Why Is It ...

… that people don’t understand that I am taking part in The May Challenge and so I may give a fuck, or I may not.

… that I had a thirty minute conversation with a co-worker about her weekend and when she finished, I said I was billing her for time wasted.

… that when I went to the doctor with a suspicious looking mole, he said, “They all look that way so you should put him back in the garden.”

… that when my boss said to me, “This is the third time this week we’ve had complaints about your attitude, so you know what that means?” and I said, “It’s Wednesday?”

… that when Carlos made my coffee this morning he handed me the cup and then winked at me; I’ve never been more afraid of a drink in my life!

… that people who say they don’t have time for my bullshit need to wake up earlier.

… that while I was getting gas this morning I noticed the girl on Pump #3 was getting $10. Where the hell was she going, Pump #4?

… that my Serenity Prayer goes like this: God grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change; the courage to change direction when I see them coming; and the wisdom not to try to smack some sense into them when I can’t avoid them.

… that the coworker who called me a psychopath doesn’t realize that at least I’m on a path while she is still trying to sort out her life. Right, Melissa?

… that I used to party in fields with people I didn’t know but these days too may people in Aisle 5 is a hard no?

Why Is It ...

… that even those closest to me cannot tell if my smile means ‘Hello’ or if it means, ‘Fuck off.’

… that my co-worker was upset when I told her that I never knew I didn’t give a shit about so many things until she started talking.

… that sometimes I talk to myself and then we both laugh and laugh!

… that when people tell me that I’m very quiet, they get upset when I reply, “I know, why don’t you join me.”

… that when someone asks, ‘Are you crazy?’ I simply reply, ‘Yes,’ and just like that the discussion is over

… that while I appreciate unsolicited advice, I often tell those people to save their thoughts for the trainwreck looking back at them in the mirror.

… when people tell me that I have a unique way of lighting up a room I tell them it’s called arson and they are called witnesses.

… that when I complain to my therapist about how the voices won’t stop he reminds me that they are people, and they are allowed to talk.

… that I cannot control who walks into my life but I can control which window I throw them out of

… that people need to realize that, while I am the kind of loyal friend who would take a bullet for them, I am also the reason we’re being shot at.

Why Is It ...

… that when someone tries to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “There's gonna be a lot of people there,” my response is, “Oh, okay ... then No.”

… that I have only just learned that the best way to get out of a conversation is to take one sock off and hand it to the person speaking. Problem solved.

… that no one has yet to invent transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.

... that no one realizes that I can’t even fake “kick it” so that’s why they don’t see me.

… that my friends keep asking me to try out their new Ouija board when they know I don’t even like talking to living people.

… that people don’t realize that I do not get drunk; I just get less classy and more fun

… that people don’t realize that I am just here to post shiz I find funny. Please know, however, that if that offends you, I find that shiz funny, too.

… that people need to learn that I am not the bigger person and they should leave me alone.

… that when people say I should get out more and get out of my comfort zone I always reply, ‘Howsabout you get outta my comfort zone.’

… that people don’t realize that out of all the lies I’ve told in my lifetime, ‘Just kidding’ is my favorite.

Why Is It ...

… that at first I am really shy but get to know me and I become a podcast.

… that most people don’t know that an orgasm is one of the healthiest forms of stress relief so when I tell you to go fuck yourself it’s because I care.

… that when I hear women talk about bleaching their assholes, I always wonder if they pour it over his head or make him drink it.

… that as soon as I give someone the benefit, here comes the doubt.

… that at work I am always asked to do things for which I am not qualified … like being nice to fucking idiots.

… that if I’m ever known as “the one who got away,” it will be from an asylum.

… that I am such a “who the hell touched my stuff, never mind, I found it” kind of person.

… that I’m only just now realizing that my personality falls between Mother Teresa and Mother F*cker.

… that trying to understand some people is like trying to pick up a turd by the clean end.

… that my boss doesn’t understand that while I have decent problem solving skills, it’s in problem creating skills that I really shine.

Why Is It ...

… that I want to start booing people during conversations that don’t interest me.

… that when I was a kid I could fall ten feet off the monkey bars, jump up and yell, ‘I’m fine,’ but these days when I try to scoop ice cream that’s a little to frozen I dislocate my shoulder.

… that I find myself at that age where the only club you’re gonna catch me at now is Sam’s Club.

… that my friends don’t understand how to text with purpose. I can’t be Hey, Heying everyday….

… that male bees have it made; they die right after mating. That’s their life. Honey. Nut. Cheerio.

… that most of my co-workers understand what I’m saying just by my facial expressions, eye rolls and slights twitches, but the ones who don’t will do so soon enough.

… that I don’t always go the extra mile but when I do it’s because I missed my exit.

… that there is nothing funnier than hearing a work friend use their fake customer service voice in public and thinking, ‘That’s not the real you.’

… that if it’s the thought that counts, I’d probably be in jail by now.

Why Is It ...

… that I don’t think I’m old, but I have noticed that my dinner time and bedtime are getting dangerously close to one another.

… that the two worst feelings in the world are not having a job and having a job.

… that non-cat people don’t realize that cats are better than babies for many reasons, one of them being that when you’re done holding a cat you can just drop it to the floor.

… that if you speak to me in the morning and I’m mean, it’s your fault, not mine.

… that I take rumors about me as a compliment. Is it because I like the fact that you’re bringing my name to tables I don’t sit at shows your obsession with me? Stay bothered.

… that people don’t get that they can burn all the sage they want; I’ll still come back.

… that jobs are so clingy; why do you have to see me 8 hours a day, five days a week … or even 6 hours a day, four days a week.

… that I don’t get why everybody hates lazy people; we didn’t do anything.

… that October is my favorite time of year? I can finally turn off the ac and turn on the heat at 5AM then turn it off at 9AM and open the windows and then shut the windows at noon and turn on the AC, only to turn it off at 7PM and then turn …

… that if I blocked you on social media the block also applies to real life so if you see me, keep walking.

… that when my boss said my co-workers told him that I intimidate them, I stared at him until he apologized.

Why Is It ...

… that no one realizes that if you mess with me, I will lock you in the trunk of my car, and then help people look for you.

… that I can tell if someone is judgemental just by looking at them.

… that I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror this morning and realized that my charisma will be doing most of the heavy lifting today.

… that my patience is like a  gift card; I’m not sure how much is left but give it a try.

… that I have officially reached the age where I don’t know if I injured myself or of that’s just how I am from now on.

… that every time I try to make a protein shake it turns into a margarita?

… that if I ever forget my safe word, I just call out someone else’s name? Because it works every time.

… that I cringe at so many things I say out loud and yet I will not stop talking.

Why Is It ...

… that when I hear someone say “Life is a walk in the park,” I think of my life as a walk through Jurassic Park?

… that I am the person that always leaves early … like Cinderella?

… that I hardly ever speak to people? So, if I talk to you, congratulations!

… that you think I was a toxic person in your life, but in fact it must have been your fault; next time, don’t play with me.

… that your secret is safe with me? Cuz I’m gonna forget it as soon as you tell me.

… that I hate when people think I’m mad or sad because I’m not talking when the fact is, sometimes, I’m just too lazy to talk.

… that one of my toxic traits is going too hard on the chips and salsa before dinner arrives.

… that I have the uncanny ability to forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.

… that I vacillate between thinking I am crazy and thinking I am not crazy enough.

Why Is It ...

… that I don’t even have a sense of humor anymore? It’s just biting sarcasm and a general hate for the majority of the population.

… that everyone complains about the weather, but no one wants to sacrifice a virgin to change it?

… that my toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 PM, and food should be involved, and it depends on the weather, the parking situation and how tired I am? Then, and only then, am I actually down. Maybe.

… I am inept at small talk? I just asked the guy cutting my hair what he did for a living.

… that my awkward level is so bad that, while in a store, I bumped into a mannequin and said, “Oops, sorry,” and then I said, “Oh, I thought you were a person,” and then I realized I was still talking to a mannequin?

… that self-discipline is so tough for me? Is it because I’m the boss of me and that guy runs a really loose ship?