Why Is It ...

… that every time I try to eat healthy, along comes Christmas ... Easter ... Summer ... Friday or Tuesday and ruins it for me.

… that for all of you who got into my business this past year, I will be sending you a W-2.

… that I was arguing with boss one day and just decided to take off my glasses and say, “I don’t don’t wanna see you right now.”

… that no one understands that I always have something smart to say.

… that when someone says to me, “I’ve seen your true colors,” I say, “Good., Use them to paint your bedroom.”

… that I always offer to cook, not because I’m nice, but because I want the food to be good.

… that while I may look normal, deep down, inside I wanna be an octopus so I can slap eight people at once.

… that Facebook keep suggesting people I may know. Well, I do know them and I don’t like them.

… that whenever people tell me I smell good and then ask me what I’m wearing, I say, “I splashed on some Leave Me The Fu-Cologne.”

… that my favorite childhood memory is having energy.

Bobservations

Our friends—Roger and Thomas—are members of a private club in Smallville called Springdale Hall. It’s mostly a place to have dinner and drinks but is very exclusive. We have eaten there a couple of times as Roger and Thomas’s guests, but it’s definitely not our kind of place; too frou-frou, too hoity toity, too from another era, and not a good one.

Last week my boss—also not a member but desperate to be one—told me how people join Springdale Hall. First, you have to be recommended by three members, and, if that happens, you are invited to Springdale for a cocktail party where you are introduced to the members, who then vote on whether or not you are the right kind of people. But here’s the best[?] part: The club puts your name on the wall and the members sign the wall ‘Yes’ or ‘No,’ and can actually write a reason why they vote ‘No.’

I came home and told Carlos all about this mess and he said:

“I’m a nearly blind, disabled, homosexual Mexican …”

“Great! Now we’ll never get in!!”

And we’re both good with that, though I’d love to see what people would write on the walls about us!

Tuxedo is also overjoyed at the idea that, somewhere in Mar-a-Lago, Thing #45 is throwing an epic hissy fit.

Former Vice President Michael Elizabeth Pence underwent surgery to have a pacemaker implanted after experiencing “symptoms associated with a slow heart rate.”

Funny, I didn’t think he had a heart, or if he did, Mother kept it in a velvet bag in her jewelry box alongside his balls.

Did you hear about the two women—Amanda McCormick and Linda Johnson—who used a fake $1 million bill to purchases a few items at a Tennessee Dollar General store?

Yes, they did. McCormick says she received the “bill” from a church and decided to use it at Dollar General to buy things for care packages for homeless individuals.

Perhaps, she might have used it to get herself some mental help.

SIDENOTE: These white women were not arrested, not handcuffed, not held down by three cops, ,and didn’t have another officer kneel on their necks until they were dead because … white.

Another Carlos tidbit … you know, because I’ve told you, that he is in Spice Jail for excessive usage of spices in his cooking, resulting in his husband’s stomach being all sorts of flip-floppy and gross. And he has been better at limiting his spice usage, but …

The other night he made dinner. Grilled Pork Chops and Mashed Potatoes with Scallions and Kalamata Olives, and Sauteed Vegetables. He served dinner and it looked delicious; the pork was juicy and flavorful; the mashed potatoes were wonderful; the veggies … ?

Oh, the veggies. He’d made a mix of onion, peppers, mushrooms, asparagus tips and, what I thought was zucchini. It was not zucchini; it was cucumber; he … cooked … cucumber. Let that sink in … he … cooked … cucumber. And, because he thought the veggies needed a little zing, he opened a jar of pepperoncini’s and poured the brine into the veggies.

Yes. He did. I am signing him up for cooking classes before he kills me.

PS I have heard that you can cook cucumbers, but that doesn’t mean you should,

A herd of breeding elephants trampled a suspected poacher to death while he tried to flee from South African park rangers.

Karma. I love her.

More Karma … after saying last week that COVID-19 was no big deal because no one ever quarantined for COVIDS one through eighteen, asshat, wingnut, moron Ted Nugent tested positive for COVID-19.

Of course, because he’s a racist asshat, he called it the “Chinese s–t.” One can only imagine how sick he might have gotten if he’d had any of the first eighteen COVIDS.

And finally we have Danilo d'Agostino, an Instagram ‘star’ and model from Turin, Italy who is also a pianist and inspiring actor. Yes, he took his Instagram account, where he posted pictures of himself, as some people do, and turned it into a rather lucrative modeling contract, so, you see, Instagram can be used for good.

Bobservations

I have often said that when I have a cold or flu and take NyQuil, I have NyQuil dreams; vivid, bizarre make no sense dreams. Now, it’s been a loooong while since I’ve taken NyQuil but the other night I couldn’t sleep, and so the next night I fixed myself a cup of Green Tea with Agave to settle me down for a good night’s sleep.

Didn’t work. I woke up every twenty minutes or so and I had a dream that was all kinds of bizarre and seemed to stop when I awoke and resume when I dozed; it went like this …

I was a Congressman—I know, nightmare, right?—and I was looking to get out of office, mainly because there was snow on the Capitol roof and apparently it was my job to shovel it off, So, I figured I’d get a new job and began walking … into what looked like a State Fair, I saw my friend, Dillon, and told him I was looking for work, and he said he worked for a women who owned a farm, I said, “Do I look like a fucking farmer?”

But Dillon took me to meet his boss underneath a freeway, who told me she also owned a Mexican food truck. I said I could do that work, but she only needed someone to make Nacho cheese sauce; I said I could do so much more than that, and then my friend Mark, who is an amazing chef who owns Mägo in Oakland suddenly appears and said he wanted to make Nacho cheese sauce and so he got my job.

Someone mentioned a job fair and I began walking and walking and then found a huge group of people in line. One of the people was Carol Burnett, dressed as Miss Hannigan from Annie, with a gaggle of imps and orphans following her. I thought nothing of it. I also thought nothing of the two Lesbians walking in front of me who told me you had to be in costume at the job fair, and they had an extra Handmaid’s Tale look if I wanted; I politely refused and headed toward the men’s room, looking for a costume.

But all they had were white suits and :::gasp::: black shoes. And so, since I was desperate to get out of Congress and not have to clean snow off the Capitol, I began looking through the suits for my size. Trouble was, they were all David Byrne suits … 185-inch chest, 90 in the arms. Nothing my size, though everyone else seemed to find a suit.

I slipped into a changing room and tried on the smallest giant suit and was swimming in it, but still decided to go out …

I opened the door …

Donald _____...

I woke with a start and never went back to sleep again.

Tuxedo feels about the Occupant of the White House the same as his two Dads although he's slightly less profane 

…

Alabama state Congressman, Will Dismukes, who went to a Klan party rather than pay his respects to John Lewis, has stepped down as pastor of a Baptist church after the controversy.

God saw you, Will, and she was not happy.

Today in Stoopid … in 1985, _____ announced he’d struck oil on a vacant lot he owned on Manhattan’s Upper West Side, saying:

”Isn’t it amazing? It’s a classic major oil find in Manhattan.”

Not so fast, con man. What he found was actually spilled and leaked leftover oil because the property was once used to be a rail yard.  But still, _____ claimed he was already getting calls from Texan oil barons about his huge find.

“We could be pumping here for years.”

Or … take that dead muskrat off your head and soak up the leftovers. Ass.

Rightwingnut, Faux-Christian and Liberty University President Jerry Falwell Jr. posted—and then deleted—a bizarre Instagram post in which he appeared with his shirt hiked up and his pants unzipped, standing next to a woman identified as a “friend.”

No wonder he supports _____. Birds of a feather …

Last week David Nagy of Jefferson Texas died from COVID 19. His wife, Stacey, gave his obituary to the local paper, naming surviving family members and … about halfway down, they sent a message to both _____ and Texas GOP Governor Greg Abbott:

“Family members believe David’s death was needless. They blame his death and the deaths of all the other innocent people, on _____, Abbott and all the politicians who did not take this pandemic seriously and were more concerned with their popularity and votes than lives.”

Stacey then went after those anti-maskers, calling them “ignorant, self-centered and selfish people” who ignore medical professionals and instead believe that “their ‘right’ not to wear a mask was more important than killing innocent people.”

It’s not.

RIP David Nagy and know that a great many Americans hold _____ responsible for your death, and the other 158,000+.

My mother cooked dinner when we were kids. Every night. We didn’t go out to eat much, and rarely had fast food—which may explain why, to this day, I don’t eat fast food. Buy my favorite story about my mother’s cooking was really about my best friend Curtis’s mother’s, um, culinary stylings.

Once, spending the night at Curtis’ house, we were out in the backyard and his mother came to the window and asked what we wanted for dinner; she said something about spaghettis and we both yelled, “YES!”

Inside the house I watched Curtis’ mom make the dinner and the next day, when I got back home I raced into the kitchen to say to my mother:

“Mom? Mom? Mom? Guess what? They make spaghetti … in … a …can!”

My mother turned and smiled and said:

“Not in this house they don’t.”

The Racist-In-Chief sat down with Axios’ Jonathan Swan and said this about John Lewis:

Swan: How do you think history will remember John Lewis.

_____: I don’t know, I really don’t know. I don’t know, I don’t know John Lewis.  He chose not to come to my inauguration, He chose—I never met John Lewis, actually, I don’t believe.

Swan: Do you find John Lewis impressive?

_____: I can’t say one way or the other—I find a lot of people, impressive. I find many people not impressive, but, no, he didn’t come to my inauguration, He didn’t come to my State of the Union speeches, and that’s okay. That’s his right. And, again, nobody has done more for Black Americans than I have. He should’ve come. I think he made a big mistake. I think he should’ve come.

Swan: But taking your relationship out of it, do you find his story impressive—what’s he’s done for this country?

_____: He was a person who devoted  lot of energy and a lot of heart to Civil Rights. But there were many others, also.

This racist can fuck all the way off.

Michael Ferraro. Yum. Curly hair, hot body, loves posing in underwearand, well, getting handsy.

Did I say ‘yum’?

This is a cute little funny tweet, made all the better by the fact that the Tweeter is Kellyanne Conway’s daughter.

Revenge Is Sweet, But In This Case It's Also Savory

Don’t come for a ‘mo unless he sends for you, because we may not all be the best fighters, but we can hit you where it hurts … right in the old family recipe.

It seems a gay man exacted revenge on his abusive and homophobic mother in a way that he thought most appropriate, and he did so by posting this to Tumblr:

Revenge is a dish best served piping hot from the oven, and then used for leftovers.

Oh, and a note to that homophobic mother: you need breadcrumbs to make a really good meat loaf, hon.

Random Musings

I always thought it was kind of gay, and now, apparently, it will be.

I got ahead of myself … NBC has announced it is remaking the ’70s TV crime/drama/romance show Hart to Hart — which starred Robert Wagner and Stefanie Powers—and will reboot it around a gay couple.

I suggest a new title, Hard ...Too Hard?

I’ll stop. Though I might suggest Michael C. Hall and Mathew St. Patrick, who were so great as a couple on Six Feet Under.

For anyone who thinks that 14-year-old Texas student Ahmed Mohammed, who was arrested and handcuffed for bringing a homemade clock to school, wasn’t targeted because of his race, I say, STFU.

Oh ... and this is funny:

On Sundays Carlos makes pancakes for breakfast and he makes all kinds and sizes and shapes and flavor, but last week he made some lemon pancakes and, afterwards, there was so much flour spread around the kitchen I felt like I was in a Studio 54 bathroom circa 1978 or looking at a coffee table at whatever flophouse Lohan is squatting in these days.

Just sayin’.

So, last week I got a comment on a post about Project Runway — PR 14 Ep 1: Let The Games Begin — from a Gregory Patterson:

At first I wondered what in the hell he was talking about and then I realized he was Gregory Patterson, the hottie from Sally Beauty whom I was drooling about to all of you, and you were drooling back at his cuteness.

And he is cute ….

I loves me some Empire and I am a huge Diana Ross fan, so imagine my heart palpitations when I learned that Miss Ross is in talks for a cameo role on the Fox show because the creator Lee Daniels, is as in love with her as I.

When asked who he would most like to see on the show, Daniels replied:

“Diana Ross. I’m obsessed with Diana Ross.”

And even Taraji P. Henson, Cookie on Empire, and the show’s resident diva, will make room for Ross should this all work out:

“My wish would be for Diana Ross and Billy Dee Williams to play [Cookie’s] parents.”

I’m.Dying. 

In the This Creeps Me Out file, I heard this week that  Whitney Houston’s hologram is going on tour next year. Seriously.

And how sad would that be if Dead Whitney is better, um, “live” than Live Whitney?

Facebook is working on a dislike button and I say, "Why do you need to do that when I already have one?"

Last, I have a real true, not funny or snarky, thought about the GOP debates and the so-called journalist, Jake Tapper, who covered it.

Tapper asked [t]Rump how he would pay for and implement his plan to deport 12 million undocumented workers on his first day in office since most of the more rational Republicans — yes, an oxymoron — say it can’t be done, and [t]Rump just said he could do it because he said he could do it.

And Jake Tapper let that slide.

Have me moderate the next GOP clownfest and I won’t let these idiots get by with not answering or giving non-answers.

Seriously,. Do your jobs journalists and moderators.

From Our Kitchen: CousCous Salad

To be completely honest, I saw this recipe on an episode of The Kitchen on the Food Network, but since I gave it a twist and a snap, I’m’a call it mine.

What’s it in you say? Israeli Couscous, Green Grapes, Green Onions, Walnuts, Arugula, and Avocado, then it’s all tossed with Grapeseed Oil, Pomegranate Vinegar, Salt, Pepper and the Zest and Juice of one Lemon. It’s really easy to make and is so good on a hot summer night with a nice glass, or bottle, perhaps, of Sauvignon Blanc.

Here’s how it’s done:

Slice a bunch of green onions into ¼ inch or less segments. Put in a bowl.

Slice a bunch of green grapes in half — though I quartered some of the larger ones. Add to the bowl.

Give a handful or so of walnuts a rough chop and add them to the bowl.

Cook the Couscous as per the instructions — I used one-and-a-half cups because it makes a good amount of salad and there are leftovers for the next day. When it’s done, drizzle with Grapeseed Oil and allow to cool; toss it every so often with a fork to keep it fluffy. Once cooled, add it to the onions, grapes and walnuts.

Take a large handful of arugula — though you can also use mint, or even basil, but I like the peppery quality of Arugula — and chop it up; then add it to the salad.

Take two boneless, skinless chicken breasts; season with salt and pepper, garlic powder, dried basil … whatever seasonings and herbs you like … place in aluminum foil and bake at 35o for about 35-40 minutes; allow them to chill completely then dice them and add to the salad.

At this point take one avocado — and to be honest, I used one-and-half because it’s my salad and that’s how I like it — dice into small cubes and add to the salad. Then take one lemon, zest the entire lemon and add to the salad and then juice that same lemon.

Dress with Grapeseed Oil and Pomegranate Vinegar to taste. Allow to chill a bit longer and, BAM, deliciousness.

It’s creamy with the couscous and avocado, but crunchy with the walnuts and onions, peppery with the arugula, sweet with the grapes and tangy with the lemon.

I might have to make it again this week.

From Our Kitchen: Black Rice and White Bean Salad

We had some warm days last week, and so, one night, I was in the mood for a pasta salad, and settled on a Latin-Inspired, Pasta-and-Black-Bean-Salad with Chicken. That, however, quickly morphed into a fusion of flavors and ultimately became a White-Bean-Black-Rice and Chicken Salad … so let’s get cooking …

Step one was out to the herb ‘garden-‘basically some pots on the deck, and hanging contraption of smaller pots, for some fresh Mint, fresh, Basil, fresh cilantro, and fresh Mexican Thyme which has a cool anise flavor to it. Then it was back to the kitchen for the rest of the “stuff.”

I don’t measure when I cook, I taste and guess. This works out well most of the time but can be disastrous, so let’s just talk what went into dinner:

From the left: Bell Pepper, Tomato, Onion [Okay, the onion isn’t pictured, but did go into the salad], Avocado, Lime, Chipotle peppers in Adobo, Kalamata olives, White Beans, Black Rice, Feta Cheese, two boneless, skinless Chicken breast, and that assortment of fresh herbs.

First up, the chicken. Liberally season with salt and pepper, and any other spices [garlic powder, perhaps] that you like. Take a chipotle pepper out and chop — these muthas are hot, so go sparingly — and rub all over both sides of the breasts. Then take some of the adobo sauce the peppers come in, and brush the chicken breasts as well. Wrap loosely in foil, place on the middle rack of the oven and cook at 350 for 35 minutes; that’s what our oven takes, and it’s a convection oven, so the times may vary.

Cook ½ cup of Black Rice in 1-¼ water, or broth — I used chicken broth; bring to a boil, then simmer for forty minutes; also, rinse and soak the beans for about a half hour in hot water, then cover with water — no salt, it dries them out — and boil, then simmer for about forty five minutes. When the rice is done rinse it off — black rice has a tendency to ‘bleed’ onto the other ingredients if you don’t rinse it — and then chill it for the salad. When the beans are done, drain them, and let them cool off in the fridge.

Oops, I forgot corn. I had a small can of corn in the pantry, so I sprinkled some Grapeseed oil in a pan, threw in the corn with salt and pepper, and then cooked it on medium heat until the corn charred a bit.

Dice the pepper, the tomato, the avocado, and … look! … it’s the onion. For the avocado, cut it in half lengthwise, remove the pit and then, with a non-sharp knife so you don’t pierce the skin — yours or the avocado — cut a series of slits into the avocado, and then you can just scoop out the chunks easily. Put all those into the serving dish.

Take all the herbs, whichever ones you choose — I used all the ones mentioned—and give them a good chop.

When the chicken is done, take off the rack and let cool in the fridge; then you can remove some of the peppers — or, if you like it hot, leave them on — and cube the chicken and add to the veggie and herb mixture.

Toss in the chilled rice and beans, make a vinaigrette out of fresh lime juice and olive oil; use a ratio of 2-to-1 to make the vinaigrette: ½ cup olive oil to a ¼ cup lime juice—I went a little heavier on the lime because I liked the zing. Season with salt and pepper, shake well—or use a blender to emulsify, and then add to the salad. Chill the salad till dinner, sprinkle with crumbled Feta, and then serve atop a bed of mixed greens with a couple of lime wedges.

There’s a lot of cooking and chilling with this recipe, but, let’s say you made Black Rice one night; make a little extra and keep in the fridge until you wanna make the salad; the same goes with the chicken and the beans; they can be cooked and chilled a day or two in advance, Then, when you want to build the salad it all comes down to the veggies and the herbs and spices. Toss together, dress it and eat it.

Yum.