Why Is It ...

… there are times when I want to take away my best friend’s pain and give it to someone we both hate

… that I sometimes think I’ll never retire and that I will work up until the day of my funeral and probably use a vacation day for it

… that when someone asks how I am, I fear that if I answer honestly I’ll be institutionalized

… that I’ve only just learned that shouting “Let’s get this trauma started” as I clock in is ‘concerning behavior.’

… that I’m not surprised that my life coach told me I didn’t make the team

… that when my boss complimented me and said he appreciated the sparkle in my eyes, I told them they were tears

… that most people don’t understand that tattoos exist because adulting is hard and we deserve stickers

… that when someone tells me I’m funny I tell them I would have been lobotomized in the 1940s

… that a friend told me hiking is a good way to meet people and on my first hike I met two paramedics, three nurses, a cardiologist and I almost met Jesus

… that my body now makes noises that sound very expensive

Why Is It ...

… that people don’t understand I do not have Resting Bitch Face. My Bitch Face is always on duty, ever vigilant, and will rest when its work is done.

… that some people like to make an entrance while prefer an  escape.

… that, for me, if tequila was water, and I was a duck, I would swim underwater and never come up. But tequila isn’t water and I am not a duck, so hand me the bottle and shut the fuck up.

… that no one realizes that everyone is a little crazy, but it’s just that some of us aren’t afraid to whip it out. Throw it on a leash and then take it out for a walk in public.

… that this morning, when I checked my laugh lines in the mirror, my only thought was, “What the fuck was so funny?”

... that no one sees the side effects of interacting with people as I do: there's the trouble listening, or your skin crawling, or middle finger spasms or the strong desire to get blind drunk

… that people need to understand that I might be mean, but I have a good heart. When I tell someone to go to Hell I still hope they get there safely.

… that people don’t understand that I’ll always apologize when I am wrong, but never when I’m provoked. You lit that match now eat the fire.

… that there are people you meet in life and you instantly know that you want to spend your entire life without them.

… that people need to remember that if I offend you, you can cry me a river. I will bring a raft and snacks and be eating chips and working on my tan while I float down your tears.

Why Is It ...

… that old people always want to remind you how much harder they worked in their day but get annoyed when I remind them that in their day soda had cocaine in it.

… that whatever life throws at me, I duck and let it hit someone else.

… that there are times when I love doing a random act of kindness, like keeping my mouth shut for example!

… that I need to remind myself to normalize throwing lamps at people who need to lighten up

… that when people tell me I have a crazy sense of humor I always says, “Thanks. I would have been lobotomized in the 1940s!”

… that I’d like to thank my bestie for being friends with me; it’s a baffling decision but Thanks!

… that when someone tells me that swearing is unattractive, I say, “I wasn’t trying to attract you, now fuck off.”

… that I have days when I wonder if I sit in rice if it will fix me.

… that y’all need  to realize you don’t want to break anyone’s heart because they just have the one. Go for the bones, cuz there’s like 206 of them.

Why Is It ...

… that when I accidentally cut off a guy on the highway he pulled alongside me and shrieked out the window, “I am gonna make your life a living hell,” and all I could think of to say was, “Thanks but I’m not looking for a relationship right now.”

… that the older I get … No.

… that people hope to die gracefully when you can age like a fine old cheese … full of character and slightly offensive.

… that when people say their life is a walk in the park, I say, ‘Mine, too … Jurassic Park.’

… that I talk a lot of shit for someone who cannot function if the toe seam on my sock is in the wrong place.

… that sometimes people come into your life … and they need to stop doing that.

… that nothing brings neighbors together like a slew of police cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.

… that people forget that I used to be crazy but have recently upgraded to Premium Chaos.

… that when someone asks what my dream job is I always say I would like to simply not participate in society.

… that if I’m ever on life support, unplug me, and then plug me back in to see if that works.

Why Is It ...

… that even those closest to me cannot tell if my smile means ‘Hello’ or if it means, ‘Fuck off.’

… that my co-worker was upset when I told her that I never knew I didn’t give a shit about so many things until she started talking.

… that sometimes I talk to myself and then we both laugh and laugh!

… that when people tell me that I’m very quiet, they get upset when I reply, “I know, why don’t you join me.”

… that when someone asks, ‘Are you crazy?’ I simply reply, ‘Yes,’ and just like that the discussion is over

… that while I appreciate unsolicited advice, I often tell those people to save their thoughts for the trainwreck looking back at them in the mirror.

… when people tell me that I have a unique way of lighting up a room I tell them it’s called arson and they are called witnesses.

… that when I complain to my therapist about how the voices won’t stop he reminds me that they are people, and they are allowed to talk.

… that I cannot control who walks into my life but I can control which window I throw them out of

… that people need to realize that, while I am the kind of loyal friend who would take a bullet for them, I am also the reason we’re being shot at.

Why Is It ...

… that I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shiz up.

… that I don’t make the same mistake twice but I can make it 5 or 6 or 40 times just to be sure.

… that I remember the time when I thought a new hip joint meant someplace I wanted to go on a Friday night.

… that people don’t understand that I find out about everything … I even know Victoria’s Secret.

... that when my boss asked why I was late I said, “I cut someone off and they told me to go to Hell. At first I couldn’t find it, but now I’m here.’

… that even though some things are better left unsaid, I have a habit of saying them

…. that I will burn bridges while I’m still standing on them just so people know I am serious about my crazy.

… that I don’t mind coming in to work but waiting eight hours to go home is bull shiz

… that I bought a co-worker a Get Better Soon card and she didn’t like it. I mean, she’s not sick, I just think she could do better.

… that there are many times I am in mid-conversation with someone and will say, “Look, I don’t care.”

… when I shut down, I shut down for real … like McDonalds ice cream machine real.

Why Is It ...

… that I would like to give up sarcasm, but that would leave interpretative dance as my only means of communication.

… that the older I get the easier it becomes for me to look at a situation and say, “Yeah, I’m out.”

… that after several consultations my dermatologist can provide no treatment for the people getting under my skin.

… that people don’t believe it when I say I just got my Dissociates Degree.

… that so many people take the internet and social media so seriously … most of their “likes” come from  people at home sitting on their toilets.

… that people forget silence is my favorite conversation.

… that people always told me to just be myself and then I did and now everyone’s scared and I need a lawyer.

… that you need to remember I am not bored, I’m just tired of everything.

… that, like most people, I have to work extra hard because the baby is expensive. Oh, and I am the baby.

… that people forget the one thing I am really good at is pretending you never existed.

Why Is It ...

… that some people have guardian angels while I have a racoon with a crowbar whispering, “Let’s make it worse.”

… that people don’t understand that the actual size of the fucks I don’t give can be seen from space.

… that no one remembers I was taught to think before I act, so if I smack the shiz out of you, rest assured that I have thought about it and am confident in my decision.

… that my new favorite game is Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they're playing

… that people who are new at my job always ask me  how is it that I never get stressed working there and I always say, “Honestly, I’ve run out of energy to care anymore.”

… that I never take the high road when I could take the psychopath

… that you don’t realize that you cannot gaslight me because I will just agree with you. You think I’m insane? Same.

… that people need to know that if they feel some kind of way about me … awwwwww.

… that I am very aware of who the fuck I am, so people should stop asking.

… that people should be giving me a standing ovation for staying quiet instead of punching them in the face.

Why Is It ...

… that as I get older I no longer dislike Mondays … I dislike the whole week.

… that I used to fall asleep and lay in one position the entire night. Now I rotate like a rotisserie chicken every fifteen minutes or a hip hurts.

… that when people say, ‘Bob you are out of fucking control,’ I hear ‘Bob, you are such a free spirit.’

… that more often than not I find out without even getting the chance to fuck around.

… that people need constant reminding that no matter how they feel about me, there’s nothing they can do.

… that after work I was so excited to get that raise. I mean, it was in medication dosage, but I’ll take any win I can get.

… that some people think I have no self control. I have actually cooked meals for men I should have poisoned but didn’t.

… that people need to learn that I may not put the sparkle in their eyes, but I will put the WTF wrinkles in your forehead.

… that I think the best way to get over somebody is with your car.

… that people don’t realize my social media posts are not targeted at anyone in particular, but if you feel offended I’m glad I could reach one person.

Why Is It ...

… that people don’t realize that my emotional baggage is basically the tough life experiences that have made me into the hilariously twisted empathetic sexy fuck that I am today.

… that my morning routine, every morning, is just convincing myself not to go back to bed.

… that people forget that I have quite the ability to multitask … I can listen, ignore and forget all at the same time.

… that if you see me talking to myself, pay me no mind. I’m having a staff meeting.

… that when people tell me to take it down a notch it guarantees a five notch increase; do not ever try to de-notch me.

… that while I am not exactly sure what my spirit animal is, I’m confident it has rabies.

… that I wish I could Google search my own mind … ask it “what are my favorite movies” or “what’s the name of that place with the really good egg rolls.”

… that people need to know that, at this age, if I tell you I do not care, please believe me.

… that I feel the need to toot my own horn after making it through another day of not turning feelings into felonies.

… that people who aren’t from South Carolina don’t realize the average summertime temperature is a hundred-and-fuck-you.

Why Is It ...

… that at first I am really shy but get to know me and I become a podcast.

… that most people don’t know that an orgasm is one of the healthiest forms of stress relief so when I tell you to go fuck yourself it’s because I care.

… that when I hear women talk about bleaching their assholes, I always wonder if they pour it over his head or make him drink it.

… that as soon as I give someone the benefit, here comes the doubt.

… that at work I am always asked to do things for which I am not qualified … like being nice to fucking idiots.

… that if I’m ever known as “the one who got away,” it will be from an asylum.

… that I am such a “who the hell touched my stuff, never mind, I found it” kind of person.

… that I’m only just now realizing that my personality falls between Mother Teresa and Mother F*cker.

… that trying to understand some people is like trying to pick up a turd by the clean end.

… that my boss doesn’t understand that while I have decent problem solving skills, it’s in problem creating skills that I really shine.

Why Is It ...

… that I often warn people by saying, ‘Welcome to my mind. Please fasten your seatbelt and keep your arms and legs inside the car at all times. Do not feed the animals, drink the water, or talk to the voices. Enjoy the ride!’

… that I just dunked a cookie into a glass of milk, waited for the bubbles to stop, and thought of you.

… that people never learn the most important tip for talking to me: Don’t.

… that it’s apparently rude to thump someone in the forehead and shout ‘Skip intro’ when they start talking to you.

… that when something says ‘Don’t start it always gives me a thrill and makes me want to start.

… that at a bar the other night I asked for a vodka and the bartender said ‘This is McDonalds’ and then looked at me like I’m crazy when I said, ‘Okay, gimme a McVodka.’

… that someone asks if I want to slip into something more comfortable I will get in my car and leave.

… that I just found out that it’s a ‘thing’ to throw the ball into the crowd after you win the game, but not in bowling … never in bowling.

… that you could really cry me a river and I’d just jump in a boat and row away from you.

… that being naturally funny is annoying  because most of the time I’m just minding my own business and people are over there laughing like I’m doing stand-up.

Why Is It ...

… that talking to a new person isn’t exciting anymore because I realize I probably won’t even remember them in a week.

… that people don’t understand that my life would be less stressful if I had my own deserted island.

… that sometimes I find a random screw lying around my house and I just assume it’s from my life falling apart.

… that no one remembers that my phone is always in my hand so if you think I’m ignoring you, I am.

… that when I tell someone “I swear on my life,” they are apt to reply, “I’ve seen your life, swear on something else.”

… that I am based on a true story.

… that when I sing, “when I think about you I touch myself,” what I really mean is I am rubbing my temples because you’re giving me a f**king migraine.

… that when I say “the other day” that could mean anytime between yesterday and my birth.

… when I think of how 2025 is going for me, I think in terms of a movie … written by Stephen King, directed by Tarantino and the music by Yoko Ono.

… that I am at that age where every morning my body whispers, ‘Don’t do that again.’

Why Is It ...

… that when my boss told me he was going to make a swear jar just for me I said I don’t have the kind of income to keep up with my mouth.

… that people around people who don’t swear makes me feel like I am in an unsafe environment.

… that what some people call multitasking, I call doing something else until I remember what I was going to do in the first place.

… that I am not actually funny, I’m just really mean and people think I’m joking.

… that people need to know that while I cannot change water into wine, I can turn tequila into bad decisions and total fucking mayhem.

… that I giggle before I go crazy because I gotta rev that engine.

… that I may not be the best looking, or the smartest, but I am am also not the nicest so please stop talking to me.

… that y’all don’t realize that I need a leaf blower … for people.

… that no one realizes that South Carolina has Winter, then Fake Spring, and then Spring, and when you’re in Fake Spring you must remember that Winter is just around the corner with a folding chair.

Why Is It ...

… that people keep talking about the flu but the only thing I’m fighting these days is the urge to call out of work every single day.

… that staying to yourself and not bothering people bothers people.

… that no one understand that my posts are not directed at any one person, but if the shoe fits, wear it Cinderella.

… that whenever someone says, “I like your personality,” I always say, “Thanks. I have more.”

… that I don’t dust my house because I believe we come from dust and we return to dust and that dust on my coffee table might be someone I know.

… that no doctor will allow me to get my glasses prescription placed into my windshield.

… that I just realized that the reason Carlos is the perfect  person to gossip to is because he won’t tell anyone what I said since he wasn’t listening in the first place.

… that when people say I’m acting crazy, I have to remind them that I am not acting.

… that I’ve reached the age where I don’t need an alarm clock to wake me up; I have a bladder that does that.

… that I truly think I can generate electricity with how irritated I can get at times.

Why Is it ...

… that even though they call them Stress Balls I am not supposed to throw them at people who are stressing me out.

… that I’ll eat a bowl of water with a fork before I give a rat’s ass about your opinion of me.

… that you need to know I haven’t lost my mind; half of it wandered off and the other half went looking for it.

… that my favorite part of the job is lunch break, clocking out, and pay day.

… that I often find myself lying in bed at 3AM  and realizing I should have said something else in an argument I had in 2012.

… that some people underestimate my ability to delete your number and then act like we’ve never met.

… that I ask myself, Am I perfect? And I say No. And then I ask myself if I do my best and try to keep a good attitude, and the answer is also No.

… that people don’t understand that Facetiming me is for Premium Members only.

… that when I see anyone with six piercings or more at a store it takes everything I have not to attach a shower curtain to their face.

… that the older I get the more I understand why roosters scream to start their day.

Why Is It ...

… that when I was at the doctor’s recently the nurse asked me to step on the scale; I was told there’d be no fact checking.

… that at my age getting lucky means finding my car in the parking lot.

… that people don’t realize that not only am I not a perfect person and I am also not trying to be a better person.

… that I may look normal,  but I talk to myself and then laugh afterwards.

…  that when I see people arguing online I automatically believe whomever is spelling correctly and using proper grammar.

… that the way I stay indoors makes me feel like I’m becoming furniture.

… that I don’t like when people ask what I did over the weekend. I don’t know! I breathed a lot. Probably got mad a bit. Sighed heavily. The list goes on.

… that while I have a really good heart and I also have a smart mouth and I’m a little bit mean.

… that nobody is busier than me when I am not interested in you …  “Let me close the fridge and I’ll call you back.”

… that when I tell Alexa to remind me to go to the gym, she says, ‘I have added gin to your shopping list’ and I think, ‘Close enough.’

Why Is it ...

… that I wouldn’t call myself quirky but there is definitely something wrong with me.

… that my boss asked me why I was gone for seven hours to smoke and I told him, "It was a brisket and that’s how long it takes. What?"

… that curly fries are my favorite snack because they are salty and spiraling … like me.

… that there are people my age out there climbing mountains and running marathons and zip-lining, and I’m here at home reveling in the glory that is getting my leg through my underwear without toppling over.

… that while I may not have lost all my marbles I admit there’s a small hole in the bag somewhere.

… that in the old days my taste in dates was so bad, that my Walk of Shame was on my way to the date.

… that you can burn all the sage you want but still you don’t understand that I will be back.

… that people at work are mad that I have taken to calling everyone “fucker.” I mean, when you think about it, “fucker” is gender neutral so I'm being politically correct.

Why Is It ...

… that I often feel the stupidity of a Tweet is only exceeded by the stupidity of someone thinking it was a smart thing to Tweet?

… that when I learned that the average American drops about 80-90 cuss words a day, or about 5 per hour, I learned that I am above average in something?

… that some people visit my past more often than I do? Don’t they know that I sold the building and don’t live there anymore?

… that people don’t get it that my first language is talking sh*t?

… that every time I use self-checkout line the person in front of me has never used self-checkout, or touchscreens or money before?

… that I wasn’t so much born to hustle and grind, but to dilly and dally.

… that Mozart could write his first symphony at age seven, but I, as an adult, have to rehearse what I’m going to say at the drive-thru?

… that I want to be cuddled and yet I also want to be left the Hell alone? I mean, is being crazy this hard to understand?

Why Is It ...

… that when I hear someone say “Life is a walk in the park,” I think of my life as a walk through Jurassic Park?

… that I am the person that always leaves early … like Cinderella?

… that I hardly ever speak to people? So, if I talk to you, congratulations!

… that you think I was a toxic person in your life, but in fact it must have been your fault; next time, don’t play with me.

… that your secret is safe with me? Cuz I’m gonna forget it as soon as you tell me.

… that I hate when people think I’m mad or sad because I’m not talking when the fact is, sometimes, I’m just too lazy to talk.

… that one of my toxic traits is going too hard on the chips and salsa before dinner arrives.

… that I have the uncanny ability to forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.

… that I vacillate between thinking I am crazy and thinking I am not crazy enough.