The Funny Papers

Scott Stantis.Jim Morin, Nick Anderson, Phil Hands, Bill Day, Gary Huck, Steve Sack, RJ Matson, Drew Sheneman

Lara _____ Sucks Up To Pussy Grabbing Father-In-Law

We’re one year into America Held Hostage and once again millions of women took to the streets to express their disapproval of the lying hypocritical misogynistic homophobic transphobic racist Fat Bastard.

Thanks women. You rule; and one day soon, you will, literally, rule.

But even some of you aren’t all that a bag of chips: case in point, the woman who married Eric the Dumb, Lara _____, appeared on “Fox & Friends” and trashed those one-million-plus women who marched.

When asked an unrelated question about celebrities criticizing Melania _____’s do-nothing anti-bullying campaign, because, seriously, what’s going on what that, Lara said she was “so disappointed to see the Women’s March wasn’t just about women”:

“It was more of a hateful, anti-_____ protest, which I think is really sad because this president has done so much for women.”

And then she began naming the women her adulterer father-in-law has helped, though she steered clear of porn stars and women whose pussies he grabbed, and mentioned the Hounds of Hell, Kellyanne, Sarah and Betsy.

Yes, that was the best she could do. Kellyanne, Sarah and Betsy. Oh my.

And then, in true _____-style misogyny, Lara insisted that these women “out there are so anti-Trump, and I don’t even think they know why. They just think that’s the thing to do.”

Really, Lara, Really? These women marched and they didn’t know why? Maybe it was to remind the Fat Bastard that women’s rights are equal rights, that women have control over their own health care issues, that women be paid equally for doing the same job as their male counterparts, that women not have to endure being ridiculed or pussy grabbed by orange trolls and their ilk.

You can make fun, you can suggest that these women don’t know why they’re marching, but you’re only energizing them more and more.

The Women’s March in 2017 was huge, and this year some marches were even bigger, and that’s causing a lot of women, and women of color, to run for office and win elections in places where the man who signs your paycheck, because, let’s face it, you don’t really have any marketable skills except being a tool, beat your father-in-law back.

And then you can just go back to being Mrs. Dumb One.

The Funny Papers

Clay Jones, Darrin Bell, Bill Day, David Horsey, Mike Luckovich, Jack Ohman, Pat Bagley, Clay Bennett, John Cole, Andy Marlette, Steve Sack

America Under Siege: Women Rock

"I'm not nasty, like the combo of Trump and Pence being served up to me in my voting booth. I'm nasty like the battles my grandmothers fought to get me into that voting booth."—Ashley Judd

"We recognize that we are collective agents of history and that history cannot be deleted like web pages… This women's march represents the promise of feminism as against the pernicious powers of state violence. An inclusive and intersectional feminism that calls upon all of us to join the resistance to racism, to Islamophobia, to anti-Semitism, to misogyny, to capitalist exploitation… The next 1,459 days of the Trump administration will be 1,459 days of resistance."—Angela Davis, civil rights activist

"A movement is much more than a march. A movement is that different space between our reality and our vision. Our liberation depends on all of us."—Janet Mock, trans woman

"If we—the millions of Americans who believe in common decency, in the greater good, in justice for all—if we fall into the trap by separating ourselves by our causes and our labels, then we will weaken our fight and we will lose. But if we commit to what aligns us, if we stand together steadfast and determined, then we stand a chance of saving the soul of our country. ... The president is not America. His cabinet is not America. Congress is not America. We are America. And we are here to stay. We will not go from being a nation of immigrants to a nation of ignorance."—America Ferrera

"Our pussies ain't for grabbing. They're for reminding you that our walls are stronger than America's ever will be. Our pussies are for our pleasure. They are for birthing new generations of filthy, vulgar, nasty, proud, Christian, Muslim, Buddhist, Sikh—you name it—for new generations of nasty women. So if you a nasty woman, or you love one who is, let me hear you say, hell yeah."—Ashley Judd reciting the words of 19-year-old Nina Donovan from Middle, Tennessee

"We are mothers. We are caregivers. We are artists. We are activists. We are entrepreneurs, doctors, leaders of industry and technology. Our potential is unlimited. We rise.  We will not allow our bodies to be owned and controlled by men in government or any men anywhere for that matter. We will not allow our compassionate souls to get stepped on. We want the best for all Americans. No hate. No bigotry. No Muslim registry. We value education, healthcare and equality."—Alicia Keys

"President Trump, I did not vote for you. That said, I respect that you are our president-elect and I want to be able to support you. But first I ask that you support me, support my sister, support my mother, support my best friend and all of our girlfriends, support the men and women here today who are anxiously awaiting to see how your next moves may drastically affect their lives. ... Once the heaviness [of the election] began to subside, an opportunity has presented itself to make real long-term change, not just for future Americans, but in the way we view our responsibility to get involved with and stay active in our communities. Let this weight not drag you down, but help to get your heels stuck in."—Scarlett Johansson

"Remember, the Constitution doesn’t begin with, 'I, the president.' It begins with, 'We, the people.' "God may be in the details, but the goddess is in connections. We are at one with each other, we are looking at each other, not up. No more asking daddy. We are linked. We are not ranked. And this is a day that will change us forever because we are together. Each of us individually and collectively will never be the same again."—Gloria Steinem

“Continue to embrace the things that make you unique even if it makes others uncomfortable. You are enough. And whenever you’re feeling doubt, whenever you want to give up, you must always remember to choose freedom over fear."—Janelle Monae

"Don’t get frustrated, get involved. Don’t complain, organize."—Maryum Ali, Muhammad Ali's daughter

"I woke up this morning and the [Washington Post] headline read, 'Trump takes power.' I don't think so. Here's the power. Here's the majority of America, right here. We are the majority. ... Say yes to be willing to put yourself on the line. It is that simple. The next thing on your to-do list: You have to run for office. You, yes, you. I can see your faces, 'No, no, Mike, not me.' This is not the time for shy people."—Michael Moore

"Today, we're here to deliver a message: We're not going to take this lying down… For the majority of people in this country, Planned Parenthood is not the problem—we're the solution."—Cecilie Richards, president of Planned Parenthood

"They came to this town yesterday. They had red hats on. They were proud of their accomplishment. And they thought they had taken America back. What they never counted on was a million women in pink hats that are going to take America forward."—Van Jones, CNN political commentator

"Yesterday, Donald Trump was sworn in as president. That sight is now burned into my eyes forever. And I hope the same is true for you — because we will not forget. We do not want to forget. We will use that vision to make sure that we fight harder, we fight tougher, and we fight more passionately than ever — not just for the people whom Donald Trump supports, but for all of America."—Senator Elizabeth Warren

"Let us fight with love, faith and courage so that our families will not be destroyed. I also want to tell the children not to be afraid, because we are not alone. There are still many people that have their hearts filled with love. Let's keep together and fight for the rights. God is with us."—Sophie Cruz, 6-year-old immigration activist