I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

Why do celebrities think they need to share everything with us? Seriously, do we need to know Gwynnie steams her cooch? Do we need to know Soleil Moon Frye’s first “consensual” sexual experience was when she was eighteen and she was boned by … wait for it … get a HazMat suit ready … it’s the height of ick … Charlie Sheen.

Soleil shared a journal entry dated December 18, 1994:

“It’s been the most strange and incredible day ever. He’s somebody I’ve had a crush on for years. He’s a person that intrigues me and excites me.”

And then she calls Sheen her “Mr. Big.” Like I said, Ick.

Soleil is aware of Corey Feldman’s sexual assault allegations against Charlie, but says she doesn’t know anything about that, and can only speak to her own experience. She also talks about experiencing her own sexual assault by an unnamed man when she was 17—hence the clarification that Sheen was her first consensual sexual encounter.

Look, everyone’s experience is different, but I don’t know that I’d air out the idea that I let Charlie Sheen’s dick anywhere near me.

That’s all.

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Kim Kardastrophe and Kanye West are now doing to each other what I have been begging them to do to all of us for years.

They have stopped speaking to each other.

Lucky them. If we could only get them to divorce America we might never hear from them again.

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And then we have Jennifer Lopez and Alex Rodriguez who have ALLEGEDLY broken up in the wake of his scandal with Southern Charm “star” Madison LeCroy. You see, last January, Twitter was set ablaze with rumors after the Southern Charm reunion special exposed ALLEGATIONS of infidelity involving an “ex-MLB star” and Southern Charm cast-member, and manhunter, Madison LeCroy, who admitted to FaceTiming A-Rod, but maintained the two had never Facetimed in person. LeCroy demurred:

“He’s never physically cheated on his fiancée with me.”

Physically? And so, JLo was embarrassed by that rumor—and yet, oddly, she’s never been embarrassed by her singing or her acting—and split from A-Rod. Or did she?

Jennifer Lopez and Alex Rodriguez are now saying reports of their demise as a couple have been greatly exaggerated—well, maybe not so greatly—because while there might be trouble in their made-for-social-media relationship, they are still fighting to stay together.

A source claims they haven’t been together because:

“She’s working in the Dominican Republic and he’s in Miami so it’s tough seeing each other especially with quarantining and COVID, but they want to try to stay together.”

Yeah, I buy that except for the fact that they have each posted lovey-dovey Instagram stories from various vacation spots, and daily pap strolls to the gym and out to dinner and such, all during the pandemic.

Look, they’re over. He has a wandering peen and she can’t seem to keep a man… possibly because she picks men with wandering peens.

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Drew Barrymore has a talk show so we are learning all sorts of things about her in a thirsty attempt to score more viewers.

She’s done with marriage! Until she does it again.

She’s done with drugs! She’s been saying that for years.

And she’s done with acting! Or, more likely, acting is done with her.

All of these things, however, are subject to change, but you aren’t allowed to remember that Drew said them.

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To prove my point about JLo, rumor has it that she has already scrubbed A-Rod from her life, and most importantly her social media, and set her sights on one Lenny Kravitz.

See, Kravitz has joined the cast of JLo’s upcoming film Shotgun Wedding and has ALLEGEDLY made quite an impression on his co-star. And we know this is true because JLo asked Kravitz to give her daughter guitar lessons and then posted a seductive video of herself dancing on the balcony of her hotel suite to the tune of Kravitz’s chart-topping hit “Fly Away.”

A not-so-subtle message to A-Rod and the world.

Still, I had higher expectations of Lenny Kravitz.

UPDATE: After telling us that she’s in the DR and he’s in Miami and with COVID they aren’t traveling, A-Rod flew to the DR to see JLo and perhaps put the kibosh on the rumors, or beg her forgiveness for being a cheating punk while she begs his forgiveness for moving on so quickly.

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I Ain't One To Gossip But .....

Hayden Panettiere has been having a rough few years. She had a child with world heavyweight boxing champion Wladimir Klitschko before they split, and he has custody of a child they share.

Then she began a horrifically abusive relationship with Brian Hickerson for about a year until a judge issued a restraining order on Hayden’s behalf against him following his arrest on May 2 for assaulting Panettiere; police had answered four different calls to their home for domestic violence.

So, Hayden and Brian are done, but might still have a connection because now it appears that Panettiere is dating Brian’s brother, Zach, with whom she’s been seen out and about holding hands.

Now, maybe it’s nothing, but why in the world would you walk through the streets of New York holding hands with the brother of a man who has assaulted you several times, has been ordered to stay away from you, and has been prohibited from owning firearms?

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Now that she’s on Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, Denise Richards really needs to bring the drama if she wants to stay relevant so … cue yet another fight with ex-husband Charlie Sheen over child support.

Last year Charlie was rumored to be flat-broke and claiming he couldn’t afford the $20,000 a month Denise was getting for their two daughters, but Denise is now saying that’s a lie so he can hide his coins from her.

And she wants a new payday. Denise’s legal people are asking a judge to force Charlie into paying some back child support, saying:

“[Charlie] has squandered over $24,000,000 from the sale in his interest in ‘Two and a Half Men’ to pay his personal debts and to support his extravagant lifestyle at the expense of support payments for his children … During the time frame since our last stipulation/order in 2016 he has failed to pay $450,000 in support while diverting over $600,000 in assets to adult family members and converting thousands of dollars into cash for his own personal use.”

Of course, Charlie Sheen is denying the whole thing in his own unique way:

“D and her legal posse traffic only in fiction. My day in court is painfully overdue. She is behaving like a coward and the truth will prevail.”

I see a very special courtroom episode for the next season of RHoBH.

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So, Jennifer Lopez has a new movie opening where she plays a stripper—I’m thinking it’s called the Jennifer Lopez Story or something.

Anyway … she plays a stripper seeking vengeance against some rich customers and because of that “female empowerment” angle, some folks on social media are now saying that … wait for it … it’s really rich … JLo will get an Oscar nomination.

Seriously? JLo on a pole is Oscar-worthy?

Be afraid, JLo, of walking downstairs ahead of Elizabeth Berkley, who was robbed of an Oscar nod for Showgirls.

Amirite?

Sidenote: there should be an award for how she keeps her face from moving.

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When famous people divorce, you always get that obligatory “irreconcilable differences” line and the plea for privacy during their difficult time.

Not so, in the case of Family Values High Priestess Sarah Plain, whose husband Todd filed for divorce after 31 years of marriage and dragged his soon-to-be-ex through the mud in his filing.

In court documents Todd Plain asked to dissolve the marriage citing an “incompatibility of temperament between the parties such that they find it impossible to live together as husband and wife.”

In other words, he cannot stand to be in the same room as his wife.

What took you so long Todd?

PS Once you get that Silkwood scrubdown to remove every trace of Mama Grizzly Bore™ from you, gimme a call. You’re kinda hot.

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How I missed this Kardastrophe catastrophe I do not know, but apparently Mister Kim Kardastrophe—Kanye, I believe is his name—was building a low-income housing project that looked a little like Luke Luke Skywalker’s domed desert house on Tatooine in the backyard of his Calabasas home and never got a permit.

Permit? He’s a Kardastrophe, people!

Well, the neighbors saw Kanye Town going up in the backyard and instantly alerted the authorities who put the kibosh on the build after realizing that all the structures in Kanye’s backyard were permanent, and not prototypes—which is what he claimed they were. They gave Kanye until September 15th to come up with the proper permits, but I guess they made him pissy because all of the structures have been destroyed.

Too bad, Kanye Town might have been a good amusement park … The Ego-Tilt-a-Whirl … The Off Your Meds Roller Coaster … The House of Mirrors that makes your ass look enormous.

Could’a been huge.

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It's Snarkurday!

As soon as she breaks up a marriage—including her own—Miranda Lambert moves on to the next target.

Last February, Miranda Lambert met Evan Felker, the lead singer of the Turnpike Troubadours. Felker was married to Staci Felker at the time but within days of meeting Miranda, he ghosted his wife, filed for divorce and began dating Miranda officially.

Last week Staci and Evan’s divorce was finalized and this week Miranda is officially done with Evan. Felker’s band, the Turnpike Troubadours, have dropped out of their final performances of Lambert’s The Bandwagon Tour while she revealed she is “happily single” in a recent interview.

“Love is a hard road sometimes and it’s been a roller-coaster ride for me, but I’m definitely thankful for all the ups and downs because I’ve had some really good songs come out of it. You’ve got to take the bad parts and put them on paper and then move on to the happy parts.”

Apparently, she only dates married men while they’re married so she can get some good songs out of it.

Who does she think she is, Taylor Swift?

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Only in Hollywood … TMZ has apparently scooped everyone from Megyn to Barbara to Diane and has scored an interview with Brandon Johnson who claims he was Demi Lovato’s drug dealer.

Seriously; a drug dealer who sells illegal drugs and tells:

“It was a flirty friendship but nothing more, it kind of grew into a … sexual friendship … She texted me at 4 o’clock in the morning, um, because she’s a girl and she wanted to kick it, I mean why else does any other girl text another guy at 4 o’clock in the morning to come over?”

Um, because you’re a drug dealer and she wanted to score? Ass.

I bet everyone in the trailer park back in your hometown of Cousinfucker, Oklahoma, was tickled pink when your mug appeared on TV:

“Look, errybody, Brandon’s on the TV dealin’ drugs! Swimmin’ pools and movie stars … “

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Well, Mel B has finally concluded her messy divorce from Stephen Belafonte and, as anyone might do, is off on vacation to get away from it all.

Oh? Not vacation, you say, but rehab? Uh huh.

B says she’s entering a therapy-based rehab center in the UK to deal with alcohol issues and sex addiction and says she’ll be out in just a couple of weeks because her problems are with booze and sex but are part of a much larger issue that she calls PTSD:

“I have recently been diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder. I don’t want to jinx it, but so far it’s really helping me. I am still struggling but if I can shine a light on the issue of pain, PTSD and the things men and women do to mask it, I will do. I am speaking about this because this is a huge issue for so many people.”

During the divorce, Stephen accused her of regularly having threesomes and having alcohol and cocaine addictions; she says there were no threesomes but says Stephen kept her drugged during their marriage.

Uh huh. Along with PTSD, Mel says she’s also dealing with being “financially battered” at paying child and spousal support to her ex-husband.

So, let’s break it down: during the divorce her husband claims she was into group sex, booze and drugs, and then she says she’s going to rehab for booze and sex, but says her rehab has nothing to do with booze and sex.

Oh, Mel, the first step is admitting you have a problem …

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It looks like Charlie Sheen has not only found a way to pay his child and spousal support, but he appears to have set his return to television … on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.

No, not as a housewife, but as the unemployed actor-addict ex-husband of Denise Richards who is joing the cats of the Bravo show. Sheen told paparazzi:

“It’s not been confirmed [but] if they’re rolling and I pull up to drop off one of the girls, then I’ll be on it.”

Bravo has no comment because they threw up in their mouths a little.

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Heather Locklear’s Year of Discontent is not yet winding down.

After months of arrests and stints in rehab and threats to police officer, Locklear has been charged with one misdemeanor count of interfering with a law enforcement officer and two counts of misdemeanor battery for ALLEGEDLY attacking a police officer and an EMT.

Locklear was arrested last February for felony domestic violence and battery on a police officer who responded to calls about Locklear attacking her boyfriend at her home; she was charged with five criminal counts in that case, but was not charged with hitting her boyfriend despite being arrested for the offense.

In June, Locklear was hospitalized and placed on a 5150 psychiatric hold after she ALLEGEDLY choked her father and struck her mother.

Locklear has had issues with substance abuse in the past and most recently entered rehab last year. She was arrested previously in 2008 on suspicion of driving under the influence.

Hopefully, rather than giving her a slap on the wrist, she’ll face some kind of jail time and get her act together.

William Shatner and Joan Collins are not happy with their TV daughter these days.

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It's Snarkurday!

Ouch! When Fadi Fawaz found out that he didn’t make it into his late boyfriend George Michael’s will, he went on a Twitter tear, saying:

“George I hate you.”

He then Tweeted, again, on how George died, speculating, again, that it was a suicide.

Nice. Your love has died, and didn’t leave you anything in the will—George’s cousin Andros Georgiou says the estate was divided up between charities, his sisters, and a couple of his housekeepers—and this is how you act?

Maybe George knew that and that’s why you got zip, zilch, nada.

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In I Need A Silkwood Scrub-Down news … last week Kelsey Grammer appeared on Conan and talked about his tattoo … located just above his old man junk because nothing is cooler than grandpa with a dick tat.

And the tattoo is the name of his fourth wife, Kayte Walsh, who apparently demanded the ink:

“I think it was more, sort of, an ownership thing. My wife said, ‘Why don’t you get a tattoo?’… I guess, maybe, it was based on the idea if ever, I thought maybe a peccadillo outside the marriage, was a good idea. Whoever it might be, would read that this particular piece of equipment was already signed for, and owned, by someone named Kayte.”

Seriously. If Kayte thinks a tattoo will stop Kelsey Grammer, who cheated on his third wife with his fourth wife, from cheating, she needs one on her forehead that reads:

“Vacant.”

Just sayin’.

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We never hear from Charlie Sheen unless he’s pulled a knife on someone or crawled back to rehab or claims he’s too broke to pay his bills.

Ding.Ding.Ding. It’s that last one! Sheen is once again ALLEGING that he is too poor to handle paying child support to both his exes, Denise Richards and Brooke Mueller. He has filed a request with the court system asking to have his child support adjusted because his finances are no longer in the tens of millions and he can’t afford his kids:

“I have been unable to find steady work, and have been blacklisted from many aspects of the entertainment industry.” 

To be fair, as fair as one can be with Sheen, he pays first ex-0wife Denise some $20,000 a month for their two girls, and gives Brooker Mueller about $55,000 a month for their two boys.

I guess boys cost more?

Charlie says he has less than $10 million in the bank … oh the pain … do you need food stamps? Or, better yet, go get a job washing cars, being a pimp, making mochas.

I mean, that’s what a judge might tell any deadbeat dad, much less one with 10 million in the bank.

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Kim Kardastrophe. Plastic surgery addicted homophobe.

It’s true; Tyson Beckford saw a photo of Kim online and suggested that her plastic surgeon biffed her right hip, and then said he’s did not care for women who had plastic surgery. Now, that’s not nice, even if it’s directed at media whore Kim Kardastrophe who just said a few weeks ago that she was easing up on her social media posts and then tripled her posts.

But I digress. Kim saw Tyson’s response and she said:

“Sis we all know why you don’t care for it.”

Media whore. Plastic surgery addict. Homophobe.

Oh, and let’s not forget that this same week, she cheered and when her family said she was so thin that she looked anorexic because, you know, anorexia is a diet.

This bitch.

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Oh Britney Spears … stop talking. Stop “singing” too, for that matter. This past week, while performing onstage at Brighton Pride, BritBrit forgot where she was and turned to a backup dancer to ask:

“Where are we?”

The dancer replied:

“Brighton Pride bitch.” 

Okay, maybe that last word was just me, but then BritBrit shrieked:

“What’s up Brighton Pride!”

Oy.

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Oh, incest is good for a laugh, no?

Former Kardastrophe wannabe—she’s Rob Kardastrophe’s ex—Blac Chyna has a new, eleven years younger boyfriend, rapper YBN Almighty Jay, who recently posted to Instagram that he is Blac’s “oldest son.”

Cuz, you know, incest is a joke.

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More Kardastrophe news? Too bad, you’re getting it anyway …

On a recent episode of Keeping Up With The Kardastrophe’s one Khloé Kardastrophe spurted out some really stupid shiz from that mammoth mouth of hers:

"I was pregnant during this entire season of KUWTK. Some women get “pregnancy lips”. I was one of them. So my lips look crazy and massive. Trust me. I know and I hated it. A lot of wild sh*t happens to your body and face while pregnant. It’s out of our control. Most people don’t have to film during an entire pregnancy so just watch the show and be kind about growing body and lips. Pregnant women should be off limits.”

Siddown.  Cuz if you hated your fat lips, then why all the Instagram photos of you and your lips? Not the baby bump, but the ginormous lips?

Be honest, you took the fat from Kim’s ass and Kanye’s head and injected it in your lips.

Okurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

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Add Kathleen Turner to the list of people who give no f**ks … right alongside one Miss Patti LuPone.

Turner gave an interview in which she tore into everyone from Elizabeth Taylor, Nicolas Cage, Burt Reynolds, the Friends cast, ____, and Hollywood.

She starts off with saying Taylor was all wrong for the role in Cat on a Hot Tin Roof and Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf? —roles Turner took to Broadway:

“[Taylor] has a bad voice, badly used. In any case, people are after me all the time to do Sweet Bird of Youth, and I’m like, ‘Enough Taylor shit!’”

Then comes Cage and that weird voice he did in Peggy Sue Got Married:

“It was tough to not say, ‘Cut it out.’ But it wasn’t my job to say to another actor what he should or shouldn’t do. So I went to [director] Francis [Ford Coppola]. I asked him, ‘You approved this choice?’ It was very touchy. He [Nicolas Cage] was very difficult on set. But the director allowed what Nicolas wanted to do with his role, so I wasn’t in a position to do much except play with what I’d been given. If anything, it [Cage’s portrayal] only further illustrated my character’s disillusionment with the past. The way I saw it was, yeah, he was that asshole.”

Next up, Burt Reynolds:

“Working with Burt Reynolds was terrible. The first day Burt came in he made me cry. He said something about not taking second place to a woman. His behavior was shocking. It never occurred to me that I wasn’t someone’s equal.”

And as for that other misogynistic tool, _____:

“He goes to shake your hand and with his index finger kind of rubs the inside of your wrist. He’s trying to do some kind of seductive intimacy move. You pull your hand away and go yuck.”

As for the cats of Friends, where Kathleen played Chandler Bing’s drag queen father; she claims she didn’t exactly get a warm welcome from the cast because they were such a little clique and anybody on the outside really didn’t matter to them. When she was asked about their acting talent, she replied:

“I won’t comment on that.”

And then she gave a little gossip, of the Blind Item Variety.

“I’ll give you an example, but you mustn’t include her name. [Very famous Hollywood actress] has played the same role for 20 years. She even looks pretty much the same. She’s probably one of the richest women out there, but I would shoot myself if I were like that, only giving people what they expect.”

Sounds a little Julia to me.

Gosh, I’d love to sit in the shade and sip some tea with Turner.

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It's Snarkurday!

Everyone knows that hookers and blow are expensive. Well, everyone except Charlie Sheen, apparently.

It seems that Charlie Sheen owes the IRS $4,967,376.41 in taxes from 2015 which is odd, because other than announcing he was HIV-positive, Sheen didn’t work at all in 2915; his old show Anger Management ran from 2012-2014, and his 9/11 movie didn’t bomb until 2017.  I guess maybe his Two and a Half Men residuals offered some mighty coins for him to owe the IRS 5 million.

Of course, Charlie does own a $10 million Beverly Hills manse, that is he could just unload, he could pay off the government and then party like … well … Charlie Sheen.

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It looks like grown-up Drew Barrymore is acting more like child star Drew Barrymore … meaning maybe she needs a rehab vacation.

Barrymore was on Watch What Happens Live recently with her Santa Clarita Diet costar … Husband-In-My-Head … Timothy Olyphant and was obviously drunk. And now it appears that her close friends are worried about her and want her to try rehab again, after her first stint at treatment back when she was just thirteen, an emancipated minor and addicted to drugs and alcohol.

But is she drinking or drugging again? Or, as happens on Watch What Happens Live, where Andy Cohen serves drinks to his guests, was Drew just taken in by the show?

We’ll have to wait and see …

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So, Miranda Lambert is kind of that girl, that husband stealing girl … though, yeah, I know, if a husband didn’t want to be stolen he wouldn’t go. But still, Lambert seems to seek out married men when she’s looking for a new conquest, so, yeah, there’s that.

Lambert ALLEGEDLY got with her current man, country singer Evan Felker, while he was still with his wife Staci and she was still with her post-Blake Shelton boyfriend Anderson East.  Evan and his band became Miranda’s opening act on tour in February, and shortly after joining the tour, he filed for divorce.

A source—Blake or Gwen? —reveals how Miranda and Evan came to be … beginning with texts shortly before his band Turnpike Troubadours joined her tour. At first the texts were professional with Miranda praising Evan’s music and saying she wanted to write songs with him, but then they turned flirty. Evan ALLEGEDLY told Staci about the flirty texts, but, you know, Miranda Lambert; this could mean big coins for the family, so he kept at it.

And then he joined her tour but made a point of calling home to talk with Staci every night … for the first two nights. On the third night it was all ::::crickets::: because he was supposed to fly home, but he didn’t; he told Staci he wouldn’t be home for another week and, well, that turned into d-i-v-o-r-c-e papers on February 16.

And that was the same time that Miranda posted a picture to Instagram of a message she wrote on a mirror:

Well, she’s not playing and clearly doesn’t care, but, as Blake said, karma is a bitch and what goes around …

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Two weeks ago, it was reported that Johnny Depp was dropped by his latest law firm, who ALLEGEDLY labeled him too big of a legal mess to deal with and, well, it seems like they were right.

This week two of Johnny’s former bodyguards Eugene Arreola and Miguel Sanchez have recently filed a lawsuit against Depp, accusing him of not paying wages, not paying overtime, wrongful termination, and unlawful business practices. Eugene and Miguel also ALLEGE that most of their work was spent on keeping Johnny from his, ahem, “vices”:

“Often times Plaintiffs were forced to protect Defendant Depp from himself and his vices while in public, becoming caretakers for him. An incident at a local nightclub involved Plaintiffs alerting Depp of illegal substances visible on his face and person while preventing onlookers from seeing Depp’s condition.”

Seriously? They had to remind Depp to wipe the substances from his face to keep prying eyes and cellphones from noticing?

Eugene and Miguel previously guarded Johnny through Premiere Group International until hired them directly as his in-house security. Now Eugene and Miguel ALLEGE that from May 2016 to January 2018, Johnny never paid them overtime pay, gave them any breaks or meals during their 12-hour shifts, and they also ALLEGE they were often instructed to drive vehicles containing “illegal substances, open containers, and minors” for him.

Miguel also ALLEGES that he was the primary caregiver of Johnny’s son Jack; Miguel also claims he was instructed to “give in to every whim” of Johnny’s kids Jack and Lily-Rose unless he wanted to lose his job.

Eugene and Miguel claim that performing double duty as babysitters and drivers, combined with watching Johnny self-destruct, created a toxic and unsafe work environment, and they were forced to quit.

Sure, between babysitting the kids and babysitting Johnny, and cleaning up messes from all three, including those facial substances, would make anyone quit.

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She may never have married into that family, but Blac Chyna is as much a Kardastrophe as any of them because she’s all, always, and only, about the coins.

It seems that Chyna wants the money Kylie Jenner was paid for her former reality series, Life of Kylie, because Kylie’s show took her time slot on E! when Chyna's series Rob & Chyna was cancelled.

Seriously. Chyna’s show was cancelled because she and rob cancelled their made-for-TV “relationship: and now she thinks she deserves the money from the show that aired in place of her cancelled show?

Like I said, she’s a Kardastrophe… by injection.

Penis injection, if y’all get my drift.

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