Meme Dump and Happy Veterans Day!

The Funny Papers

Michael de Adder, Mike Smith, Clay Bennett, Mike Luckovich, Matt Wuerker, Ed Hall, Bill Bramhall, Dennis Goris, Ann Telnaes, Jack Ohman, Nick Anderson, Deb Milbrath, Liam Simonelli, Tim Campbell,

Snarky Thoughts

Rumor has it that good boy Prince Andrew is heartbroken and, well, furious that his older brother King Chuck is the sole heir to mommy’s nearly $800M tax-free estate.

My Thought: If you’d stayed away from underage girls, mama might have slipped you some coins.

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What is it with some celebrities who feel the need to share every minute detail of their lives? And, no, this time I don’t mean Madge. Actor and podcaster Rachel Bilson is the latest member of the Thirsty Overshare Club™ and has decided to let the world know that although she has had several relationships, but she has never had an orgasm until she was thirty-eight.

My Thought: Was anyone asking her about her orgasms or does she just think everyone cares … cuz I, for one, don’t.

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When movie theater attendance took a nose-dive with the rise of streaming and COVID lockdowns, tiny men with big egos, Tom Cruise and James Cameron, demanded their films only be shown in theaters to get America back at the movies. And yet neither man could be bothered to show up to the Oscars, AKA “Hollywood’s Biggest Night.”

My Thought: Cameron wasn’t nominated, so clearly he stayed home to pout, and Tom Cruise’s new face probably wasn’t ready by the time the show aired.

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Ever since Bravo let her go fired her for being a hot shrieking mess, people have been wondering who will replace Lisa Rinna as the new bitch on Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. Well, it might be a former Desperate House stepping in to fill Rinna’s hooves since rumor has it that Andy Cohen has asked professional television bitch, Nicolette Sheridan, to join the show.

My Thought: What else is Sheridan doing, right? On the other hand, it would be smack to Rinna because Sheridan was once married to Rinna’s husband, Harry Hamlin … oh, and her lips are real.

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Since we already talked thirsty—see Rachel Bilson orgasm—let’s add to the club with one Miley Cyrus. See, Miley and her ex-husband Liam Hemsworth broke up over four years ago and she went on to have several relationships, as did he, but suddenly all of her new music is about Liam and how she doesn’t need him  and how he broke her heart and how he left her.

My Thought: Miley clearly wants Liam back, because why else spend her time four years later writing revenge songs? Especially given that Liam moved on and is in a long-term relationship.

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Snarky Thoughts

Clearly it’s his ego that runs his life, because Tom Brady has finally decided to retire from football since he failed to take his team to the Super Bowl this year. I mean, his marriage ended because he refused to retire but he only quit the game after the game quit him first.

My Thought: A year too late, Tommy.

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Actress Eva Green has been left “humiliated” by the release of her private text messages she sent out while making the 2019 sci-fi thriller film ‘A Patriot.’ Though the film crashed and burned due to a lack of funding and a falling-out with financial backers, but some say Green’s WhatsApp messages are what really caused the death of the film. Still, to be fair Eva did text that the crew were “shitty peasants,” that a producer was “the devil,” the film’s director “weak and stupid,” and the entire project was a “Bull shit movie” and a “fucking nightmare” but she denies the rumor that she wanted the “chaotic” film to collapse so she would have a chance to seize control of it.

My Thought: Would she really trash every single aspect of the movie and then try to get it made herself? I mean, come on, think how badly the shitty peasants would treat her!

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It seems like Jolly Old London just became less jolly for everyone’s least favorite royal—which is saying something—Prince Andrew. A “royal insider”—and I think it’s Kate—says King Charles III has kicked his younger brother out of Buckingham Palace.

My Thought: Meh. Rumor has it that Randy Andy wasn’t even living or working at the Palace but was living at the Royal Lodge at Windsor with his ex-wife Sarah Ferguson.

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As we know, 64-year-old Thirst Queen Madonna is going on tour to celebrate her 40-year music career, but odd that it happens just as the Madonna-written, Madonna-directed, Madonna biopic, MADONNA! Was shelved by Universal Pictures. And all this after universal had spent more than $10 million on the film … most going to find a Thai Ladyboy to play Madge in her 60s.

My Thought: I wouldn’t hold my breath waiting for another film studio to pick up the option, because they’d have to cough up millions to Universal to take this vanity thirst project off their hands.

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In case you’ve forgotten at one time Taylor Lautner was one of Taylor Swift‘s lengthy list of ex-lovers. And Taylor was with Taylor during that night back in 2009 at the MTV VMAs when Kanye West jumped onstage and basically told Swifty she’d never be Bey-Bey which leads us to Taylor, Lautner that is, saying he wishes he would have jumped onstage and … said something … to Kanye about being mean to poor Swifty.

My Thought: Taylor Lautner wants to revive his “career” after those vampire movies and what better way to do that than to rehash a fourteen-year-old story that very few people really cared about when it was current?

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Bobservations

Last week our espresso machine frothed its last milk, and while we await the arrival of her replacement, we have been using a French Press for morning caffeine.

Carlos makes the coffee, which requires him to, and this might be difficult, put water in a pan, put said pan on stove, cover said pan, turn on burner, wait for water to boil, pour water into French Press, let coffee steep.

Well, one morning there was half a French Press of coffee because Carlos hadn’t filled it up, and this morning it happened again. I suggested that, with his eyesight, he put the water in the French Press first and then pour that into the pan and boil it. That way the right amount of water is boiled, and this is what he said:

“I thought I filled it up all the way. I boiled the water and when I was pouring it, I heard it go ‘glub glub glub’ and so I stopped because I thought it was full.”

Glub … Glub … Glub. That could have been Consuelo hair balling in the next room.

Once again, I shamefully admit that I was born in Mississippi, but also offer up the fact that I left when I was six-months-old before the state had a chance to ‘groom’ me into racism and ignorance.

Wisconsin Representative Tom Tiffany just Tweeted out that Joe Biden came after your guns, and then came after your Free Speech, and now he’s coming for your gas stoves.

I wish Joe had actually come for this asshat’s ability to run for Congress since he’s an ignorant lying POS.

To paraphrase on of my favorite Seinfeld episodes, “These cakes are real, and they're spectacular.”

Most Arizona voters disapprove of Senator-For-Now Kyrsten Sinema for leaving the Democratic party so much so that no party, Democrat, Republican, or Independent, have a favorable opinion of her.

Some 50% of Arizonan Republicans disapprove of Sinema, and 59% of Democrats don't like her and 48% are Team Anyone Else.

,Good luck on the reelection bid, wingnut.

I was at the grocery store the other day, and as I grabbed a few potatoes, standing at the back of my cart, this elderly woman reached in front of me, took my cart by the handle, and shoved it out of her way. I said:

“You could have said ‘Excuse me,’ and I would have made room for you to pass.”

“I didn’t see you so I took care of it myself.”

I wanted to tell her to get her eyes checked, but I also wanted to shove her raggedy ass into one of beer coolers, but instead I said no more and walked away. But then, as luck would have it, when we were checking out, she showed up in the same line behind me, with her basket, and said, oh so sweetly:

“Would you mind if I went ahead? I’ve just got a few things.”

I smiled and said:

“Why ask? Why not just shove my cart out of the way.”

I didn’t let her ahead of me.

Those of you who think Prince Harry speaking out about press abuse & family gaslighting by telling his own story while senior royals removed his and Meghan’s security detail, and yet have no issue whatsoever with those same royals allowing Prince Andrew to not only keep his security, but to pay £12 million to a sex trafficking victim 'he never met' is the REAL outrage. 

Last week in my Fashion Roundup for the Golden Globes I trashed Heidi Klum for her, ahem, lack of fashion choices, but one woman, artist Angelica Hicks, did me one better by recreating Heidi’s sequined and feathered dress using nothing but aluminum foil and a sanitary pad painted with purple eyeshadow.

Nailed it. Heidi should have worn Tin Foil and Tampons.

I don’t know much about David Boas, other than he’s a model and has some pretty fabulous hair and likes wearing as little clothing as possible. But the real question is, Would You Hit It?

I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

Jen Shah of The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City—and, yes, it’s a show—was arrested during a taping of the show this season and accused of swindling hundreds of elderly people in a telemarketing scam. She was charged with conspiracy to commit wire fraud and conspiracy to commit money laundering. She has pleaded not guilty.

But she wants to make sure that no one sees any episodes of RHoSLC in court because they might just paint her as the grifter and con artist she is accused of being. In fact, her lawyers say clips from the show “do not have any of the indicia of reliability” and are “highly edited and crafted through post-production.” You see, in the clips they want excluded, Shah flaunts her lavish lifestyle, and even brags that she spends $50,000 on herself each month … at least the months prior to her arrest. Her lawyers suggest Shah is, ahem, “playing that character on a show that has been highly curated and edited to satisfy its dramatic requirements.”

But Jen Shah isn’t that good an actress, but a woman who brags about her glam squad and her couture wardrobe and her expensive cars all the while living in a rental home.

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Sure, Prince Andrew agreeing to a settlement with his accuser Virginia Giuffre was the best outcome for both parties, but isn’t it funny that now we learn the Queen , Andy’s Mum, will reach into that purse she always carried and ALLEGEDLY part with $12 million for Giuffre? And the part Liz pays will only be a portion of the settlement.

Right as England begins to celebrate Liz’s Platinum Jubilee, she has to bail her perverted son out of trouble.

Not a good look.

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We all know that Bennifer 2.0 rebooted last spring after a seventeen-year hiatus, and the engagement rumors started immediately. And right on cue—the cue being her new movie Marry Me, Jennifer Lopez hit the airwaves to talk marriage proposals. It’s good, right, because if anyone can talk marriage proposals it’s the Five Time Fiancée™.

In the interview with Heart FM, JLO says she loves “public displays of romance,” but doesn’t know if she would love a public proposal:

“I think that that’s a more intimate thing between two people.”

This was said the week after she attended a movie premiere in a wedding gown, with Ben wearing a nice dark blue tuxedo.

This was said by the women who lives her entire life and every single relationship in the press but now suddenly she’s shy and wants an intimate proposal.

Bitch please. I’ve had cold sores last longer than a JLo relationship or marriage.

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What do you get your ex-wife who already has a new boyfriend for Valentine’s Day? If you’re Kanye Ye, you load up a truck with thousands of roses and have them delivered to Kim Kardastrophe West’s house along with a giant sign declaring yourself to be her “number one fan.”

Has anyone seen Misery? Then you know how this ends.

Oh, and you promised to stop stalking Kimmy’s new beau, Pete Davidson, on Instagram, because nothing says love like a mound of flowers dying in the driveway and a promise from your ex not to threaten you new boyfriend anymore.

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Since we started with ALLEGED criminal Housewives, let’s end there, too.

A week or so ago, it was announced that Erika Jayne of the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills was cut loose from the case of her soon-to-be ex-husband, Tom Girardi’s, scamming of settlement monies from airplane crash survivors, burn victims and orphans. Erika stepped cheering,:

“Told you so. Told you so. Told you. Told you. Told you so.”

Cut to this week and Erika Jayne is being sued once more in relation to her estranged husband legal issues. This time she’s been named in a $2.1 million complaint for ALLEGEDLY “aiding and abetting” Tom’s schemes.

Erika and her company EJ Global—which sounds like a soap opera corporation—were named in a $2.1 million complaint filed on behalf of Manuel Miller and Kathleen Bajgrowicz. Manuel and Tom represented Kathleen when she sued the NFL for the death of her son, Chuck Osborne, who died after repeated head trauma in 2012. The suit ALLEGES that after settling with the NFL, Tom made excuses as to why the settlement money wasn’t available while pocketing the money. The suit accuses Erika of knowing that the stolen money was “funding her notoriously lavish lifestyle.”

Whoops. Again with a housewife and her lavish lifestyle.

But Erika’s lawyer is scoffing at this newest lawsuit saying she “has no law degree and never worked at or managed her former husband’s law firm.” Funny that., because no one is saying she worked for Tom, and no one is saying she’s a lawyer, they are simply saying she lived off the scams of her husband and knew about it.

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