Snarky Thoughts

It was just a few years back that Dwayne Johnson, er, The Rock, foot-stomped, head-snapped, and hissed that he would never EVER return to the Fast and Furious franchise and yet he made a cameo at the end of this last epic, and then announced that he’ll star in a standalone movie as his character Luke Hobbs. Johnson also said that he and Vin Diesel have smooched and become BFFs again so that they can preserve and protect all these films that are really just the same film in different spots on the globe.

My Thought: Dwayne’s last movie Black Adam was such a bomb he went crawling back to the last thing he did that made money and pressed his lips to Diesel’s ass and cashed that check.

photo

Scientology rapist Danny Masterson was found guilty of rape this week. The jury found him guilty on two counts of rape but were deadlocked on the third. Masterson could have faced more than 40 years in prison for all three charges, but the attorneys say it is unclear how much time he will spend bending over for the soap on “just two” counts.

My Thought: Just two counts of rape? I guess that means you get to rape at least twice to get a light sentence but should think again about that third assault?

photo

If it’s June and you’re as Thirsty as Kate Hudson then it’s that time of year again to bare the tits and ass on Instagram. And so Goldie’s spawn spent Memorial Day Weekend lounging by the pool with her kids—topless—and posted:

“Suns out, buns (and huns) out #summerready.”

My Thought: Somewhere Madonna and Halle Berry are stripping off their bikini tops and bottoms for a pool day photo because The Thirst is real.

photo  photo

Like his pal Robert DeNiro, eighty-three-year-old Al Pacino is set to become a dad for the fourth time after it was revealed that his 29-year-old girlfriend, Noor Alfallah, is eight months pregnant. If all goes as planned Al will be over 100 years old when the kid graduates from high school.

My Thought: Will they do a Weekend at Bernie’s thing and prop the corpse up in a chair, or just make things easy and roll a coffin down the aisle?

PS Al’s oldest child is four years older than his current Baby Mama.

photo

Clearly she has a type. Fifty-one-year-old Erika Jayne was spotted on what appeared to be a Las Vegas date with recently arrested seventy-one-year-old lawyer Jim Wilkes II amid her divorce from eighty-three-year-old disgraced former attorney Tom Girardi.

My Thought: She likes ‘em legal, decades older, and in trouble with the law. She really is a Pretty Mess.

PS Wilkes wants y’all to know he and Erika aren’t dating because he still lives with his wife and they aren’t dating so don’t say that!

photo

I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

Oh, Tyra Banks, where have you been. A few years back you said you were creating your own Disneyland, called, Modelland, and then you vanished? Wha’happen?

Well, Tyra is back y’all, and she’s got the deets on her, ahem, attraction, Modelland. Appearing on The Talk, Tyra said that Modelland is “Harry Potter meets the modeling industry” with a little Wakanda thrown in there and is based on her self-published YA novel of the same name.

Modelland! The book and the experience! It’s set in an “alternate universe” and visitors are encouraged to join the #TheUpRiXing led by “Tookie De La Crème, and her squad of atypical beauty rebels.” At Modelland, one can rail against rigid beauty standards while taking selfies and enjoying some Smize Cream.

Seriously. And then Tyra scurried over to The View and told those ladies that her goal is to “bring modeling to the masses” where everybody can “come to Los Angeles, California”—well, to be fair, Santa Monica—where the #TheUpRiXing has opened up a portal “for everybody to come and show their beauty and their booty matters.”

Sounds like a crash and burn if you ask me, and it sounds like Tyra BanX will have no mo money in the bank when this hot mess of a bad idea slinks into the ocean off the Santa Monica Pier.

photo

Last weekend, Amie Harwick, a 38-year-old sex therapist who was engaged to Drew Carey in 2018 before they broke up,was apparently murdered when she fell from a third-story balcony at her home in the Hollywood Hills; police are investigating and have arrested her ex-boyfriend Gareth Pursehouse who has been described as a stalker and who Amie had a restraining order out against until it expired two weeks ago. Now, this isn’t gossip; it’s sad. But it leads us to the gossip, which concerns one flapping-lipped-ignorant-loudmouth who goes by the name of Wendy Williams.

Yes, Wendy Williams shoved her big old foot in her yap …again. The murder of this woman is clearly not a laughing matter, but that didn’t stop Williams from going into a deeply bad taste when she told the audience that Amie fell to her death:

“She was killed not by Drew–but by the ex, um…’Come on down!’…”

Yes. Come on down, about a woman who may have been pushed to her death.

That’s the vile Wendy Williams, who actually appeared stunned when her audience groaned at her attempt at death humor.

Pig. I wonder how far down Williams will go next week…

photo

It looks like maybe Al Pacino should have his girlfriend’s sign an NDA because his current ex, Israeli actress, Meital Dohan has confirmed that she and Al are over because … wait for it … he’s old and he’s cheap.

Meital, 43, and Al, 36 … years older than that, dated for about two years after meeting at a Hollywood party. Now, what gets me is that Meital had to know Al was old because the man made The Godfather nearly fifty years ago; do the math! But it was just Old Man Al, it was Cheap Old Man Al; or, as Meital says:

“It’s hard to be with a man so old, even Al Pacino. The age gap is difficult, yes. I tried to deny it, but now he is already an elderly man, to be honest. So even with all my love, it didn’t last.”

Meital was asked about Al’s gifts and said:

“He only bought me flowers… How can I say politely that he didn’t like to spend money?”

And yet she still wants to be friends with that cheap old dude:

“I had a fight with him and left him recently, but of course I really love and appreciate him, and I was glad to be there for him when he needed me, and to be a part of his legacy. It’s an honor for me. I’m glad this relationship happened between us, and hope we remain good friends.”

Perhaps she hopes to land a spot in the will where Al will leave her zippety-do-dah-day nada.

photo

Celebrities sometimes think they are just so fabulous, and then they go and do something so moronic.

Yes, Orlando Bloom, I’m talking to you. I will thank you for those nude paddle-boarding photos from a couple of summers ago; you have a delightful looking “second” paddle. But this is about tattoos and perhaps not thinking them through all the way.

Orlando Bloom decided to get a tattoo of his son Flynn’s name rendered in Morse code on his arm. Well. He tried to do it. The finished tattoo read “Frynn,” rather than “Flynn” and sharp-eyed trolls noticed it straight away.

Luckily the permanent faux pas was fixed rather easily with the addition of a dot …or was is a dash.

But, let this be a lesson to you out there in blogland who want to get a tattoo: Double-triple-quadruple-check the spelling!

I have some Chinese symbols tattooed on my ankle and I thought they read: Compassion, Friendship, Peace and Truth, but I recently found out it means: Bring me another margarita.

Luckily, either way works for me.

photo

I Ain't One To Gossip But ....

So Chris Brown is a good guy now, right? I mean, isn't all up in The Gay's business and stuff, bein' all equality and shiz? Except .... Chris Brown has gone and assaulted a random woman at an Anaheim nightclub gig, ALLEGEDLY pushing 24-year-old Deanna Gines to the ground when they met in the VIP section.

Now, of course, she has torn ligaments and a lawyer, and Chris Brown has another court date.

His representative, Nicole Perna, who seems to be addicted to the Chris Brown Kool Aid, says, “I’m unaware of the incident, as is Chris’s lawyer and his entire team. He was in a great mood after Powerhouse. None of this makes sense.”

Because Brown only hits women when he's in a bad mood.

M'kay.

It's kinda sad when your go-to example for publicity is Paula Deen, but that's apparently who Kate Gosselin is looking up to these days, and trying to emulate.

It seems someone posted an ALLEGEDLY private photo of Gosselin in a plastic sumo wrestler-style wig, pulling the corners of her eyes back, you know, like them Asians do, and since the picture made a lot of people uncomfortable, Kate is doing a Sideshow Version of the Paula Deen Mea Culpa Tour, saying: "It was a happy time for me and Jon, smiling and ‘goofing off’ together. Jon and I were opening fan mail together one afternoon ... and when we opened this plastic Asian dress up wig sent from a caring fan, we smiled, each taking turns posing in it and snapping photos of each other. Naturally, I ‘slanted’ my eyes to show him my best Asian impression, which made him smile. ... I married an Asian. I have eight biracial children therefore I’m quite certain that I’m the last person that could be called a racist."

'Naturally' she slanted her eyes? OM-effing-G! Gosselin wants y'all to know that the photo was taken from her “home computer” and this whole thing “opportunistically turned into something that it never was intended to be.” And any second now, she’s going to say she’s being bullied again.

Kate, dear, you need to check your watch. Your fifteen minutes were up a while back and your mock outrage that someone should think you’re a racist is just you trying to stay relevant. You aren't.

Kanye West is someone’s father now, and while that might change a man’s life, that ain't how Kanye rolls. He rolls like Kris Jenner. You know, the same Kris Jenner who pimped out her daughter Kim's sex tape to make her a celebrity of sorts.

Well, now comes word that the Kanye West sex tape--with the Kash Kow look-a-like--that was making the rounds last fall, just might have been Kanye's doing.

Last year, when someone threatened to go public with a recording Kanye made of himself and an unidentified woman, Kanye almost took ownership of it himself, so he could sell it himself. He says he wanted to "neutralize any threat of extortion" when what he wanted was to score some green for his wallet.

Kanye West: “For the most part, I’d rather people have one of those home videos than some of the paparazzi photos that get published. At least I recorded the sh*t myself. That tape couldn’t have hurt me in any way if it came out—it could only have helped. Now, I just do exactly what I want, whenever I want, how the f*ck I want. ‘F*ck you’ is my message.”

And, yes, he's some girl's father now. He's as much as self-adoring fame-whore as the family he's hitched himself to for life.

A few weeks back, Jonah Hill gave a pissy interview to Rolling Stone and wouldn’t shut up about how he’s a serious actor now and no one else has ever transitioned from comedy to drama in the history of acting before so we all need to bow down at the altar of Jonah Hill and ...

Wait ....who's Jonah Hill?

Exactly. Moving on ....

So, back to the Kartrashians.

It seems that Bruce Jenner has been kicked out of his house, and forced to move into his other house that he lives in when he isn't filming his reality show and acting like he's a happily married man.

A source--and you know it's Kris because she has a talk show to plug--says, “[Bruce] decided to ditch the family home because he was constantly being told to be quiet because of baby Nori. Bruce was unable to have his friends over to fly their remote controlled helicopters in the backyard because of concerns of noise. The entire household has been turned upside down because Kim and Nori have moved in. Bruce has been run out of the house! Kris didn’t encourage him to stay either.”

So, rather than keep quiet, or tell your big-assed step-daughter to take her baby to her own home, or even the home that Kanye has in Paris or New York that are right down the street from his BFF, designer, Riccardo Tisci, Bruce Jenner moves out?

I think he had a bit more plastic surgery and he needs the peace and quiet and doesn't want to listen to Kim squawk about giving birth--because she's the first woman to do so--over and over.

This is just for kicks. Or slaps. Or smacks.

Apparently, Al Pacino and Christopher Walken were eating lunch at LA’s Brite Spot and when Pacino disappeared into the Little Actor’s Room—he ain’t that tall, y’all—Walken went looking for him. And he found Al pounding the walls and screaming profanities and stomping his iPhone into pieces.

“Smart phone, my ass,” Pacino bellowed, according to an eyewitness—so there were three men in the men’s room?—who added, “Al had been trying to use the so-called ‘Siri’ feature on his iPhone, but the automated voice kept giving him wrong information. Angrily eyeballing his shattered phone, Pacino snarled, “That’s the last time that f***ing witch speaks to me!’”

As they left the bathroom, Walken nodded at the amazed diners who’d heard the commotion, and said, “And people think I’m the crazy one!”

Who knows if this is true. I mean any story that starts off with Al Pacino and Christopher Walken were in the men’s room has got to be good, but I would have believed it more if Walken had found Pacino screaming, “You’re out of order! The whole Verizon network is out of order!!”

Just sayin’.

Ready for some Biebs? Me neither, but what’s a gal gonna do?

Remember all those pictures of Miss Justine Bieber being carried by her body guard—you misty have seen them here if nowhere else. Well, Little Justine wasn’t being carried into the car, really, she was being held back by her bodyguard because she was about to go all Mean Girl on a paparazzi.

During the scuffle, Bieber lost a hat and shoe, but the photographer was actually knocked flat on his back by Bieber, which led to all kinds of folks—police, fire, ambulance, Star magazine—flocking to the scene.

There was all kinds of buzz later on that prosecutors were going to press battery charges against the diminutive starlet/singer, but nothing ever came of that until now ….

The photog, who survived his brutal beating by the Pint-sized Pop Star, is now suing Biebs because he says, and this makes me laugh so hard my sides are aching, that Justin Bieber delivered a crushing MMA-type [Mixed Martial Arts] kick to his abdomen.

The paparazzi, Jose Osmin Hernandez Duran, claims that when he was shooting Justin trying to be strapped into his car-seat in his brand spanking new Mercedes, that the Little Boy became so enraged that people would see him snuggling his Binky that he jumped out of the car and “delivered a martial arts-type kick … in the lower rib cage on the left side of his abdomen.” The suit also ALLEGES that Bieber used his left fist to punch Hernandez on the right side of his face and then pushed him against a parked car.

The photog doesn’t give a specific amount he wants for the alleged assault and battery but I’m guessing it’s in the millions. Still, it begs the question: do you wanna go to trial and publicly say that you were beat up by Justin Bieber?

C’mon!

I’ve got nothing on Madonna this week, but I ran across this picture of her with Stella McCartney at some fashion thingy and began wondering: when did Madonna become Karl Lagerfeld?

Just sayin’.