Why Is It ...

… that people don’t realize that my emotional baggage is basically the tough life experiences that have made me into the hilariously twisted empathetic sexy fuck that I am today.

… that my morning routine, every morning, is just convincing myself not to go back to bed.

… that people forget that I have quite the ability to multitask … I can listen, ignore and forget all at the same time.

… that if you see me talking to myself, pay me no mind. I’m having a staff meeting.

… that when people tell me to take it down a notch it guarantees a five notch increase; do not ever try to de-notch me.

… that while I am not exactly sure what my spirit animal is, I’m confident it has rabies.

… that I wish I could Google search my own mind … ask it “what are my favorite movies” or “what’s the name of that place with the really good egg rolls.”

… that people need to know that, at this age, if I tell you I do not care, please believe me.

… that I feel the need to toot my own horn after making it through another day of not turning feelings into felonies.

… that people who aren’t from South Carolina don’t realize the average summertime temperature is a hundred-and-fuck-you.

Why Is It ...

… that when my boss told me he was going to make a swear jar just for me I said I don’t have the kind of income to keep up with my mouth.

… that people around people who don’t swear makes me feel like I am in an unsafe environment.

… that what some people call multitasking, I call doing something else until I remember what I was going to do in the first place.

… that I am not actually funny, I’m just really mean and people think I’m joking.

… that people need to know that while I cannot change water into wine, I can turn tequila into bad decisions and total fucking mayhem.

… that I giggle before I go crazy because I gotta rev that engine.

… that I may not be the best looking, or the smartest, but I am am also not the nicest so please stop talking to me.

… that y’all don’t realize that I need a leaf blower … for people.

… that no one realizes that South Carolina has Winter, then Fake Spring, and then Spring, and when you’re in Fake Spring you must remember that Winter is just around the corner with a folding chair.

Why Is It ...

… that while some best friends get matching tattoos, my best friend and I have matching mental issues.

… that I have the ability to mulitask; I can lose my mind and chill at the same time.

… that I had to learn about parallelograms in high school instead of how to do my taxes. That information is only useful during Parallelogram Season.

… that even though I keep saying “it is what it is,” I need to know: what is it?

… that kids today are so soft. I remember I died once when I was seven and my mom told me to walk it off.

… that anytime I am suspicious of something I swear I am almost always right.

… that every so often I choose to wear a House Arrest Ankle bracelet as an excuse not to go out at night.

… that I never did a One Night Stand, but I did do a One Year of Wasting My F*cking time.

… that I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. Plus it's fun to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.

Why Is It ...

… that one of my greatest skills in working with clients is mastering The Fake Laugh™.

… that I cannot wait to retire so I can get up every day at 6AM and drive around really slowly to make everyone late for work. They say find a hobby and that’ll be mine.

… my morning coffee makes me feel like I have my shiz together; I don’t, but I feel like I do.

… that I really am a multipurpose friend because I’m down for brunch, a movie, aggravated assault, working out, whatever .,.. just let me know.

… that I like asking seven people for advice and then doing what I want anyway.

… that one of my toxic traits is finding out someone doesn’t like me and then trying to make it worse.

… that because I remember how we used to smack the top of the TV set to get a better picture, I have to fight the same urge to do that to people.

… that the first thing I notice when a person approaches me is their audacity.

… that I only drink water, coffee or alcohol? Who knows, but it explains why I am either hydrated, jittery or drunk.

… that I sometimes think sharks aren’t eating enough people.

Why Is It ...

… that when I write the book about all of the things I should have done with my life, I will call it my oughtabiography.

… that people talk about multi-tasking I think, “Yeah, I can listen, ignore and forget at the same time.”

… that no one understands that I don’t leave voicemails; you saw my missed call, that’s my voicemail

…. that the only clubs I’m into lately are sandwiches?

… that when things go left, I go right … to sleep?

… that my boss gets annoyed when I text him every morning to ask if we’re still on for work?

… that I am in a panic because I don’t know how to tell the cicadas all that’s happened in the last 17 years?

… that the Dildo of Consequences rarely arrives lubed?

Why Is It ...

… that I can’t recognize letters under a certain font size, but I can spot an idiot at fifty yards?

… that some people think that if I loved them once I will always love them? I’m not Whitney Houston.

… that speaking my mind is easy, but speaking it tactfully is sometimes hard?

… that as I get older I tell people my body is a temple? Cuz it’s ancient and crumbling and probably cursed or haunted.

… that whenever anyone tries to explain the rules of a card game I literally black out?

… that I give advice but always end it with “I don’t know though”? Cuz if my advice ruins your life it isn’t my fault. I said, “I don’t know!”

… that I start nearly every phone call with “My phone’s about to die? So  I can hang up on you when I get bored.

… that as I get older my friend circle becomes more of a dot?

… that people text me these idiotic abbreviations like “GM” and don’t get it when I respond, “Well, General Motors” to you, too?

… that my best method of multi-tasking is to listen, ignore and then forget all at the same time?

… that lately I’ve been turning off the news and watching serial killer documentaries just to relax?