It's Snarkurday!

Show of hands …who saw this coming?

While Khloé Kardastrophe and her philandering Baby Daddy, Tristan Thompson, were ALLEGEDLY making a go of it—for TV ratings, of course—rumor has it all is not well in the House of Fame-Whore and Serial Cheater.

A source—and you know it’s That Woman trying to rustle up some coins—says:

“Khloé and Tristan are fighting constantly. All the time. She doesn’t know how she’s going to rebuild trust in him …”

And we’ll stop; Khloe hooked up with a guy who left his pregnant girlfriend for her so why would she think he would remain faithful to her? I mean, c’mon, anyone could have seen this coming.

Jose Feliciano could have seen it.

Ray Charles could have seen it.

Stevie Wonder …I’ll stop.

Still, it’s sure to be a Very Special Episode of KUWTK when Khloe and Tristan implode, and ratings are what counts in that family.

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It seems like eons ago when Mariah Carey and her billionaire boyfriend broke up so she could date a backup dancer, but it’s only been since last year.

Certainly, it seems like Packer broke up with her because Mimi never turned down a check and a billionaire would have had tons of checks. And, to be sure, since he’d proposed to her and gave her a 35-carat diamond engagement ring—that cost some $190 million—you knew Mariah would find a way to keep it.

And she did, and she wore it all last year, even after the breakup and even after starting to date her new little man, but rumor has it she finally sold it … at a loss. And she seems to be playing off that substantial loss of coins as away of proving she’s letting go of the past because she sold a $10 million ring for a shade over 2 million.

Or, maybe she sold it because she needs the coins because, let’s face it, 2018 Mariah Carey is not nearly as popular, talented, reliable, able to perform as say, well, some earlier version of Mimi.

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I only post this story because I think Brody Jenner is hot, so here goes…

Brody Jenner is getting married; he and his fiancée Kaitlynn Carter have been together for four years and engaged for two. They haven’t announced the wedding date but ALLEGEDLY it’s very close and will take place where the couple got engaged: Nihi Sumba, Indonesia. But … Brody’s family, Caitlyn Jenner, Kylie and Kendall Jenner, who were invited, are not going.

Ouch. Caitlyn ALLEGEDLY has work commitments that have been set up for months and couldn’t be changed just for her son’s wedding, and Kylie and Kendall aren’t going because … they’re Kylie and Kendall and if That Woman couldn’t turn Brody’s wedding into a TV special so her girls could get paid, well … you know.

Still, rumor has it that Brody and Kendall-Kylie have grown estranged over the years—possibly because he doesn’t have a TV show—and there’s an ALLEGED rift between Brody and Caitlyn that goes back to when she married Kris, whom Brody blames for putting up a wall between Caitlyn and her non-Kardashian kids because, you know, again, they weren’t on television and she couldn’t make any money off them, so what use were they.

Gosh, that family, it’s an ugly gift that keeps on giving.

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Halle Berry and her third husband Olivier Martinez were married for two years. That’s long for Halle, but their divorce is taking even longer. Halle first filed for divorce back in October 2015 after months of rumors that the marriage was over.

Olivier then filed his own divorce papers, so Halle filed for divorce a second time because, well, she used fake names in her first filing and that made things messier.

In 2016, the courts sent a letter to Halle and Olivier telling them to make some moves on their divorce or it will be dismissed, and they’ll have to start over.

That was a year and a half ago, and nothing has been settled and now the unhappy couple was sent documents from the Superior Court of Los Angeles basically telling them to get this thing done.

Sheesh, even the judge wants this over, what’s taking so long?

Perhaps Halle’s holding out for the silver Anniversary of her divorce filing because it doesn’t look like she’ll ever get a Silver Wedding Anniversary.

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But …maybe Halle is ready to move on because she’s ALLEGEDLY found herself a new man … Keanu Reeves.

No. Seriously.

It ALLEGEDLY all began when Halle signed on for John Wick 3 a few months back and apparently got on really well with Keanu. And this time Halle’s picked a man who’s her age; Keanu is 53, and kinda dim-witted hot, while Halle is 51 and kinda hot, if you’re into that sort of thing, you know, women.

And now that they’re making movie magic together, or as much magic and the second sequel of a film I’ve never seen nor want to see, it’s been ALLEGED that the two are an item.

Still, as noted earlier, Halle hasn’t even divorced her third husband so the idea that she and Keanu will tie the knot is far-fetched, were it that it involved any other woman besides Halle Berry who has infamously said, at least twice, that she would never marry again.

But she’ll likely never divorce again either.

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It's Snarkurday!

So Donnie Wahlberg may divorce Jenny McCarthy because she’s immature? Um … duh?

It seems Donnie wanted Jenny to be a “traditional” of wife and, at first, she seemed cool with the idea, saying she was tired of being “strong” and “independent”—uh huh, as is strong and independent while Jim Carrey was paying the hills—but now trouble’s a’brewing … and a source — highly doubtful that’s it’s Lohan … this time — says:

 “Their marriage is doomed.  It’s just a matter of time before they split. Donnie expects Jenny to behave like a wife, cooking and taking care of the family instead of relying on outside help. But she resists his alpha male act.”

The source goes on to say that the quirks that initially attracted Donnie to Jenny are now just annoying to him and to make matters worse they have conflicting ideas about how to parent their blended family (he has two sons, she has one), and some say Jenny wants to be that boss. At this point, their reality show — and who knew they had a reality show? — may be the only thing holding them together.

Again, I go back to Donnie expecting Jenny could be an adult and I say, ‘Duh.’

In Icky Couple News … Rupert Murdoch is dating Jerry Hall.

Yup, 84-year-old Murdoch who fired his last wife two years ago, decided not to find a twenty-something to bang, but instead chose 59-year-old Jerry Hall.

Rupert and Hall … RupHall?

There have been longtime rumors that Jay Z once bumped uglies with Rihanna and that’s why Solange came for him in that elevator brawl after the Met Ball a couple of years back.

But now, according to Jay Z and RiRi’s former publicist, Jonathan Hay — yes, they shared a publicist and only a publicist … get your minds outta the gutter — says that rumor is about as real as Beyoncé’s hair and singing voice. And bendable pregnancy bump

Hay says he was forced to, ahem, “tell the truth” after being outed as a lair by J. Randy Taraborrelli, author of Becoming Beyoncé, who claims Hay used that story to drum up publicity before the release of RiRi’s first single, “Pon de Replay.” And Hay says he’s already apologized to Beyoncé and given her his first born … a girl called Blue Ivy … or something.

Still, I believe Hay’s story as much as I believe that the pictures on Beyoncé’s Instagram haven’t been photoshopped to within an inch of their lives.

If it ever comes up in your life that you become Tom Cruise’s roommate, just say ‘No.’ That bitch is a bitch about the fridge.

While filming his new movie Mena — in which he plays a drug-running pilot — Tommy shared a home with Doug Liman, the film’s director, and Gary Spinelli, the writer of the piece, with each man taking his own floor of the home and then sharing the kitchen and living room.

But Tommy, who supposedly plays a 500-pound man in the film, isn’t keen on that whole sharing business, and refused to let the other men eat any of his food in the refrigerator. Not the Kale chips, not the tofu, not the souls of small children, and especially not the Tupperware containing Nicole Kidman’s fingernail clippings.

Bitch is a bitch about his food, and there is no sharesies. And do not get him going about not doing your dishes because then there would have been a three hour Xenu lecture with an exam and auditing to follow.

So Halle Berry has failed at marriage … again. Three marriages, three divorces, and one 'un'-marriage with baby Daddy Gabriel Aubry.

Methinks Halle needs The Single Life … Permanently.

But Halle tried to be sly when filing for divorce because she actually used fake names on the papers so the media wouldn’t find out right away. She called herself “Hal Maria” and named soon-to-be-in-a-custody-battle-with-her Olivier Martinez “Oliver Martin.”

And Olivier doesn’t think this was at all kosher, you know, fake names and all, so he instantly filed his own papers using their real names, Olivier Martinez and Halle-Can’t-Stay-Married Berry.

Oh and he also filed himself because he wasn’t legally served — as in a process server gives you the papers — because Halle handed, I giggle, because she probably hurled, them to him.

So, prepare for yet another Halle Berry Messy Break-up with rumors of bad tempers and mean people and poor Halle. But I look at it like this: if you’re the person who’s been married thrice, and been in more than a couple of handfuls of relationships that mostly ended badly, should you be throwing shade?

Last Summer former child star and adult reality show whore, Kim Richards was caught stealing from a Target store in Van Nuys. This came on the heels of a boozy weekend in Mexico, which came on the heels of being dragged out by her Manolo's from the Beverly Hills Hotel for being a belligerent drunk. In between came the news that she was “let go” from RHoBH.

Well, Richards has been sentenced and, as happens in LA when even the most pseudo-of-celebrities get busted, the judge threw the book at her. Well, he threw a pamphlet. He gave her 300 hours of community service, 3 years probation and ordered her to attend 52 AA meetings.

That’s what child stars get for stealing from Target, but even more oddly, this is almost the exact same sentence she got for being a drunken, cop kicking mess at the Beverly Hills Hotel: 30 days of community service, 3 years probation and 52 AA meetings.

Even better, the judge didn’t add her latest sentence to her last sentence, as in 300 hours + 30 days of community service and 104 AA meetings; no, she just has to complete 52 AA meetings and 300 hours of community service.

Unless of course she gets busted again before I finish this sentence in which case she'll probably be sentenced to a spa somewhere.

The upside is that both the Beverly Hills Hotel and that Target in Van Nuys have banned her ass from ever appearing there again.

Okay, I am not a Britney fan and if I ever wanted to see Britney Spears in concert, I’d cut her picture out of an old Star magazine, tape it to a popsicle stick and bounce it in front of my face while playing one of her songs.

I mean, it’d be more lifelike, right? And sing better?

And apparently that’s what more and more people think because no one is rushing to buy tickets to see her You Wanna Piece of Me show in Vegas; Spears has been struggling to sell tickets ever since she debuted and there are tons of open seats most nights.

And Spears blames one Celine Dion, whom, if I ever wanted to see her perform live, I’d have myself committed first because my heart would not go on.

I’m hoping that either Planet Hollywood — the home of the Spears’ “show” — and Caesars Palace — where Celine rules — get together and pit the women in  cage match.

I‘d see that.

It's Snarkurday!

When we last left Curtis '50 Cent' Jackson he was being ordered to pay Lastonia Leviston some $5 million dollars for posting a sex tape of her online because he was pissy about her former boyfriend.

Fiddy tried to play the poor card to avoid payment — and even filed bankruptcy — but the judge ain’t playing and has added an extra $2 million in damages to Fiddy’s tab. And to top it off, the rabid Fiddy fans who created a site to help raise money to pay off the judgment have, so far, raised the amazing sum of $50.67 … meaning Fiddy has about $6, 999, 950 to go!

Curtis’ attorney is filing a post-verdict motion to reduce the size of the award and says that even if the judge ordered a $7 million dollar payout. It’s up to bankruptcy court to finalize the payment.

I’m just hoping that court doesn’t buy the Fiddy Is Broke rap and keeps the seven million on the table.

Well, the $6,999,950.00 at least.

Last month she taught y’all how to yawn and so this month GOOP sinks lower: she is here to tell you how to properly pee in the shower.

Uh huh. That’s a Lifestyle Expert if I ever saw one. In the new edition of GOOP, Paltrow talks about the “secrets of the pelvic floor”:

“Try peeing in the shower squatting down. When you squat to pee as opposed to sitting up straight on the toilet, you automatically engage your pelvic floor and it naturally stretches and tones. Because your urethra is pointed straight down in this position all you have to do is relax for urine to flow out easily—as opposed to sitting up straight and having to strain to empty your bladder.”

Or, do as Paltrow probably does and sit on your back haunches on the toilet, kinda like a gargoyle staring down at her minions, and let the flow, er, flow.

Bill Cosby. Ick, I know, but the story keeps playing out, to the point where even the President called him a rapist.

And the news keeps coming, as now we have the story that a gynecologist prescribed Cosby the Quaaludes he used to drug and rape those 46 … and counting … women. And the information comes from the previously sealed documents in the sexual assault lawsuit filed by Andrea Constand, in which Cosby says he got 7 scripts for the drug, from a gynecologist, who prescribed them to Bill Cosby under the pretense of a bad back.

A lawyer who worked for the doctor — who is now deceased — says the doc was the “go-to” MD for the rich and famous when it came to prescribing recreational drugs. But apparently, even the doctor had better morals than Cosby, because he apparently almost came to blows with Cosby when he found out about Tamara Green, one of the women who accused Cosby of sexual assault, and the good doctor warned Cosby never to do it again.

Wait. What? He warned Cosby? Howsabout calling the police because you just gave drugs to a man who used them to rape women?

Of course, he’s a gynecologist seeing a male comedian about back pain, so maybe his morals were as basement level as Bill Cosby.

I know you need to know this … but Katy Perry and John Mayer have broken up for the 37,492 time.

Maybe John finally got tired of all the time Katy spends on Google researching Taylor Swift, or maybe Katy got tired of having to run to the Free Clinic every time Mayer banged her.

Either way, they’ll be back together before I finish this —

Chris Brown just can’t catch a break. He beats a grill and gets in trouble; he beats a fan and gets in trouble; he throws rocks at his Mom’s care and gets in trouble; he hurls chairs out windows and gets in trouble.

And now this … now he’s stuck in the Philippines because he tried to leave the country without performing a concert he’d been paid to do. Again.

As he was leaving, the plane ready to take off, the pilot was ordered to turn around and head back to the terminal.

The dispute has been brewing for months. Chris was supposed to perform in Manila for New Year’s Eve but he never showed up, and this was after the promoter paid him a million dollars, so when Chris came to Manila last week for another concert, the government blocked the flight because the promoter now says Brownie stole the money by not performing.

And Chrissy sits in Manila. I say let him stay, let him be their problem for a while.

Last week, That Woman threw a graduation party for her daughter Kylie Jenner — not the model, not the one married to the rapper, or the one whose husband is cheating, or even Khloe, whatever she does, but the other one — replete with a fake diploma from the “online” high school Kylie attended.

I think it’s called Instagram High.

Anyway, there were all sorts of rumors that at this high school “graduation” party a lot of the attendees were Coking up, and Khloe — the one who has nothing better to do — instantly Tweeted that she was shocked, shocked I say, to think that people would think the Kardastrophes would allow drugs at their parties.

They.Did.Not. It was booze-filled Jell-O shots these underage kids were doing and that’s okay because Khloe is, well, she is an idiot.

Sidenote of high-larity: Kylie is really, really, really, really, really, really upset that anyone thinks she didn’t graduate from her online high school and says that you just never saw her doing any schoolwork because she doesn’t put her whole life on social media.

Except that’s exactly what she does.

It looks like Ben Affleck is really just Jude Law 2.0 because ALLEGEDLY he has been, whilst still married, dating/schtupping the nanny, Christine Ouzounian.

Now, folks say that Ben and Jen — Garner, the soon-to-be ex — were “Ross and Rachel-ing”, AKA on a break, when he started boning the help but that doesn’t make the soon-to-be ex-Missus Affleck any happier, as evidenced by the fact that she sacked the nanny, after Ben had the nanny in the sack.

Lord that’s confusing.

Ben’s rep is calling this story “garbage” and “full of lies,” but is quite careful at reminding people that the Affleck’s were separated during the time of the ALLEGED affair so, yeah, if it did happen, Ben was Ross and Jen was Rachel and that’s that.

A few weeks back Halle berry was once again in court trying to get her child support payments to baby daddy Gabriel Aubry lowered because she says he lives off her support and won’t work. It’s that same old song and dance from Halle, but this time there might be a new twist.

It seems Halle Berry and her current husband, Olivier Martinez, might be on the verge of splitting up — he lives in Malibu while she lives in the Hollywood Hills — and, well, if Halle has to pay support to Martinez when he has custody of their son, and she has to pay support to Aubry when he has their daughter, she might be living a little less large and doesn’t like that.

So, sue … and sue … and sue.

I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

Sad to report that Food Network Diva — and I don’t mean Bobby Flay, though he’d fit the title, too — Giada de Laurentiis and her husband of eleven years Todd have decided to end their marriage.

And fast; in Giada’s initial statement, she said she and Todd were separating, but a day later Todd dropped the D-word when he showed up at the courthouse bright and early to file divorce papers. Then Giada put away her Crock Pot and sped down to the courts, too, to file her own papers.

Doesn’t sound like it’s gonna be amicable …. Fingers crossed.

Giada and Todd’s marriage has weathered a lot of trouble, from their busy work schedules — though I don’t know what he does, but she cooks … a lot — and rumors of her being a big old cheater. Like the rumor that she banged perennial STD John Mayer, which no doubt might be a reason Todd raced to file papers; he had to get to the Free Clinic.

Rumor has it Giada met Mayer at a charity event hosted by that other serial cheater, Tiger Woods, in 2007, and then waited two years to get Mayer into the sack; or something.

An eyewitness tells of the time Giada and John “crossed paths” at the Boom Boom Room at The Standard hotel:

“Almost as soon as they saw each other, they left the room moments apart. Giada was leaning with her back against the wall, and John was right up against her. Giada was holding his hand and she just had a huge grin on her face. John had one hand on the small of her back. They looked like two people who were going to go home together.”

Well, they didn’t go home together — she has a husband and child at home — but they ALLEGEDLY went to another hotel together.

Another eyewitness ALLEGEDLY saw the two-some not long after at the Plunge Lounge atop the Hotel Gansevoort, where they were “extremely touchy-feely” before disappearing downstairs, where Mayer ALLEGEDLY ordered up ice buckets and towels at 1:30 AM. Giada left the hotel at 3 AM.

For her part, Giada says of Mayer:  “I’ve met him and he’s a great guy, but I just like his music.”

Likes his music? Now we know she’s lying. But this is no lie: the night before Giada announced her split, she was out drinking with her BFF Bobby Flay at Cecconi’s in Miami Beach, where they drank and laughed and giggled and looked like they didn’t have a care in the world; or like one of them wasn’t going to announce the end of a marriage a few hours later.

Now, Flay is married to actress Stephanie March but it’s long been rumored that he’ll bang just about anything … January Jones.

Just sayin’.

Found in the Bullshittery File: Just after Christmas, Kim Kardastrophe went to TMZ to talk about she wanted to get pregnant — figuring then Kanye would have to spend more than thirty minutes a month by her side — but that she couldn’t fly as much because her doctors want her to reduce the stress in her life if she wants to get pregnant again.

At first that just sounded like an excuse as to why she and her husband spend so little time together — apparently his doctor told him not to fly because then he’d have to visit his wife — and because Kim spent the fall jetting around the world pushing a fragrance or an outfit or her ass or that sex tape. And it also appears to be a full-blown lie because just this week Kim was at LAX leaving the country with Kanye, but without her baby.

Like I said, Bullshittery.

Okay we all know that Halle Berry’s husband, Olivier Martinez, loves to punch people. I mean, he beat up Halle’s ex-Baby Daddy Gabriel Aubry in 2012 if you remember, and assaulted a paparazzo at LAX in April 2013, and is now punching just about anyone.

One night while arriving at LAX, Halle was carrying baby Maceo in one arm and holding Nahla’s hand. Olivier walked ahead of them carrying the baby carrier, using it as some kind of shield to keep people away.

Well, one guy seemingly got too close and Olivier used the carrier to shove him back, causing the man to fall. The good news is that it wasn’t a paparazzo, but the bad news is that it was just an LAX employee and now Olivier is being investigated for battery.

Olivier might check into some anger management courses, because he’s rapidly becoming the French Kanye West.

High school girls and Frenemies for Life, Taylor Swift and Katy Perry are still feuding over ex-boyfriends and back-up dancers I guess.

Katy ALLEGEDLY tried to ‘sabotage’ Taylor’s last stadium tour, leading Taylor to ALLEGEDLY write ‘Bad Blood’ about Katy, which led to Katy calling Taylor a “Regina George in sheep’s clothing” on Twitter and on and on and yawn.

But Katy’s done with the stupid games, and plans on bringing out the big guns—and I don’t mean her augmented boobs. She plans to “get back” at Taylor during her performance on the Super Bowl halftime show by making it the best show ever!

Oooh, that’ll show TayTay.

A source — and it can’t be Lohan because she’s still “sick” on vacation — says:

“She wants to make a statement with her performance and show that she is the biggest female act in the world and she wants to show that to everyone including Taylor, who she has a feud with. In Katy’s eyes, no one can compete on her level. [She] will be doing something on stage during her performance that will be directed towards Taylor. She is working on it to be a visual or a lyric related jab.”

Maybe she’ll just ask the other cheerleaders to spell out We Hate Taylor while creating a giant pyramid.

Grow up girls, or else take it to the streets where this dog fight belongs.

Speaking of Swifty, she’s been boyfriend-less for a hot minute now and her well of Poor Me I Got Dumped songs must be running dry so she’s set her sights on another prize: Leonardo DiCaprio.

Now, while Leo is more content to bang models by the truck-load, Taylor seems to think that because she sang a song at the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show one time that makes her close enough to be a model, and just ripe for Leo’s, er, plucking.

After which, she’ll dump him and write a new song, for which I have a title suggestion:

♫ ♪ He Said He Was a Leo, But He Was Just A Liar ♪ ♫

I smell Grammy!

When is Bill Cosby just gonna take a seat?

While performing in London, Ontario recently — one of the few venues that haven’t canceled his appearance in lieu of the dozens of rape allegations against him — a woman got up from her front row seat and walked past the stage when she was asked by Cosby where she was going.

She said she was going to the lobby to grab a drink to which Cosby responded: "You have to be careful about drinking around me."

Cuz rape jokes are fun … apparently … because the audience clapped like trained seals. But later, when a man later yelled at Cosby that he was a rapist, the man was removed from the theater.

Rule to remember: only Bill Cosby can make jokes about Bill Cosby being a serial rapist.

I’m.Devastated.

Apparently the bloom is off the rose for "Bachelorette" stars Andi Dorfman and Josh Murray, who, through a representative, issued a statement saying they’ve called off their engagement.

What kind of world has this become where a woman can’t go on a TV show, meet 26 guys, date thirteen, make out with six, get down and dirty with three, declare her undying love for two, pick one, get married and live happily ever after?

Oh.The.Humanity.

Sidenote: that Josh Murray is kinda hot. If he needs someone to hold him while he grieves the loss of his TV relationship, I'm available.

I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

One surefire way to show people that same-sex marriage is no different that opposite-sex marriage is to look into a same-sex divorce, celebrity style. And I’m talkin' 'bout you, Johnny Weir and Victor Voronov.

Not a lot of folks care about this divorce, and let's be queer, it's not because they're gay it's because one's a former figure skater and one's somebody no one knows, but the stories about the pair just keep spreading; such as, tales of domestic violence, money issues, lies and betrayal.

Johnny is claiming that the divorce is happening because he's tired of paying all the bills around Chez Weir-Voronov, while Victor says the divorce came as a shock to him, though how could he be surprised when he said he'd only seen Johnny twice in two months?

But then Johnny tosses out the abuse allegations with this: 

“We were fighting in such a terrible way and it did get physical ... it’s unfortunate that things went the way that it did because domestic violence is never the way to go. The damage that was done to me mentally was crippling.”

And yet, um, Johnny, weren't you the one charged with biting Victor? In that case that was dismissed when you both showed up to court last month to ask that the charges be dropped?

Voronov’s rep Wendy Feldman says Voronov “feels duped,” by Weir, who “had the [divorce] papers drawn up a day prior to the Olympics and filed right after” so as not to besmirch his reputation — let that marinate a second — while he was commenting on ice skaters.

And then comes the news that Johnny thinks Victor is going to do something to “get back at him.”  Johnny believes Victor is trying to shake him down for money, saying Victor demanded $25,000 plus spousal support, or else he would go to the media and “tell all.” 

That oughta be juicy. But the best part of this whole mess is the email that Johnny actually sent to Victor after he filed the divorce papers, in which Johnny begged Victor not to hurt his ... wait for it ... it's spectacular ... his purses.

I know!

I guess when you sell your soul to reality TV and then your marriage falls apart because your husband can’t keep his d**k in his pants, why not sell that as a show.

Tori keeps talking about how she and Dean are trying to work on their marriage, but their idea of work isn’t quite the same as everyone else’s.

Now, to be fair, Tori's had it tough recently; I mean, her husband was out banging randoms on a daily basis and went to rehab — Banging Randoms Rehab? — for it, and she lost her retail store and admitted that she and Dean were broke. What to do? What to do?

I know! Pitch a reality show about how you’re trying to save your marriage — and call it something like Tori & Dean” Coming Back To Life … seriously — or see if you can get a spot on VH1’s Couple’s Therapy.

Yeah, nothing says this is a real marriage with real problems like trying to sell those problems to a basic cable channel.

So, Halle Berry was married a few times and divorced a few times, and then hooked up with a male model, had a baby, dumped him, fell in love with French actor Olivier Martinez, got knocked up, married him, and now it appears that that marriage is over.

Methinks Halle ought to sit out the dating and marriage game.

Halle is in Hollywood now because the Oscar winner will be shooting a TV show called Extant, with the dreamy Goran Visnjic and there is talk that Olivier thinks Halle and Goran are getting too close.

Well, that would be shocking!

And now Halle is out on red carpets everywhere doing the Let’s Ease Into The Breakup Talk Two-Step by not wearing her wedding ring. Bit, Olivier isn’t quite so subtle; he’s still wearing his ring but he’s moved out of their house.

He thinks Halle is too focused on work and losing the baby weight instead of their family, and he’d like her to join him in the relationship/marriage again. But Halle says he isn’t being civil to her — which is the same song Halle play with every guy she dates and marries then dumps — and she wants him out of the house until he can play nice.

I wonder how much help Olivier will get from Halle’s other baby daddy, Gabriel Aubrey, when he fights for custody?

While a judge ruled that Chris Brown  needs to stay locked up like the thug he is until an a hearing in late April — because he violated his probation yet again by getting the rehab boot — we all know that Chrissy don’t think the rules apply to him.

While the judge says the outcome of his upcoming DC assault case will determine just how long he’s in jail, Brown’s willing to fork out some big money to get the victim to recant his story so Chris can roam free and beat someone else up and then go back to rehab and jail.

Lather.Rinse.Repeat.

It seems Chrissy’s lawyer, Mark Geragos has contacted the lawyer for the man who claims Chris and his bodyguard attacked him and broke his nose, and Geragos offered a handsome payday.

If the guy accepts it, then that case is dropped, the judge in LA will have no reason to hold Chris, and quicker than you can say Ow! My nose! Chrissy’s outta jail.

But for how long, because this is Chris Brown after all, and he’ll probably beat up somebody in the prison visitor’s room on his way out the door.

Pity poor bobble-headed Giuliana Rancic. With no discernible talent, and no degree in fashion — much less a sense of it — she’s carved herself quite the little niche as an E! channel reporter and member of the The Fashion Police.

I say pity her because Rancic recently visited Andy Cohen on Watch What Happens and blasted Russell Crowe for being the worst interview ever … probably because Crowe wouldn’t talk about her dress and jewels and shoes and bag:

 “[He] was so mean to me. I had been at E! for a year, and I literally was like, ‘I’m gonna go easy because he’s pretty tough.’ And so I said, ‘Are you excited to be here tonight? Your big movie premiere?’ And he goes, ‘I’m contractually obligated to be here. What’s your next question?’ And I go ‘Um, isn’t it wonderful seeing all the fans?’ And he goes, ‘That’s your second question? 1, 2, you’re through!’ And walked away.”

Huh. Hard-hitting questions, and quite possibly the same asshatted questions Crowe had been getting all day long from everyone and this member of the Lollipop Heads asks them again as though they have never been asked before.

I’m Team Crowe on this one and not just because I’m afraid he’’ Naomi Campbell me with a phone.

Speaking of Naomi … how’s that for a segue?

The supermodeling, phone throwing, assistant beating diva, Naomi Campbell, recently paid a visit to Australia’s The Morning Show and as a member of the Vogue Covergirl Club, she was asked about the Kardastrophe that happened to Vogue this month.

Interviewer: What do you think of Kim and Kanye’s US Vogue cover, given that you have been on the cover yourself countless times?

Naomi: I do not want to comment.

Interviewer: Why?

Naomi: [literally cackling] Because I am a fashion model and I’ve been working for 28 years. When you get a Vogue cover, it’s a build in your career, it’s a stepping stone to achieve that. I’m a fashion model, so what more can I say?

Interviewer: So you think that Kim and Kanye haven’t earned the right to be on the cover of Vogue?

Naomi: Those are YOUR words. I’m being politically correct. That’s Anna Wintour’s choice to put them on the cover of her magazine. Who’s to question it?

Kylie: Well, I just did.

Naomi smiled subtly and reached for her Blackberry …

More drama in the Charlie Sheen I’m-Marrying-A-Porn-Star-Who-Hates-One-Of-My-Ex-Wives drama.

It’s been two months now since Sheen stopped paying ex-wife, and mother to two of his thirty four children … I kid, or do I, Denise Richards, the court0ordered $55,000 a month. And meanwhile, Charlie has been squiring his porn star fiancée Brett Rossi all over the globe in private jets and on lavish vacations and giving her gold plated dildoes or something to keep her occupied.

And he’s doing it because Brett told him to, because Denise doesn’t want him and Rossi to have unsupervised visits with their children.

Charlie is also trying to kick Denise out of the home she shares with her daughters, which will force them to switch schools or face an hour commute each way, but who is he really hurting? Yeah, his kids, but he’s probably too cracked up to realize that, and he ALLEGEDLY to cracked up to notice that Brett is the one holding the purse strings now.

Now, Charlie’s mouthpiece declares that Sheen has “paid child support to Denise. Your information is incorrect” but he wouldn’t comment on whether Charlie paid the 55K or two-dollars. And then another source — possibly Brett, flat on her back, heels to God — says he hasn’t paid any child support and won’t.

As I’ve said before, I cannot wait until the day the porn star gets dumped by Charlie, possibly for a sexually active Girl Scout, and she has to scratch and claw to get her 55K a month to support the 4, or 34, children she had with him.

So, Gwyneth Paltrow, perfect little Gwynnie, who created a website to tell everyone how to live the perfect Gwynnie lifestyle, is getting divorced.

Is it because she’s an unrepentant snob who thinks a $2,000 t-shirt is a must have? Is it because she’s been accused to schtupping at least two different men? Is it because Chris Martin got a look at that ALLEGED take-down piece from Vanity Fair and realized he was, in fact, married to Lucifer’s Mistress?

No one knows, because in typical Gwyneth speak the two are not separating and headed for divorce; they are … wait for it … it’s high-larious because only Gwyneth Paltrow would phrase it like this … they are Consciously Uncoupling because Separation and Divorce are for peasants!.

And in typical Goop fashion she and Martin took their children, Pomegranate and Bathsheba, to the Bahamas so they could have a Family Vacation, AKA Mommy and Daddy are Uncoupling Kids day at the beach.

That’s nice, but after the divorce, and Gwyneth can paint it in whatever pastel colors she wants, it’s still a divorce, she and Chris will be wonderfully co-parenting their children on two separate continents. See, Gwyneth wants to love in LA because in LA she thinks she’s a star, while Martin wants to move home to London where they lived for ten years until Gwyneth realized most people were like, Who’s Gwyneth Paltrow and why is she with Chris Martin?

Here’s the message Gwyneth put on her Goop website because that’s how everyone should announce to the world that they are doing the Conscious Uncoupling:

“It is with hearts full of sadness that we have decided to separate. We have been working hard for well over a year, some of it together, some of it separated, to see what might have been possible between us, and we have come to the conclusion that while we love each other very much we will remain separate. We are, however, and always will be a family, and in many ways we are closer than we have ever been. We are parents first and foremost, to two incredibly wonderful children and we ask for their and our space and privacy to be respected at this difficult time. We have always conducted our relationship privately, and we hope that as we consciously uncouple and coparent, we will be able to continue in the same manner.

Love, 
Gwyneth & Chris”

Closer than ever? Oh, Gwynnie, even you can't spin that into the truth.

Remember last summer when we learned that Zac Efron had sent time in rehab for a drug problem? And then, after rehab, he broke his jaw, and had to have it wired, because he slipped on water in his house and not because he was as high as a kite?

Yeah, it all sounds as plausible as this story: Efron says he was attacked over the weekend by a sketchy person after he and his bodyguard got stuck in the Skid Row area of downtown Los Angeles.

Efron told police that he and the bodyguard had “run out of gas” … in Skid Row … and were “sitting in their car” … in Skid Row …  waiting for a tow truck and, while waiting, they threw a bottle out of the window of the car and it happened to smash on the pavement near a group of “transients” … in Skid Row.

The “transients,” thinking the bottle had been thrown at them, came over to the car to confront Efron and Bodyguard; the bodyguard was then attacked by two “transients’ and when Efron got out of the car to help he was punched in the mouth.

 “It was the hardest I’ve ever been hit in my life,” Zac told police.

But no one was arrested as the cops felt it was a mutual combat.

Does anyone else think it’s high-larious that a famous celebrity, fresh from rehab, just happened to be driving through Skid Row and ran out of gas and was jumped by hobos? Or, maybe there was some drug deal going down that went south and fists ALLEGEDLY flew.

This story kills me.

Joan Rivers has a web show called In Bed With Joan where she interviews all kinds of celebrities, former celebrities, and celebrity wannabes, in bed.

Well, this week she interviewed Ray J, best known for having sex with Kim Kardastrophe, and peeing on her in the process, on camera. And leave it to Joan, but she and Ray J reenacted the Kim Kardastrophe sex tape for the show and that’s when, all over the world, birds instantly fell dead from the skies as Kim Kardastrophe shrieked to the high heavens:

Kanyeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

And then to make it all the much worse, one Khloe Kardastrophe, who had been booked to appear on In Bed With Joan, suddenly canceled at the last minute.

Which I find high-larious because we wouldn’t even know what a Khloe Kardastrophe was if her sister hadn’t decided to f**k on camera and then let her mother, That Woman, sell it to the highest bidding porn house.

Just sayin’.