Why Is It ...

… that my favorite childhood memory is my back not hurting?

… that I want to make ice cubes from hotdog water and serve it to my guests to get them to leave?

… that when I say I'll be there in 10 minutes, you should just know that I will not be there in 10 minutes?

… that people freak out when I say that I don’t Snapchat or TikTok or Instagram, but no one cares that I can write in cursive, do math without a calculator and tell time on a clock with hands?

… that I keep telling myself not to talk to weirdoes before realizing that if that happened I would have no friends left?

… that seeing people walk out of my life makes me sad … but only because I wish they would run?

… that my Life Coach just told me that I didn’t make the team?

… that I’m not as mean as I could be and am annoyed that people aren’t more grateful for that?

… that there are no adult neighborhoods to Trick-or-treat, like where they hand out Tacos and Margaritas?

… that I only drink water, coffee or alcohol and am constantly vacillating between being over hydrated, very jittery or drunk?

… that sometimes I think I’m the problem, I instantly think, Never mind that doesn’t sound right?

So ...

It's been a day or two around here. We had an expected, yet unexpected houseguest; an old friend was driving from New York City to Tallahassee and asked to spend the night, so we were hit with that.

He's an interesting sort, and I will leave that there.

And to top that off, Tuxedo has chosen this week as his time to leave. Since the weekend he's been lethargic and not eating, though he is drinking water, which is good. But, as he has done for the last eighteen years that we've had him, he's doing this on his terms. The vet has assured us that since he's drinking water he's not in pain as his organs aren't shutting down, so just make him comfortable until he's ready to go.

I told my boss I was taking the week off; he's great that way, because he has pets and he knows ... so I am here at home with Carlos and were holding Tuxedo and kissing Tuxedo and talking to him, and when he's ready, he'll go.

Until then I may stay off this thing  ... Talk soon.

Random Musings

Last weekend we had a houseguest, and you know what they say about houseguests …

He’s a friend of ours that I met when I met Carlos at the beginning of the century. He’s funny, smart, and a bit of a perv. I love when he wants to talk politics and architecture and history, but then he suddenly veers into a conversation of dick size, and wouldn’t you f**k him, and, well, it’s all a little much. But, he came bearing gifts, or so he said, so I thought it might be a nice weekend. He came out of his room carrying an object and said it was for Carlos.

To me, it looked like a flashlight, and since Carlos has issues with his night vision, that’s what I thought. But Carlos was twisting off the top and when it came off, I thought I saw a lens on the top; flashlight. Oh wait, there’s a slit in the ‘lens’ and, yes, not a flashlight, but a Fleshlight; a toy some men use to, um, choke their chicken, spank their monkey, audition their hand puppet, clean their rifle … you get the idea.

Anyway, not the kind of ‘gift’ you’d expect from a sixty-six-year-old retired attorney from New York City who sounds more than a little like Beverly Leslie from Will and Grace.

But the best part? After the houseguest left, Carlos and I were talking about the gift and Carlos said … “At first I thought it was a martini shaker.” And that was no euphemism for the Five Knuckle Shuffle. And then he says, “When the lid came off I thought it was a bathroom deodorizer.”

Oy, Carlo. You gotta love him. I know I do.

I remember a couple of years ago when word came out that Target was supporting an anti-LGBT candidate for political office in Minnesota. I, and many of my gay brethren, opted to voice our dismay by boycotting Target—not hard for me since I’d been in Target maybe a  handful of times in my life, but still…

And the rightwingnut Christians thought the boycott was cruel and mean and began calling the LGBT community ‘homofascists’ who boycott any and all groups who don’t agree with us.

Cut to last month when Target came out in support of marriage equality in Wisconsin and what happened? Those same rightwingnut Christians began calling for a Target Boycott since the retailer didn’t agree with their agenda.

F**king hypocrites.

In TV Hot Guys News, I’ve become kind of addicted to the new USA show, You’re The Worst, about a couple of toxic people who fall in love and their toxicity doubles.

 It’s irreverent humor — which I love — and features Brit Chris Geere — with a delicious accent which I love — and his best friend played by Desmin Borges, who is almost always in his underwear — which I also love.

Just sayin’.

The folks in Michigan have gone crazy, y’all. How else do we explain how Gary Glenn, the president of the American Family Association of Michigan, won the GOP primary for a seat in the Michigan state House?

Glenn supports  Michigan’s 2004 constitutional amendment banning same-sex marriage; he backed loon,  and “very special friend”, Mike Huckabee’s failed 2008 presidential bid; he wants to recriminalize homosexuality; he warns companies not to hire The Gays; he wants schools to ban Gay Straight Alliances because  they promote “homosexual propaganda” and “risky behavior”; he was a plaintiff in a lawsuit to stop the 2009 Federal Hate Crimes law because he said, falsely, obviously, it would criminalize the Bible.

WTF Michigan? You don’t wanna move ahead?

Last week we talked about Mary’s Gourmet Diner, the restaurant in North Carolina where the owner gave discounts to people who openly prayed before each meal because she thought it showed what good Christians they are.

Not so much anymore. Elizabeth Cavell, staff attorney at the Freedom From Religion Foundation, the largest national association of freethinkers, or people of no religious beliefs, began receiving complaints about the discount and sent a letter to diner owner, Mary Haglund, asking her to stop offering the discount.

“As a place of ‘public accommodation,’ it is illegal for Mary’s Gourmet Diner to discriminate, or show favoritism, on the basis of religion. Your restaurant’s restrictive promotional practice favors religious customers, and denies customers who do not pray and nonbelievers the right to ‘full and equal’ enjoyment of Mary’s Gourmet Diner.”

The next day a note was posted to the door at Mary’s announcing they would no longer offer the prayer discount:

“While you may exercise your right of religious freedom at this restaurant by praying over your meal to any entity or non-entity. We must protect your freedom from religion in a public place.”

Good.

In other TV news, the amazing Patti LaBelle is said to be joining the cast of American Horror Story: Freak Show this fall.

LaBelle will be playing Gabourey Sidibe’s mother in this next arc of the show, set in 1950s Jupiter, Florida, where it will focus on a series of mysterious murders centered around one of the few remaining side-show attractions in the country.

LaBelle’s character will delve into the truth about the “secrets of Twisty the clown killer.”

Twisty the clown killer? I am so in!

Hell hath no fury like a homophobe whose wife left him for another woman.

Jonathan Saenz, a virulently anti-gay activist and President of conservative group Texas Values, was divorced in August 2011 and court records show that his wife left him for another woman just months before he joined that hate group.

I guess when your wife leaves you for a woman, your only option is to run out and join an anti-gay group?

I watched a news report on Robin Williams' suicide the other night, and they were "reporting" on how many people felt that the press conference following Williams' death was so bad, so inappropriate and so full of salacious information.

After that snippet, the news channel began speculating on Williams' marriage, his finances, and whether or not he was sober in his last few days.

Pot.Kettle.STFU.

But ... if you want to read an amazing blog post on depression, what it can feel like, and how one person copes with it as best they can, go to A Heritage of Humor - Stories from my Kitchen to read Joe's account of depression.

It brilliant.

Aaaaaaaaah

The houseguests have left and the house is back in order. It's always nice to have visitors, and it's nice to have visitors......leave. A great visit, lots of fun and good food and drink, but now it's back to what Carlos and I call 'normal'.
His Aunt Gloria, who lived in Miami for many years before retiring back to Mexico City, arrived last week with her friend, Luz Maria, for a week-long stay. Carlos calls Gloria his 'Second Mother' and, one day this week while she and I were chatting, she told me that Carlos is the 'Son of Her Heart.' Very sweet way to put it.
Gloria has always loved hearing Carlos play the trumpet, so she planned her visit to coincide with the Camden community Band's Winter Concert to hear Carlos play. It also didn't hurt that the visit would include the day of her 83rd birthday.
Eighty-effing-three. Amazing. And she still drives. In Mexico City. Where traffic is a nightmare of epic proportions.

For her birthday we took the ladies up to Biltmore in Asheville. I thought she'd been before, but it was her first visit and she was thrilled to tour the house and gardens--and, as thrilled as I was to do some wine-tasting. Hopefully, when she comes for another visit, we can tour the house in Spring, when the flowers are blooming, or in the Fall, when the leaves are turning. And, well, Christmas is beautiful there, too.
One of Gloria's favorite holidays is Thanksgiving, which she began to celebrate after moving from Mexico to Miami. She loves the turkey and every single thing that goes along with it. But, sadly, her last visit here, for a Thanksgiving--several years back--was so cold that she was miserable. So, we told her that since Thanksgiving is about appreciating and enjoying many things in life, like family, that we could have a Thanksgiving Dinner whenever we wanted one. Which we did, on her birthday.

So, Thanksgiving in March-slash-Tia Gloria's Big 83 was a wonderful meal. Turkey. Stuffing. Gravy. Homemade cranberry sauce. Margaritas and Mediterranean Sidecars, and wine. And good friends David and Neal, along with David's sister, Barbara. Such a great meal, after which Carlos presented the aunt he calls 'La Bruja'--the witch--with an actual witch for her birthday. And she loved it. And loved touring Smallville, and the surrounding Smallvilles, as well as going in to Carlos' job and meeting his co-workers.
All in all, a lovely, lovely visit.

I'm still getting teary over that whole 'Son of My Heart' business.

Checking In.....

Just a quick drive-by this morning.

The houseguests--Carlos' Aunt Gloria and her friend Luz Maria--have been here since Friday and having a lovely time. Gloria came for two, maybe three reasons. 

Carlos started playing trumpet with the Smallville Community Band and they were having a Winter Concert last Sunday. She's always loved listening to Carlos play, so she definitely wanted to see that. 

In addition, she loves Thanksgiving, but November in Smallville is too cold for her, so we told her we'd have Thanksgiving Dinner whenever she comes; and luckily, except for a trip to Asheville yesterday where we got some snow--our Smallville weather will be perfect.

Thirdly, and more importantly, tomorrow is Tia Gloria's 83rd birthday. So, our "Thanksgiving" will be for celebrating that. Around the way gays, Neal and David, as well as David's sister Barbara, will be joining the celebration.

Yesterday, also as a birthday gift, we took The Ladies to the Biltmore Estate in Asheville. They had never been before and loved touring the house and gardens, and, of course, doing some Biltmore Wine Tasting. 

Afterwards, we drove into Asheville and had dinner at the Tupelo Honey Cafe. Fried Green Tomatoes over Goat Cheese Grits, Mama's Meat Loaf, Southern Fried Chicken Saltimbocca with Country Ham and Mushroom Marsala Sauce, Stroganoff, Y’all, and because I cannot see Ahi on a menu without ordering it, Gingered Ahi Tuna Steak. Banana Puddin' for dessert and that was all she wrote.

All in all, a good day, and now we begin preparations for La Brouha's [Spanish slang for witch, not because Gloria's a real witch, but because she likes witches] Thanksgiving Birthday Feast.

Hope y'all are doin' well, and, after some more pre-planned rants and stuff, I'll be back, fresh, on Monday.

Guests Are Like Fish......

...after three days they begin to smell.
Or, in our case, our guest began to smell after just a few hours.
An old friend of Carlos' was driving from New York City to Miami and decided to drop in, and stay the night. I was at work when the phone rang.
Hello?

Yes, may I speak to Bob please?

Knowing it was Carlos, I mean, how can you miss his accent:
What do you want? Said with love. He laughs.

Do you remember that movie with Sidney Poitier?

I'm gonna need a little more than that.

Guess Who's Having Dinner? Yes, he said it.

Oh God No!

Yes. He just called. He's going to stop and spend the night on his way to Florida.

I'll be staying at the Colony Inn if you need me.

Okay, so I didn't stay at the Colony Inn . I did go home. And The Friend was there. The Friend likes to push people's buttons to get a reaction. You'd think The Friend was under 10, but he's over sixty. Button Pusher.
So The Friend says Carlos took him around and showed him all of the best cruising areas in Smallville. Really, I say. Hmmm.
Then The Friend says, I heard about your dinner with the husband swappers.
Carlos and I had cocktails with another gay couple and of course, The Friend's mind heads right into the gutter.
I say, Yes, we did. it was fun. And I head back to the office to check my email. The Friend and his dog--did I mention he dropped by with his dog?--are wandering through the house; our cats have gone into seclusion...the FPP...Feline Protection Program. The Friend comes back to the office where I'm sitting at the desk.

I like your new furniture.

Thanks.

It was nice of you to pick all of it out.

I didn't pick it all out. Carlos and I chose it together.

Well, I don't know about that. But I love those new green chairs in the living room. Your choice?

Nope, those are chairs Carlos found.

I doubt that. I saw the furniture in his house in Miami.

OUR house in Miami.

The Friend decided it was time for bed.
The next morning Carlos makes cafe con leche, as usual, for our breakfast, and makes one for The Friend. He sets a breakfast table, and calls The Friend, who comes to the table on his Blackberry, gulps down a few pieces of toast, slurps the cafe con leche, and never takes his eyes on the Blackberry.
I'm in hell; especially because Carlos is leaving for work.

Wait for The Friend so you can leave together, I beg.

He's going to leave soon.

The Friend takes a shower from 7:30 AM until 9 AM; his dog is locked in the bedroom with him. He opens the bedroom door at nine and says to his dog, You ought to go out.
Why, I wonder. The Friend's dog has taken a dump on MY bedroom floor.
Sigh.

Explosion

Carlos blew his top.

We had been out with "the ladies" looking all over for a particular CD they wanted. We had driven out to Columbia, and looked all over until we finally found it; at a place called 'Sounds Familiar' a funky old new and used music store. I myself stocked up on a new BoDeans and a Billie Holiday I didn't have.

But I digress.

After going around looking for, and finding the music, we drove into Columbia and headed for West Columbia. Carlos asked if the ladies were hungry. "No." said La Bruja. So we drove on. Carlos then suggested a place for a coffee and pastry.

"We'd like to have salad," ordered La Bruja.

So off we went for an short, uncomfortable lunch at Cafe Strudel in West Columbia, after which we headed home. It was cold and rainy, so La Bruja decides to sit in the sunroom--surrounded on three sides by glass with two skylights overhead. The heat comes on and La Bruja waddles back to Carlos and says, "We'd like more heat."

That was all it took for the Carlos Bomb to go off. He went out to the kitchen and did his version of the dressing down. He ranted about spending six hours shopping. He railed about La Bruja wanting to waited on hand-and-foot. He roared about the absence of Please or Thank You. He was loud, but not as loud as I would have been. I was in the back of the house and I heard the raised voices. I crept into the hallway just in time to hear: "We're going out to a nice dinner and tomorrow we'll drive you back up to Charlotte so you can go home!"

My man. He's a sweetheart, but you can only push him so far before the TICK TICK BOOM!

Aftermath

So the dinner is over, leftovers stored, wine bottles emptied and dessert and coffee served.

What do we have to look forward to now?

Oh yes. The guests getting the hell out of our house!

Carlos' aunt and a friend of hers, whose names I will keep to myself--oh hell no, it's Gloria and Luz Maria--arrived on Monday and were staying until Monday, but are now leaving Sunday morning. And that won't come soon enough for me.

It's not that they're awful women--at least one of them isn't, for Luz Maria speaks very little English. But as for the other one, La Bruja (The Witch) as Carlos calls her, can be a demon spawn. I tried to give her the benefit of the doubt, because she's almost eighty and quite set in her ways, but she can be brutal.

On Tuesday, Carlos took the day off from work and took them to Columbia to go shopping. Carlos. Hates. Shopping. But it was his aunt and her friend, so off they went, for SIX HOURS. He watched them buy key chains, and nail clippers, pens and comb sets, three-dollar T-shirts and anything shiny and made of plastic. I think they were buying souvenirs for all of Mexico City. And upon their return, how thankful and gracious was Gloria? Um.............................Not.

The next day I was off and Carlos worked. I was staying home to do some pre-Thanksgiving dinner prep, but the ladies wanted to go shopping again! I suggested the nearest spot, and offered to drive them down there; I gave them my cell phone so they could call me to come get them. In the short drive to the shopping center, La Bruja must have thanked me, and told me I was the sweetest person ever, about twenty times. But Carlos? Bupkus! Nada. Zip. Zilch.

Thanksgiving Day Carlos and I cooked and baked and set the table and poured the wine and served the dinner and prepared his dessert and served his dessert and cleared and washed and scrubbed and rinsed, and wiped down counters and stoves and the table.

La Bruja? Left the room....but not before she asked in that voice of hers, "Can we have some more heat please? We'll pay the difference."

Where's my gun?

The next day, Black Friday, they ask to go shopping again. On Black Friday! With all the lunatics and soccer moms. Well, Carlos and I are shopping for a new flat screen TV, so we went. We drove into Columbia, to the Target store, and dropped them off while we parked. We walked the half mile or so back to the Target and La Bruja and su amiga are waiting on the curb. "What are we doing here?" she asked. "We have no more shopping to do!"

Again. Gun?

So we let them loose in Target while we looked at Circuit City for TVs. Then it was back to pick them, oh yes, and their purchases up, and head home. Gloria passes out in the sunroom for a couple of hours and, upon waking, asks where we are taking her now. Mind you, the woman doesn't want to do anything but shop.

So, Carlos offered to take them into town and wander through the antique malls. La Bruja agrees, and Carlos gets ready to go. Then she changes her mind and says she's hungry. The she asks us to make whipped cream for her dessert. Make. Whipped. Cream. If I could have made it into a gun and used it, I would have.

Drop everything and feed her. Gun? Anyone?

Again, not a lacquered fingernail is lifted in reheating their food or setting the table, serving, clearing washing..........it's like Groundhogs Day because I'm reliving the day before exactly as it happened the FIRST TIME!!!

They had coffee with dessert. I got the big wine goblet out.

T-minus 41 hours and counting.