The Funny Papers

Michael de Adder, Marc Murphy, Pedro X Molina, Jack Ohman, Nick Anderson, Rick McKee, Jeff Stahler, Randy Bish, Marshall Ramsey, Chris Britt, 

Meme Dump

Meme Dump

Oh Alabama

A bill making its way through the GQP-controlled Alabama Legislature would lift the state’s nearly thirty-year ban on teaching yoga in public schools.

Stop there. Alabama has had a ban on teaching yoga is public schools for thirty years? Yes, because in 1993 the state’s Board of Education bent to the will of conservative asshats over yoga’s Hindu roots. But now they have a new bill, though, because it’s still Alabama, the bill will allow the teaching of yoga to schoolchildren if, and only if:

“All poses, exercises, and stretching techniques shall have exclusively English descriptive names.”

“Chanting, mantras, mudras, use of mandalas, and namaste greetings shall be expressly prohibited.”

So Alabama, the only state in the union to ban yoga—because it has roots in Hinduism—is now thinking of allowing it, as long as you don’t say “Namaste.”

For the unenlightened—see what I did there—means “the light in me bows to the light in you.”

Seriously.

ISBL Asshat of the Week: Don Boys, and His Obsession with Homosex

Don Boys, a former member of the Indiana House and an ALLEGED evangelist who wrote a book entitled Muslim Invasion: The Fuse is Burning! and so is clearly a bigoted tool, is now going after Pete Buttigieg because, well, ignorance, hate and asshattery.

Boys  doesn’t believe Buttigieg would make a good president because, he says, gay men die young and so Pete Buttigieg will die while in office. Well, as an older gay man—I have a few years on Pete—I can say this is, um, bull shit?

Boys wrote a blog post—seriously, using blogging for hate—and spouted the usual homophobic crap about Buttigieg not really being married because :::gasp::: Chasten is a man …about the way the “leftist media” of promoting Buttigieg’s campaign because it’s “anti-biblical, anti-common sense, and anti-decency”; and adding—and this is rich—that he doesn’t “hate Pete or his lover or any other homosexual, but….”

Ah, and Don Boys has a very large ‘but’ …

“Since studies show that about half of homosexuals were seduced into perversion by age 14, I wonder if Pete would totally renounce and repudiate such a revolting practice. Just a simple disavowal with appropriate disgust thrown in will suffice.”

Of course, Don Boys, a perfect surname for a man seemingly all a’twitter at the idea of man sex, offers no proof of his statements, but, well, bigots are idiots who don’t understand facts, such as, if elected, Pete will die in office:

“All homosexuals are aware that their lifespan is about 20 years less than for normal people, so voters should know that a homosexual president may not live to finish his term.”

Again, Boys doesn’t cite a study that actually proves this shiz because, again, bigots and facts are like _____ and the truth, they do not coexist, but let’s say it is true. Gay men die twenty years earlier than straight men. If the male life expectancy in this country is 79, and Buttigieg is 37, he should die, according to Boys, at 59, well after serving his eight years in office.

But, as men like Boys who are obsessed with The Gays, and especially the gay sex, Boys goes in for the final dig, about gay men being infected with all sorts of heinous sexually transmitted diseases:

“70% of homosexuals admit to having at least one STD, plus they are infected with other contagious diseases such as tuberculosis, pneumonia, etc. About 20% of homosexual men are infected with HIV and about half of them do not know it.”

The American Sexual Health Association—whom I will believe over asshat Don Boys—says that one in two sexually active adults, gay and straight, will have an STI by the time they are 25 years old, and presumably that number gets higher as people get older and have more experiences.

But Boys was just getting started on the idea of a homosexual president …

“Studies show that almost all homosexuals practice oral sex and about half ingest semen which is as dangerous as ingesting raw blood exposing them to hepatitis A and B, gonorrhea, and HIV. Moreover, about 90% of homosexuals practice rectal sex and two-thirds do so on a regular basis. Furthermore, 17% of homosexuals admit to rubbing or ingesting the feces of homosexual partners. Will Pete admit that too is too ‘gay’?

About 23% of ‘gays’ (according to the largest study ever conducted) participate in golden showers where they urinate on each other, splash each other with urine or drink urine. Now, it is a person’s own business if he has a taste for urine, but we have a right to know what Pete thinks about that. Is he ‘that gay’?

Will Pete repudiate the 41% of ‘gays’” who practice fisting where one rams his fist into the rectum of his partner? Or, at times, they use carrots, bottles, flashlights, (even gerbils!) or other objects often requiring a trip to the hospital for removal. Surely, Pete will repudiate that.

Will Pete repudiate the 90% of ‘gays’ who practice rimming which is so disgusting that I won’t continue to explain it? In doing research for my book, AIDS: Silent Killer!, the owner of a chain of homosexual bathhouses told me that often the same man is ‘rimmed’ 20 times in a single night. Will Pete repudiate such a disgusting practice?”

For a conservative, ALLEGEDLY Bible loving Christian, Boys seems to be all up in the gay sex and who does what, and how many times a night they do it. But, you know, he’s only doing this to save America from a gay President …

“Don’t voters have a right, even an obligation, to know a candidate’s health status since the candidate’s health is always an issue? Is a homosexual candidate an exception? If so, why?”

Um, what about _____’s health, Don? You don’t seem worried about an ALLEGEDLY Adderall-addicted, fast-food-gorging, adulterous,pussy grabbing, bloated gasbag’s health. And Boys doesn’t seem to have an issue with _____ and his own ALLEGED Golden Shower experience.

But this, though, is what kills me, it’s 20-fucking-19 and we are still hearing this bull about The Gays and AIDS and The Gays and perversions, from these so-called men of God who speak from their asses without the need for facts. Men like Boys who seem to think that tossing out a number and calling it a statistic makes it so.

Well, here’s a statistic for you, Don Boys, nearly 100% of all so-called Christian men, evangelicals, conservatives and rightwingnuts who spend so much of their time consumed with what gay men are, or are not, doing, and the describing it gleefully in graphic detail, are also probably spending their off-hours in airport men’s rooms toe-tapping their way to their next trick.

Fuck off, asshat.

Christian School Tells Boy To "Get Over" Being Raped

The Brentwood Academy, a prestigious private "Christian" school in Williamson County, Tennessee, is feeling a little tarnish on their reputation this week after being accused of allowing teenage boys to repeatedly rape a 12-year-old boy, downplaying the assaults, and refusing to report them to authorities.

And now they’re set to face a 30 million lawsuit, filed by the parent of that boy; the suit says four eighth-grade boys repeatedly raped and sexually assaulting her son during the 2014-15 school year and that Brentwood Academy Headmaster Curtis Masters told the rape victim to "turn the other cheek" and that "everything in God's kingdom happens for a reason."  

Like a $30 million lawsuit, eh? It happened like this ...

On five separate dates during the 2014-15 school year, four eighth-grade boys at Brentwood Academy sexually assaulted “John Doe”.

The first incident occurred at an after-school football game party, where several students restrained John Doe, placing their buttocks on his face and their scrotums , or into, his mouth.

On four other dates, four male students and others “conspired to engage in male on male sexual harassment, sexual assault and/or rape upon John Doe in the locker room not supervised by an adult."

In January and February of 2015, one boy would call John Doe’s name in the locker room and then two boys held the doors to the locker room closed while a fourth boy raped John Doe. The rapist forced his penis into John Doe’s mouth while those around him 'eat it, eat it;’ that same boy would then anally rape John Doe.

The boy later bragged that he "f---ed that boy up the ass and stuck a Gatorade bottle in him."

And it appears there were other boys in the locker room who took part in the rape by watching and doing nothing to stop it; there is some evidence, however, that at least some of those onlookers, told their parents of the assaults because, in April 2015, the mother of a sixth-grade student told John Doe's mother about the assaults.

John Doe's mother immediately went to the school and spoke with counselor Chris Roberts, an employee of Christian counseling ministry Daystar Counseling; in the lawsuit, is accused of not reporting the rape allegations to authorities, and instead telling Jane Doe that this is not how "Christian institutions handle these things."

Oddly enough, though, Tennessee law requires counselors and school officials to report suspected child abuse or neglect. 

When Jane Doe took her son to a pediatrician who instantly contacted the  Department of Children Services. That must have worked, because a few days later, middle school director Nancy Brasher, right, called Jane Doe after discussing the allegations with Headmaster Curtis Masters, right, and middle school athletic director Buddy Alexander.

The lawsuit claims that Nancy Brasher initially accused John Doe of being at fault for not reporting the attacks, and that it could not be true “because the four students had been removed from the locker room in January 2015.”

Well, first blame the victim, and then provide an alibi for the rapists, eh, Nancy?

During an April 20 meeting with John Doe’s mother and father, Headmaster Masters said he considered the allegations to be “boys being boys and he could not investigate each of those and run a school.”

You know, it’s just rape, and he has better things to do.

But then, at some point after that meeting, Masters said the boy who raped John Doe admitted to him that some of the allegations were true. And yet nothing was done; well, except that the Headmaster told John Doe to “turn the other cheek” and that one of the students would receive an in-school suspension. He also offered John Doe the option of changing in and out of his gym clothes in Masters’ office until cameras were placed in the locker room.

Just so, you know, maybe he wouldn’t be raped again ... and again.

In addition to the Headmaster Curtis, Nancy Brasher, and Buddy Alexander, the suit also accuses assistant basketball coach Lyle Husband and sixth-grade basketball coach Mike Vazquez of negligence leading to the continued attacks on John Doe.

In response to the lawsuit, Masters emailed this statement to the media:

"Our highest priority is the safety and protection of our students. We take any allegation involving our students very seriously. We responded immediately and fully cooperated with authorities when we became aware of concerns in 2015. We are obligated to maintain confidentiality in any legal matter. Out of respect for all parties involved, and based on the advice of our legal counsel, we are unable to discuss details at this time."

Jane Doe and her son are seeking $30 million in total damages and demanding a jury trial. I hope they get every penny, and I hope they get a jury trial; I hope the media follows this lawsuit carefully and that the oh-so-tony Brentwood Academy gets shut down for good.

The Tennessean

As Judge Judy Says: “Beauty Fades, Dumb Is Forever” … The Antonio Sabato Jr. Edition

So, “actor” and stripper, Antonio Sabàto Jr. “absolutely” believes President Barack Obama is a Muslim and even accused him of being “on the other side.”

Um, okay, well, then it’s a free country so let’s hear why you say those things Antonio:

“First of all, I don’t believe that the guy is a Christian. I don’t believe he follows the God that I love and the Jesus that I love.”

Oops, but then that means I probably don’t follow the same God you do, or love the Jesus you love; and a lot of people don’t either but we’re still American because, um, yeah, open a History book, dumbass, and see that we are a nation of many faiths and many colors and many people who don’t have fully functioning brains.

“If you follow his story, if you read his book, if you understand about Obama — I mean, that’s not a Christian name, is it?”

Not.A.Christian.Name. Seriously, how stupid is this tool? Well, stupid enough to assert that he knows Obama doesn’t go to church and has never talked about Jesus Christ:

“I’ve met a lot of Christians. I know Christians. I am one, and I don’t believe he is. I believe that he’s on the other side — the Middle East. He’s with the bad guys. He’s with them. He’s not with us. He’s not with this country.”

Oh Antonio, if you’re what passes for a Christian these days, no wonder your numbers are dwindling; and no wonder your “career” has been reduced to being part of a strip show.

You need to sit down while the grown-ups discuss politics.

Joe My God

Guns Nuts, Christians and GOP Politicians Love A Good Mass Murder

I promise to get back to regularly scheduled blogging soon, but my heart still aches and my stomach still hurts and my eyes water every time I think of Orlando.

And then I read things and I get angry, and maybe angry is better; because, with anger sometimes comes action, and with action maybe we can stop this NRA goose-stepping being done by politicians and conservatives and gun nuts — and I separate gun nuts from responsible gun owners because I know some responsible gun owners.

But this is about the Christians and the Republicans and the NRA and the vile things they have said and done after the mass murder at Pulse nightclub early Sunday morning …

After two days of saying nothing the NRA broke their silence on the Orlando attack with this:

“The terrorist in Orlando had been investigated multiple times by the FBI. He had a government-approved security guard license with a contractor for the Department of Homeland Security. Yet his former co-workers reported violent and racist comments. Unfortunately, the Obama administration’s political correctness prevented anything from being done about it.”

And had checks and balances been put in place maybe he wouldn’t have been able to buy an assault weapon.

“Repeating the same thing but expecting a different result is the definition of insanity. "

Like when the NRA repeats the same filth while dead bodies are being removed from churches and schools and movie theaters and nightclubs.

“Law-abiding gun owners are tired of being blamed for the acts of madmen and terrorists. Semi-automatics are the most popular firearms sold in America for sport-shooting, hunting and self-defense.”

An automatic weapon isn’t used for hunting, unless you want to mutilate your prey … which is the purpose of those guns.

The NRA will do whatever, and pay whomever, to keep their agenda of more guns, more guns, better guns, more ammo until we do something.

Do.Something.

“Pastor” Roger Jimenez, a Baptist preacher in my hometown of Sacramento, is actually praising the attack on Pulse nightclub because gay men and women were killed:

“Are you sad that 50 pedophiles were killed today? Um no, I think that’s great! I think that helps society. I think Orlando, Florida is a little safer tonight.”

Jimenez then went on to call for even more death at the hands of the government:

“If we lived in a righteous government, they should round them all up and put them up against a firing wall, and blow their brains out.”

Yes, this man is a Christian.

Remember when Ted Cruz, Lying, hypocritical, gay-hating, NRA cocksucker Ted Cruz stood alongside Kevin Swanson, another Christian “pastor”, who called for killing The Gays?

Now, he’s using The Gays as a weapon in his war on Muslims by posting this to his Facebook page:

“For all the Democrats who are loud champions of the gay and lesbian community whenever there is a culture battle waging, now is the opportunity to speak out against an ideology that calls for the murder of gays and lesbians. ISIS and the theocracy in Iran … regularly murder homosexuals, throwing them from buildings and burying them under rocks. This is wrong, it is evil, and we must all stand against it. Every human being has a right to live according to his or her faith and conscience, and nobody has a right to murder someone who doesn’t share their faith or sexual orientation. If you’re a Democratic politician and you really want to stand for LGBT, show real courage and stand up against the vicious ideology that has targeted our fellow Americans for murder.”

Yes, Ted Cruz is now painting himself as an ally to the LGBT community because it means he can continue his Hate Speech against all Muslim people.

Tony Perkins, of the Hate Group Family Research Council, and another Christian Republican, took to the airwaves to politicize murder by blaming President Obama has said this:

“Unfortunately, the attacks on U.S. soil have only grown in this administration’s refusal to call them what they are — Islamic terrorism. The gunman, a homegrown extremist who reportedly pledged his allegiance to ISIS before his bloody rampage, left little doubt about his motivation — a motivation the president still refuses to confront.”

Not guns, not religion, not homophobia, but Obama.

And let’s talk Tennessee Republican Congressman Andy Holt, who, in light of the use of an assault weapon to slaughter 49 Americans over the weekend, will continue with his plan to give away AR-15 rifles, the same firearm used in Sunday’s deadly attack in Orlando, as prizes at a fundraiser later this month.

Yes, he wants to give guns away as a prize.

But let’s end with the worst of all, Donald J [t]Rump, who spoke yesterday about the massacre, and smiles every time he got a round of applause when he denigrated Muslims.

Think on that: talking about 49 people being murdered and a presidential candidate smiled.

And then he used the massacre to promote his bigoted immigration policies and attack Hillary Clinton, claiming he is a better friend to women and the LGBT community:

“This shooter, and amazingly, in Orlando was the child of an immigrant father who supported one of the most repressive regimes on earth. Why would we admit people who support violent hatred? Hillary Clinton can never claim to be a friend of the gay community as long as she supports immigration policies that bring Islamic extremists to our country and who suppress women, gays, and anyone else who doesn’t share their views or values. Ask yourself who is really the friend of women and the LGBT community. Donald Trump with actions, or Hillary Clinton with her words? I will tell you who the better friend is and someday I believe that will be proven.”

Two things:

1] Upon hearing him say this, I Tweeted this to [t]Rump”

As a lifelong member of the LGBT community I can safely say we don’t need friends like you. Kindly fuck off.

2] Donald j. [t]Rump blatantly lied when he said the shooter was “born in Afghan to Afghan parents who immigrated here.” The shooter was born in New York, where  [t]Rump was born. Should we be looking at all New Yorkers as terrorists, because I can think of one, one who looks like a wet bag of Cheetos dust, who comes to mind.

And so therein lies my rage: Christians, conservatives and powerful gun groups, standing on the bodies of dead Americans, not caring about dead Americans because they’re gay — you know, all the right people are dying … something religious people and conservatives said about the early victims of AIDS — and smiling and laughing and blaming and running for office.

I may need another day to get over this ….