More Bitchy and Catty ... Goddess Knows I Love Bitchy and Catty

Bette Davis on Joan Crawford:

“Why am I so good at playing bitches? I think it’s because I’m not a bitch. Maybe that’s why [Joan Crawford] always plays ladies.”

“The best time I ever had with Joan Crawford was when I pushed her down the stairs in Whatever Happened to Baby Jane?”

“[Crawford] has slept with every male star at MGM except Lassie.”

“[on the death of Joan Crawford] You should never say bad things about the dead, you should only say good… Joan Crawford is dead. Good.”

Whitney Houston on Madonna: 

"She's the high priestess of tack"

Joan Crawford

“[In The Women] Norma Shearer made me change my costume sixteen times because every one was prettier than hers. I love to play bitches, and she helped me in this part.”

“I never go outside unless I look like Joan Crawford the movie star. If you want to see the girl next door, go next door.”

“I am just too much.”

 “Nobody can imitate me. You can always see impersonations of Katharine Hepburn and Marilyn Monroe. But not me. Because I’ve always drawn on myself only.”

On Marilyn Monroe:

“It was the most shocking display of bad taste I have ever seen. Look, there’s nothing wrong with my tits, but I don’t go around throwing them in people’s faces.”

On Liz Taylor:

“She is a spoiled, indulgent girl, a blemish on public decency.”

On Bette Davis in The Star:

“Of course I had heard she was supposed to be playing me, but I didn’t believe it. Did you see the picture? It couldn’t possibly be me. Bette looked so old, and so dreadfully overweight.” 

Sterling Hayden on Joan Crawford:

“There’s is not enough money in Hollywood to lure me into making another picture with Joan Crawford. And I like money.”

Vivian Leigh on Bette Davis after Leigh turned down a role in Hush … Hush Sweet Charlotte:

“I could just stand the thought of facing Joan Crawford at seven in the morning, but I couldn’t stand the thought of facing Bette Davis at that or any hour.”

Carole Lombard on Vivien Leigh:

“That f–king English bitch.”

Naomi Campbell to Tyra Banks: 

"You'll never be me. Don't ever think you'll be me"

Joan Collins on Linda Evans: 

"It's quite off putting to have to look at that face"

Tallulah Bankhead

“Cocaine isn’t habit forming. I should know — I’ve been using it for years.”

“Fill what is empty, empty what is full, and scratch where it itches.”

“Here’s a rule I recommend: Never practice two vices at once.”

“I’ll come and make love to you at five o’clock. If I’m late, start without me.”

“I’m as pure as the driven slush.”

“I’m the foe of moderation, the champion of excess.”

 “It’s the good girls who keep diaries; the bad girls never have the time.”

“I’ve had a man and I’ve had a woman, and there’s got to be something better.”

“My father warned me about men and booze, but he never mentioned a word about women and cocaine.”

“Nobody can be exactly like me. Sometimes even I have trouble doing it.”

“Say anything about me, darling, as long as it isn’t boring.”

“The less I behave like Whistler’s mother the night before, the more I look like her the morning after.”

“The only thing I regret about my past is the length of it. If I had to live my life again, I’d make the same mistakes, only sooner.”

“There’s less here than meets the eye.”

“They used to photograph Shirley Temple through gauze. They should photograph me through linoleum.”

Bette and Joan: How The Feud Started

After learning about Feud — the upcoming show about epic fights, a la Bette Davis and Joan Crawford — and after watching All About Eve for the umpteenth time, I thought I’d tell a couple of stories I’d read about Davis and Crawford from both Dark Victory: The Life Of Bette Davis by Ed Sikov and Not The Girl Next Door: Joan Crawford by Charlotte Chandler.

So ... how did the feud star you might ask? Over a man, of course, an actor named Franchot Tone.

Bette was starring alongside Franchot in the 1935 film Dangerous, a part for which she won her first Academy Award, and the two fell in, well, most likely, lust:

“I fell in love with Franchot, professionally and privately. Everything about him reflected his elegance, from his name to his manners.”

But then along came Joan; Crawford, at that time, was an MGM star, and also newly divorced and looking for husband number whatever. Legend has it that when she heard of the Davis-Tone affair, she invited Franchot to her house for dinner and greeted him in the nude. Now, whether or not that happened, Joan made sure Bette knew about their liaison.

”He was madly in love with her. They met each day for lunch … he would return to the [Dangerous] set, his face covered in lipstick … He was honored this great star was in love with him. I was jealous of course.”

Then Franchot and Joan proudly announced their engagement and married in New Jersey as soon as Dangerous wrapped. The marriage lasted three short years and fizzled just as Bette was winning her second Oscar for Jezebel.

Still, Bette wasn’t happy about Crawford stealing her beau; she took to calling Crawford a shallow “mannequin” with eyebrows like “African caterpillars” whilst she was a serious, theatre-trained performer. She also called into question Joan’s reputation for being easy to bed by most male Hollywood stars:

“She slept with every male star at MGM, except Lassie.”

Sounds mean, but Crawford was not any nicer.

“Poor Bette. She looks like she’s never had a happy day … or night … in her life.”

And the feud grew worse in 1943, when Crawford was fired from MGM and signed with Warner Bros, the home of, yes, Bette Davis. Two years later, Joan Crawford won an Academy Award for Mildred Pierce — a part Davis turned down which probably added fuel the fire.

But it wasn’t until 1962 that the feud came to a full boil when both Bette Davis and Joan Crawford signed up to appear on screen together for the first time in Whatever Happened to Baby Jane, the story of two former film stars living a lonely existence in their Hollywood mansion.

Joan was married to the CEO of Pepsi Cola at that time and so she had Pepsi made available to the cast and crew every day; Bette, of course, was a Coca Cola girl, dontcha know, and so she had a Coke machine installed in her dressing room to dole out free bottles to the entire crew.

For the scene in which Bette drags Joan across the floor, Crawford decided to make the haul heavier by filling the pockets of her costume with rocks.

Baby Jane enjoyed rave reviews and widespread acclaim and Bette Davis was once again nominated for a Best Actress Oscar; Crawford was not. And Joan Crawford was not at all pleased about this turn of events. She called all the other Best Actress nominees and offered to accept their awards if they won and, strangely, all the other women agreed.

So, on Oscar night, Davis and Crawford were both seated and waiting for the announcement of Best Actress: Bette was sure she’d win but … Anne Bancroft won for the Miracle Worker and then, to Bette’s horror, Joan Crawford stepped forward to rapturous applause to accept on Bancroft’s behalf.

“I almost dropped dead! I was paralyzed with shock. To deliberately upstage me like that- her behavior was despicable.” — Bette Davis

But it wasn’t over, yet. Given the success of Baby Jane, Davis and Crawford were signed to do Whatever Happened to Cousin Charlotte. Yes, it was called that until Bette said she hated it and suggested  Hush … Hush Sweet Charlotte.

Neither woman was happy to work together again, so Bette demanded a higher paycheck than Crawford and Crawford doubled down by decreeing that her name be first above the title.

There were other differences; Crawford demanded she be treated like a movie star while Davis mingled with the cast and crew; Bette walked everywhere on the plantation location, while Joan was driven around the set in a golf cart. Joan left each day in a limousine with her maid while Bette hitched a ride back to the hotel with the crew.

What? You don’t remember Crawford in that film? Well, that’s because after working just four days on the production legend has it that Crawford chickened out of appearing alongside Davis again and checked herself into Cedars of Lebanon Hospital and refused to return to the set. She was eventually replaced by Olivia de Havilland.

Still, wouldn’t that have been something … in that film, it would have been Crawford’s turn to torment Davis’ character. Too bad she chickened out …

Bitchy and Catty? Sit By Me ....

Since I learned about ‘Feud’ last week — for anyone who missed it, it’s a new Ryan Murphy series about epic feuds, the first season being the feud between Bette Davis and Joan Crawford, I found some bitchy catty quotes from Bette and Joan and others.

Feel free to use any in impolite conversation …

Joan Crawford on Bette Davis:

"She has a cult, and what the hell is a cult except a gang of rebels without a cause. I have fans. There's a big difference."

Bette Davis on Joan Crawford:

"I wouldn't piss on her if she was on fire."

Bette Davis on Cary Grant:

"He needed willowy or boyish girls like Katharine Hepburn to make him look what they now call macho. If I'd costarred with Grant or if Crawford had, we'd have eaten him for breakfast."

Marlon Brando on James Dean :

"Mr. Dean appears to be wearing my last year's wardrobe and using my last year's talent."

John Gielgud on Ingrid Bergman:

"Ingrid Bergman speaks five languages and can't act in any of them."

Talullah Bankhead about Bette Davis:

"When I get hold of her, I'll tear out every hair of her mustache!"

Talullah Bankhead to Tennessee Williams after seeing the film version of one of his plays:

"Darling, they've absolutlely ruined your perfectly dreadful play."

Madonna to Elton John:

"The easiest way for you to lose 10 pounds is just to take off your wig."

Elton on Madonna:

"She looks like a fucking fairground stripper."

Noël Coward :

"I see her as one great stampede of lips directed at the nearest derriere."

"She had much in common with Hitler, only no mustache."

"He's completely unspoiled by failure."

Joe Orton:

"You were born with your legs apart. They'll send you to the grave in a Y-shaped coffin."

Truman Capote about Jack Kerouac's On the Road:

"That isn't writing at all, it's typing."

Tennessee Williams on Truman Capote:

"I always said little Truman had a voice so high it could only be detected by bats."

Gore Vidal on Truman Capote's death:

"It was a good career move."

Dame Edna to Roseanne:

"Tell me, is there anything you wish you hadn't eaten?

Charles Pierce:

"If you ever become a mother, can I have one of the puppies?"

Mary McCarthy, in a statement about Hellman in a 1979 interview on The Dick Cavett Show:

"Every word she writes is a lie, including and and the."

This prompted a defamation suit against McCarthy which was dropped after Hellman's death. Later McCarthy said of the suit:

"If someone had told me, don't say anything about Lillian Hellman because she'll sue you, it wouldn't have stopped me. It might have spurred me on."

Oscar Wilde:

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."

"Of course, America had often been discovered before Columbus, but it had always been hushed up."

"She is a peacock in everything but beauty." 

Bitchy and catty are gifts ... I don't own them.

The Advocate

Be Still My Gay Heart: "Feud"

Ryan Murphy, producer/writer/director of Glee, The New Normal, The Normal Heart, American Horror Story, Scream Queens, The People v. O.J. Simpson: American Crime Story, Nip/Tuck, has a new anthology series coming to FX and my Big Heart is pounding with, um, glee?

His new series will be about feuds, classic feuds. And the first season of the series will cover the rivalry between Joan Crawford and Bette Davis while the pair were shooting What Ever Happened To Baby Jane? The pilot is based on a script titled Best Actress that Ryan Murphy bought a while ago.

Now, having read autobiographies of both women, this will be good; and it will be made even better because Jessica Lange is cast as Joan Crawford and Susan Sarandon will be Bette Davis.

I am flummoxed because while I adore Lange, I am a Team Bette Queer.

Also in the cast are Alfred Molina, as Baby Jane director Robert Aldrich; the fabulous Judy Davis as Hedda Hopper; my Not-So-Secret Crush, Stanley Tucci as movie mogul Jack Warner; and Dominic Burgess, as Baby Jane co-star, Victor Buono. 

Feuds will be an eight episode series, shooting this fall to premiere sometime next year. And if it’s good, and who can say it won’t be, there will be other seasons of other feuds, like—and this comes from Dlisted:

Season 2: Susan Sarandon v. Debra Messing starring Debra as Susan and Susan as Debra!

Season 3: Angelina Jolie v. Jennifer Aniston starring Denis O’Hare (in Liz Taylor drag) as Angie and a bottle of Smart Water in a wig as Jennifer!

And on and on and on…..

Dlisted

Wedding Week Repost: Make The Yuletide Gay

Yes, I know it's not Christmas yet, but since we're getting married this week, I'm gonna post one because it looks like a party.

I love a good happy jolly Christmas story and since I didn't have one I thought I'd repost this ....

Make The Yuletide Gay

So we decorated the tree last night. I had one of those days of running around, Post Office, bank, store, cook dinner, do the laundry, sweep, clean.....a real CinderFella, I am. And so the mood soured as the day went on. I hauled the box with the tree inside it — yeah,it's fake, okay, I got lots a pine trees in my yard so why do I need another one left to die in my living room?

Yeah, it's that kind of mood. Anyway, I got the tree, the ornaments, the garland, the lights, for inside and out, all out of the garage while Carlos was at work. He came home, and of course said I should have waited for him to get the tree out of the garage.

Wait for you, I sneer, Then we wouldn't have a Christmas tree up until Easter.

Man, I can be a bitch! It's like Joan Crawford and the PepsiCo Brad.

Don't fuck with me, fella. This isn't my first time at the rodeo.

So we eat dinner first, a delicious baked chicken breast, over rice with black beans, corn, tomato, poblano pepper, and a green mole. Delicoso! Then I change into my jackboots and Nazi uniform, because I am a tyrant about the tree. I don't know where it comes from, but there it is.

Put the little ones on the inside! It gives the tree more depth.

I'm Martha Freakin' Hitler. More depth? What in the hell does that even mean?

No, you have to put some on the bottom.

Go to the OTHER side.

Put 'em on the back.

Not those! Theeeeeeeeeeeeeeese!

I goosestep around the tree, inspecting it, moving one ornament from branch to branch. We ran out of ornament hangers and Carlos walks away for a few minutes; he returns with a box of.......paper.....clips.

Paper clips! We are white trash. At last. Next year I think I'll get a stapler and a glue gun. Not for the tree, for Carlos.

Why not just string tin foil and plastic wrap around the tree, It's shiny and purty!

You put two blue ones side-by-side.

You have three on ONE branch!

You are not allowed to decorate the tree next year.

Of course Carlos, being the sweetest human being ever, simply smiles at my, well, histrionics, shall we say; my order barking. My just plain barking. My snapping. My yelling. My being a big old raging bitch. Tis the season! I need an egg nog, with extra nog, if you get my meaning.

Finally, finished. And without bloodshed. Well, Carlos bled a little when he jabbed his finger with a hanger, but I was out of the room, I swear. The cats will vouch for me! We light up the tree and sit and relax. It does look pretty but it needs more ornaments. I say that every year and every year we buy more and put them on. Pretty soon we'll do without the tree all together and just pile the ornaments in the corner and call it Christmas.

Sorry I snapped, I say.

It's okay, he mutters, his lower lip jutting out like a shelf.

Where's my gun?

That's a joke...........I don't have a gun.

Hmmmm. Maybe Santa will bring me one.