Lindsay Ep 7 and 8: It's A Bomb and a Bombshell ... and The End

I’m thinking Oprah has finally has enough of Lindsay Lohan — who hasn’t, other than, say … Lindsay Lohan — because the Final Two episodes of the craptastic Lindsay reality show docu-series on OWN were shown back-to-back last night. It’s like Oprah was yanking off a big fat ass bandage, you know.

Yeeeeeooooow!

First up, Lindsay is asked to film a piece for Billy Billy Eichner's Billy on the Street show; the call time is 1PM. Her make-up crew arrives at her apartment at 1PM — although Lindsay won’t allow OWN to film in her house that day — and so Billy on the Street producer, Mike Farah, waits for her to come down; he texts her, and receives no responses; he gets word from a member of his team that, once again, they’ll be losing the light if Lindsay doesn’t hurry and so Lohan finally makes her appearance on the street at 3:05PM, two hours late; she blames it on a chest cold and tells us she knows when she gets sick because she doesn’t smoke as much.

She tells us this as she’s lighting a cigarette.

Anyway, she arrives ‘on set’ — the one place Lindsay most longs to be — and begins destroying a car with Billy Eichner because they're so upset that How I Met Your Mother is ending. Funny? I’ll reserve judgment but, at the end of the sledge-hammering of the car, the producers ask Lindsay to record a couple of lines of dialogue; she says she can’t; head cold; m’kay.

So off she goes; home to pack, because now she’s headed to Art Basel in Miami. She lies in bed, chain-smoking and telling us how hard it is to pack for a trip while she tells AssMatt the Assistant what to put in her suitcases. Lindsay’s life is hard, y’all. She only gets out of bed long enough for her hairstylist to put $1200 of hair extensions in because, you know, Miami, long hair. Or something.

Lindsay travels all by herself to Miami because the OWN crew isn't going; oh, I smell trouble, and, as happens, on her second day in Miami, there are reports of an altercation at the house where Lindsay is staying. The fracas involved one Barron Hilton — not an actual Baron, that’s his name — who says he made a rude remark about Lindsay and she had her entourage beat him to a pulp.

Naturally, she had nothing to do with that and yet she leaves that house and hides out in a hotel for the remainder of her trip. But, back home, she tells reality show docu-series Amy Rice that she will “not explain” what happened.

"I'm not going to explain. My name was involved in it. It is what it is. ... It's really frustrating because I didn't have any part in it."

Still, I find it funny that when the OWN cameras are off, all hell breaks loose, and, as as the gossip bubbles and boils — some guy named Bob even wrote about it on something called I Should Be Laughing — Lindsay says she will write what "really" happened and post it to her website. It’s a long letter about bad people, and innocent Lohan and how she never really does anything wrong, head cold, overslept, working, paparazzi and yet she gets the blame for it. In the end, though, she doesn’t post it.

Next up, Lindsay goes out to a club, after AssMatt the Assistant first scours the place to make sure no one can see her. Lindsay talks about staying sober, and tells us she has no issues being around people who drink — apparently even the friend sitting next to her who rambles on about the first time he ever got high and then brags about how strong his vodka tonic is; yeah, these are good people to have around.

We do get a few sweet moments, though, as Lohan goes back to the Duffield Children’s Center in Brooklyn for her community service punishment and plays with the kids, but after the last few weeks it feels a little too staged, and not at all real. Especially when Lindsay says she hopes the judge will just tell her that she’s done enough community service because, you know, she’s been there twice and what’s the purpose? There are better things to do …

Like introducing fellow Disney-star-turned-trainwreck Miley Cyrus at the Jingle Ball holiday show in New York. It'll be her largest public appearance since leaving rehab 137 days earlier and she’s chosen, once again, to dress like a two-dollah whore in a Same Old Chic t-shirt and thigh-high black boots.

We listen as Lindsay tells us she’s meant to be ‘in the biz’ because it’s in her family; Dina was a Rockette — probably until she got so drunk she high-kicked another dancer in the face and was let go — and Granny "did radio."

"It's like I'm not feeding what I was meant to be given, what God gave me as a child, so that can make you go crazy and that's essentially what it did to me. I got really bored, really restless. And in that you act out. I think that's, you know, being human."

Or childish, and spoiled, and out of control, and a drunk, maybe?

Lindsay wants to meet Miley before the show, and gets annoyed that Miley won’t respond to her Tweets — and you just gotta know that you are really low-rent if Miley Cyrus avoids you; in the end, Miley does just that — she won’t meet Lohan; I’ll give Miley points for that one!

The next day Lindsay lunches with film producer Hilary Shor, who will be producing her upcoming film, Inconceivable; on the way, Lindsay once again whines about how tired she is “not getting cast in movies” and hates seeing all these other actresses who are getting her roles; you know, actresses who haven’t been arrested for DUI, cocaine possession, theft.

At lunch, Hilary kisses Lindsay’s ass, saying she’s adored her since Lindsay was ten — before the cracktastrophe occurred, you know — and she tells Lindsay that, as an actress, and star of a film, she’ll set the tone for the production. Lindsay agrees, but I think Hilary might have done better to have lunch with Paul Schrader and asked him about Lindsay and The Canyons.

Just sayin’.

Next up, we enter Episode 8, the final episode, and Lindsay starts off being interviewed by Jared Leto for a project he's doing about LA; she says people come to LA for “fame” and tells us that the person she’s most disappointed in her life is herself. I get teary eyed, but then I remember she’s acting.

We also get a little film of Lindsay cooking pork chops at home — must-see TV — with friends Carly and Gavin; Gavin’s a good friend. He’s the one who said, at first, that he was driving the car during Lindsay’s car wreck on the Pacific Coast Highway a couple of years ago until police proved otherwise; he’s the one who hung out with Lindsay the night she punched the psychic in the face at a bar; he’s the one who sold Lindsay out after that because she drove off and left him.

Gavin’s a good friend; every recovering addict needs a good friend like Gavin. 

Luckily, that’s all we see of him, because next Lindsay shoots the cover of something called Nylon Singapore magazine; but she arrives right on time and the photographer just loved her so that was a good day.

She also meets with literary agent Scott Waxman to discuss a possible book deal; she says she can either do a coffee table book full of pictures of herself or maybe write her “real true” story. Waxman wants the second one because, he says, it’s a multi-million dollar book deal. And Lindsay wants it, too, because she thinks she’s worth multi-millions and because she’s worried about Dina’s saying about her in her book, and Lindsay wants her “truth” out there; or, at least, a truth that might not be as bad as Dina’s.

And then Lindsay heads out to another bar, flowing with the champagne, to help launch her brother, Michael’s, new karaoke app called Just Sing It. And again Lindsay tells us that she’s fine being around drinkers and drunks and booze and such and I wonder how much she drank when the cameras weren’t looking.

This episode was a whirlwind of activity because, after the launch party, Lindsay heads to Shanghai for the Sohu Fashion Awards. Let that sink in: Lindsay Lohan gets an award for her style? Sohu must be Chinese for Hooker. And while there, Lindsay does yet another photo shoot for a Chinese magazine that requires her to lie on couches and arch her back like a porn star.

It’s good stuff, you know, but that’s over and she’s off to Sundance with Inconceivable producer Randall Emmett to announce that Lindsay will be back “on set.”  She's at a rented condo where there's a huge no-smoking sign so naturally she’s smoking because the rules don’t apply.

She and Emmett head off tot eh press conference where the journalists in the half-empty room are told that if they ask any personal questions — about what, or whom, I wonder — they will instantly be escorted out. They don’t, and the press junket seems to go fairly smooth until …

Back in New York, AssMatt the Assistant is packing his bags to go back to LA for a while; he says he’s leaving because “it’s complicated” and he’s signed a contract not to talk, but the tabloids have a different story; they claim that now that the reality show docu-series is over there is no paycheck for AssMatt and so off he goes.

For about six weeks because then the show has begun to air and Lindsay will be doing press and needs an assistant so apparently OWN couched up another check for AssMatt. He calls the gossip rubbish, saying he was paid up front for being her assistant and that there never was an issue of not being paid, but even his own story corroborates the gossip; he was paid up front for working during the show and now that it’s over, buh bye.

Until they need him again and there he is helping Lindsay do press for the reality show docu-series, including David Letterman's show, which makes Lindsay happy because the last time she was there was right before her last court date, jail sentence, rehab.

It’s a full-circle, Oprah Winfrey A-ha moment.

And then The List. That list of lovers pops up. She explains that it was part of her Betty Ford program, her “sexual inventory” and that while she was moving to New York, someone — Dina — found it in a box and that person — Dina — leaked it to the press and that person — Dina — will be seen on the reality show docu-series even though that person — Dina — is now out of her life.

And then the apartment. Even though Lohan was given a two-year lease — paid for by the production company, not Lindsay Lohan — the owner has decided to sell the place because now it’s a hot property; in wonder if “hot property” means one needs a HazMat suit to enter it? Lindsay doesn’t want to leave, calls life unfair, and says she’ll do whatever she can to scare off potential buyers.

Like posting a sign that says “Lindsay Lohan Lived Here”? Scary.

And so, dear friends, the Lindsay Lohan reality show docu-series is coming to a close, and we’re going to get some final thoughts from Lindsay.

"I cried so many times … When the camera's on, I'm on, and if I know I'm not capable of being on, that's why I'd say I can't be filmed today.”

Except, now she drops the bomb that, during those times she didn’t allow access to the film crew, she suffered a miscarriage:

"I had a miscarriage for those two weeks I took off. It's a very long story. ... Mentally, that messes with you."

That’s all, though; no more talk about it; no mention of who the father might be; no talk of maybe had she told Oprah of her miscarriage, Oprah might not have felt compelled to make the infamous Knock It Off Visit, because now Oprah seems like a bitch, telling Lindsay not to f**k it up and to stop the bull sh*t when Lindsay had just suffered a miscarriage.

Or …. Maybe it was just another excuse. It’s never her fault you know.

She talks about addiction, but then says she’s not your typical addict — no responsibility — and that she knows right from wrong and good from bad.

And then she goes off to a party with friends.

MY TAKE

I’d be surprised if there wasn’t more rehab and jail time and court time now that the reality show docu-series is over. I think Lindsay held on as long as she could while OWN was around and when they weren’t — Miami — all hell breaks loose and will again.

Lindsay ALLEGEDLY did get a book deal, though not the multi-million dollar offer that Waxman talked about because the publishing industry knows a trainwreck when it sees one. But, she will ALLEGEDLY get $1 million from HarperCollins to write about her last — or perhaps better called her most recent — stint in rehab that lead to the OWN fiasco. According to an insider, it will be more like an autobiography than a memoir.

The film Lindsay is set to shoot in June, Inconceivable, is being financed by Randall Emmett  and his business partner George Furla; those two have received their financial backing from producing team Remington Chase and Stefan Martirosian who have 'separate convictions for cocaine trafficking.'

Lindsay said she was 'in the dark' about the ALLEGED history of Remington Chase and Stefan Martirosian but still intends to make the movie; she says “'film financing is a business matter and of no concern to an actor” which might be true but she’s a producer with a history of drug problems being financed by drug money.

As of now, though, that’s all that Lindsay has on her plate.

When this show first started, I was pulling for her; she'd just done the Oprah interview and actually admitted to her drug and alcohol problems. i thought she was finally taking responsibility, but now I think she was just saying what she thought Oprah and OWN wanted to hear. Then came the "reality."

Lindsay told Jared Leto that she didn't know what the future had in store for her, but I have an idea ...

Lindsay Ep 6: Lohan Finally Accepts Responsibility That Everyone Else Is To Blame

Okay, this episode starts off with a recap of Lindsay telling us that she’s done with partying because she’s done it all, and then segues into Lindsay filming herself for the reality show docu-series as she sits in her wacky black hat, chain smokes and cries for no apparent reasons. You just know this episode is going to be full of the crazy.

Speaking of crazy, Dina Lohan is visiting because she’s writing her autobiography and she is there to interview Lindsay and … oh wait, no … Dina isn’t writing it because that would mean setting down the chardonnay, but she has brought along her ghostwriter Pamela Marin to interview Lindsay for the book.

Sidenote: As Dina talks to Marin, she quickly points to the cameras to tell Marian the cameras are always on, but then I recall Drunken Dina’s interview on Dr. Phil where she continually asked, in that drunken haze of hers, how to tell if the cameras are running. Dina? Liar liar.

Meanwhile, as usual, it’s late morning and Lindsay's in her room, possibly coming to; Dina knocks and Lindsay commands her to get out, and so we wait until Lindsay is fully coherent and made-up and dressed and presentable. Finally she comes out to chain smoke and talk with Dina and Pamela Marin:

"Do you feel like you grew up in a broken home?"

"It was always very up and down," says Lindsay. "Yeah, it was really rocky."

I guess because daddy was off for days on end, and then getting arrested, and Mama Dina was stuck inside a bottle, and not like Jeannie.

But then Lindsay goes on to talk about leaving home at 18 to move to LA — and Dina, of course, interjects that she didn’t want Lindsay to go because Dina is still trying to play the part of decent mother — and she says there were times when she saw her dad doing drugs in his hotel, and times when her mom was coming to visit and then she just wouldn’t show up.

Such lovely parents, eh?

Luckily, that section of the show, where Crazy Drunk Dina pretends to be Caring and Loving Mom Dina is over and we quickly settle into this episode where everything goes wrong and none of it, none of it, is Lindsay’s fault. Dammit.

Lindsay has agreed to appear at the Foxwoods Casino Halloween party for a fee of $100,000 along with her co-host, boxer Floyd Mayweather, Jr. Her contact states that she will walk the red carpet and appear at the party from 10PM to 12AM and judge a costume contest. Wow, 100K for 2 hours work? What could be better?

Oh yeah ... One hundred grand for thirty-eight minutes work.

Lindsay arrives late at the casino and heads to her suite where she’ll douse herself with fake blood because she’s Carrie. She laughs and jokes in the room with her brother, the sadly named Michael Lohan Jr. — seriously, I’d change my name if I was named after Michael Lohan.

At 11:12PM — already over an hour late, Lindsay heads to Mayweather’s room to find him decked out as Freddy Krueger. The duo head downstairs where Lindsay practically dashes down the red carpet and enter the party. Lindsay tells us she’s nervous about being in a room where they are serving alcohol but, you know, one hundred thousand dollars makes it okay.

Lindsay and Floyd judge the contest and Lindsay is outta there by 12AM. The next day all the rags and some of the blogs — like this one — pointed out that Lindsay didn’t exactly do what she was contracted to do; the story emerges that Foxwoods wants their money back, though, after speaking with Lohan’s people, decide to let the issue go.

Though I doubt Lohan will ever be asked back.

Next up in the Lindsay Lohan It’s Not My Fault Tour is a scheduled fashion shoot for Elle Indonesia—sidenote: is that like Elle Smallville?

Anindita ‘Dita’ Saryuf, fashion director for the magazine, seems pleased to have Lindsay scheduled because, ahem, "She's a great actress and she's having, like, a comeback. Everybody deserves a second chance."

The shoot is scheduled at 1PM, and the photographer, Eric Silverberg, the makeup team, the stylists and the staff from Elle Indonesia is waiting, but Lohan’s people called the night before and said Lindsay was working the night before and won’t arrive until 1:30PM.

Cut to Assistant Matt — or as I will now call him AssMatt the Enabler — saying Lindsay was working the night before but he will not say what she was working on :::eight ball::: and only that she’s now  ready to shoot for Elle.

Except she isn't ready; and she isn';t coming.

At 3PM, no Lohan, and Dita and Silverberg are starting to worry about the light — Eric Silverberg only shoots in natural light and that’s what he was hired to do. Nearing 4PM and still no Lohan, one of her “people” comes by to ask if Lindsay can reschedule for Sunday because she, you know, “worked “ the night before and she’s sleeping. 

Dita calls her boss and, in her native tongue, you hear her say, “That bitch. That bitch. That bitch Lindsay.” I'm now convinced that Dita is not so keen on second chances any longer. As least not for Lohan.

In her confessional, Lindsay blames her absence on being a night person: "My biggest challenge at this moment is I'm such a night person. I'm on a night schedule."

And then to make it better, or worse, she tells the story of being a little girl and waiting up all night for her daddy to come home, thereby blaming her tardiness on Michael Lohan because, you know, it’s not her fault. And it isn't because she was hanging out with friends all night; she once again reminds us that she can stay up all night and got to clubs and it’s okay if they drink because she just likes to talk and smoke and dance all night. Ah, now I get it, she was “working.”

On the morning of her rescheduled Elle shoot, Lindsay is at home filming four Russian male friends playing a game of ‘Dare; one friend is dared into getting his ear pierced with a knife. Apparently, since this little snippet of Lohan footage was taken by Lohan t 7:21 AM, she and her friends have been up all night.

To her credit, she does arrive on time for the shoot but makes a point to tell us that she is not getting paid for this so, probably, it’s okay to waste people’s time and come to work looking like she’s been “rode hard and put away wet.” She also complains that the whole shoot feels rushed but I guess she forgot about day one when she didn’t show up and the whole team of stylists and makeup people and photographers and Elle staff had to reschedule.

After five wardrobe changes, they lose the natural light and because Lindsay knows best, she tells Silverberg to shoot her on the street … if only. I thought, if only. And I found that request both odd and stupid and also Totally Lindsay because she’d been complaining during the entire shoot that paparazzi were outside the building taking pictures of her through the windows so why would she want to go outside?

Oh, yeah, drama and chaos and It’s Not Her Fault.

So, outside, a paparazzo — just the one it seemed — shows up and Lindsay freaks out, yelling at AssMatt the Enabler to take the guy's “f**king” camera while she jumps in a car and demands that the driver run the red light and get her away.

AssMatt the Enabler, meanwhile, is trying to get the photographer to give him the camera, and offers a thousand dollars; the guy balks and demands ten thousand. AssMatt the Enabler later tells us that the film is blurry and worth nothing but an hour or so his time running the streets of NYC and maybe a thousand bucks.

So, naturally, this one day Elle shoot is far from over; this scheduled-for-one-afternoon shoot has now taken three days and will resume at Lindsay’s apartment because she feels safe there.

Of course, it scheduled for 1PM to get that natural light and of course Lindsay isn’t ready for her close-ups until 4PM so all the natural light is gone. Luckily, the film crew for the reality show docu-series offers their lights and the whole crew moves outside to Lindsay’s terrace. And, also of course, since the shoot has gone on for three separate days now, the designer who lent the clothes has asked for them back so Lindsay will be rummaging through her closets for something to wear. She will also snap at Silverberg when he suggests she stand a certain way and then will, mid-shot, run off to change her clothes again.

And then, at the height of complete delusional wackness, Lindsay tells us that she deserves to be credited as a stylist on all her shoots because she does the majority of the styling and it’s not her fault she ‘s late or scared or not ready or anything.

Outside, Eric Silberberg is asked how Lindsay compares to other celebrities he’s photographed and he asks, “Do you want the truth, or no?”

He’s asked for the truth, and he just smiles and walks out of camera range.

Back inside, Lindsay and her friends ready themselves to go out. One of her “friends” tells us that it’s okay not to drink, and it’s okay to surround yourself with people who don’t drink. Then he tells us that, while he went to rehab three years ago, he hasn’t been sober this whole time; he still slips with drinking and …

Lindsay appears and off they go, sober friends.

Next week the final two episodes are crushed into one because the ratings are so bad for Lindsay — go figure — that I guess Oprah wants this shiz over and done with as soon as possible.

MY TAKE

When Lindsay did her interview with Oprah before filming, I was impressed by her; she seemed actually ready to commit to sobriety and to make her career work again.

Now, not so much. She is a spoiled self-indulgent little brat who wastes other people’s time and money, and paints herself as the victim in all this madness. She is the product of a family that cared less about each other than they did about themselves, but, at twenty-seven, she’s well past the poor little girl routine.

If she was hoping this reality show docu-series would help reboot her career, all one needs to do is see how much time she wastes and how little she cares about anyone other than herself and her idiot friends and her career will stay in the dustbin where it belongs.

Lindsay Ep 5: Do Not Disturb

This week show is about how Lindsay wants a job because she thinks working keeps her sane and sober. M’kay. Ask the producer of Georgia Rule who wrote an open letter to the LA papers about Lohan’s antics while she was working for him. Or, ask Paul Schrader who sat down for an interview and talked about Crazy Lohan when she worked for him on The Canyons.

Get the picture? Work does not keep her sane.

As the show starts we hear Lindsay whining to her friend and life coach, AJ, about how no one is working to get her any roles, but that she is doing all the work and these other people take her money; she says she’s trying to get a role in producer Randall Emmett’s next film Inconceivable because no one else wants to see her.

Wondering why? Read that first paragraph: it’s Lohan’s reputation, not lazy agents who are keeping the phone from ringing.

AJ says, "Lindsay is riddled with fear. She desperately is an artist at heart ... and to not be able to express that in a way she's known for and loves, it's imprisoning."

Lindsay, in her own words, says, "People don't want to hire me because I'm a flight risk."

Um, duh. So maybe take a little responsibility and accountability for your actions, eh? Oh, silly readers, not this episode, and not this Lohan.

But Lindsay does get a call from a Sony executive, DeVon Franklin, which was set up for her by her friend AJ, and after the conversation, Lindsay says they prayed together and then she cries and AJ cries, and Mama Dina sets down her chardonnay and cries.

This DeVon Franklin could be the one to get Hollywood thinking Lindsay Lohan is the next best thing since Little Lindsay Lohan. But we’ve better things to do because, while the apartment is still crammed floor to ceiling with Lindsay’s clothes and shoes, glasses and bags, her furniture is set to arrive today and floor space has to be cleared.

So, Lindsay decides to sell some of her clothes, and luckily enough she lives right above a high-end consignment shop that will take on some of her more gently used, and hopefully clean, clothes. First Assistant Matt Harrell takes boxes to the shop for her, but when Lindsay, Dina and AJ come down, all Lindsay wants to do is shop there, for more clothes. And she ends up owing the store money because she spent more than the clothes she sold them were worth.

That’s smart money management. Make room, take up room; make money, spend money.

And before you can say Hoarders, a truck arrives with more of Lindsay's belongings, mostly furniture, but also a lot of clothes. Matt is organizing it all, as Lindsay is upstairs, not on camera, asleep. Matt goes through boxes, asks where the furniture is, and sets aside more spots for clothes until he receives a text from  Lindsay — from her room down the hall­ — asking that the camera crews leave. Matt tells director Amy Rice to "pull everyone out" of the apartment. "Now."

Lindsay finally gets up, and finally allows a camera back inside as she and her houseguest and friend — though she’s quick to say, not a boyfriend — model Liam Dean look at all her stuff, and Lindsay pouts because a white couch isn’t there among the 20+ boxes that have arrived.

And so she asks that the new boxes of clothes be sent back downstairs and back onto the truck because she wants her couches; and some bedding. And she sends Matt to go ask the movers if there's a box of bedding in the truck, which is now all packed up again and headed back to storage before it ends up in Dina’s garage; the movers say they will not unload the entire truck again just to find a fitted sheet.

Snap.

AJ, while this kerfuffle is going on, sets up a little sitting area and lights candles because nothing says serene like scented candles and a leather chaise in a room full of moving boxes. And that sparks a conversation about why Lindsay sleeps, or stays in her room, so late; she says she’s meditating, trying to find some inner peace, and has the balls, and they have to be some big balls, to say this to AJ:

"When I'm left to my own devices ... I do the right things on my own. It's when I feel judged and have other voices coming in ... I feel pressure."

Uh huh. But AJ ain’t playing and she confronts Lindsay with the news that Dina has told AJ that Lindsay had been drinking at dinner one night and let’s stop …

 Drunken DUI Dina Loahn throws her own daughter under the Alcohol Bus on a show that is supposed to show us Lindsay’s battle to stay sober? Way to stay classy, Dina; maybe now you can talk about the time you were coked up in the limo and got into a fight with your daughter?

Back to our regularly scheduled car wreck … Even while admitting there was wine in the apartment — and keeping in mind that Second Assistant Hollie was fired last week for just drinking around Lindsay — Lohan gets all pissy:

"I was not drinking, and this is something I don't feel comfortable discussing on camera. I thought you, of all people, as a friend, would tell me that in private. ... I would have appreciated if you would have told me one-on-one first."

"You mad at me?" A.J. asks.

"No, I'm not mad," Lindsay says with that crooked Lohan grin.

And the next day, Lindsay heads out to LA, where she will stay with AJ and take a meeting with DeVon Franklin that AJ set up. But, true to form,  Lindsay doesn’t speak to AJ the entire week — she says she just turned her phone off ... Lindsay Lohan turned off her phone — and she oversleeps for the 12:30 PM meeting she had planned with Franklin.

And the tabloids had a field day while Lindsay was in LA with a photo of her where she seems to be reaching for a bottle. Not true, Lohan snaps! She says she was running late to catch her flight and she was reaching for her bag that was right next to the bottle.

Uh huh. Except that Lohan does admit that a month earlier, when she’d been out of rehab about three weeks, she had wine with dinner, but it was only because a guy she was dating that maybe she shouldn’t have been dating was drinking and so it’s all his fault. Right?

Back in New York, Lindsay finally meets AJ for dessert, and AJ ain’t happy Lindsay blew off her friend. She tries to get Lindsay to talk about her trip, what she did, who she saw, anyone new, but Lindsay smiles that crooked smile and bolts outside for a cigarette and a chance to complaining to Mat that AJ is always pushing.

"This is my first experience with her in blowing me off," A.J. says "That's gotta stop."

But it doesn’t; the next day Lindsay refuses to meet with AJ and AJ, like sober coach Michael Cormier, is out.

Lindsay, sitting on her leather chaise, surrounded by AJ’s scented candles, can only say, "She was a guiding light. And I felt like she maybe disrespected me by asking me things on camera. All in all, she was a blessing in disguise."

And pushed out.

Next week: all hell breaks loose.

Lindsay Ep 4: Pole Dancing Is Not Community Service

When we last left Lindsay and Lindsay Lohan, she had been told by the Great and Powerful O, to cut the “bullshit” and don’t “fuck it up.”

Who does O think she is, RuPaul. Because gurrrrrrrl …. Anyway, after her cuss-out of Lohan the younger, O sat down for a chat with Dina who nearly peed herself because Oprah Winfrey was in her house. But O ignores that and instantly questions Dina on her parenting skills and choices … She asked if Dina had any regrets about letting her 19-year-old daughter, who was making about $7 million a movie, head out to LA and live by herself.

Naturally, Dina, her eyes darting hither and yon, deflecting as usual, said no. She was a single mother :::sniff::: she had three other children to pimp out raise :::sniff::: plus Lindsay was sending big checks back to Dina’s Long island manse :::sniff::: And Lindsay was dating a club manager and that’s bad news and she had friends who were bad news and she was appearing all over magazines drunk and panties-less in public, crashing cars, carrying cocaine,, but you know, Dina had other things to worry about.

And as they talked about Lindsay's downward spiral into drug and alcohol addiction, Dina dabbed her eyes, wiping away tears that weren’t really there. But she just knows, she knows, that Lindsay will turn it around this time.

And the Oscar goes to ….

But then O calls Granny Lohan into the room, who can only say that Lindsay is beautiful and should have won an Oscar for The Parent Trap.

Oh, it’s a tie for the Best Actress Oscar, Mama and Granny Lohan!

Luckily, O’s had enough of the Lohan clan and she is hoisted back into her SUV and whisked away; in the very next instant, Lindsay is fleeing Chez Dina, sliding into her SUV and saying, throatily, “Let’s get outta here.

And so we return to the apartment that Oprah is paying for — well, the production company that O hired to shoot this reality show docu-series is paying for — and we find the place littered, LITTERED, with clothes. And we find Assistant Two, Hollie, struggling to put together the clothes racks and hangers that the production company has paid for so Lindsay can have all her things with her.

And while this is going on, actress and celebrity well-being “expert” AJ Johnson has arrived with eight or nine bags of groceries to make a small breakfast for Lindsay because Lindsay cannot hang up her own clothes or cook for herself. It’s 10AM and Lindsay’s sleeping. First Assistant Matt heads in to wake her up because, you know, Lindsay cannot wake herself up. nor can she handle the parking tickets she gets because she leaves her car, possibly paid for by the production company, on the street all night; she's under the assumption that if you leave the first ticket on the car all night, she'll be fine. Matt assures her that is not the case, but he'll pay the tickets so Lindsay can .... can ....

Get out of bed. Finally, La Lohan appears and talks about how she needs a routine because a routine will keep her on the straight, er, sober and narrow, and yet she seems to feed on no routine whatsoever, except that Matt is happily running the show again as Solo Assistant Matt because he’s fired Brit Hollie for drinking wine in front of Lindsay. Of course, we have no footage of that, or of the firing, or of Hollie leaving so …. Yeah.

So, in an effort to get healthy, stay healthy, and sober, and take control of her life, Lindsay takes a pole dancing class. I guess that downward spiral might end at stripper? Which might well happen, because sober coach Michael is winding up his thirty days of “helping” Lindsay use the tools she learned at her seventh rehab stint and have a fabulously sober and non-chaotic life!

And with that Lindsay gets whisked off to do a sketch on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon. It appeared to be a cheesy rip-off of some SNL valley girl skit from the 80s, with the au currant Miley Cyrus reference. It was high-larious … I kid.

And then, because Lindsay needs to balance out her fabulous return to the screen, a la Fallon, she next heads to the Duffield Children’s Center  in Brooklyn to complete her thirty days of court-ordered community service. Now, I’ll stop and give her props because she was really fun with the kids, and playful with the kids, but did she have to go dressed as a hooker. Seriously, I think one of the kids asked if Lindsay ever worked her block.

And, naturally, she complained about her other stints at community service — most notably her time at the LA morgue — because it wasn’t fun, and she wasn’t giving back and there were dead people there and it was more of a punishment. 

Hmmm, wonder if that’s why it’s court-ordered community service?

But this day was fun and she was hugged by the kids as she leaves and the director of the center seems genuinely pleased with how Lindsay worked with the kids. However, as soon as her time was done, after Lindsay says she cannot wait to come back, she turns away quickly, runs to her car, while saying, “I’ll keep in touch.”

Um, LiLo? This isn’t a friend you might call later in the week for lunch. Again, this is court-ordered community service, so, yeah, you’ll keep in touch and be there, right? Right? Hello?

Once more at home, Lindsay and AJ create a Life and Career board for Lindsay to set goals, the first of which is being back onset because that’s where she belongs, where she feels most comfortable, and happy, and is not at all a troublemaker; unless you check out her recent appearance on Two Broke Girls or Glee or what Paul Schrader had to say about her antics on The Canyons or the messes she made all over LA — the car crash and the walking out on a hotel bill and the ER rush — during the filming of the craptastic Liz and Dick. Yeah, working is what keeps her sober.

Lindsay says she wanted a role in The Avengers, but her manager didn't push for her and they "went with an unknown" for the part. She says she’s the only one who works to get her roles, and that very few agents and production companies want to see her at all. See last paragraph for the myriad of reasons why, though don’t bother looking for one place where Lindsay says any of it is her fault.

It’s her manager, and her agent, and, apparently, Penelope Cruz who gets in the way.

And it’s right there that AJ suggest that maybe Lindsay might have some responsibility in this, and Lindsay gives her that, “Butch pleased, I’m Lindsay Lohan” look. Still, AJ convinces her that maybe if she finishes this reality show docu-series and shows up and isn’t late and isn’t a total mess, maybe, just maybe, some producer will decide she’s ready for her close-up again.

If not, there’s always the pole.

Or a dental emergency. One of her veneers came off because she got “weirdly hungry” and ate, and she needs it fixed but her LA dentist always sedates her — with Valium and propofol and assorted other drugs — when she has work done and she wants sedation this time, too; even when asked if it might be detrimental to her sobriety, she wants sedation because, you know, it wears off, like an eight-ball wears off.

Which nicely segues into a shot of a newspaper article about Lindsay being out in the clubs, and an explanation that Lindsay likes the night  life, she loves to boogie, on the disco-go-round, and she can do all that and hang out in bars with people who drink and not be tempted at all, well, maybe  a little,.

But, um, wasn’t Hollie just booted for drinking in front of LiLo? Apparently that was different because it wasn’t in a club at 4AM.

And finally, we end, with Lindsay doing yoga while her sober coach, Michael, packs his bags to go back to LA. With cameras on him, Michael is asked if Lindsay is still sober, and he cannot answer; he breathes in and out, and hems and haws, and finishes by saying he won’t discuss Lindsay’s sobriety.

Makes you wonder, though, that if she was sober, he’d very clearly say 'Yes.'

Next week: The rest of Lindsay's "stuff" comes to clutter the apartment ... Dina throws Lindsay under the Chardonnay Bus ... Lindsay cops to drinking. 

Do I hafta get Oprah back out there?