It's Snarkurday!

So … Jesse Eisenberg … big star, right? Okay, maybe after The Social Network, but his last two films, The End of the Tour and American Ultra both tanked at the box office, so, now, maybe not so much. But he’s acting like he’s all that and a bag of chips on the set of the latest Woody Allen project where a source — and it can’t be Lohan because even Woody isn’t low enough to hire her — says he is making life hell for members of the crew:

“Jesse was practicing his lines and a lighting guy dropped a screwdriver and Jesse just lost it. The poor guy wasn’t even anywhere near Jesse, but he flipped out and threatened to have him fired, then mocked the crew guy for his ‘minimum-wage job’. It was bizarre and uncalled for.”

Um, Jesse, you’ve had a few minor successes, one major success, and more bombs than ISIS, so maybe you shouldn’t Christian Bale a crew member. Oh, and when you’re pocketing millions for acting, perhaps picking on a crew member’s salary is also a bad idea.

Just sayin’.

Remember egg-hurling, drag-racing, Sizzurp-guzzling, pissing-in-a-bucket Justin Bieber? And remember how he said he was turning over a new leaf and trying to be less spoiled bratty “singer”? Yeah, again, maybe not so much.

Last week The Biebs walked offstage and quit the show after performing just one song at a concert in Norway. He was scheduled to perform five or six songs for Norwegian TV, in front of an audience of about 950 people, but became visibly upset when some water spilled on the stage.

He tried to be a good boy and clean it up but some of his fans tried to grab him as he did so, and that’s when he said, “I’m done. I’m not doing the show.”

He left the stage and never came back. And so, of course, his people are trying to get him to dial back the diva by having him Instagramapology:

“Sadly it’s Been a rough week for me, long days no sleep, while having to be “on” as they would say for cameras fans etc. In no way did I mean to come across mean, but chose to end the show as the people in the front row would not listen. Hopefully people will understand where I am coming from. I don’t always handle things the right way but I’m human and I’m working on getting better at responding not reacting. Unfortunately people were affected by this as am I. For the people in the back I am so sorry and for anyone I may have disappointed im sorry. Sorry for wasting the tv people’s time I’ll be sure to make it up to you next time on tour.. With love Justin.”

Look, he’s a petulant child who pitched a fit onstage. Try apologizing for that shiz you call music and maybe I’ll believe you. The newest Bieber Apology Tour begins in 5 … 4… 3… 2 …

So, is Lohan getting’ hitched? Well, she has been getting herself photographed a lot over there to London wearing a ring on THAT finger. So, what’s up?

A friend — possibly Dina, while someone was holding her hair as she puked into a solid gold toilet at Harrods — says:

“She has lost her mind. She did it as a joke for her friends and wanted to see what people would do or say.”

Oh Lindsay. I miss the days when you stole fur coats from nightclubs, or committed a jewel heist in California, or walked out of a hotel without paying your bill, or dressed as Liz Taylor for a craptastic Lifetime movie, or pretended to be a serious stage actress, but this?

Somewhere in London a socialite is complaining that the redheaded drunk lady’s room attendant stole her ring.

So, Leah Remini left the Church of $cientology and is now spilling the tea … and a lot of it on Tommy Cruise.

As in the time that big wigs from the Co$ demanded that she head over to the Cruise Compound to teach the little man and his new girlfriend Katie Holmes how to Salsa dance. It reminds me of the time the Pope called me and asked me to hightail it to Mel Gibson’s place and show him how to fold towels, you know, because that’s what churches do.

And she talks about how Tommy won’t save seats for John Travolta and Kirstie Alley at the Co$ meetings because “he doesn’t like them.” Or the time that Tommy was bored, so the church rounded up some “friends’ to take to his house so they could, wait for it, play a rousing game of hide-and-seek.

But the best of all is how Leah says he treats Co$ minions, like the assistant who wasn’t making the cookie dough how Tommy likes it and he shrieked:

“Get in the fucking present time, is what you need to do!”

Apparently Tommy likes his cookies a certain way after a hard game of hide-and-seek.

And Leah claims Tommy went off on another Co$ minion because his tea cup was chipped — and, though she doesn’t say it, I imagine Tommy was wearing a Big Hat and sitting with Alice when he said this:

 “You served me tea in a chipped mug? Do you know who gets served with a mug that’s chipped? Fucking DBs.”

In Co$ a DB is a “Degraded Being,” a derogatory term.

Now, maybe this happened, or maybe it didn’t; maybe Tommy’s a diva gone mad or maybe Leah’s trying to sell books but … Tommy has yet to file a $100 million lawsuit against Remini for her lies so ….

Rumors are running wild that Jimmy Fallon has an ALLEGED drinking problem and the bigwigs at NBC are worried because he keeps hurting himself while drunk.

Last week Fallon was in Cambridge, Massachusetts to receive an award and went out drinking with some of the students. He ended up tripping over a kneeling girl while holding a bottle of Jagermeister which broke and cut his hand open. This was like his third injury requiring a trip to the hospital in four months and so now it is ALLEGED that NBC execs are worried about Fallon’s drinking and “clumsiness” and how the whole thing is getting out of hand.

There was the April 2014 incident at the East Village bar Niagara, where Fallon was ALLEGEDLY involved in a brawl after “Tonight Show” taping; the next night he was out partying at a Chelsea bar, buying vodka shots for everyone.

There was an incident in January when West Village gay bar Marie’s Crisis patrons recorded a very drunk Fallon singing Katy Perry’s “Walking on Air” while crawling on the bar.

And the time in 2009 when a wasted Fallon, the newly named host of “Late Night With Jimmy Fallon,” played beer pong with the staff at the now-closed Whiskey River until 5:30 AM before taking party upstairs.

Sources at NBC — perhaps Jay Leno looking for a way back in — say Fallon is fine and that NBC is okay with him right now. But what else are they gonna say since he has a contract with the network for the next six years and terminating it could cost NBC millions and millions of dollars.

Speaking of divas, who is a bigger one: Kanye or Jay Z?

Let’s check out the tour riders — those demands that celebrities, artists and performers make if you want to hire them — of the two men:

For his hotel room, Jay Z insists the temperature always be set at 71-degrees; he demands that hotel staff provide three $80 Mayan tuberose-scented candles and that no one ever vacuum near his room and no one ever asks for concert tickets.

On the other hand, for his hotel room, Kanye says all vases must be cylindrical, and says he must have a Genelecs 1031a speaker … which was discontinued a decade ago. He likes his dental floss minty, his cereal Kashi Go Lean and his towels black.

For the booze, Kanye wants a $3200 bar tab, including 3 bottles of Paradis Hennessy, while Jay Z wants some Ace of Spades champagne that he doesn’t not want to, will not ever, pay for, because he owns the company.

And as for the kids, Kanye has no special requests for NorthSouthEastWest, possibly because he doesn’t know who she is, but Jay Z demands the entire hotel suite be childproofed with all corners, sharp edges, and electrical outlets  covered, and statues, lamps, and breakable objects removed; oh, and only organic milk for Blue.

I’m kinda surprised that Kanye — the guy who demanded engraved marble tables and gold toilets for his wedding, isn’t more of a diva … but maybe when Kim tags along with … the baby?

Anyone up for more Bieber? Of course not, but you’re gonna get it anyway.

As Baby Justin Bieber continues his Boy Behaving Badly tour throughout Europe, let’s recall how, in Spain, he walked out of an interview because he didn’t like their questions — sheesh, you’d think it was a Republican debate or something — and then in Norway, as I posted above, he stormed off the stage after some fans kept touching him while he tried to mop up water … and ‘mop up water’ isn’t Bieber-speak for pissing in a bucket, y’all.

And then he appeared on the Spanish TV show El Hormiguero, which means The Ant in English which can also, perhaps mean, The Biebs. As Bieber sang, well, okay, kinda sang, an acoustic version of “What Do You Mean?” he became enraged that his fans were clapping offbeat, and so he decided to stop the show and school them in the art of clapping.

Seriously. He does like to give back.

For weeks now, since The Voice returned with newly divorced Gwen Stefani and newly divorced Blake Shelton, there have been rumors flying that the two judges were doing more than just turning around ion their chairs.

And yet they both had their ‘people’ vehemently deny it.

Until this week, after spending Halloween together where Gwen went as Miranda and Blake did Gavin — and rumor has it Gavin might be into that — and then the duo allowed their reps to tell the world that, yes, the newly divorced couple is now newly fating one another.

Yippee-ki-ay.

And no one is less surprised than Blake’s ex, Miranda Lambert — who has been known to date more than her share of married men — who took the time to throw some blue-jean-bedazzled shade, via a source, AKA Miranda Lambert:

“She was not surprised to hear of the romance between Blake and Gwen. They were always pretty flirty. Miranda and Blake were on the rocks on and off and knew that this could always be a possibility.”

Probably just like Blake knew that Miranda was getting flirty and handsy with roadies and tour guest start like Dierks Bentley.

Fifty-four-year old Eddie Murphy has knocked up his thirty-six year old girlfriend, Paige Butcher, who is now going to give birth to his ninth child.

Let’s look back at Eddie’s fathering …

In 2006 he divorced Nicole Murphy after twenty-two years of marriage and five kids, ranging in age from 13 to 26.

But Eddie also has another twenty-six year old child, a son, Eric, by Paulette McNeely, whom he ALLEGEDLY banged while married to Nicole, and he has another son, this one twenty-five, by Tamara Hood, whom he was ALLEGEDLY banging while married to Nicole and banging Paulette.

And then there’s his daughter, Angel, eight-years old, whose mother is former Spice Girl singer Melanie ‘Mel B’ Brown.

Timing suggests that Nicole divorced Eddie as Mel B got herself knocked up.

Not saying anything except, maybe to remind Paige that Eddie has a habit of taking out Little Eddie and walking him around lady parts … and transvestites.

It's Snarkurday!

It was just a few months ago that Sofia Vergara and Reese Witherspoon were everywhere promoting their new movie, Hot Pursuit, and touting their amazing new friendship.

Cut to six weeks later, and the flop that was Hot Pursuit, and now Reese and Sofia cannot stand one another, and each blames the other for the movie disaster.

Reese blames Sofia’s accent and ‘irritating laugh,’ while Sofia blames Reese for not being sexy or funny enough.

I blame the studio that figured they could just reboot some buddy comedy and slip in the Stars-of-the-Moment and people would just flock to it. Howsabout starting with a good idea first, and go from there?

Now, what’s kinda funny about the Reese-Sofia feud is that Joe Toth, who happens to be Reese’s husband, is the agent for both women.

Man, who wants to be Jim Toth right about now?

And who wants to be fired Real Housewives of Beverly Hills “star” Brandi Glanville right about now either?

Her “reality show career” has tanked, and even she can’t remember if she was fired or if she walked away from the show.  Clearly she was fired — she was not asked back for next season — but she insists she quit … though she forgot that when writing a column for an Australian tabloid NW magazine and saying this:

“This week has been crazy! I talked to Yolanda Foster and Kim Richards. Lisa Vanderpump actually emailed me. She was like the first to email after I got fired, which was very weird. I was shocked, it was very unexpected. Everything with her is a plan – everything is very strategic. I feel like she did it so I’d tell people that she did it.”

Oops. Fired; then Brandi, who may have been tequila’s when she wrote that, contradicts herself again by saying RHoBH wanted her back part-time but she declined because she has “other plans.”

And she doesn’t say what those “other plans” are, but I’m guessing it’s to start another TwitFight with LeAnn Rimes … or be photographed falling out of her dress somewhere.

My my my. Curtis “50 Cent” Jackson has been ordered to pay Lastonia Leviston some $5 million for posting her private sex video online as part of his little boy beef with Rick Ross. And Jackson may have to appear in court next week with his net worth statement in hand so the jury can decide on additional, punitive damages.

The jury found that Lastonia Leviston, Ross’ baby mama, suffered “severe emotional distress” when Fiddy narrated that sex tape in which he called her a “slut” and “mother**king porn star.” In addition, the jury says that Fiddy — how is that a name for a grown-ass man? — profited off the posting that was linked to his website ThisIs50.com.

The video is from 2009, and was made when  Leviston was dating Maurice Murray, who sold the tape to Fiddy after he and Leviston broke up.

So, now, in addition to the % million in damages, the jury will get to decide how much of Fiddy’s ALLEGED half-billion dollar fortune they’ll take away from him.

Ow … though there’s more to come on this one.

Thank goddess for Gwyneth Paltrow. I mean, without her we wouldn’t know which gluten-free foods to eat … we wouldn’t know that we needed a five-hundred plain white t-shit in our wardrobe … we wouldn’t know how to act morally superior to peons.

And now we wouldn’t know how to yawn. Yup. GOOP is telling us how to yawn in a new piece on her site called, Why Yawning Is Important – and How to Optimize the Reflex.

It goes like this, y’all:

YAWN #1

Gently tilt your head back to a comfortable position and allow your mouth to hang open widely while you gently extend into it.

Contract the back of the throat as if to perform Ujjayi breathing—a whispery breath—which is typically done through your nose with your mouth closed.

Breathe deeply through your mouth so you feel the air hit the back of your throat.Inhale and exhale completely while allowing your shoulders to relax as you exhale.

When the yawn comes, reach and extend into it, riding the yawn to stretch the jaw muscles.

Repeat 8-10 times until tearing starts. As your jaw muscles stretch and relax, and the yawn expands, the lacrimal glands around the eye are squeezed and tearing is induced.

YAWN #2

Continue with steps 1-4 above, and when the yawn comes, bring together only the lips. Keep the teeth slightly separated. Creating this shape with your mouth as you yawn will take out more slack in the throat muscles to bring the lengthening and relaxation around the base of the tongue, and further stretch and relax the neck, jaw, and occipital regions.

Repeat 8-10 times until you begin to tear.

Next up we learn the proper way to smirk at those less fortunate than us, and how to properly  sniff in disgust when a waiter comes over to speak with us.

Don’t thank me, thank GOOP.

Jesse Eisenberg was at Comic-Con last week and compared the event to genocide.

Yes, to Jesse Eisenberg, being featured at an event where your fans can come celebrate you, and perhaps meet you, as you promote your latest film, hoping they’ll see it and you’ll make millions, is just like the deliberate killing of a large group of people, especially those of a particular ethnic group or nation.

I wonder is those six million Jews who were slaughtered in WWII would want to trade places with Eisenberg … if they were still alive today.

Asshat.

Back to Curtis “50 Cent” Jackson.

On the heels of that $5 million verdict against him, Jackson instantly left the courtroom, walked down the hall to bankruptcy court, and filed Chapter 11 bankruptcy.

Not a good year, for Fiddy, who  recently lost another court case — involving the theft of a headphone design — for $17.2 million.

But Fiddy explains it like this:

“I’m taking the precautions that any other good businessperson would take in this situation. You know when you’re successful and stuff, you become a target. I don’t wanna be a bullseye. I don’t want anybody to pick me as the guy that they just come to with astronomical claims and go through all that.”

A target for punitive damages after you’ve been found guilty of posting a private sex tape on line because you’re pissy with someone.

My.Heart.Bleeds.

No one really knows why, or how, but former Friends star Matt LeBlanc’s father, Paul LeBlanc, gave an exclusive interview to Star & OK magazines and really dished the dirt.

Like how Matt didn’t really care for co-stars Matthew Perry and David Schwimmer:

“Matt always said Matthew Perry is an a**hole. He wanted to pound on him a couple of times. [And] David Schwimmer was kind of dry, a bit too serious.”

But apparently LeBlanc thought Lisa Kudrow was just fine, though Daddy has some choice words for his own son:

“He was as good looking as anyone in Hollywood. But he isn’t going to age well. It’s the high life – I’ll see him with his gut hanging over his belt. He’s not someone who keeps himself toned when he’s not in front of the cameras.”

But the biggest shocker of Daddy LeBlanc’s talk was the thought that maybe Jennifer Aniston and Matt LeBlanc fooled around together while Aniston was married to Brad Pitt?

“He even had a relationship with one of the girls… Jen. They would make out in the dressing rooms. He told me about it. It was when she was married to Brad Pitt….Matt goes after dirt bags.”

Ouch. I don’t know which is worse, calling Jen out for ALLEGEDING cheating on Brad

— possibly long before La Jolie met Pitt, or calling Jen a ‘dirt bag.’

Naturally, Aniston’s people are circling the wagons:

“Jennifer has never had a romantic or sexual relationship with Matt LeBlanc…Jennifer is being victimized by his fabrications.” 

Oh, there it is … Jennifer Aniston is a victim again. First La Jolie victimized her and now Matt LeBlanc’s daddy is to blame.

Still, it kinda makes sense that Jen would play the Poor Me card if she was the one who cheated first and wanted to save her image as America’s Sweetheart.

So, remember when Johnny Depp and his wife, Amber Heard, smuggled their dogs into Australia, where Depp was filming the 47th sequel to Pirates of the Caribbean?

And the government ordered the dogs — the actual pets, not Depp and Heard, out of the country — which caused Amber to whine about how Australian authorities were just looking for their “fifteen minutes of fame.”

Pot.Kettle.Black.

Well, now it appears Amber Heard, has been charged with illegally smuggling the dogs into Australia, and was issued a summons to appear in a Queensland court in September. She faces a fine of up to $200,000 or up to 10 years in prison.

I vote prison.

Just sayin’.

Let’s end with funny …

So, Big Bang Theory star Jim Parsons has been playing God … on Broadway … in a new play, An Act of God, and apparently God and Parsons don’t like it when people show up late.

It seems that  Parsons spotted a woman making her way to her orchestra seat some 15 minutes after a matinee began, and he said to her:

“A little late, aren’t you?”

When the audience burst out laughing, he added:

“You’re lucky I’m God and not Patti LuPone!”

You’ll remember that last week LuPone made headlines when she snatched a phone out of an audience member’s hand after the woman had been texting throughout the show, but what’s really eerie, and kind of like Is Jim Parsons Really God, is that the Patti LuPone incident happened later that night after Jim made that comment.

Now, he might have been referencing the 2009 incident where La LuPone stopped her performance in Gypsy because an audience member was taking pictures from her seat.

Or Is Jim Parsons Really God?

Random Musings

This week, Reince Priebus, the Republican National Committee chairman, had Karl Rove’s back, arguing that it’s "fair game" to discuss Hillary Clinton's health and age, and insinuate, a la Rove, that she suffers from some sort of brain damage. You know, to make her look old and feeble and unable to govern the nation when she wins the White House in 2016.

Funny, though, the GOP thinks she’s suffered some sort of brain trauma and yet managed to be the evil genius behind a Benghazi cover-up at the same time.

Hypocrites all.

Well, whaddya know The Gays can marry in Oregon making it the 18th state to allow equality — after U.S. District Court Judge Michael McShane struck down the state’s ban as “utterly arbitrary and completely irrational” and in violation of the equal protection and due process guarantees of the U.S. Constitution.

Since the governor, John Kitzhaber, and his attorney general have already made clear they intended to abide by any decision striking the ban same-sex couples began marrying in Oregon minutes after the ban died a much-needed death.

Bravo.

Can someone, anyone, get the folks at FoxNews an intern who can actually spell? Or is that asking too much ... since it's FoxNews?

I don’t watch the Duggars on TV, where they seem to revel in the fact that Mama Duggar has pushed nineteen children through her uterus over the last couple of decades or so. I am not big on the multiple breeders, especially the ones who say they have all these children because that’s what God intended for them and they always do what God says. And this, apparently, means they will defy God’s natural order of things by using in vitro fertilization to bring Baby#20 into the world.

Somewhere God is shaking her head.

The Michael Sam reality show docu-series that Oprah was trying to rush into production so that the public forgets about her last reality-show docu-series, Lindsay, has been put on hold at OWN. It seems the St. Louis Rams feel that ‘The Untitled Michael Sam Project’ would turn Sam’s transition to the team into more of a media circus than it already is, and asked Oprah to step back, have a cookie, and rethink.

The project had been labeled a 'distraction' for Sam, and for anyone who wanted to watch it because, you know, it’s OWN and Oprah would have worked her way into the show some way, perhaps playing Sam’s long-lost aunt or something, because whatever she does, it all, and always, about Oprah.

I didn’t watch the Billboard Music Awards last week because, well, I just didn’t care enough to watch them, and when I found out the biggest performer was Dead Michael Jackson Hologram, it made me realize my decision was the right one.

I mean, when Dead Performers are the stars of the show and the living performers are second-tier, we should maybe rethink music.

And when you toss in Robin Thicke using the stage to try and get his wife, Paula Patton, back after she left him because he’s a serial cheater, well, let me just say this to Robin:

You want your wife back? Stop singing to her and tell her you’ll stop f**king around on her because your “career” is just about over and you’ll soon be back to carrying her luggage.

M’kay?

Out there to Idaho, it seems that thousands of couples have tied the knot at the Hitching Post in Coeur d’Alene, but now the popular wedding spot says it will not perform marriages for same-sex couples, even if that means closing its doors after 95 years in business.

“We will not be marrying gay couples here,” said Donald Knapp, an ordained minister. Knapp said he follows biblical teaching on marriage, as do the other Christian ministers who perform weddings there. “I’m not antagonistic to people of that belief. If that’s what they want to do, they can choose to live together to do the things that they’re doing. I cannot in good conscience perform same-sex marriages.”

Christian love at its finest, eh?

On the other hand, down there in Costa Rica, they have no problem at all with The Gays.

In what is being called a first for the country, the Rainbow flag was raised alongside that country's own flag last week, above the Presidential Palace.

Newly-elected President Luis Guillermo Solíssaid he asked that the flag fly over his house so that it would be in time for last week’s International Day Against Homophobia and Transphobia:

“This is the house of all Costa Ricans. When we say all Costa Ricans we mean all, without exclusion, without violence, without harassment in absolute respect for the rights of each one...We’re fighting against discrimination in defense of the human rights of all Costa Ricans."

It is allegedly the first time the gay pride flag had been flown from the offices of a head of state in the Americas.

You go, President Solíssaid!

Is it really weird that I thought Jesse Eisenberg looked kinda hot in Now You See Me?

Remember Phil Robertson, the star of the reality show Duck Dynasty who compared The Gays to drunks and terrorists and called The Gays “insolent, arrogant God haters”? ‘Memba him?

Well Republican and Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal is going to give him an award for Entrepreneurial Excellence, and called the Robertson family “great citizens” of the state.

Way to go, Bobby, give an award to a man who hates The Gays, and thinks Black people were happier before Civil Rights and that it’s just fine for a grown-ass man to marry a fifteen-year-old girl.

Louisiana? You suck for keeping that asshat in office.

So, the day after Oregon became the 18th state to make The Gays legally entitled to be married, Pennsylvania became the 19th state. And I don’t think it was a coincidence that this all happened on Cher’s 68th birthday, or the day after Bianca Del Rio became Drag Royalty, but there was a tinge of irony in the story that also made me giggle like a giddy schoolgirl.

The judge who ruled that The Gays can marry was a judge appointed by former President George W. Bush and wildly supported by Pennsylvania’s own Frothy Mix, Rick Santorum.

Ricky now, of course, is doing the GOP Goosestep about the whole thing but, let’s all realize that in one small way, we have Rick Santorum to thank for marriage equality in Pennsylvania!

Ya-freakin’-hoo!

Yesterday Carlos had an eye appointment and was to have his eyes dilated. Since he wouldn’t be good to drive after, I took the day off and went with him.

While sitting in the waiting room, I eavesdropped—hey, we all do it!—on two older ladies chatting and reading the paper and one snippet of their conversation went like this:

First Older Lady: Jerry Vale died.

Second older Lady: At the Koger Center.

First Older Lady: No, he … what?

Second Older Lady: Is he having a concert at the Koger Center?

First Older Lady: No. He.Died.

Second Older Lady: Then, no concert?

I tried hard not to laugh out loud.

It looks like those wacky Teabagger candidates are runnin’ outta steam as many of them were trounced in their elections in this week’s GOP primaries. Even that Old Turtle, Mitch McConnell, a GOP loon if there ever was one, decisively beat his tea party challenger by 24 percentage points.

It's the latest big beat-down for the Tea Party and a growing trend that their reign of irrational terror is waning. Of course, to be fair, it seems the ‘Baggers have been successful in pushing some of the more wingnutty GOPers to the right in open seat Republican primaries, but they haven't had any luck kicking out GOP incumbents this year.

Hopefully, even amongst the wingnuttiest of the GOP, this means a slow, painful death to Teabagistan.