna, because if it was she'd throw a bouquet of hammers

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A few days ago super businesswoman Kim Kardastrophe told women to get off their asses and work! Dammit. And it appears that one Jennifer Shah from Real Housewives of Salt Lake City took the orders to heart.

See, while Shah is awaiting trial for ALLEGEDLY swindling old folks out of their money with her team of grifters, all of whom have pleaded guilty and will testify against her, she has decided to sell some things to pay her legal bills.

No, she’s not selling her old clothes and shoes and wigs, but she is selling a “Not Guilty” line of merchandise. Get yourself a “Not Guilty” t-shirt for thirty bucks a pop and help Shah pay her defense lawyers so they won’t take her old clothes and shoes and wigs.

PS I’m not sure, but I think in that photo, Shah is rocking her version of prison stripes.

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I first saw Taron Egerton in Kingsman: The Secret Service, and he was one hot little Welsh nugget. Egerton went on to play gay, as Elton John, in Rocketman, and he’s playing gay again in the London Production of Mike Bartlett’s Cock. But that's not the story ... the story is that during the play’s first performance Egerton fainted onstage.

I know the feeling; when I hear the words Taron Egerton and Cock, I faint.
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Ricky Schroder, former actor and current MAGAt asshat, is throwing fits again in public over mask mandates. If you recall last Spring, Ricky terrorized employees at Costco over his refusal to wear a mask in the store and he’s back at it by trying to take on a security guard at the Dwight D. Eisenhower Presidential Library & Museum.

Ricky was traveling with the so-called Freedom Convoy when he tried to get into the museum in Abilene, Kansas, and was told by a security guard that he needed to mask up. Little Ricky lost it, and when told it was a federal law began shrieking:

“I’m Ricky Schroeder. God’s laws are higher than the federal governments, but you’re going to enforce man’s laws?” 

He then muttered that line about slavery:

“Unless you’re ready to, I guess, kill us all, you better change your minds because we’re not gonna live as slaves.” 

He then called the security guard a “Nazi” and stomped off.

The best part of the video is a has-been actor shrieking “I’m Ricky Schroeder,” and the guard looking bewildered because he has no idea who that might be.

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It looks like Liz won her battle with COVID-19 … Queen Elizabeth, I mean … and has decided to take a new lease on life, make a significant change and downsize.

Yes, Liz, whose husband passed away in April 2021, has decided that the nearly 900,000 square foot Buckingham Palace is too big for her now, and will downsize to the much more manageable 600,000  square foot Windsor Castle.

It’s nice to see her simplify.

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Friday, October 09, 2020

I Didn't Say It ...

Chris Wallace, FOX News anchor and moderator of last week’s presidential debate, on those wearing masks in the hall:

“The interesting thing though, however, was, the Cleveland Clinic that set up the safety rules said everybody in the hall with the exception of the president, the vice president, and myself had to wear a mask. When Mrs. Biden, came in, when members of her party came in, they were all wearing masks. They kept them on throughout the debate. Mrs. [Melania] ______ came in wearing a mask but took it off once she sat down. I didn’t see when they came in, but all the other members of the first family that I saw there, including Ivanka, Tiffany, when they sat down, they weren’t wearing masks. I’m told by the pool of reporters who was there that somebody from the Cleveland Clinic came up to the first family—I believe this was before Mrs. ______ sat down—and offered the masks in case they didn’t have them, and they waved them away. And people in the hall did notice that while they were all wearing masks, including my wife and four of my children, that the first family did not wear masks during the debate. When it ended, Mrs. ______ came up to go on the stage. As I think everybody saw, she was not wearing a mask.”

Ignorance runs rampant in that family.

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Colin Jost, SNL Weekend Update host, on _____’s Tweets from the hospital where he ALLEGEDLY being treated for COVID-19:

“I will say, that despite everything ______ actually seems to be in good spirits. He tweeted a message that said, ‘LOVE!!!,’ and three exclamation points so it sounds they’re cutting his hydroxychloroquine with a little bit of molly. Just hours ago, Trump released a video from the hospital saying he’s in better health, which is great news. Though I will point out that if the situation were reversed, and it was Biden who got sick, ______ would 100 percent be at a maskless rally tonight getting huge laughs, doing impressions of Biden on a ventilator.”

And while Jost was making a joke, you know that _____ would be doing exactly that.

Sidenote: Colin really revs my engine.

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Greg Gutfeld, Fox News host , on ______ being hospitalized with the virus:

“The reason why he didn’t hide from the virus is he didn’t want America to hide from the virus. If he was going to ask America to get back to work, right? To get back to work and experience a risk, he was going to do the same thing. He was going to walk out there on that battlefield with you, and not sit somewhere in a basement and tell you how, you know, how you got to get back to work but not go out himself. So, I think he put himself on the line, and the flaw being that as an optimist, as somebody who’s trying to convey a message that we’re going to get through this, and things are going to be better, he had to walk that walk. He had to do that. He could have scared the crap out of everybody, but he refused, and it goes back to his original point about trying to make sure the positive attitude is maintained along with a sense of concern. So, he took the risk, he got the virus, but it’s because he was doing it for us.”

Seriously, the goose-stepping those pandering fucks at Fox do has reached a new low.

He lied about the virus for months while hundreds of thousands of Americans died, and six million got sick, and when he gets the virus it’s for us?

Fuck off, hack.

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_____, on Fox News, saying he will not do a virtual debate:

“That’s not acceptable to us. … I’m not gonna do a virtual debate. I’m not going to waste my time on a virtual debate. That’s not what debating’s about. You sit behind a computer and do a debate. It’s ridiculous. And then they cut you off whenever they want.”

So, he wants the freedom to lie and interrupt and cheat and when he can’t get it, he stays home? Good, because I’d hate to see him infect anyone else with COVID-19 …or his stupidity.

Or maybe he’s just chicken.

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Pete Buttigieg, on Fox News, asked about Kamala Harris’s position on Medicare but doing an about face to nail Pence for his hypocrisy:

“There’s a classic parlor game of trying to find a little bit of daylight between running mates. And if people want to play that game, we could look into why an evangelical Christian like Mike Pence wants to be on a ticket with a president caught with a porn star … or how he feels about the immigration policy he called unconstitutional before he decided to team up with Donald _____. If folks want to play that game we can do it all night but I think what most Americans want to hear about is are our families going to be better protected than they have been by this president who has failed to secure America in the face of one of the most dangerous things ever to happen our country.”

I love that Pete goes on Fox News and speaks truth to power …even if they don’t get it.

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Anne Heche, trying to revive her failing career by appearing on Dancing with the Stars[?], and talking about her life with Ellen and how terrible it was … for her:

“In 1997, I met Ellen DeGeneres at the Vanity Fair party and that was the night that changed my life forever. My movie premiere for Volcano, I had told them that I was taking Ellen as my date and I was told if I took Ellen I would lose my Fox contract. At that moment, she took my hand and said, 'Do what they say,' and I said, 'No thanks.' I took Ellen to the premiere and I was ushered out by security before the movie even ended and was told I was not allowed to go to my own after-party for fear they would get pictures of me with a woman… She was warning me, 'This is going to happen.' … the stigma attached to that relationship was so bad that I was fired from my multimillion-dollar picture deal and I did not work in a studio picture for 10 years.”

It wasn’t the stigma attached to that relationship, it was the stigma of being openly gay, which you were when you were with Ellen, and then weren’t when you were found in the dessert, incoherently mumbling about UFO’s and shiz, and when you weren’t when you married your husband had a baby, and cheated on him.

You are the maker of your own mistakes Anne, and it had nothing to do with Ellen and everything to do with you.

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Patti LuPone, Broadway legend and diva extraordinaire, Twitter slammed _____ for his balcony performance after leaving the hospital:

“I still have the lung power and I wore less makeup. This revival is closing November 3rd.”

Goddess I adore me some La LuPone! And I love Twitterers who have now taken to calling _____ “Covita’!

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Saturday, October 26, 2019

I Ain't One To Gossip But ...


I adore Patti LuPone. She’s talented, brassy, ballsy, bold and has exactly zero fucks left to give. Even when it comes to old feuds like her decades long-running tiff with Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber.

La LuPone, as I call her, is returning to Broadway this spring with the revival of Stephen Sondheim’s Company and so she’s doing some press; and whenever Patti does press her tiff with ALW comes up. Now, Patti dished ALW in her 2011 memoir Patti LuPone: A Memoir and last year he countered with memories of her in his own book Unmasked: A Memoir, in which he dragged La LuPone for her diction. As you know, and if you don’t WTF is wrong with you, La LuPone was the original Evita and ALW still had a few notes for her about her performance.

Here’s how Patti found that out in a recent interview:
Did you read Andrew Lloyd Webber’s memoir?
No. Am I in it?
Oh, yeah.
Oh, dear.
The interviewer tells her that Andy “rehashed the expected stuff” like their falling out when ALW fired her from the Broadway production of Sunset Boulevard and replaced her with Glenn Close, and the interviewer says Andy “made a point of criticizing” La LuPone’s diction. Now, Patti wasn’t surprised by that, and even acknowledged it saying:
“You don’t know, when you’re in the moment, that you’re not enunciating.”
She added that John Houseman used to call her “flannel mouth” back in the day. So, she was fine with the diction comments until she realized he was talking about her performance in Evita:
“How could he talk about “Evita”? The whole thing is sung. He’s a jerk. He’s a sad sack. He is the definition of sad sack. I never wanted to do “Evita,” because it was the most bizarre music I’d ever heard. You’re raised on Rodgers and Hammerstein, Meredith Willson, Lerner and Loewe, and then you hear that? I heard the “Evita” concept album, and I went, ‘Ow, my ear.’”
But then she added:
“I thought ‘Evita’ was the best thing he and Tim Rice did. But the rest of it is schmaltz.”
That’s why I love La LuPone, a compliment and a dig going hand-in-hand.
When Channing Tatum and Jenna Dewan announced they were divorcing after nine years of marriage, they both released the same no-drama statement about their split, saying how much they loved each other, but that they just weren’t going to be married anymore.

How quickly things change … Jenna, who has a book, Gracefully You: Finding Beauty and Balance in the Everyday, to publicize, is now crying about how she found out that Channing and Jessie J were dating … like all of us, or some of us, or none of us … by reading it on the internet.

But here’s the rub … Channing and Jessie J started dating after the Tatum’s split up, so why she is now acting like the scorned spouse is odd … except she has a book to sell and coins to make.
“I was in a state of shock. One week I’d be doing really well and the next I was slammed with a whole new slew of emotions. The rumor mill was churning out story after story. There were many times I hid under the covers, wondering what was next. The pain hit me like a tumbling avalanche. I was completely overcome with fear and sadness. It took many moments of sitting alone with my grief to force me into surrendering to my roller coaster of a situation.”
Funny, all that pain, and that wild roller coaster of an emotional ride didn’t stop Jenna from meeting and dating and hooking up with and having a baby with  Broadway actor Steve Kazee. I wonder if she called Channing to let him know, or if that’s just a one-sided thing … when you have a book to sell.
Lori Loughlin is hilarious. She’s currently awaiting trial for her :::cough::: ALLEGED role in Operation Varsity Blues where rich people used illegal bribes to get their kids into prestigious universities. Lori stands accused of paying $500,000 to fake some rowing credentials for her daughters, Olivia Jade and Isabella Giannulli to get them into USC because they weren’t smart enough to get in on their own merits.

But that’s not the funny part; Loughlin pled not guilty, where others—like Felicity Huffman—pled out, and were given very light sentences. And then ,even funnier, Loughlin has now been hit with more charges and funniest of all is that Lori Loughlin has been watching Felicity Huffman’s 13-day prison stay and wants to know what it’s like because she thinks she’ll get the same deal.

Oh Lori, you’ll be going to a Fuller Big House.

For a longer time, too, honey.
What do you do if you’re tasked with playing a role in a film, like say, oh, I dunno, The Joker, in Suicide Squad, and think you’re gonna ride that part to an Oscar like Heath Ledger did in that Batman movie? And then you don’t. But then you think you’ll take the part on again and play it in a stand-alone film about The Joker’s origin story and you learn that Joaquin Phoenix has gotten your part?

Well, if you’re  Jared Leto you try and try and try … and try to stop the film from happening. And you fail. Kinda because Suicide Squad sucked, and many of your scenes were chopped from the film, and so no one wanted Jared Leto back on film in that role except for Jared Leto. And now, in 2019, that Joker film is killing it at the box office and it looks like its star, Joaquin Phoenix, might get that Joker Oscar.

According to sources familiar with Leto’s behavior, when the Oscar-winning actor—for Dallas Buyer’s Club—learned of the Todd Phillips project, he not only complained to his agents at CAA, who also represent Phillips, but asked his music manager, Irving Azoff, to call the leader of Warners parent company to get Warners to kill the Phillips film if he didn’t get the lead. Sources say Leto felt his agents should have told him about the Phillips project earlier and fought harder for his version of Joker, or at least stopped the rival project, arguing that Leto wasn’t being treated properly as an Oscar winner.

Everyone said, ‘No,’ and now Jared is no longer represented by CAA or Azoff.

Oops.
What’s that smell? 

It smells like aging Miley Cyrus desperate for attention, but it’s actually 73-year-old Suzanne Somers celebrating her 73rd birthday by posting a picture of herself in her literal birthday suit.

Oh Suzanne, desperation smells terrible at age 26 and even worse at 73.
What smells glorious is 74-year-old Hellen Mirren at the premiere of her latest film, The Good Liar.

Somers should take notes.

Friday, April 20, 2018

I Didn't Say It ...


Rachel Maddow, on Michael Cohen’s disclosure that Sean Hannity was his third, previously undisclosed client.

“In court today we got the name of Cohen’s third client made public and honestly, don’t even ask me to tell you what it means … This is like: Every day you get up, you take a shower, you get dressed, you go out to the driveway to start the car. Every day it’s the same, you do this every single day of your life. Except today you got in the car, you put the key into the dashboard, you went to turn it to start the engine like you do every day and today the engine didn’t start and instead terrifying circus music started playing and the hood flew up and clowns and monkeys and elephants flew out instead. What? It’s who? Go ahead and make sense of that why don’t you.”

It's Maddow’s lucky day!
James Comey, on _____’s fitness to be president:

“A person who sees moral equivalence in Charlottesville, who talks about and treats women like they’re pieces of meat, who lies constantly about matters big and small and insists the American people believe it — that person’s not fit to be president of the United States, on moral grounds.”

Think on that, ______ supporters, and if you can say with a straight, honest face, that if Barack Obama had said or done even one of those things you’d have no issue, you’re deceiving yourself.
I mean, y’all went mad over Barack’s tan suit.
Take a seat.
Madonna, on her new beauty regimen … a ‘butt’ mask:

“It’s kind of a no-brainer. You can take any face mask and try it on your behind. Skin is skin. I think people would want the skin on their butt to be smooth, glowing, and hydrated. I mean, I know I do. There are certain special people that get to see our butt and you want it to look its finest.”

Okay so she uses a face mask on her ass; still, it begs the question, “Butterface?”
Stephen Colbert, on the news that Sean Hannity had been revealed as Michael Cohen’s mystery third client:

“Cohen only has two other clients and all he does for them is pay off mistresses. Which raises the obvious question – who does Sean Hannity have sex with?”

Himself, no doubt.
Patti LuPone, on movie actors doing theater:

“I don’t necessarily need to see film actors on stage, because they can’t. Not in my country they can’t. Can I just say, Uma Thurman in The Parisian Woman, anybody see it? Holy shit! I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I’m not sure there is a stigma anymore (about film actors doing theater), perhaps there should be. You want those people to come to the stage for the right reason and that is to honor the stage, honor the theatre and not be in for themselves, and I’m not saying that Uma was. It’s hard work, so I want you to understand that I have nothing against Uma Thurman.”

Oh Patti, I love you. You have zero f&ks to give! And, I imagine that when the time comes to nominate actors for Tony’s Patti will be all, “Not Uma!!!!!!”
Corey Lewandowski, former ______ lapdog, on James Comey to Fox News:

“This is the same Jim Comey who was in charge of the Boston bombing at the time where we had a terrorist attack in Boston. This is man who failed time and time and time again, when he was the head of the FBI, to protect American citizens and now he wants to say that the president of the United States, a duly-elected president, is a mob boss? Look, Jim Comey has no credibility and he lost his credibility when lied under oath before Congress.”

Listen up: This Is A Lie. The Boston Marathon bombing took place on April 15th, 2013 when James Comey was a private citizen; he wasn’t appointed FBI director, by President Obama, until September 2013.
This is a _____ lapdog lying again for _____.
John Fugelsang, on the news that Sean Hannity is Michael Cohen’s mystery client:

“Sean Hannity reminds you: Michael Cohen wasn’t his lawyer. But he still expects attorney-client privilege. And he has nothing to hide. But he ordered Michael Cohen not to reveal him. And he defended Michael Cohen all week. But now Michael Cohen’s a liar. And that’s why Hillary Clinton must be stopped.”

Seriously; these are the facts.
Ridiculous, right?

Saturday, January 27, 2018

It's Snarkurday!

Over the years, we’ve heard talk of a Black Bond …Idris Elba … and I could get behind that, or in front of it, too. There was talk of Desperate Bond … Tom Hiddleston … but then Swifty ruined all that. There was even talk of Down Under Bond …. Hugh Jackman and his Huge Ackman. My thoughts are just to leave it on Hot Blond body Bond … Daniel Craig … for a while and, for the love of 007, stop with this Baby Bond Bull Shiz.

Baby Bond. Yup, Lee Smith, one of the editors on Spectre, says the next Bond should be Boy Band Bond, Harry Styles.

I see that going in One Direction … right down the loo.
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Sometimes you think the feud is over, and then an old ember sparks up and the kittens get their claws out again.

Let’s go back … before becoming a hip-hop success stories with his debut … Get Rich or Die Tryin’… Fiddy was an up-and-comer … no shade … who became known for calling rappers out by name on songs like “How to Rob” where he jabbed at Jay-Z, Ma$e, DMX and Big Pun. Now, at that time, Ja Rule was the bigger star and so naturally Fiddy began throwing shade at Ja Rule and Murder Inc. as a staff, record label and as a crew.

And that beef stew has been simmering since then, until last week when Ja Rule turned up the heat and put out a series of homophobic Tweets referring to his rap rival as, among other things, a “power bottom”:
“From now on everyone can refer to @50cent as #ticklebooty not fif not fiddy … #ticklebooty that’s his name call him it to his FACE he ain’t gonna do SH*T… and if he does sue him like he did me…”
And then, in response to a follower who thought “ticklebooty” was funny, Ja Rule Tweeted:
“Nah what’s funny is @50cent let’s women and MEN play with his butthole… that’s kinda funny.”
And clearly, Ja Rule wasn’t done with the Mean Girl stuff, because he kept it up the next day with:
“I really don’t see why people like 50 Cent aka #PowerBottom. He hates on any black man or woman having success… he hates on Diddy, on Jay, on Empire. C’mon how you beefing with Taraji???”
And then he went after Fiddy Fans:
“Haha i got you #ticklebootybandits maaad lmao that’s what I call @50cent Stan’s grown men coming on my page with another mans dick in they mouth your wives/girlfriends must be proud…”
Continuing: 
“Now I know why 50 Cent named his show POWER… #PowerBottom #TickleBooty”
Fiddy, oddly, is taking the high road and has yet to respond, but, seriously, Ja Rule, this is some tween boy in the locker room shiz.
So, the Oscar nominations came out this week and the one bright shining spot for me was that James Franco did not get a nod. Now, is it because no one likes James Franco as much as James Franco, or is it because in recent weeks stories have broken about him being one of the pervy Hollywood types, and so Oscar gave him a slap? And do I care as long as we’ll have a Franco Free Oscars™?

Good Morning America spoke to two of the five women Franco ALLEGEDLY sexually harassed, and one says Franco is not a Weinstein-level predator … oh well then who cares because on a scale of zero to Weinstein … look, if he’s a predator he’s a predator. Luckily, the other accuser says he’s still a dick … possibly with a tiny dick.

So, Franco is doing damage control which consists of I didn’t do it but if they think I did kinda bull. And some on Team Franco are trying to play him as the victim, saying things like he is “not doing well” and that they are “really worried about him.”

Five women. He’s clearly not doing well because what he ALLEGEDLY did to these five women … and there may be more … affected his chances at Oscar and that’s what has him worried.

Too bad.
The Queen is gonna have to buy another wedding gift because a few months after Prince Hot Ginger marries That American Girl, Princess Eugenie will marry Jack Brooksbank. And Poor Princess Eugenie, the daughter of Bad Duchess Fergie, might have a time of it all, what with Jack’s grandmother throwing all kinds of shade … and not at Eugenie, but at her own grandson!

Joanna Newton, Jack’s 91-year-old grandmother, thinks her grandson scored in getting a princess because he’s a bit of a dolt:
“I never thought he would get married to a royal. He’s a charming boy and all that but not the most intelligent and I would never have thought this would happen. I think it says a lot about Eugenie that it’s him she wants and it’s lovely.”
Grandma Shade! British Grandma Shade! I wanna sit next to her at the wedding!
I am no fan of Justin Timberlake in any way shape or form, because he just seems so try hard and full of himself and a little bit squee…take that how you will.

He’s also a bit thick … Timberlake, who recently starred in the latest Woody Allen bomb, Wonder Wheel, was trying to be sort of squee on Twitter by asking this:
Random question: Can someone please explain the saying, ‘You just want your cake and to eat it too.’ What else am I about to do with a cake??”
Well, Dylan Farrow, who is Woody’s adoptive daughter with Mia Farrow, and who has been speaking out about Woody’s ALLEGED sexual abuse toward her, wasn’t having Justin’s squee-ness and responded:
“The saying means, for example, you can’t support #TimesUp and praise sexual predators at the same time. You can’t retain your credibility as an activist (i.e. - retain the cake) and, at the same time, praise a sexual predator (i.e. - eating the cake).”
She’s referring to Timberlake wearing a TimesUp pin at the Golden Globes and yet praising sexual predator and adopted daughter marrying Allen.

Timberlake ignored Dylan because … what can you say to that and replied to someone else’s explanation.
“THANK YOU! Day changed.#StillPieOverCake”
Still an idiot, too.
When last we left Class With The Countess author Luann de Lesseps, countess-less and twice-divorced, she was apologizing for getting so drunk in a hotel bar that she tried to have sex with a man in someone else’s room and had to be removed by the police.

Luann played the mea culpa part and vowed to seek treatment for her drunkenness but that may not be enough, and maybe a new book, In The Slammer with Luann is coming out.

It seems that de Lesseps is facing three charged for that whole Palm Beach fiasco: felony for resisting arrest, along with trespassing and disorderly intoxication.

First off, if a Housewife could be jailed for being drunk every incarnation of those shows would have a jailbird season, but still …

Orange could be the new Luann.
Now that Gwyneth Paltrow is fully Consciously Uncoupled from Chris Martin and Consciously Coupling with Brad Falchuk, she is talking …and when Gwynnie speaks all kinds of crazy things are said.

Paltrow was recently on The Late Show and told Stephen Colbert all kinds of stuff about GOOP, even saying that some of the idiotic stuff she promotes is meant to be idiotic … I guess, at least until you throw coins at Paltrow and buy the stupid shiz and then it’s all good because she’s got the cash.

Yes, she thinks what she’s sells is stupid, but she wants you to buy it because she thinks you’re stupid, too. But this is about what she said about ex-husband Chris Martin:
 “He’s really like my brother. We’re very familial. It’s really nice. It’s great.”
Yup, her ex-husband, the man who screwed at least twice and fathered her two children is like a brother. And when Colbert brought up the whole ickiness of it all she actually said:
Which would explain the divorce.”
Wow. I wonder how close she is to her real brother, Jake; I mean, is he like a husband to her?
It looks like Ryan Murphy has one less Feud from which to pick from for his FX series future seasons: Patti LuPone and Andrew Lloyd Webber have made up …and not in some after-life dream sequence like Bette and Joan.

In.Real.Life.

The LuPone-Webber feud goes back decades, after Patti scored on Broadways in ALW’s Evita. So, enamored of LuPone was he, that he begged her to play Norma Desmond in the original London production of Sunset Boulevard and then bring the show to Broadway. But then ALW started an LA production of Sunset, starring Glenn Close, and suddenly Patti was out and Close was on the Great White Way as Norma Desmond.

And Patti found out not from Webber but from reading apiece in Liz Smith’s column; a feud was born. Patti threatened to sue, and they reportedly settled for $1 million, which she used to put a pool in her backyard …a pool she named the “Andrew Lloyd Webber Memorial Pool.”

For years, Patti crapped all over Andy, even dishing great dirt in her memoir about him.  Patti said she was leery of taking on Evita because of how hard it was to sing, and she felt like Webber hated women and loved torturing their vocal cords.

During a 2005 interview with The Washington Post, Patti came for his looks with this:
“And didn’t he look charming last night at the Oscars? All bloated!”
Then just a year ago, she went for ALW jugular in an interview with NY1’s On Stage:
“Webber is a desperate human being. He really is. He created a toxic environment because he didn’t get what he wanted. [The firing] had nothing to do with show business and everything to do with a man that is mentally unstable. And so it infected my life.”
But now all is forgiven, apparently, because Patti has agreed to sing Don’t Cry For Me Argentina during the Grammy’s tribute to Broadway this Sunday night, and she even met with Webber to rehearse the number. And no one was injured during the rehearsal; in fact, Patti started off by saying this, as the two came onstage:
“Hello, Andrew.”
She then turned to the security guards and a phalanx of bodyguards ALW brought and announced:
“This is détente, ladies and gentlemen.”
There were big laughs, Lloyd Webber and LuPone embraced … and went to work.

And a feud died.

Sigh.