Why Is It ...

… that all of the sudden my neighbor hates me. At her garage sale I asked her  “How much for the angry gnome?” How was I supposed to know that was her kid.

… that my ducks are absolutely not in a row; I don’t even know where some of them are and I’m pretty sure one of them is a pigeon.

… that people don’t understand that they should never ask me for advice. I will just give you a shot of tequila and tell you life’s a bitch.

… that no one told me that as I get older the weather app will become a part of my routine.

… that I just want to experience one full day without getting irritated … like a limited time offer of inner peace.

… that while I may not put the sparkle in your eye, I am responsible for those WTF wrinkles in your forehead.

… that I one time I said, ‘I’m never getting out of this horrendous escape room’ amd my boss said,’You really have to stop saying that every time you clock out.

… that whenever I pick the remote up off the floor with my feet while lying on the couch, I call it a Leg Day.

… that people should know that if they’ve ever felt that I don’t like them, for any reason, they should trust that feeling.

Why Is It ...

… that my phone won't auto correct when I have caps lock on? Is it because it assumes I’m angry and doesn't want to get involved?

… that my boss doesn’t get it that I don’t listen. I just smile and nod and hope for the best?

… that sometimes I’ll read a text and think ‘What a psycho’ and then I press ‘Send.’

… that when I offered a friend a sincere compliment on their mustache, she suddenly decided not to be friends anymore?

… that when I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so those behind can see it’s not my fault.

… that exercise and extra fries sound so much alike. It’s a plot.

… that when I put thing away in the cupboards I forget where they are, but if I leave it all on the counter I get overwhelmed.

… that the first shot of liquor is so nasty and the next thing you know, so am I?