Snarky Thoughts

Two weeks ago, Beyoncé announced that Renaissance, her seventh studio album, will be released on July 29, and then last week she released the first single, Break My Soul, and this week she released the cover art ... with a semi-nude Beyoncé on a giant plastic horse.

My thought: she’s a stripper now?

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Well, it looks like Poor Little Bitch Girl—not a typo—Erika Jayne won’t be able to pawn off a pair of diamond earrings that cost $750,000 to pay her rent next month. She has been ordered by a judge to hand them over because her husband Tom  Girardi bought them with stolen money that was supposed to go to victims of the Lion Air Flight 610 crash.

My thought: couldn’t happen to a nicer grifter.

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When the Friends reunion aired on HBO Max last year, we were reminded again that the show was the whitest thing seen on TV even though it was set in the most diverse city in the world. And we learned that two of the Friends‘ creators, Kevin Bright and Marta Kauffman, stand by their all-white casting choices though Marta wants y’all to know she’ll be funding future students at Brandeis University with a $4 million pledge for the African American studies department.

My thought: you’re about twenty-plus years late.

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There has been gossip that Taylor Swift and Joe Alwyn are  engaged and a source—you know it’s Taylor—says that when they do get hitched, it will be a very simple, elegant affair, and no pictures will be sold to Vogue or Hello! Magazine or :::gag::: People.

My thought: Taylor will release an album with a slew of sappy off-key tunes and pictures of the wedding so she can make some coins.

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Well, Miles Teller’s granny Leona “Mup” Flowers thinks there’s nothing Miles can’t do, and went on Twitter this week to ay that Miles should be the next James Bond.

My thought: Mup is due for a nap.

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I Ain't One To Gossip But ....

Joe Alwyn does not want to be a “celebrity.”

Joe Alwyn is an actor, having appeared in Mary Queen of Scots, Boy Erased and The Favourite, but again, Joe Alwyn does not want to be famous.

Joe Alwyn is dating Taylor Swift.

Huh; he’s an actor dating a pop star and he doesn’t want to be famous?

Go away, then, Joe Alwyn.

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I kind of enjoy when a celebrity puts their foot in their mouth, and when it’s someone like Barbra Streisand, it’s even better.

Last week, Streisand said that while she absolutely believes Michael Jackson’s Leaving Neverland accusers, James Safechuck and Wade Robson, she also wonders what’s the big deal:

“[Jackson’s] sexual needs were his sexual needs, coming from whatever childhood he has or whatever DNA he has. You can say ‘molested’, but those children, as you heard say (the grown-up Robson and Safechuck), they were thrilled to be there. They both married and they both have children, so it didn’t kill them.”

Being raped didn’t kill them so let’s just move on? Is that it, Babs? But then she dug in deeper, blaming the parents of the boys:

“It’s a combination of feelings. I feel bad for the children. I feel bad for him. I blame, I guess, the parents, who would allow their children to sleep with him. Why would Michael need these little children dressed like him and in the shoes and the dancing and the hats?”

Barbra doesn’t get it because there are people dressed like her, in her shoes, dancing in her hats, and they are all grownup people, not young boys being groomed for a pedophile’s bed chambers. And so, as happens when celebrities flap their lips without so much as a thought—though OI expect more from Streisand—she issued a “clarification”:

“To be crystal clear, there is no situation or circumstance where it is OK for the innocence of children to be taken advantage of by anyone. The stories these two young men shared were painful to hear, and I feel nothing but sympathy for them. The single most important role of being a parent is to protect their children. It’s clear that the parents of the two young men were also victimized and seduced by fame and fantasy.”

Nice, but really, she should have said:

“I uttered some stupid shiz because I forgot that these were children being raped by a grown man and you NEVER blame the victim, or anyone other than the perpetrators.”

Then she should just shut up and sing.

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Dr. Dre posted an Instagram—since deleted, go figure—over the weekend, of him and his 18-year-old daughter Truly holding her college admissions sheet for USC, with this message:

“My daughter got accepted into USC all on her own. No jail time!!!” 

A funny joke when you consider the scandal of well-to-do-parents paying thousands, and hundreds of thousands, of dollars to get their kids into college.

Now, to be fair, Dre didn’t bribe anyone or commit fraud or anything like that, but he did, along with his long-time business partner, Jimmy Iovine, donate $70 million to … you guessed it … USC.

That donation was made in 2013, so it was not a direct and obvious quid pro quo to get his daughter into college, but still …

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Remember Mel B went to rehab for sex addiction, having had a very intense and open and populated sexual relationship, er, relationships, during her recently ended marriage. And so, you’d think the last thing she’d want to yap about is her sexual proclivities, but, well, you want that press and so you take your business into the street.

Mel B was doing an interview with Piers Morgan, about that upcoming Spice Girls Minus Posh reunion tour, and spilled a sexual secret; a secret she, oddly enough because you know she needed the coins, never told in her memoir, Brutally Honest. She and Geri Halliwell went there:

“She’s going to hate me for this because she’s all posh in her country house and her husband. But it’s a fact. It just happened and we just giggled at it and that was it … We were best friends. It just happened. Have you ever done that? … Yeah and I’ve said it now. All done. She’s going to kill me and so’s her husband. She’s not that posh now, is she?”

And perhaps Geri might actually kill her because sources—and you know its Mel B because she never met a rumor she didn’t want to ride—are saying that after the show, Mel started calling Geri to explain what she’d done.

Oh Mel, you literally need to keep your mouth closed.

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After successfully ignoring the mad ramblings of Jose Canseco, who accused Alex Rodriguez of having an affair with his ex-wife, A-Rod and his fiancé-for-now JLo are facing new accusations of infidelity on his part.

Former Playboy bunny and current fitness coach/model Zoe Gregory claims that A-Rod was soliciting her for weeks and sent a dick pic as recently as 6 weeks prior to his engagement. Zoe provided a detailed account of A-Rod’s solicitations which she claimed occurred between December 26, 2018 and January 22, 2019 where he “was being like a dirty dog” and that “he seemed like a needy, horny bloke”. Zoe also claims A-Rod sent her a selfie “showing just his penis and his muscly thigh”.

Zo, who is British, may not realize that what he sent her wasn’t a selfie, but a dick pic. But he also showered her with compliments on her curvy figure and 36DD boobs; a WhatsApp message ALLEGEDLY sent from A-Rod says:

“Are you still thinking of your three names of fun girls for us?”

In another, he asks Zoe if her pal is “down” for a rendezvous, adding:

“She hot? Fun? How many times have you been with her?”

And, in addition to dragging A-Rod—and, to be fair, if this is true, he deserves to be dragged—Zoe has only love for JLo:

“J-Lo is amazing and she doesn’t deserve this. While getting ready to marry her, he was asking me for sex videos, demanding we hook up and asking me to make arrangements with other girls. If he is doing this right up until the point he is proposing to her it is just not fair.”

I can think of other ways to describe other than “not fair”.

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Earlier this week Elisabeth Hasselbeck returned to The View to hawk a book she’d ‘written’ and to spill the tea about the crush Rosie O’Donnell had on her when they worked together.

And it was a story about The View, for a book by Ramin Setoodeh that had Rosie being quoted as saying she had a “little bit of a crush on Elisabeth” and that were “underlying lesbian undertones” to their feud.

Um, okay, but then you just know religious wingnut Hasselbeck went nuts over that story and said:

“Rosie, I think it was disturbing to read those things and it was offensive to me, but … I totally forgive you, Rosie. … I really hope that we can be at peace and that we can both hold our beliefs in one hand and hold each other’s hand in the other and still have a relationship that’s at peace. … Even more than I want to be at peace with her, I hope she finds that peace because God wants that for her too.”

End sermon. I am annoyed that Hasselbeck is so offended by the idea that someone might have thought she was a lesbian, or that a lesbian might have had a crush on her.

Grow the eff up. But I’ll save some wrath for Rosie and her blustering ways because she said, of the ALLEGED CRUSH:

“I think there were underlying lesbian undertones on both parts. I think this is something that will hurt her if you write it. She was the MVP of a Division 1 softball team for two years that won the finals. There are not many, in my life, girls with such athletic talent on sports teams that are traditionally male that aren’t at least a little bit gay.”

Way to lump every single female athlete into the Lesbian Boat, Ro. As if we don’t get enough stereotyping from others, you’re gonna add to it?

Grow the eff up. But Rosie saw Hasselbeck’s interview, and she raised her a Tweet storm:

“hey eh - my crush on u was not sexual - sorry u got scared - surely u recall b4 it all went wrong - i never objectified u - i did find u fantastic - broadway shows - my pool -we were friends once god love ya kid - i always did.”

Still, Rosie, you tried to link a rabid religious wingnut with being a lesbian and we all know those things don’t go together because God Hates Fags.

And Hasselbeck hates being thought of as one, if even for a moment.

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