It's Snarkurday!

Look, I am about the furthest thing from straight that you can get, but if I were a straight man ::: giggle snort ::: and I was JLo’s man, you can bet I’d be keeping it in my pants and only banging my bank account, er, girlfriend, instead of stepping out on her. But, while Casper Smart is a straight man ::: giggle snort ::: he’s a not-so-bright straight man because he’s been dumped by Lopez again for being a cheater.

Seriously, Casper, the only thing you have to do in life is do whatever Jennifer Lopez tells you to do … her laundry, bathe the kids, walk the dog, satisfy her sexually, measure her ass to make sure it’s still huge, and yet you feel the need to once again dip your wick in some other, um, pool?

And, hon, if you’re gonna cheat, you cheat up, to someone more famous, with more money; you don’t cheat down because now you’re coin-less and out of a job.

Oh Lindsay Lohan … She desperately wants to be a businesswoman because, well, acting is just about over for her … unless you count acting the fool on social media a career. She tried to corner the market on leggings and spray tans and apps for your phone and they all bombed quicker than her last film so now she’s put her name where her mouth is, and where the vodka goes in …

Yes, Lindsay Lohan has announced on Instagram that she is opening a nightclub called LOHAN in Athens. I was thinking Freaky Friday might have been a better name for a Lohan bar; or The Boyfriend Trap; Lindsay Fully Loaded? Seriously, what does Lindsay Lohan know about being a bar owner, other than getting drunk in a bar; stealing another woman’s fur coat in a bar; starting a fight in a bar; passing out under a bar?

To be fair, Lohan is actually a part owner of the bar; her friend-slash-john, Greek restaurateur Dennis Papageorgiou is technically the owner but Lindsay will get a percentage which she will promptly drink up, causing the bar to go out of business about an hour after it opens.

Just saying.

Donald’s cohort in PussyGat, Bill Bush is now officially fired from NBC and is ALLEGEDLY getting a $10 million payout.

He’s been on the job a hot minute and gets ten mil for being publicly outed as a douchebag of Donald-Proportions? Casper Smart couldn’t even get a deal like that and he was Lopez’, um, well, he grabbed her, um, look Casper walked away with the clothes on his back and Bush gets millions.

Oy. Next up Billy Bush comes cleans on Dr. Phil and then appears on Dancing With The Stars. Mark.My.Words.

And now more Lohan … Since she’s owned a nightclub for roughly thirty seconds now, Lindsay has announced that she will also open a line of spas. But it isn’t all about booze and facials for Lindsay; no, she also wants to, and I’ll let her say it, offset all of this capitalism by “creating and distributing organic health drinks” for refugees.

Yes, she’s gonna make smoothies for refugees! Lohan … the gift that keeps on giving … though I imagine her “organic health drinks” are at least 100-proof.

I should’a married Phil Collins when I had the chance. I would’a Sussudio’d him to the poor house.

See, Phil divorced his third wife, Orianne Cevey, back in 2008 and paid her what was then a record for divorce settlements in the UK: he paid Orianne $30.5 million! And now, the two are back together eight years later and Phil says she is keeping the money.

Seriously; I could’a been Mr. Phil Collins for a couple of years, pocketed a cool thirty million and been set for life.

I don’t get Azealia Banks. I mean, rumor has it she’s a singer or something but all I ever hear about her is when she explodes on Twitter against The Gays or gets kicked off a plane or starts a feud with someone.

In a now-deleted Facebook post, Banks claims that Russell Crowe choked her, spit at her, called her the N-word and threw her out of his hotel suite. 

Russell Crowe and Azealia Banks? Mismatch. But, multiple witnesses says that Banks was tossed from Russell’s suite, but not because he was a jerk but because she was a hot mess who threatened to stab him and another guest.

On the night in question, Russell hosted a dinner party for 10 people in his hotel suite; Crowe invited rapper RZA, who directed him in The Man with the Iron Fists, and RZA brought Banks, who says this is what happened:

“To recap my night, I went to a part [sic] at Russell crowes [sic] suite, at which he called me a n***er, choked me, threw me out and spat at me. Last night was one of the hardest nights of sleep I’ve had in a long time. The men in the room allowed it to happen. I feel terrible today.”

Party guests, though, have a different take; they say Crowe never called Banks a slur and only put his hands on her because she was about to throw a glass. They say the whole mess started when Azealia made fun of the music Russell was playing and called him and another guest “boring white men.” Another guest asked Banks to “shut it” — perhaps she said “be quiet” I was just paraphrasing — and then the ugliness ensued because Banks then ALLEGEDLY shrieked:

“You would love it if I broke my glass, stabbed you guys in the throat, and blood would squirt everywhere like some real Tarantino shit.”

Then Azealia reached for her glass, cocked it and Russell Crowe bounced her ass outside.

Look, here’s the queer deal: I ain’t no celebrity — except in my own head — but even I know you don’t allow Azealia Banks into your home and anywhere near the cutlery and the crystal unless you want a bloodbath.

Seriously, Russell, what were you thinking?

Wow, two Phil Collins stories in one week? The man must be really trying to rekindle his career and his third marriage.

This time, though, it’s about a feud to between Phil and Paul McCartney. Yes, like last week’s Grandpa Feud between F. Murray Abraham and Mandy Patinkin, we now have two more old men fighting … or maybe one old man trying to spark a fight with the other …

Phil Collins spoke to the UK’s Sunday Times about his upcoming autobiography, Not Dead Yet and spilled the beans about the time he met McCartney at Buckingham Palace back in Ott-Two.  It seems Phil had a first edition of The Beatles biography by Hunter Davies, so he brought it with him to see if Paul would sign it for him … big mistake, huge.

Phil says when Paul and his then-wife Heather Mills approached him he went in for the autograph, and Paul said:

“Oh Heather, our little Phil’s a bit of a Beatles fan.”

Little Phil? Well, he is barely five-foot-five but still, it was kind of a bitch move on McCartney, and Little, er, Phil, wasn’t having it:

 “I thought, ‘You fuck, you fuck.’ Never forgot it. He has this thing when he’s talking to you, where he makes you feel (like), ‘I know this must be hard for you because I’m a Beatle. I’m Paul McCartney and it must be very hard for you to actually be holding a conversation with me.”

Yeah, even though I missed my shot at marrying, divorcing for millions, and remarrying, Phil Collins, I am Team Phil this time out … though I place most of the blame for on McCartney’s rudeness on that one-legged bitch of an ex-wife of his, Heather.

Just sayin’ … she’s vile.

Whenever Tyra Banks feels like she isn’t seeing her name in the press often enough … and once a year is too much … she races to the nearest reporter to beat that dead horse she’s been beating for over a  decade now: her feud with Naomi Campbell.

It seems that recently Banks and her baby Daddy Erik Asla were guests on the Norwegian-Swedish talk show Skavlan — what, Steve Harvey turned her down? — and the conversation turned to how she was terrorized by Naomi back in the day.

Tyra talked about going to Paris as a new model and how she met HBIC Campbell:

“I got to Paris and it was very difficult I did very well, very fast. But then the industry was saying, ‘Look out Naomi Campbell, here comes Tyra Banks, Naomi Campbell sit your butt down, this younger one is coming to take your place. It wasn’t fair to Naomi, but her response was … to this day I’m very scared of her. I don’t want to go too deep into the past, but it was very difficult, like some of the lowest times of my life dealing with that. I don’t condone her actions and her response, but I understand where it comes from because the world is saying, ‘You’re not going to have your spot. We’re going to take your money, we’re going to take your fame. Go sit down, there’s somebody else.’”

I love how she says she doesn’t want to go too deep into the past and then she does, as she does every time it seems like people have forgotten her while no one in the world has ever forgotten, or will ever forget, Miss Naomi Campbell.

Sit down, Tyra; I see a phone coming toward your five-head.

It's Snarkurday!

So, a lot of people are speculating as to what Kim Kardastrophe and her husband, Kanye Kardastrophe, will be naming their second child.

And it won’t be a South West sibling for North West because, well, let’s have Kim toss a word salad explanation:

“I don’t like South West, though, because that’s like – you know, North will always, you know, be better… And be more – she has a better direction….so I wouldn’t do that. I don’t think we’ll go with another direction.”

Huh? Hopefully, whatever they name this child it will grow up to be able to structure a coherent thought, unlike Mommy.

There’s already a problem with the new ABC show, The FAB Life, starring Tyra Banks and Chrissy Teigen, and, no, it’s not just because it stars Tyra and Chrissy, though that would seem enough. It seems the former BigForeHeaded supermodel and the current GoingCommando supermodel don’t speak … at all.

A source — and it ain’t Lohan because that would be a threesome of hot messes — says:

“You never put two supermodels on the same show together, especially when one’s more than 10 years younger than the other. They are so different. Tyra thinks about everything. She thinks about what to say, down to when to move her arm. Chrissy is from the new school, where she says whatever she wants.”

Tyra needs to think about where to move her arm, and Chrissy doesn’t think at all. M’kay. I smell Supermodel D-i-saster.

Actress — well, I’ll use the term ‘actress’ loosely, because she has just two expressions: Mopey and Pouty — Kristen Stewart is apparently done with men after her boyfriend, Sparkles The Vampire, Robert Pattinson, dumped her after she boned her married director.

Yup, KStew has a girlfriend, y’all, and we can thank her mama Jules for the scoop, after Jules said this to the Sunday Mirror:

“What’s not to be accepting about her now having a girlfriend? She’s happy. She’s my daughter; I’m just her mom so she knows I would accept her choices. I’ve met Kristen’s new girlfriend, I like her. What’s not to accept? She’s a lovely girl.”

Except now Jules is saying she never said that:

“I spoke to Sharon Feinstein about my film K-11 that has been put on display in the Hollywood Museum.  … She also asked me about my views on gay rights, which I was happy to express. Then we talked briefly about the fundraiser I am hosting for TheWolfConnection.org. Never ever did we discuss Kristen!” 

Jules is maintaining that all she ever said about KStew’s ALLEGED girl-toy, Alicia Cargile, is that she’d met her as her daughter’s personal assistant … uh huh … and all she ever said was “She’s a lovely girl.”

Now the only issue is that the interviewer, Sharon Feinstein, says she has the tapes of Jules talking about her Lesbian daughter and she’ll release them. And do I’m guessing KStew will finally reveal a new facial expression: Pissed Off At Mom.

It looks like it might not be all Gay Happy Heaven in the Elton John and David Furnish household. Rumor has it — I miss Adele … but I digress — that Furnish is cheating on John, and actually bought his new boy-toy, personal trainer, Danny,  a £300,000 house. The pair met during a “night out” and has spent a lot of time together in the past year while Elton’s been busy working and touring.

Ruh-roh. According to The Sun on Sunday newspaper, Land Registry documents from April 2013 show David paid more than £330,000 for a two-bed flat in South London and reportedly helped furnish and redecorate the pad.

David and Danny went on a number of holidays together and Danny even flew first class to Hawaii to celebrate David’s 51st birthday with him, as well as hanging out in London.

Now, Danny maintains he’s “just friends” with David … and Elton as well … but, well, how many friends buy their other friends houses?

Uh huh.

Shortbite:

Caitlyn Jenner is going to bank about $6 million for her E! reality show, which just proves that, even after transitioning, she’s as much a Kardastrophe as she was before.

I guess there really is life after death, because it appears that Fashion Police is coming back after Kathy Griffin, Kelly Osbourne and Giuliana Rancic bludgeoned it to death.

Oh, and to make sure it retains that Joan Rivers sense of humor, the new host will be that bastion of comedic entertainment, Melissa Rivers.

Seriously? And Melissa thinks Kathy tarnished Joan’s memory? I imagine Joan sitting in Heaven eating snacks with Liz Taylor and shouting:

Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.

It was just about this time last year that the story broke about JLo’s underage — I kid ... or do I — boyfriend, Casper Not-So-Smart banging a transsexual model named Sofia Vissa.

Well, JLo stuck it out with her cheating boyfriend for about a hot minute and then they “broke up.” Of course, we now know they never really broke up, and were back together before JLo’s nails could dry. But they kept up the lie, with JLo talking about being single and looking for love, and Casper looking like a pathetic high school boy without a date for prom, until that story died when we learned that the break up was a lie and the two had never really been apart.

So, they’re back together and it’s summer and, well, it looks like Casper’s cheating again … with Lebanese pop star Haifa Wehbe. Casper starred in and choreographed Haifa’s “Breathing You In” music video and allegedly started banging that pop star at about the same time that he started banging JLo again.

And it looks like JLo isn’t happy being sloppy seconds again, because just as Casper started negotiating to be in another Haifa “video” Mama JLo put her foot down and nixed the deal. So, are they gonna break up again, and then lie when they get back together, and then get back together on camera in time for Casper to find another side-piece?

Stay tuned … this is riveting stuff.

Caitlyn Jenner and That Woman must be so proud of their daughter.

Not the one who made a porn tape and then turned that into a career; not the one who married the drunk and gets pregnant every nine months; not the one who married and divorced the crack basketballer; and not the one who’s started modeling for all the biggies in fashion.

The other one; the underage one who seemingly does nothing but post her lips to Instagram and date a years older rapper, Tyga, who, after denying his relationship with Kylie because he’s basically guilty of statutory rape, released a new song that is ALLEGEDLY about his little girl toy, called Pleazer.

And it some of the lyrics in his “song” that are garnering a lot of attention because he seems to be bragging about banging a child called Kylie:

I just hit and forget they even existeded

Ha, it’s all the same though

I changed the lingo, gave her dangle, bury the dang ho

I’m fuckin’ faster, I’m gettin’ stronger

I hit her, she backwards, lickin’ her asshole

My dick is the password

T nasty, ’bout to catch a felony for it

Vagina juice like orange juice in the mornin’

Let’s not even go into the illiteracy, or the fact that the subject is disgusting, but let’s talk about how Tyga thinks he gonna catch a felony because the age of consent in California and Kylie, who began her relationship with Tyga in 2014, is only seventeen.

Tyga, who at first seemed to be bragging about banging a baby, now says he wrote the song two years ago and it was about his Baby Mama, Blac Chyna, and not Kylie except … Blac Chyna was never underage when she let Tyga dip his STD Wick into her — and create a child — so he would never catch a felony from that.

It’s about Kylie; it’s clear. But what remains unclear is why That Woman and Caitlyn are allowing this to happen; is it because Caitlyn is busy doing her own thing? Is it because That Woman negotiated a percentage of the profits from whoring out another of her children so as long as there are coins slipping into the bank accounts, she doesn’t care who, or what, schtups her child.

Lovely.

I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

Color me stunned! Britney Spears apparently does not sing live during her Las Vegas spectacle, Pieces of me, at least according to those who work for the, um, 'star.'

Britney’s contract for this mess, which pays a reported $15 million a year, demands that she create a spectacle bigger than anything she’d done before, so that people who had seen her "live" before would still be tempted to come.

And so BritBrit tapped Baz Halpin, the show’s creative director, to create elements of fire, water and snow, in a kind of jungle theme--in addition to Doritos, the girl loves some jungle themes. In fact, Halpin even her a tree to jump off of in the middle of the third act; it’s 56,000 pounds and 32 feet high and takes six people to move.

But with all that Adam Leber, Brit's manager, says she does not sing live because, well, it's hard:

“To put on the show that she puts on, it’s virtually impossible to sing the entire time and do what she does. She’s singing on every song, basically, when she has the ability to sing. There’s no way you can dance for 90 minutes straight and sing the entire time.”

Huh, so BritBrit prances around a Vegas stage lip-synching to her old songs and pockets $15 million a year. And she charges The People anywhere from $300 and up for a basic seat, up to $2500 if you wanna meet her in person. I'd prefer to go down to a drag show on the strip and watch a Britney impersonator do the same show and only have to pay a two-drink minimum.

Lindsay Lohan is still in the UK because, as she says, the people in America are out to get her and that it's all our fault she's such a massive train wreck.

A source — and you know its Dina, Skyping in from Long Island — says:

“Lindsay’s convinced everyone in America is out to get her, but she’s had the opposite experience in London. She loves British culture and says people have treated her with respect for the first time in years. Now she’s looking into the immigration process and planning a full-time relocation.”

But I wouldn't hold my breath for that to happen because, just as we tired of her antics here, those folks across the pond are getting an eyeful of The Lohan Rampage.

It seems — big surprise — that Lohan is out partying ‘til the wee hours of the morning and our source — Hey Dina!! — says she has “fallen of the wagon” again, while convincing those around her she’s still clean and sober.

Of course, she may wanna stay in London for other reasons, like she has all kinds of money and tax problems on this side of the pond and thinks if she stays away all her troubles will just disappear.

Well, Linds, I got news for you: Denial ain't no river in England.

Remember how Casper Smart ALLEGEDLY cheated on Jennifer Lopez with a transsexual model or two before she kicked his grade school ass to the curb?

Well, Casper wants y'all to know that he never EVER cheated on La Lopez.

As we now know, the JLo-Smart fling is over, though was it over when the cheating scandal broke, as most people think, or was it over months ago as JLo's people want us to believe?

Either way, Smart — an odd name for a dumbass — is so pissy that people are saying he's a cheater that his lawyers fired off a letter to TheDirty.com telling them to stop saying Casper had flings with two transsexuals. Smart has given the site an ultimatum — either retract the story or get sued; his lawyer also sent threatening letters to the two transsexuals … imploring them to sign declarations saying they never met Smart.

Well, Dirty.com's Nik Richie has a response:

“Casper, go get a real job. I heard Instagram is hiring over in their compliance department … Stop blaming everyone else for your problems.”

Ouch. And you just know the only reason Casper wants to sue is that JLo cut off his allowance and baby boy needs some coin.

Bachelor contestant Courtney Robertson, who was picked by Ben Flajnik in 2012 — and they lasted about a half-minute after the show went off the air — has a new tell-all out called I Didn’t Come Here to Make Friends: Confessions of a Reality Show Villain. The working title was I’ll Do Anything For Coins So Hire Me.

I digress. It seems some of the more salacious details from Courtney’s book have been steadily leaking to the press, including her claim to have had an on-off thing with Entourage’s Adrian Grenier and that she considered him well hung but hairy.

Now, though, the leaks pertain to Courtney having sex with Ben twice while on the show — while he was presumably having sex with at least three other women on the show — once on camera in the ocean and once in the Fantasy Suite.

The gross thing about this televised STD-fest is that Courtney and Ben had unprotected sex because no one bothered to leave condoms in the Fantasy Suite — not that these two famewhores would have bothered to use them.

Still, Courtney makes a great deal of noise about how all the contestants are being tested for STD’s prior to filming, but not given protection during the show.

Seriously, ABC, are you planning on covering all those STD treatments for all your contestants?

Meanwhile, back at Lohan.

At the Moschino show in London last week she ended up chatting with a style reporter from the New York Times who paid special attention to the fact that Lohan actually arrived on time for the show and sat in the front to support “her friend” designer Jeremy Scott.

Lohan ALLEGEDLY told the reporter she doesn’t go to every fashion show — after being seen at every fashion show last week — unless, and I quote, “It’s Chanel.” Then she paused, realizing where she was, and added, “Or Jeremy Scott!”

Poor Cracktress can’t even keep a story coherent.

But then she reveals the real reason she’s in London — or at least the reason that plays on a continuous loop inside her head; Lohan says she is in town preparing for a potential appearance in David Mamet’s “Speed-the-Plow” in the West End.

“Preparing” for a “potential” role; like I’m “preparing” for a “potential” run at the White House in 2016.

The London papers have been saying for a while that Lohan was trying to beg—or prostitute herself—for a stage role, but she kept showing up late to all of her meetings and no one in the London theatre community wanted to work with her.

So, this begs the question: does anyone really think Lohan will make her stage debut in the West End or does she mean she’ll hang out by stage doors in the West End looking for up-and-coming actor to schtup?

And if she does by chance get the gig, how many performances do you think she’ll give before deciding it’s too hard and quitting.

I’ve got ‘one.’

It kinda seems like ElevatorGate has put a damper on the careers of Beyoncé and Jay Z; or maybe the rumors of cheating on both sides, he with Rachel Roy, she with The Bodyguard — not Kevin Costner, though.

I mean, last year the tickets to their On The Run tour might have sold out in minutes, this year, not so much.

According to the leading ticket sales distributor, tens of thousands of tickets are still available for the “On the Run” concert in Miami on July 25, as well as Atlanta on July 15 and a July 12 show in New Jersey. And those are the big city, big tickets shows that saw both Justin Timberlake‘s 20/20 tour and Madonna‘s MDMA tour sell out quickly.

But lack of airplay for both of the couple’s new releases might have something to do with it, or maybe people are sick and tired of The Carters after the elevator smackdown.

Either way, there are plenty of seats left to watch Jay sweat and Bey grind.

If you’re into that sort of thing.

So Kim and Kanye Kardashian, er, West, er Kardastrophe.

Did you see those pictures of them on their honeymoon in Ireland? Of course not, because the couple spent four days of that trip in their hotel room trying to Photoshop the kiss picture from their wedding.

Seriously. The straight comes straight from Kanye’s ever-flapping yap:

“Let me tell you something about that kiss photo that my girl put up … this was pissing my girl off during the honeymoon, she was exhausted because we worked on the photo so much because Annie Leibovitz pulled out right before the wedding. I think that she was, like, scared of the idea of celebrity. Because Annie pulled out, I was like, ‘Okay, I still want my wedding photos to look like Annie Leibovitz,’ and we sat there and worked on that photo for, like, four days because the flowers were off-color. Can you imagine telling someone who wants to just Instagram a photo, who’s the No. 1 person on Instagram, ‘We need to work on the color of the flower wall,’ or the idea that it’s a Givenchy dress, and it’s not about the name Givenchy, it’s about the talent that is Riccardo Tisci — and how important Kim is to the Internet. And the fact the No. 1 most-liked photo [on Instagram] has a kind of aesthetic was a win for what the mission is, which is raising the palette.”

Wow. I thought she had the big ass and he had the big ego, but maybe she has the big ego and he’s just a big ass.

Back to JLo and some interesting news: She’s divorced.

Yes, three years after filing and two days after dumping boy-toy cheater, Casper Smart, Jell-O and Marc Anthony have finally ironed out the details of their split. Is it me, or did the divorce dealing last longer than the marriage?

And there are some interesting strings attached …there is no spousal or child support due either one of them, Marc and JLo each get to take the kids trick-or-treating separately … which means the lucky twins will be doubling up on full size candy bars and they are both prohibited from making their kids public spectacles in front of the paparazzi, but the most interesting bit is that JLo gets primary custody while Marc gets the kid just 7 days a month, as long as their nannies are present.

Meaning: JLo is watching Marc when he’s with the kids.

Control freak much?

I Ain't One To Gossip But ....

Gwyneth Paltrow just got through trying to un-wedge a wedgie from her mouth after whining about how hard her life is as a Millionaire Mom and now she's gone and done it again! Here she is, in context, y'all, so remember that when she says her words were twisted, saying how hard it is to read about what a douche you are online:

“You come across [online comments] about yourself and about your friends, and it’s a very dehumanizing thing. It’s almost like how, in war, you go through this bloody, dehumanizing thing, and then something is defined out of it. My hope is, as we get out of it, we’ll reach the next level of conscience.”

Yup, she compared reading "mean things" about Her Royal Assholiness to going to war, and one Cindy McCain, married to Grampa McCain, and mother of two sons serving in the military, is not happy with La Goop and Tweeted this:

“Gweneth [sic] Paltrow is a joke. Her life is like taking bullets for a soldier. What a joke! My 2 sons serving in the military should talk to her…Perhaps Gweneth Paltrow should go out on patrol with some soldiers. Kind of like a Red Carpet in her mind I guess!”

Oh yes she did. Snap. And I cannot wait for Gweneth — I may start using that spelling — to wriggle out of this latest bit of lunacy!

Emily Blunt recently sat down with the London Telegraph to discuss her co-starring role in the next Tommy Grrrl Cruise bomb, Edge of Tomorrow ... wait, wasn't that a 70s soap opera? Anyway, it's a routine interview until the writer brings up some snark Blunt tossed at Cruise and his kind of movies a while back.

See, back when she was a newbie in ‘The Biz’ Blunt said that she would rather do badly paid theatre for the rest of her life than ever accept a role “as a spear carrier in a Tom Cruise movie” and so when the interviewer reminded her of the quote, she denied it:

“I never said that! What an awful thing to say.” 

Oops, then the interviewer brings out the article with that exact quote! Blunt laughs out loud and then says, “That is so funny. Well, at least I’m not a spear carrier.”

But you're still in a Cruise Bomb.

If you ever wondered why Tori Spelling is such a media whore who would sell even the most agonizingly private moments of her life to the public, you need look no further than her mother, Candy.

In her second memoir Candy at Last, Old Lady Spelling tells the tale of the affair she had shortly after her wallet, er, husband, died. She had started seeing a man named Larry, but quickly stopped because he had a “penile implant” and just couldn't get enough of Candy's candy.

Ick.

Well, Charlie Sheen went and did it; he evicted his ex-wife, his baby mama, and the woman who took in two of his other children when that other ex-Mrs. Sheen spent the better part of a year in her twenty-seventh rehab, from the house he bought for her and his kids.

And all because his porn star fiancée commanded it.

He’s sold the home to a “friend,” although he’s allowing Denise and her girls, Sam, Lola and Eloise to remain in the home until the end of the school term."

What a gentleman, eh?

I say Denise move into a three bedroom place in the valley and let Charlie keep all of his money and hookers and whores and coke and be rid of him.

His girls would be better off.

Whitney Houston was an absolute legend who died long before her time, I'll grant you that, but I think even Whit might wake up and slap some sense into her family if she could.

See, there are some folks who want to make a movie about Houston and, well, it's a TV movie ... on Lifetime ... and Whitney's hangers-on — the ones living off her legacy — aren't at all happy.

After Lifetime made the announcement that they are planning on a biopic for 2015, with Angela Bassett making her directorial debut, that when the Houston’s had a problem. The family is so upset that Whitney won’t get feature film coverage that they’re considering a lawsuit to block production so they can make their own film, a kind of riff on the “This is It’” Michael Jackson movie.

And horror of horrors? Bobbi Kristina says she is the only actress capable enough to play Mama Whitney. Seriously? Bobbi Kristina? You bettah sit down, grrl, before you fall down.

Still, I wonder who will play Bathtub Whitney, though I imagine the Houston family will end their movie long before that happened, long before Bobby Brown, long before ‘crack is whack,’ like, say, right after "I Will Always Love You" became a big hit.

Lindsay Lohan is so in love with London that she'll do anything she can to live there even if she can't afford it.

She’s been telling everyone she wants to rent in London, but lacks the funds and is asking friends if they have flats that she can use. But, so far, all are saying No because no one wants to come home to an episode of Lindsay Lohan Crack Den Hoarders.

I'm betting she falls off the wagon again, goes to rehab again, gets out of rehab again and then hooks up with the UK's answer to Oprah — Graham Norton — and has him pay for a Brit version of her reality show docu-series and also pay for her to have a place to live.

Hey, it worked once y'all.

So, there is still gossip about how and why Solange Knowles "elevatored" Jay Z and the rumor that will not die is that it had something to do with his 'friendship' with designer Rachel Roy, but .... what if Beyoncé is the one having an affair a la Whitney in The Bodyguard?

Beyoncé’s bodyguard, Julius De Boer, became instantly famous when he saved her husband from crazy Solange. On the video from the elevator, Julius is all cool and calm and collected and now rumors are that he's kinda close to BeyBey. And it seems Jay Z thinks there's a little something going on. In fact, Jay wanted to fire Julius last February — before he saved Jay's ass — but Beyoncé put her foot down, then picked it back up and put it down put it down put it down.

It seems the singer and her bodyguard have raised eyebrows for years for their unusually close relationship; the eyebrows went higher back in '09 when Julius and Bey were spotted leaving a hotel, his lips stained with what looked like Beyoncé’s signature red lipstick.

Wow, to be stuck in an elevator while your wife's sister beats the crap outta you because she thinks you’re doing it with Rachel Roy, and then to have your wife’s ALLEGED lover save you?

No wonder Jay looked so glum after that elevator ride.

Tori Spelling and Dean McDermott are still here. 

The first season of their craptastic, desperate for attention Lifetime reality show True Tori has mercifully ended, but right there, near the end, Tori, who never had one part of her life she didn’t want to sell, or tell, in a feeble attempt to remain relevant, revealed that Dean got a special tattoo just for her. Now, he already has a tat of Tori’s face above his elbow — excuse me, I need a Vomit Break — but this new one he had inked right above his penis and it says "Tori's."

I guess he just wants to remind any women, or ALLEGEDLY, men who might wanna ride the Dean Peen, to whom it truly belongs.

Ick.

A little more news about the pre-divorce ceremony of Mr. and Mrs. Kardastrophe? Well, there are all kinds of new stories about Kanye Going Krazy at his own wedding, like …

It seems he made sure that the guests, if they had to tinkle, could do so in Full Eleganza-a-a-a-a-a-a. Yes, the biggest decorative element at the wedding — besides Kim’s ass — was a 49-foot tall gold box which contained the bathrooms. It was situated right beside the dinner tables, with a bar in front of it and, according to at least one guest the “toilet was the star of the show." In fact, he, and others, called it the Torre di Bagni Oro, the Gold Toilet Tower.

And, just to show how white-trashy Kanye is, he decided that the dinner tables should be made of marble, but instead of place cards, he ordered Italian stonemasons to engrave the name of each guest into the marble. Sadly, though, some names were lost in translation and badly spelled.

Then, four days before the wedding, Kanye ordered 30 life-sized nudes, sculpted black marble, be created and displayed at dinner. Sadly, 10 of them fell apart, another 10 were damaged in transit, and of the remaining 10, four were missing their heads. Still, they were put around the dinner tables until Kanye came to the venue and ordered them moved away. Since each one weighed half a ton, the whole crew spent the final two hours using machines to move Kanye's nudes. In fact, it took so long that the first guests to arrive saw the forklifts moving them.

And the Gold Toilet Tower.

Not to be outdone by Kim Kash Kardastrophe's wedding ... because, by boning her on camera, he made her a celebrity ... Kim's porn movie co-star, and the bane of Kanye's life ... Ray J, got himself arrested for grabbing a woman's ass in a club, arguing with police, and then spitting on a police officer and kicking out the window of a patrol car.

I guess he really really wanted an invite.

I don't know how I missed this one but, back in 2012, it seems there was a sex scandal involving JLo's oldest boy, lover Casper Smart, and his visits to sleazy massage parlors where, ALLEGEDLY, he asked the women for a ‘quick handie’ during his during a rubdown.

That story quickly faded from view, but now we have a new sexy story about Casper cheating on JLo with a "transsexual model named Sofia Vissa” whom he ALLEGEDLY met online and began meeting up, and banging, in the real world. As soon as that story broke, JLo's team tried to shut it down, and it did die out, only to be replaced this week by yet another tale of Casper and a transsexual model named Xristina Marie. 

And this one might put the nail in Casper's coffin, er, allowance. “Sources” claim Jennifer and Casper are on the verge of splitting, and he will be staying home while she travels to the World Cup soccer championships in Brazil.

Hard punishment, because Casper loves Brazil and soccer, and, ALLEGEDLY, transsexual women.

Now, that ain't a bad thing, don't get me wrong, but it seems like Casper had one job: take care of JLo and collect some coin, but he couldn't keep Little Casper in his pants.

Chris Brown is out of jail, y'all!

Back in May Chrissy was sentenced to spend more time in jail for violating the terms of his probation sentence for his Rihanna beat-down. He was supposed to stay in jail through June, but he was released at the end of May. He served 108 days of a 131 day sentence and received credit for his 116 days in rehab and this latest 59 days in jail, and so he was released for good behavior.

Here's the deal: his behavior only seems to be good when he's locked up, it's when he's free to roam the streets and beat his girlfriend, and toss chairs out of windows, and punch fans in the face, that his behavior turns bad.

Still, he could go back to jail soon because his trial for punching a fan, with the help of his bodyguard, starts soon.

And let’s end with some JLo.

This week Jennifer Lopez went back to the block to give her old neighborhood a concert and make herself seem like a regular girl.

So, wearing a pair of custom-made $5,000 Louboutins, hiding under an endangered $100,000 chinchilla coat, JLo left her $10,000-a-night Manhattan penthouse hotel suite and took her $500,000 Maybach though her old neighborhood hoping to snap some photos of her adoring former neighbors rushing the car for, perhaps, a glance of her magnificence.

Except that her old neighbors didn’t give a rat’s patootie that JLo was back, and couldn’t have cared less that she was performing in their neck of the woods. It seems only about half of the 25,000 people who received free tickets actually showed up to La Lopez’s first-ever show in the Bronx.

Ouch.  Of course, Jell-O — as Carlos calls her — didn’t help her case by surrounding herself with her dancers and sitting on a mock stoop on the stage and singing … singing? ,,, a cappella like she was just hanging round the hood.

Seriously, JLo, you cannot go home again because they don’t want you there.